Chapter 105: The Light of My Life

The first thing Zhu Juan remembered was Huang Yuliang's taste, because they spent a lot more time eating out together than staying alone in the house.

Huang Yuliang likes to teach her dining etiquette, for example, don't open your lips when chewing, keep both hands on the table when eating, don't hide either hand under the table, and when toasting, the wine glass should be lower than the elders.

He's a foodie. Though he may not have a large appetite, he possesses a discerning palate, claiming to be the city's foremost eater. He seems to prefer exploring lesser-known, less prestigious restaurants rather than prestigious three-star Michelin-starred establishments. Even there, Huang Yuliang is a keen observer of table manners. Zhu Juan takes his advice to heart, eating each mouthful with trepidation.

Gradually, she observed his expressions and meticulously memorized the dishes he favored with his chopsticks. She remembered that although he was a Beijinger, he had a genuine Cantonese palate, favoring light meals and appreciating the inherent flavors of food. Later, as they got to know each other better, she learned that his dietary preferences stemmed from his gastritis and liver problems, which he attributed to excessive drinking at social events.

The first property Huang Yuliang bought for her was a second-hand apartment within Beijing's Third Ring Road, housing over a dozen people on one floor. The soundproofing was average, but in Beijing, where land is so expensive, the sudden acquisition of a property still left Zhu Juan terrified. Furthermore, she and Huang Yuliang had only known each other for a month, and apart from five dinner dates, nothing had happened.

Although Zhu Juan didn't understand the twists and turns involved, she knew that there was no free lunch in the world. She was afraid that the house would require paying for something more expensive, so she waved her hands and refused.

Huang Yuliang said, "Just accept it. If you are not satisfied, you can sell it later and buy a better house in the community."

Zhu Juan asked bluntly, "What do you want from me, Mr. Huang?"

Huang Yuliang patted his stomach and smiled like the unparalleled Maitreya Buddha. He said, "You're overthinking it, Xiaozhu. I just can't bear to see anyone suffer. I hope you get better."

"Just tell me what you want me to do." Zhu Juan was terrified. She had been in Beijing for so long and had heard stories about the trafficking of human organs. She had a physical examination before giving birth, and her organs were all in perfect health.

Seeing her so terrified, Huang Yuliang had no choice but to act helpless. "Well, it seems that if I don't let you do something, you will be too scared to sleep tonight. How about this, if you really want to repay me, change your name. Zhu Juan, this name is not good, it's vulgar. I will give you a new name, Zhu Zhiwei, which means seeing the big picture from the small details. And Zhiwei is pronounced quickly, which is the same as your original name 'Juan'. How about it?"

Zhu Juan was completely stunned. It was the first time she heard of someone buying a house for free or without any other compensation, as long as the person changed his name.

This request was inexplicable, but she finally agreed to change her name because she didn't know how else to repay the favor.

Was this a favor? Zhu Juan couldn't tell. Huang Yuliang had indeed provided her with a place to live and money to support her life, but all of this "help" came without regard for her personal wishes. When she cautiously tried to refuse, he would suddenly mention her child in a kindly, threatening tone.

Children will always be Zhu Juan’s weak spot.

Of course, it wasn't the fear that the child would be hurt, but the fear that people would know that she had given birth to a child.

After Zhu Juan became Zhu Zhiwei, Huang Yuliang said that she should learn some skills that live up to her name so that people wouldn't know she was from the countryside at first glance.

Zhu Zhiwei said, "I haven't had many years of education, Mr. Huang."

"It's okay." Huang Yuliang said calmly, "I'll ask a private teacher to give you tutoring."

Zhu Zhiwei thought he was joking at first, but later found out that he actually hired a private tutor to teach her Chinese, English, arithmetic, and even physics, chemistry and business knowledge.

This is so weird.

His behavior made her more and more puzzled about his thoughts. Could it be that he was spending money to train her because he really intended to cultivate a pillar of the motherland?

Later, for a long time, Zhu Zhiwei's life was filled with study. She worked hard in those private lessons and even learned some piano music as a hobby.

She found herself becoming more and more like an urban beauty. She no longer spoke with her earthy accent, and was no longer startled by new things. When she listened to others talking about humanities and geography, and the international situation, such as the United States and the Middle East, she would occasionally chime in and make a comment that was not too sharp but not too embarrassing.

Six months passed, and her feelings for Huang Yuliang grew increasingly complex and intense. Awe was mixed with a strange dependence, because she realized that in the past six months, Huang Yuliang only did three things every time he came to her house: he took her out to eat, he sat on the sofa and patiently listened to her play the unfamiliar piano music, and he signed her up for new courses to help her improve her studies.

He was like a mysterious giver, asking for nothing in return, and most importantly, not coveting her body. It was as if, as he had said at the beginning, he really just couldn't bear to see the suffering in the world and hoped that she could get better and better.

She often felt she had nothing to repay him for. Every time he came, she humbly waited on him, serving him tea and water, washing her hands and making soup, eager to make him smile. But even so, Zhu Zhiwei still felt it was not enough, far from enough. She should repay him more, and she always felt guilty.

So that day, when Huang Yuliang was sitting on the sofa drinking the Biluochun tea she brewed, he casually said, "Xiao Zhu, become more beautiful for me." She agreed without even thinking.

First of all, there is that unpleasant black skin. Since Huang Yuliang doesn't like it, he will change it to a frosty white, get a lot of whitening injections, and transform himself from an ugly duckling into a white swan bit by bit.

She thought this was her way of repaying Huang Yuliang. Huang Yuliang had given her so much, and it didn't seem too much for her to change her appearance to please him visually.

He had suggested the whitening injections, but Zhu Zhiwei had taken the initiative to do the rest. She had double eyelid surgery, a nose job, shaved cheekbones and jawbone, and had hair transplants to fill in her hairline and make her forehead look less prominent.

Every time she finished and her head swelled up like a pig during the recovery period, she hated herself. But Huang Yuliang always smiled and nodded, stroked her long hair, and praised her generously: "You are very beautiful, Xiaozhu. I am very happy that you are willing to do this for me."

Zhu Zhiwei had never been praised for her beauty by a man her entire life, yet Huang Yuliang praised her beauty even when she herself considered herself ugly. Cheap compliments can be as devastating as a nuclear bomb to a girl who'd never been loved. Zhu Zhiwei thought perhaps God took pity on her and granted her true love in her time of despair.

At the age of seventeen, she inexplicably became superstitious about the fairy tale of true love, just as she believed that plastic surgery could sculpt her into a white swan.

But her dream did not last long before it was shattered for the first time because she accidentally found a graffiti drawn with a watercolor pen on the corner of his shirt.

She wanted to ask but didn't dare to. Her lips trembled for a long time before she mustered up the courage to ask, "Mr. Huang, this is..."

He looked back, his expression calm, as usual: "Oh, the little kid is naughty."

"Do you have a family?" She asked this with a smile on her face, but her tone sounded like she was crying.

Huang Yuliang was well versed in the art of speaking. He looked down at her calmly, condescendingly, "I thought you already knew that a wealthy middle-aged man like me must start a family before building a career."

Then, as her face gradually turned pale with his words, he comforted her in the perfect way, "It's nothing, Xiao Zhu. We're both innocent now, aren't we? We're soul mates. How can a platonic love be considered an affair?"

He said that his wife and children were responsibilities he had to bear, but she was different from them all, she was his muse, just like Humbert meeting Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins.

Zhu Zhiwei felt like she was listening to a fairy tale. She actually didn't know what Lolita was, but she thought Huang Yuliang was always right. His views were far superior to hers. Since he said it was correct, then it was correct.

Yes, they are innocent.

Huang Yuliang changed her house, perhaps to change her mood. Her name was not written on the property certificate of the new house because it was Huang Yuliang's private property and even his wife and children had never set foot in it. However, Huang Yuliang said that she had the right to use the house indefinitely.

The power of residential communities and school district housing in Haidian District should not be underestimated.

Huang Yuliang said that when her children grow up and need to go to school in Haidian District, the house can be considered for transfer to her.

"No need." Zhu Zhi smiled reluctantly and refused, "Her adoptive parents will arrange it for her."

Huang Yuliang then showed a satisfied expression.

He also gave her some start-up capital, rented a store in a department store for her, and encouraged her to start her own business.

"Make clothes with a light luxury style, it suits you." He commented with a smile.

With this start-up capital, Zhu Zhiwei built a considerable reputation. Huang Yuliang, looking through the financial statements, always said, "I knew my vision was right. You're worthy of my careful training."

But not long after moving into the house, Zhu Zhiwei discovered another secret that was enough to shatter her. One day, she had a sudden urge to clean the house, but she found an empty bottle of sildenafil under the bed in the master bedroom.

After checking the instructions for the drug, my first reaction was shock and understanding.

……I see.

No wonder there is nothing innocent between them, the truth is so ironic and simple.

Then came confusion and bewilderment—

Why was it eaten up? He said that his wife and children had never been to this house, which meant that there were other people who had stayed there.

Stomach acid rushed up her throat along with undigested food. Zhu Zhiwei suddenly felt like vomiting, so she covered her mouth and rushed into the bathroom, vomiting out all the dinner she had just eaten. Her throat was burning, as if it was burned by fire.

When she thought about what happened in the bed she slept in every night, she wanted to scrub herself off under the shower head.

So disgusting.

So disgusting, so disgusting, so disgusting.

The image of Huang Yuliang as an elegant and banished immortal in her mind is rapidly collapsing.

But besides the disgust, there is also a desire to prove one's own uniqueness.

She desperately wanted to know: if he could prove his virility with sildenafil, why wouldn't he do it on her? Was it because she lacked the allure of a woman? Or was it because she was truly special to him? A soul mate, a platonic love?

Driven by her own innocent fantasies, when Huang Yuliang came to her place to rest one night, Zhu Zhiwei was naked and sincere in front of him for the first time - in the physical sense.

"I had a breast augmentation," she said.

The dim moonlight filtered through the French windows, gilding her with the decayed glow of a sacrifice. Huang Yuliang frowned. The spot that should have symbolized his virility lay motionless, as if inanimate. He said coldly, "Put on your clothes."

Seeing her tears streaming down her face, he suddenly smiled compassionately, tinged with a hint of pride and a kind of perverted satisfaction that bordered on insanity. He said, "Xiao Zhu, our relationship isn't that superficial. You're special, don't you understand?"

Of course she understands, she actually understands everything.

She understood that a man with a flaw like Huang Yuliang's most pressing need was to seek conquest through the weak, to prove his own virility. He had money, which easily attracted young bodies and endless admiration. However, this freely available flesh and cheap affection could no longer fill the void deep within him caused by the loss of some function. So, he sought her out.

A perfect prey, isolated and helpless.

He shaped her, transformed her, sculpted her, taught her, and made her spirit live entirely on him.

This feeling of complete spiritual control over someone brought him to a cerebral orgasm irreplaceable by physical pleasure, allowing him to reaffirm his own authority. She was a different kind of prey from his previous transactions of money and sex; she was his trophy on a deeper level.

A woman who is willing to have plastic surgery for him, a woman who has no choice but to depend on him.

Her existence is good, of course. If something goes wrong in the future, she can be discarded at will without worrying about being found and harassed, because she is so isolated and alone.

She felt sorry for him, but she felt even more sorry for herself.

But none of this mattered. At this moment, Zhu Zhiwei only knew that he had gotten the answer he wanted.

He said she was special.

That’s great. It turns out that someone as humble as her can become someone’s special one.

She smiled through tears.

**

I forgot when I stopped contacting Zhu Yingning. Zhu Zhiwei always has missing memories of the past. Maybe it is a subconscious avoidance for self-protection.

Meeting Zhu Yingning by chance was an unexpected surprise, so unexpected that she did not feel the joy of reunion at all, but was instead panicked.

A kind of panic that is similar to being paraded naked through the streets.

Zhu Yingning is an awkward existence, a mixture of Zhu Zhiwei's biological sister and biological daughter.

Zhu Zhiwei was afraid of her, just as she was afraid of her own daughter and those sisters who were alive or dead. She, like them, was a responsibility that Zhu Zhiwei could never get rid of in her lifetime.

She had the obligation to act as a close elder sister in front of her and to educate her to walk the right path. She still remembered that a long time ago, it was she who taught Zhu Yingning earnestly, saying, Ningning, you must persist in studying.

Therefore, she has to pretend to be perfect and strong in front of her.

“My sister is my role model.”

When she saw the composition written by Zhu Yingning, she cried for a long time, until she didn't have the courage to finish reading the whole composition. She cried so hard that she felt like she was suffocating and the world was about to collapse.

She wanted to say, no, I am not your role model, I am a very bad person, I don’t deserve your admiration.

But in the end she said nothing. When she woke up the next day, she still put on the smile of a mature woman and played the role of the caring big sister that everyone loved.

Her body escaped from the mountains late that night in 2007, but her soul remained trapped in the mountains, crying and wandering in depression, never truly finding freedom.

"I feel like I'm drowning in water every day. Sometimes when I'm walking by the river, I think about just jumping in and being done with it all," Zhu Zhiwei said crying.

The wind was strong by the river, lifting the hair behind her shoulders, but it could not lift the heavy wet hair on her cheeks that was stuck to her tears.

What happened later can be easily guessed without elaboration. It was so cliché and boring. It was nothing more than her relationship with Huang Yuliang being known to the real person.

Huang Yuliang said to her: "Xiao Zhu, you love me. You are willing to bear everything for me, right?"

Maybe she should say no. Does she love him? After thinking about this question so many times, Zhu Zhiwei herself couldn't be sure of the answer.

But she had lost the ability to say no to him. She nodded and said, "Yes, I love you. I love you the most in the world. I am willing to do anything for you."

Huang Yuliang cleared himself of all charges in front of his wife, saying only that he was seduced by Zhu Zhiwei. His wife came to the store angrily with a group of people and burned all the hard work Zhu Zhiwei had put in over the years.

She was so docile that she was almost numb as she endured everything that she should and should not have to endure, watching the red words sprayed on the wall, dark red like a scabby wound.

She never said a bad word about Huang Yuliang, nor did she confess his deception of her from beginning to end, nor did she reveal the people with whom he had actually had relationships.

It doesn't matter, she thought.

No matter what the outcome is, she will bear it all.

This is her retribution, her law of cause and effect.

"I'm sorry." After she finished recounting everything, she realized how weak and cowardly she had been. Her eyes were sore from crying, and the tears that flowed out seemed like transparent blood. "I'm sorry, Ningning... I didn't set a good example for you. I'm sorry. I'm not a good sister. I'm sorry. I don't think I'm a good person either. I'm sorry."

"Why do you want to apologize to me?" Zhu Yingning opened his mouth and tasted saltiness in his mouth.

Others will judge what is right and wrong. She no longer wants to be a saint who makes the final decision. She only feels bitter and sad, letting the tears flow. She says, "I'm sorry for you... I'm sorry, it's because I'm too weak that you feel you can't rely on me, and that's why you have to pretend to be strong in front of me all the time. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you when you were having a hard time."

They were like two machines that only knew how to apologize, repeating the same thing to each other over and over again.

A light rain began to fall from the sky, a spring rain to be exact. People say that spring rain moistens everything silently, but in reality, the spring rain felt sticky when it fell on their bodies, like an invisible spider web, enveloping them.

Finally, Zhu Zhiwei said first: "I want to be alone for a while."

"Where are you going?"

"Go home." After saying this, he realized that the words were ambiguous and added, "I rented a small house with the money I earned from the clothing store."

After adding this, I thought about it and found it more ridiculous. The initial capital for the clothing store was also invested by Huang Yuliang. She was just like what she said before, a mannequin made of silicone. No one knew what was real on her body. Even her income seemed so illusory.

After a brief silence, she turned and left.

Zhu Yingning didn't chase after her. She watched Zhu Zhiwei's back until her figure was gradually blurred and swallowed by the hazy rain. She saw her trying to take a cigarette from her pocket and light it, but the scattered flame of the cigarette was extinguished by the rain.

The drizzle kept falling on Zhu Yingning's shoulders. She turned around and lay on the cold stone platform of the river railing.

The moisture of rain mixed with the fishy smell of soil rose from the soil.

The river flows in the darkness, rippling.