Chapter 122, Chapter Fifteen: Thoughts on the Cloud Tree

Sima Ye was taken aback, looked at his face very seriously, and said softly, "Lord Zhongmin is a pillar of the Great Jin Dynasty, of course I remember him."

“I am different,” Liu Jun said softly. “His literary and military talents and his loyalty are certainly admirable, but when I think back now, what I remember most clearly is the scene of him teaching me to read and write, and to ride and shoot. It was in Jinyang, at night, sitting on the dilapidated city wall, playing the huqin to repel the enemy.”

Sima Ye comforted him, saying, "You've been fighting on all fronts, which is different from what you've always done..."

“If I had cared for him even half as much, we wouldn’t be so estranged.” Liu Jun, feeling unsteady, slowly sat down, leaning on the armrest. “These past two days at the headquarters, I actually found the keepsake my grandparents left me – the bamboo horse I used to play with as a child. My grandparents died when Bingzhou fell, my mother passed away on her sickbed, my father and brother perished in Shi Le’s army, and I broke off relations with you in Luoyang. As for my son… Ah, before I only felt that my son was not like his father, but now it seems that we are truly estranged. And in the future, it’s still unknown whether I will die at the hands of either of them. Half a lifetime has passed, and my achievements are yet to be made. Looking back, I find no familiar faces.”

“But you chose this path yourself.” Sima Ye looked at him, his eyes filled with pity.

Liu Jun coughed a few times, then smiled and said, "I don't regret it."

Even if I were to live a solitary life, alone and isolated?

Liu Jun stroked the Flying Scenery Sword at his waist. "In such a chaotic world, to be mediocre and do nothing would be to fail Heaven. Forgive my bluntness, but of the Sima clan, apart from the early-deceased Sima Shao who had a three-tenths chance of restoring order to this chaotic world, do the rest of you have such talent?"

Sima Ye did not refute, but only nodded slightly.

"You spoke of my father's loyalty and compassion earlier," Liu Jun said wistfully, "In these chaotic times, while everyone else fled south, he alone went against the tide, determined to head north. Even if he failed and died, who can say he wasn't a hero? Yet, this very man was bribed heavily by the southern court to have Shi Le kill him. Do you think they were worthy of his loyalty and compassion? And this kind of court expects me to be loyal and resourceful? On what grounds?"

“This matter was done by Wang Dun and has nothing to do with the court,” Sima Ye said dryly.

Liu Jun smiled sarcastically, "You and I know what's going on. Just look at how many times Jiangdong sent troops when we were besieged in a besieged city and when the barbarians were rampaging in the Central Plains."

He looked into Sima Ye's misty eyes, "My father squandered his family fortune, recruited local militia, and defended the land. Dozens of members of the Liu clan of Zhongshan died for their country. And what about me? I saved you, protected you, and loved you. Even when you turned your blade against me, I never thought of harming you. On the other hand, Sima of Jiangdong, for more than ten years, wished you would die immediately. Even so, you still wanted to pass the throne to Sima Yan..."

“If this empire were truly mine, I would gladly relinquish it without hesitation. But this empire was left to me by our ancestors, and I am neither capable of protecting it nor can I hand it over to someone outside the family.” Sima Ye met his gaze without fear. “Take you, for example. Even if your three sons betray you, you will still pass the throne to them in the future, won’t you?”

"Who said that?" Liu Jun laughed freely. "To be honest, I'm no longer considering Liu Yong and Liu Liang. I'll have to wait and see about Liu Qin. Frankly, if Liu Qin proves to be a villain who is immoral, incompetent, unfilial, and disrespectful, I would rather pass the throne to Liu Yuan or the other members of the Liu family than to him."

Sima Ye looked at him in surprise, and Liu Jun raised an eyebrow. "You don't believe me? I want to be the emperor not to leave any legacy for my descendants, but to show the world that I can be a good emperor! Even if the throne is passed to someone surnamed Cao after my death, I can remain calm."

"You..." Sima Ye finally managed to say, "Ordinary people become emperors for the sake of their ancestors, but you seem to be holding a grudge."

Liu Jun smiled wistfully, “Perhaps so. However, seeing the barbarians running rampant and causing immense suffering over the years, I can’t help but think that no matter whether fate is on my side or not, as long as I can end all of this, even if I end up like my father, I will have no regrets.”

Sima Ye felt an indescribable bitterness in his heart. He walked over and pressed his shoulder, saying, "You already have most of the country in your hands. Although I am unwilling, I know in my heart that Sima Yan is no match for you. Why are you so disheartened? Even if the spirit of Duke Zhongmin were in heaven, he would not want to see you suffer like this. Since you have already come to terms with it, what does it matter if your son is not like his father? What does it matter if your brothers quarrel within the walls? In this world, you can choose your spouse and your friends, but you cannot choose your family and relatives. Since they have wronged you, you should consider it that the relationship is over and deal with it as it comes."

Liu Jun rested his head on his neck. "I'm usually busy with military affairs, and even when I have free time, I mostly discipline them and rarely show them any concern. Now that I think about it, I realize that I was too harsh on them, and it's understandable that they felt resentful. However, they shouldn't have laid a hand on their own brothers, and they shouldn't have treated the world like a game!"

Before he finished speaking, Sima Ye slowly slumped down beside him, and the two of them sat on the futon in an odd posture, like mandarin ducks entwined.

Sima Ye had always loved incense, and after becoming a Buddhist, his bedroom was filled with incense smoke. Now that he was a lay Buddhist, even every strand of his hair was imbued with the strong scent of sandalwood.

Liu Jun calmed down almost instantly, and the frustration, unease, disappointment and regret slowly disappeared. "Ha, the past cannot be retrieved, and there is no point in saying more. In any case, I am now useless as a son, grandson, husband, brother, father and partner. If I can't be a good emperor, what face will I have to live in this world?"

"I have witnessed your methods in governing the country and leading the army," Sima Ye said gently. "You are no less capable than either Emperor Wen or Emperor Guangwu of the Han Dynasty."

Looking into his clear eyes, Liu Jun said with a sigh, "If you were not the emperor and I were not the usurper, we would never have come to this."

"Then who would you and I be? Perhaps I am a wandering novice monk who spends his days eating vegetarian food, chanting Buddhist scriptures, and begging for alms, while you are probably a general who is invincible and wields a sword." Sima Ye leaned against Liu Jun's chest, but his face was directly facing the Bodhisattva's expressionless face. Even though he knew that the other party was just a clay statue, he still felt a little ashamed and broke free.

Liu Jun paused for a moment, seemingly realizing that this was somewhat inappropriate, then straightened his clothes and stood up. "Such a big thing has happened, I can no longer turn a blind eye. I will be leaving the capital for a while. If you want to leave the temple for a while, just bring enough people with you."

Sima Ye nodded, and Liu Jun, with his hands behind his back, looked at the Bodhisattva again and said to the eunuch behind him, "Bring paper and pen."

After saying this, he neatly wrote down the names of Liu Fan, Guo Shi, Liu Kun, Cui Shi, and Liu Zun, saying, "I want to light an everlasting lamp for them, but I don't know if there are any eminent monks in the temple who are willing to chant sutras and support them."

“There are no eminent monks, but there are sincere novices.” Sima Ye bowed.

Liu Jun smiled and gave him a deep look, "I will come to visit you again in the future."

As the candlelight flickered, Sima Ye said to the disgruntled Bi Gong beside him, "The Buddhist scriptures say that this is due to karmic debts from past lives."