Confession (Part Two)

What is envy, and what is jealousy? Is the answer to this question so complicated that Cen Zheng can hardly understand it? If it is simple, why has she been unable to figure it out for so many years? But if it is complicated, why is Zhou Zeyu able to distinguish between the two so easily?

Cen Zheng still remembers saying that when she first saw Zhou Zeyu on TV, she felt envious of her.

I envy her being protected thousands of miles away in the mountains, I envy her not yet understanding those struggles and conspiracies, I envy the pure love for table tennis that still seems to shine in her eyes, and I envy why her smile is so radiant.

Her brilliance almost made her appear base.

As for what happened afterward, that envy seemed to intensify. Cen Zheng finally brought you to her side, to the safest place under her wing. Looking at your bewildered appearance, she would think again about why she hadn't met someone as generous as her when she was confused back then, and why you were so lucky.

She's jealous of you, jealous of your naivety, jealous of your kindness, jealous of your silly, youthful loyalty.

For example, she remembers that when you first arrived in Beijing, you told her sadly that you didn't like the place at all. Cen Zheng has forgotten what she replied at the time, probably some heartfelt but flimsy words of comfort, but she was thinking a lot in her heart.

I think it's perfectly normal that you don't like this place, because you don't belong here. You and this place are two completely unrelated worlds.

You are kind, it is cruel; you are innocent, it is complex; you want to give your whole heart and soul, but it is eyeing your pure love covetously.

If it weren't for Cen Zheng, you might have been devoured by this place long ago, leaving not even bones behind, and you'd be sold out and still have to count the money for the seller.

It is undeniable that people need time and experience to grow. If you see little, hear little, and experience little, of course you won't understand anything. But she is different. She has been tormented by enough experience over the years and has long since distanced herself from you through trials and tribulations.

You probably will never be able to catch up to this distance.

Sometimes Cen Zheng would wonder if people's fates were really different. For example, she seemed to be marked by overthinking from the moment she was born. And the truth is, she did indeed scheme for many years in the whirlpool of the torrent, being cunning, selfish, and hypocritical.

And you, someone as wonderful as you, why did you have to walk up to her and smile at her so cruelly?

Do you really not know how despicable she is? Are you unaware of everything she has done? In your eyes, was she still that kind and gentle older sister until her death?

Zhou Zeyi, you are so stupid.

You don't know how complex her jealousy of you is, you don't know that even though she already has everything, she still greedily craves what she never had in you. You only know how to repay kindness, you only know how to look up at her and smile at her all the time. Do you know that this will only make her more miserable?

However, none of that matters anymore, Zhou Zeyu.

Whether it's envy, jealousy, sincerity, or pretense, none of it matters anymore.

Because she has never fully opened her heart to you, never completely trusted you, and never shown you 100% goodwill. From the first moment she saw you, all she thought about was how to use you and how to make you willingly be used by her.

When you first arrived in Beijing, you were suffering greatly because of the coach's suppression and neglect. But this was Coach Huang's intention. He wanted to destroy your spirit and confidence step by step, make you realize that you are struggling here, and make you forget your previous success and glory, and silently doubt yourself in a corner.

Breaking a teenager's spine is not easy, but it was successful. As a result, your personality changed drastically, becoming introverted and silent. At this time, you were so vulnerable that you were easily manipulated, but unfortunately, you were unaware of it.

Then Cen Zheng appears, unexpectedly entering your life during your darkest and most desperate days.

She kindly invited you to join the Beijing team, always for the team's benefit, because you were indeed the most outstanding among that group. However, you are weak-willed, easily swayed by others, and lack a firm will, making you easily tempted by short-term gains.

After that, everything fell into place so naturally. You and she were bound together, and everyone knew you were inseparable. What's wrong with that?

In that case, wouldn't you also rightfully take a share of her mistakes and sins?

Cen Zheng still remembers the year you won your first World Table Tennis Championships. You were full of vigor and high spirits. You truly achieved something remarkable. What a great and talented young girl. That was the year you were in your best competitive form.

If it weren't for the suspension that lasted for the next few months, you might have been able to retain your world number one ranking for a full twenty-four months. Unfortunately, the suspension caused you to miss many important matches, and your form declined for a long time afterward.

Zhou Zeyi, this is probably the first major setback in your career. Do you feel wronged, guilty, or regretful? But you don't need to feel that way at all, because you weren't the one who started this whole thing.

The leniency of the system varies from person to person, but what's bad is that Coach Huang has never liked you. It may be because Coach Xu and he don't get along, or it may simply be that he can't stand you because you're "not one of his own".

Do you still think that your suspension was because you violated the rules by accepting too many advertisements and endorsements? That's ridiculous. You were probably too busy with training to realize that those advertisements and endorsements were always approved by Coach Huang. He allowed you to do all of this, but then made a big fuss about it. Isn't that obvious?

He has too many people under his control, and you just happen to be disobedient, somewhat arrogant, and rebellious to a degree that is too blatant.

You probably had a vague feeling about it, but the most fatal thing was that you trusted her too much. You subconsciously felt that Coach Huang wouldn't be so despicable, and that Cen Zheng would always be there to help you in this situation. But you didn't know that her specialty was standing by and watching, or even adding fuel to the fire.

So this time was no different. Cen Zheng watched all of this happen, because you were just too dazzling.

Even the most splendid things seemed to pale in comparison.

How could you do that, Zhou Zeyu? You absolutely cannot do that, because your existence is meant to set off her brilliance by burning yourself out.

Then how can you be so dazzling as to overshadow her?

So you see, sooner or later you'll pay the price for your gullibility and recklessness.

After that, you became much more restrained because you finally realized that all your fates were in the hands of Coach Huang. He was despicable, so you couldn't be absolutely kind; he was unscrupulous, so you couldn't remain unscrupulous. That's the truth.

But is that enough? No, because the cruel reality is that your thoughts and actions don't really matter. He won't soften his heart just because you comply, nor will he make an exception for you just because you back down. Zhou Zeyu, you are just a pawn.

The hype and trending topics are endless, and various media outlets are vying to report on you. You can easily go from an unknown person to a celebrity. The huge popularity and fame make you feel almost terrified. But you don't know that all of this is just a well-prepared script.

Only in this way can your commercial value be developed to the maximum extent, or to put it more bluntly, exploited.

Do you also feel exhausted, participating in variety shows you don't like at all, forcing a smile in front of the camera for interviews, and watching your fake smile appear in every corner of the world, including on your favorite milk?

After struggling in the world of fame and fortune for so long, you have to keep going to participate in those one-on-one commercial competitions. The intensity is so great that even Cen Zheng feels sorry for you. You are recording a program in the morning and have to rush to the competition venue in the afternoon. When you are working non-stop, you even fainted at the training base due to exhaustion. But who will sympathize with you?

No one will put pressure on you; they will use those high-sounding lies and responsibilities to nail you to the center of the spinning top, forcing you to willingly expend your energy and spirit, wasting your talent in meaningless business competitions, and leaving countless blemishes on your body.

Besides that, what did you gain, besides a weary spirit and a body full of wounds?

Whose hands do the endless stream of money extracted from you ultimately end up in?

She doesn't believe you know nothing. Someone as perceptive as you must have realized this, realized that you were being treated like a puppet, forced to accept your fate. Someone as arrogant as you could never accept it so easily.

But your awakening is too slow, so slow that in her eyes it's as insignificant as children playing house. They have plenty of experience and, of course, plenty of ways to deal with your superficial protests.

You probably can't remember who first gave you the title of "genius girl." It might have been a casual remark from a marketing account, or it might have come from comments by some industry professionals, but most likely it originated from an unknown source and has been passed down through word of mouth to this day.

But what is certain is that if it weren't for the media's deliberate embellishment, pointed praise, and completely irrational dissemination, this title might have been forgotten. But now, no one will forget it. Everyone knows that these four words are inextricably linked to you, and that in the past decade, you are the only genius girl.

And Cen Zheng won't tell you that this was her doing.

She knows you too well, can easily see through your psychology, and also knows how important public opinion is to an athlete. She can turn you into an invincible superhero, but she can also drag you off a high platform.

So what do you care about most? Isn't it just those four words, just this ridiculous title?

It's not pleasant to be expected to be so high up, but you've truly endured it for many years, doing your best to win every game and diligently doing everything you can, even when you're exhausted.

Sometimes Cen Zheng would wonder what your physical and mental limits were, and how you could so stubbornly support your small body to walk so far. Perhaps you are indeed a very strong person, it's just a pity that you met her.

She's not as good as you, and the speed at which her performance has declined is astonishing. Over time, her status and ability have become disproportionate, which naturally leads to a lot of open and covert questioning and ridicule. Some people say she should have stepped down long ago so that someone more qualified could take her place.

This argument seems correct, but it doesn't work.

Cen Zheng will not give in, nor can he give in; this is the most obvious result under the combined effect of multiple factors.

Even your very existence was originally meant to conceal her decline. So, as her light gradually fades, you too must dim your own light to match her twilight, or even to reflect her through the light you refract. This is your very purpose.

Cen Zheng thought you would always be willing to complete this task, after all, you have always done a very good job, so good that it makes people feel a little guilty.

Fortunately, before her bizarre apology could take hold, you were already becoming less obedient.

After being suppressed for so long, you, who have always been without complaint or regret, seem to have started to have some hidden thoughts. This is not incomprehensible, after all, everyone has the opportunity to fight for their rights.

You tried to negotiate with Coach Huang, demanding your legitimate rights, fair treatment, and equal status; in short, you wanted to be in control of your own destiny.

But how could that be, Zhou Zeyu? You're still so naive. What need is there to proclaim so-called fairness and equality in a place like this? You don't even need to mention it, because it's definitely impossible. There's only one person in the entire team who can fully control their own destiny, and that person will never be you.

Coach Huang was surprised. He asked her, "Haven't you always been her obedient follower? Why would you suddenly bring up those things?"

The reason is simple.

Because Cen Zheng no longer sees you, she has decided to stay away from you.

Sometimes even Cen Zheng herself doesn't know if staying by your side is the right choice. It seems not, because your existence is always torment for her, like a thorn stuck deep in her throat. She can't force herself to ignore it, nor can she pretend to be stupid and live her whole life like this.

Every minute she spends with you, she can't bring herself to be completely ruthless.

This explanation may not satisfy your long-standing curiosity, your confusion about why your relationship disappeared so quietly, or your pain at why no matter how hard you try, you can't find a way out. Of course not, because the choice has always been in her hands.

After leaving your life and completely cutting ties with you, she can... force herself to be even worse.

Which bad person would admit to being bad? It seems like no one. That's the self-cultivation of a villain. But Cen Zheng doesn't think so. Of course, her actions can be called bad deeds, but she has done similar things too many times, so many that she even feels that they are commonplace little things.

What's wrong with being a little selfish? At least the benefits that end up in your own hands are real and clear, and no one can take them away from you. They belong to you for life.

Competition and scheming are never shameful things to talk about; in fact, they are permitted and encouraged here. Those who understand this will use it to their advantage, while those who don't will only end up being exploited by others.

Why don't you understand this principle?

Perhaps you will understand sooner or later. After some things happen, you, like everyone else here, will eventually realize it. But Cen Zheng certainly doesn't want to see that day come.

Therefore, Cen Zheng decided to use something other than emotions to control you before you completely lost control.

Feelings are not so reliable after all. For example, you might be telling jokes to her yesterday, and tomorrow you might be pouring your heart out to Fang Xiaocan. Cen Zheng never thought that feelings were a unique and pure substance; they change.

How can she be sure that your heart will never change?

After all, whether it's a shield or a sword, you're just her most convenient tool.

So it seems she had to do those things, not just to target you, but also for herself.

When Cen Zheng was being heavily criticized for her declining performance, her every word and action was deliberately magnified by those with ulterior motives. Whether it was an accidental mistake in the game, a slip of the tongue in an interview, or a controversial act, it was all good because that's the kind of athlete the media loves most.

When the media starts relentlessly pursuing you, she gets a rare moment of respite.

When you're exhausted and overwhelmed by online bullying, can't you let go of all the things you wanted to protest before? After all, the best way to solve a thorny problem is to raise an even bigger one.

Wouldn't this allow you to let go of those unrealistic fantasies, abandon those ridiculous notions of equality, and accept reality with your feet on the ground?

As it turns out, her choice back then was right. You were indeed easier to manipulate than she imagined. Even though your rationality had been subtly telling you that everything was abnormal, you still couldn't bring yourself to doubt her, could you? After all, you still cared about her.

Even if you may have already realized that behind every large-scale cyberbullying you do is her disappointment, and your changed tactics have never won against her, every time you look up, you always find that behind your setbacks, there seems to be a figure faintly emerging, but unfortunately, you dare not doubt that the figure is her.

Doesn't this explain why you initially tried so hard to salvage the relationship, but later gradually fell silent, your gaze towards her changed from fiery to silent, and you looked at her back with unspoken words, unable to utter a single one?

Zhou Zeyu, why have you ended up like this? Isn't it because you are too indecisive and too sentimental?

You always value her too much, feeling that she is the only person who can save you from your misery. She is good to you, smiles at you, shares everything with you, and cares for you. She presents you with seemingly sincere feelings without asking for anything in return. You are moved, but you don't know that the return she wants is your emotion and your feelings.

For a sensitive creature like you, an unforgettable feeling is more effective than any verbal threats or temptations of fame and fortune.

Cen Zheng sometimes wonders if your feelings for her are something like a chick fetish.

Because in the dark world rife with conspiracies and intrigues, she is the first person to pull you behind her back, and the one you finally open your heart to and trust without reservation after careful vigilance and caution.

It seems that everything in this world is most valuable when it's "first," because it's the beginning, and therefore deserves to be remembered with the purest feelings. After all, no one wants the story to start off wrong.

You seem unwilling to admit that on that afternoon filled with cheap sunlight, when she grabbed your hand and you turned around to meet her gaze, this grand tragedy had already begun.

And you, too, subconsciously romanticized everything, harboring that cautious suspicion, looking at the elusive truth, still firmly choosing to believe her.

It's just a pity that you trusted the wrong person.

And it's been wrong all along.

Cen Zheng couldn't understand it either. You clearly had deep doubts about her, so why did you still subconsciously want to trust her when you were hurt? Did you want to find the last piece of evidence that she cared about you in this relationship that shouldn't have existed in the first place? Was this the last chance you were giving her?

She still remembers that day when your right knee suddenly started to hurt without warning. The intense pain almost made you lose consciousness. Before you fainted, in the crowded venue, you still managed to walk up to her and tell her, "Captain, please save me, I really can't go on."

Help me, I really can't go on.

Cen Zheng didn't understand whether what you said was a sign of weakness or a gesture of goodwill, or perhaps it was actually a last-ditch plea for help when you had nowhere else to turn.

She caught your swaying body, calmly called for medical personnel, stood there, and watched you lie on the stretcher, your face pale, getting further and further away from her.

It's as if something else, along with your departure, completely disappeared from her life.

Regarding your knee, it wasn't an accidental injury; it was even predictable. After all, you were really overworked, to the point that you didn't even realize it yourself. You just wanted to stay at your peak forever, but who can do that? It's impossible. Yet you still stubbornly kept striving for it.

The consequences of being stubborn are obvious: your knees are damaged.

You didn't know about this and thought it was just a common injury, like all the other injuries and ailments on your body, which you thought would heal completely with a minor surgery and some time in the hospital. But you were wrong.

This is the most important injury of your career, so important that any small detail could determine your fate.

Only two people know the truth, and only these two people can decide your fate: Coach Huang and her.

You have no idea that Coach Huang initially planned to give up on you completely because the treatment cycle and effect were uncontrollable, and you might never be able to return to the field. As shrewd as he is, he was unwilling to pay your high bills for this slim chance, as it would be a losing proposition.

After all, things were different back then. Back then, you had so many promising talents behind you, whether it was Fang Xiaocan or others. Unlike what Coach Huang said to deceive you, he always had many different options. Even without you, there were other people left. He wouldn't be too stubborn in choosing you, and he has never done so before.

However, you are lucky. Your Coach Xu loves you very much. For your sake, he went to negotiate with Coach Huang and made amazing concessions. You know that their feud spans decades. Coach Huang will never let him go, especially when you become Coach Huang's hostage. The consequences are unimaginable.

Cen Zheng thought that, as far as she was concerned, she could never understand the deep feelings between you. Her coach would never do that because they both racked their brains to squeeze the benefits out of each other. That was the reality. But you and your Coach Xu were a rare fairy tale.

He was actually willing to give up so much, tolerate so much, and humble himself so much for you.

What happened next was that Coach Huang was finally willing to give you another chance, but as you know his personality, he wouldn't show much concern for your injury. To put it nicely, he would let you be free; to put it bluntly, he would leave your life to chance.

Even if she wasn't involved, she inevitably knew some of the inside story about Coach Huang. Someone of his high position and power had long since abandoned the most basic moral conscience. Although he verbally agreed to Coach Xu's request, he didn't actually do it.

He comes to comfort you, bringing flowers and fruit baskets. He smiles and tells you to focus on recovering and not worry about anything else. He will arrange for a top-notch medical team and the best rehabilitation plan. You don't need to worry about anything; just focus on recovering.

Cen Zheng doesn't know if you actually believed what he said. You'd better not, you probably didn't, because you went to her again afterward. It's funny, you still know she's the one you can ask for help, even though she actually won't help you.

Even if you still don't understand at the end, you should still hold onto that unwavering trust and hold her hand one last time, just as she held yours back then.