Chapter 32

Yang Ye paused, and Zhou Yiheng was startled by his own sudden, blunt words. His mind went blank for a moment, and the air before him seemed frozen, leaving only the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears. When he finally realized what absurd thing he had said, without any preparation or probing, he had just blurted it out, laying it bare before her.

Cao (the fourth tone) He cursed himself in his heart.

The scorching heat rushed from his neck to his cheeks. Zhou Yiheng felt like he was about to burn up. He waved his hands in panic and explained to Yang Ye incoherently, "I'm sorry, I just said it casually, I didn't mean it that way."

His voice gradually became smaller and smaller, finally turning into an incoherent mumble. He lowered his head to look at the ground, wishing he could dig a hole right there and then to crawl into.

Seeing his embarrassment and annoyance, Yang Ye took a deep breath, her chest rising and falling slightly, and her nails unconsciously dug into her palms. She knew she should say something. For such an awkward situation, she needed to say something to break it, but her throat seemed to be choked by something. After a long while, she finally uttered two words, "No."

"Really?" Zhou Yiheng suddenly looked up, staring at Yang Ye in surprise, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. He hadn't expected her to answer him, but she did.

"But I think it probably won't happen again in the future," Yang Ye said softly, "I'm sorry."

Zhou Yiheng forced a smile and said, "I just asked casually, Boss, why are you saying sorry to me?"

Yang Ye frantically turned her face away, her gaze evasive. Her complex vision made her unsure where to look until she spotted the bare sycamore tree in the distance. Its last dead leaf still clung to its top, swaying precariously in the wind. She stared at the leaf for a long time, until her eyes began to ache.

Zhou Yiheng exhaled, and took a few steps forward pretending to be relaxed, but almost tripped over himself.

The two walked forward in silence, the fallen leaves beneath their feet making a rustling sound. Zhou Yiheng frowned, stroking his hair back and forth. He kept taking deep breaths and exhaling. He regretted it so much that his intestines almost turned green. If he could, he wished he could go back five minutes and cover his mouth. What had he been thinking then? What had gone wrong in his mind to ask such a question?

He slowed down his pace and waited for Yang Ye to come over. He caught a glimpse of the shadow beside him, and then he secretly glanced at Yang Ye again, and found that her lips were pursed until they turned pale, her brows were furrowed, and her face was tense, as if she was trying her best to endure something.

The surroundings were eerily quiet, a silence more painful than any rebuke. Zhou Yiheng opened his mouth, as if to say something to make amends, but it seemed as if he couldn't find the words to say.

The dry, warm autumn wind felt cold when it blew on them.

Finally, Zhou Yiheng couldn't help but break the silence, "I might have just been impulsive."

Yang Ye nodded lightly, she stopped, looked up at Zhou Yiheng, and Zhou Yiheng also stopped.

Sunlight filtered through the leaves, casting a few dappled shadows on his face. The moment he turned, Yang Ye seemed to see the shadow of another person. Two almost identical faces overlapped, yet within them lay two different souls. She unconsciously held her breath, as if she could see the man in the suit turning back in the sunlight, raising his hand and waving, his laughter startling the cicadas in the sycamore trees.

Zhou Yiheng scratched his head and said sadly: "Don't take it to heart"

"I know." Yang Ye's voice was so soft, so soft that it was almost blown away by the wind.

"Actually, you can also ask me," Zhou Yiheng said.

"Zhou Yiheng," Yang Ye suddenly spoke. She stared at Zhou Yiheng, her voice soft, even though she herself didn't realize it. "You remind me of a lot of things from the past."

"What's the matter?" Zhou Yiheng asked.

She walked forward, talking as she walked, as if telling a story, "I loved someone, loved him very much. He taught me many things, and it was he who brought me out of a cage that was so oppressive that I was almost suffocating. It was also he who told me that there are many different ways to live life. He taught me what love is, how to love, and how to accept being loved. But he also told me that the most painful thing in the world is not wanting something and not being able to get it, but getting it and being forced to lose it."

"The day he left, I felt like my life went with him."

The sycamore leaves swirled and fell between the two of them. Zhou Yiheng saw Yang Ye blink quickly several times, forcing back the tears in his eyes.

"How, how did he leave?" Zhou Yiheng stared at the sycamore leaf, his voice tense.

"Defending the country," Yang Ye said, pulling the corner of his mouth. "I don't know how he died, and no one ever told me. From the day I saw him, I knew I couldn't keep him. Even I, no, my father told me that his life and mine are different. I should abide by the rules and do things according to the instructions, while he lived a vigorous and unrestrained life."

Zhou Yiheng whispered, "But you are still together"

"Yes," Yang Ye replied. His thumbnail tickled the inside of his index finger, his gaze gazing into the distance. "I used to believe that life should follow a routine, without a single misstep. So when my father told me that my family was being disgraced, reviled, and ridiculed because of my marriage, I seriously considered ending it."

"Shame?" Zhou Yiheng pondered her choice of words. "You cheated on me?"

Yang Ye shook his head. "That person had a serious illness before he got engaged to me. It just happened to happen that the illness broke out on the day of the engagement, so that relatives and friends from both sides could see it."

"What does this have to do with you? You were also deceived."

Yang Ye smiled helplessly, "They said I didn't know people well."

Zhou Yiheng continued to speak for her, "Didn't you understand clearly before the engagement? But if the other party was hiding it, you wouldn't have known anything at all. He always acted normal when you met, right?"

Yang Ye said: "Actually, the day we got engaged was the first time I met him."

Zhou Yiheng frowned, looking at Yang Ye in bewilderment with a complex expression, unable to conceal the shock in his words. "I'm getting more and more confused. You two haven't even met each other. It's an arranged marriage, how can you blame it on you?"

The corners of her mouth curled up in a bitter arc, and her voice was so soft that it sounded like a sigh. She said: "Maybe someone has to take responsibility for all this."

"Then why you?" Zhou Yiheng couldn't help but ask.

She slowly turned her gaze back and looked at Zhou Yiheng in front of her.

"Yes, why me?" she asked herself softly in her heart.

Zhou Yiheng then asked, "After that, did you meet the person you like?"

"Yeah," Yang Ye responded.

Zhou Yiheng said: "You two should have a good relationship."

"He is indeed very nice to me," Yang Ye replied.

Zhou Yiheng looked at Yang Ye. He had always felt that there was a very contradictory feeling about Yang Ye. On one hand, he was calm and restrained, but on the other hand, he was straightforward and free. It turned out that that was the trace left by another person.

Zhou Yiheng swallowed his saliva, "So how good is that person to be remembered by you like this?"

"I don't know," she said softly, and the answer stunned both of them.

Yang Ye couldn't remember how good Xue Shangyang was.

To be honest, if Zhou Yiheng hadn't appeared, she might have forgotten Xue Shangyang's appearance and the heartbeat he had brought to her.

Recalling those unforgettable memories now seemed like looking through frosted glass, blurry and distorted. She remembered the feeling, but couldn't see the specifics. Even the pain that nearly killed her was now just an old scar on her chest that wouldn't fade.

"Perhaps what I remember is not him as a person, but the feeling of living that he taught me," Yang Ye said. She paused, "It's like the first time you see the ocean. You will always remember the shock you felt at that moment, but you may not remember the shape of every wave."

"Sometimes I also wonder, if he were still alive, if we had luckily survived those days together, we would probably be like ordinary people, experiencing quarrels, boredom, and eventually becoming family or simply separating." She passed Zhou Yiheng's gaze and looked into the distance, "It's just that death made all this impossible."

Xue Shangyang died in the year they loved each other the most.

So, even after decades, Yang Ye still can't let go of the love that has bound him for so many years.

Zhou Yiheng listened quietly, then suddenly asked, "Does he want you to live in memories like this forever?"

The words she wanted to say were suddenly choked. In a trance, she seemed to hear Xue Shangyang's most common words again, "Zhao Zhao, you must live well."

Yang Ye dug his nails into his palms, "He let me live well"

So I have been living, even if living makes me uncomfortable, even if this boring way of living day after day has almost suffocated me, even if my body is tired of this purposeless existence, even if all the people close to me have left, I still live.

Yang Ye's gaze fell on the sycamore leaf that had already drifted away.

Zhou Yiheng said softly, "But living a good life also includes making yourself happy, doesn't it?"

"I don't need happiness," Yang Ye smiled and wiped her eyes that were wet by the wind. Her tone was as relaxed as if she was discussing today's weather.

"You should find someone around your age." Yang Ye changed the subject, gently patted his arm, and said in a deliberately teasing tone, "Work hard, and I'll give you a bonus at the end of the year."

She turned so quickly that she nearly tripped over the curb.

Zhou Yiheng seemed to realize that this was Yang Ye's way of giving him a chance, so he also asked: "Then how much bonus can I get if I do well?"

It seemed as if the previous scene was just a trivial interlude, perhaps only the person involved knew what it felt like. Looking at Zhou Yiheng walking ahead of him, searching for a small shop, Yang Ye looked at his back, feeling an indescribable feeling in his heart.

She couldn't answer Zhou Yiheng's question.

Can't answer either.

Just like she could never tell the thirty-year-old man that living was actually more painful than death, just like she could never admit that during these years she was not guarding a love, but completing a self-punishment.

If it weren't for me, you would live a hundred years.

Xue Shangyang, do you regret meeting me?