Chapter 3 Chapter 3 - Going Home and Getting Scolded

After a long moment, Mr. Guo asked in a hoarse voice, "Did I hear him wrongly when he mentioned Shen Zhen's body?"

After Li Siyan left, my tense heart suddenly relaxed.

I felt empty inside and nodded numbly, "Sir, you heard me right. He killed my father, my second uncle, and my brother. There are four historians in the family, and now I'm the only one left."

"Many people died in the palace yesterday," I paused, then continued softly, "Sir, I don't want to see any more blood, so I told you about this, hoping to save as many lives as possible."

Guo Xin had probably guessed it long ago. He sighed and said in a softer voice, "My condolences."

"Sir, you don't blame me?"

I asked in a low voice.

Guo Xin said, "I don't blame you. Once this memo is released, the Crown Prince's lineage will no longer have a chance of ascending the throne. You revealed such a significant secret just to save my life. Do you think this is right?"

I didn't say anything, but deep down I didn't regret it at all.

I am a historian and I have always been straightforward. Since those two children are not the prince's, it is not a bad thing for the truth to be revealed to the world.

"Well, you're an adult now. You should bear the consequences of your actions."

Seeing that I didn't reply for a long time, Guo Xin sighed again.

"Sir, I've already paid the price," I said, my head bowed. "Yesterday, in front of all the officials, I pointed at his nose and spat at him. I wanted to follow my father and brother, but I was a little slow in pulling out the hairpin... He threatened to confiscate my property and exterminate my clan, and ordered me to serve as his attendant for fifteen years, keeping me by his side and slowly torturing me..."

“Nonsense!”

Guo Xin became agitated again. "You're a girl, why are you getting involved in this? Scolding you in front of the court is a heinous crime. You're lucky he didn't kill you on the spot. If I had known you were so ignorant of the seriousness of the matter, I shouldn't have recommended you to the late emperor!"

I stubbornly lowered my head and took the scolding.

Is it unfair? Yes, it is unfair, but if I had to do it again, I would probably do it the same way.

Guo Xin was very angry at my audacity. He dragged his broken body and scolded me for more than half an hour. Later, he was really exhausted and fell asleep in a daze.

After he fell asleep, I carefully covered him with my outer robe, glanced at the closed cell door, found a corner, curled myself up into a small ball, and stared at the stone wall in a daze.

I wasn't too sleepy, I just felt very confused. After being scolded so many times, I began to doubt whether I had really done something wrong.

After a long time, the stone door was opened, and a young eunuch walked in and said to me, "Madam Shen, His Majesty has allowed you to return home for two days. The sedan chair is already prepared outside. Please come in."

My legs were numb and I couldn't stand up. I squatted in the corner and asked, "What about Mr. Guo?"

The eunuch said, "Your Majesty has no other instructions."

I didn't give up: "...Mr. Guo is weak and can't stand the dampness of the dungeon..."

The eunuch continued, "Your Majesty has not given any instructions."

There was no other way, so I could only leave Mr. Guo behind. Before leaving, I looked back at him. He was sleeping soundly, covered with my outer robe. His body under the robe was skinny and exuded the smell of old age.

For no reason, I recalled how he taught me to read when I was a child. At that time, he had not yet served the late emperor as a Huangmen Lang, but only held an idle position in the Hanlin Academy. After finishing his work every day, he would lead us kids to read the Analects of Confucius in the backyard. He always said that when dealing with people and things, kindness should be the first priority, and he really did it.

Whether he was helping Li Siyan at the beginning or helping the two children of the prince's family later, he was driven by the pure kindness in his heart.

But, how can one repay kindness with evil? Li Siyan is cold and cruel by nature, so how could he remember his kindness?

I thought sadly that the books of sages teach us to be upright and good people, but looking at history, good people are more likely to suffer misfortune, while evildoers last for a long time. How can the way of heaven be so unfair?

After tossing and turning for a whole night, I felt like I was in another world when I stepped out of the prison.

I looked up into the distance. The sky was getting light. The young sun was rising in the east of Chang'an. It was a new day.

Today is a day off, the Censorate is empty, but there is a lot of traffic outside. I sit in a stable sedan chair, walking through the streets and alleys of my familiar neighborhood, letting the noise of the crowd swallow me up.

This is where I grew up, the most prosperous and beautiful city in the world. Here there are people in high positions like clouds, merchants everywhere, beautiful women walking gracefully with flowers, and poets drinking and singing under the green locust trees... But at this moment, listening to the laughter outside, I feel for the first time in my life that I am not connected to the joys and sorrows of this city.

Why were they laughing? I wondered, bewilderedly, what was there to celebrate about Li Siyan, who had murdered historians, executed former officials, and raped orphaned girls, committing all sorts of evil?

My relatives died for justice, but it seems the people don't care.

When I reached the end of the East Market, I saw a familiar dessert shop. The proprietress was serving a plate of crystal clear Jade Dew Pastry with glutinous crushed ice at the bottom, drizzled with a layer of sweet butter, and a prickly ash pinned on the top. It was elegant and refreshing. This is my favorite dessert.

"Stop," I shouted suddenly, and jumped off the sedan before it could stop.

The proprietress recognized me, but she didn't know what had happened to me. She looked at the four sedan bearers dressed as eunuchs, and then at me, who was haggard and had a bandage on my head, and she was completely confused.

I whispered, "Sister Yunniang, I want to eat Yu Lu Su Shan."

"Okay, okay," the lady boss quickly touched my head and told the little girl to prepare some ice cubes. She asked with concern, "What happened to Yingying? Did you hit your head?"

I lowered my head and said nothing. Yunniang saw that I was sad, so she gently tucked my hair behind my ears and said softly, "It's okay. Eat something sweet first."

I said to her, "Sister Yunniang, please take care of yourself. I probably won't come again. I..."

I can't go on.

Since yesterday, my mind has been in an extremely unstable state. I am afraid that if I say one more word, I will burst into tears in public.

Yunniang sighed and said, "Good boy, I know you don't want to talk more. It doesn't matter. My stall is always here. If you are still craving my ice cream, just come to me and I will make you some crispy noodles."

I took the bowl of crystal clear crispy noodles, said goodbye to her, and got back into the sedan chair.

The Sushan is mellow and sweet, just like the taste in my memory.

I also remembered that time when I dragged my father, uncle, aunt, and brother to patronize Yunniang's business. My brother thought this thing was too sweet, so he threw it all to me after eating two bites. I ate two bowls of Sushan that day and had diarrhea that night. My second uncle laughed at me and said that I was a brown bear from the mountains who came to the city and only liked to eat sweet and cool things. My father went to the stove to cook Coptis chinensis for me, and scolded me with a stern face, saying that I was not allowed to eat too much ice in the future.

Bang! A teardrop hit the top of the soft mountain, crushing the bright red rosehip flower.

From the moment I walked out of the history museum, I haven't cried since then. I thought I had lost the ability to shed tears, but some memories are engraved in the taste buds and will accompany a person throughout his life. When you are unconscious, they will suddenly make you recall something.

From the moment I took my first bite of the Sushan, the joyful memories of the past instantly broke down the walls in my heart.

Drop by drop, my tears burst out. The grief finally found an outlet, and then the tears fell.

Listening to the laughter of the crowd outside, I huddled alone in the corner of the jade chariot, crying silently while stuffing mouthfuls of Sushan. The sweet syrup melted in my mouth. It was so sweet, probably the only sweet taste in this terrible world.

I cried and ate my tears. When I got off the sedan chair at Anyifang, I wiped my tears, threw away the empty bowl, and turned back into the strong eldest daughter of the Shen family.

I don't have time to cry anymore. Li Siyan only gave me two days of free time. During these two days, I had too many things to take care of and I really had no time to relieve my sadness.

Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open and entered the vestibule.

When I saw my aunt, she had changed into a white widow's outfit and was bargaining with the clerk at the funeral supplies store. She insisted that the order must come with paper money, incense and candles, otherwise she would go to another store.

"Our family has ordered three coffins, plus a stone tablet, white silk, and an altar. It's such a big deal, so there should be some discount." My aunt knocked on the table and said confidently.

It was probably the first time for the guy to see such a fighting widow. He was defeated step by step and could only agree reluctantly in the end.

After seeing the waiter off, my aunt caught sight of me.

The two unfortunate women looked at each other in silence for a long while. She sighed and asked me, "Yingying, what on earth is going on?"

I burped and told him everything.

She is really my aunt. After hearing this, her first reaction was to beat me.

"You reckless little bastard! You must have read so much history that you can't believe it. Do you know that this is a serious crime against your superiors? A serious crime!" Her pretty face turned red with anger, and she picked up a bench and hit my butt with it fiercely.

I dodged her attack around the table and said aggrievedly, "I know, that's why I wanted to scold him and then hit the pillar, but who knew the dog emperor wouldn't let me!"

"You still want to commit suicide!" Aunt was furious.

She threw the bench and continued to curse: "You are such a hapless fool, you have the same temper as your father. Why don't you just admit you are a coward? What's wrong with that? The one above has just ascended the throne and is worried about who will establish his authority. But you are just walking into the muzzle of the gun! This is going to be interesting. You will pay for fifteen years, and you will never marry again in this life. We, an orphan and a widow, cannot leave Chang'an. Ah, what sin have I committed!"

I asked in confusion, "What do you mean? Why can't Auntie and Xiaochuan leave Chang'an?"

My aunt rolled her eyes at me. "What do you think? Someone from the palace came this morning and told us to stay in Chang'an City, allowing Xiaochuan to study at the Imperial College later... To put it bluntly, they're detaining us here to give you some concerns."

I was struck by lightning, and in an instant I understood everything. My knees softened, and I knelt before her and cried, "Aunt, I'm sorry. I was too impulsive. I made you so tired that you can't go anywhere. Please beat me up, so that I can feel better."

My aunt tried to comfort me gruffly, "I hit you because you're not willing to die, not because of this. Why are you kneeling? Isn't it better to stay in Chang'an? I have a house to live in, Xiaochuan has books to read, and my niece has a salary to earn. A sixth-rank attendant is a good position if I can serve the emperor in return."

After thinking about it carefully, it seems to be a good idea. As long as I am not dead, there will be one more person in the family who can earn money, and it also solves Xiaochuan's enrollment problem. It's not a loss.

My aunt is worthy of being the mistress of the house. She whitewashed my crime from an economic perspective.

I calmed down a little and suddenly remembered the will, so I repeated my father's last words, saying that he asked me to go to Luoyang to find my aunt.

My aunt sighed, "Forget about that. Even if you run away, your aunt won't have the courage to take you in."

She realized something, grabbed my arm, and asked me in a deep voice, "Where is your second uncle? What did he say?"

My second uncle's last words were quite explosive, so I told her hesitantly.

When the aunt heard that her second uncle wanted her to remarry, her eyes turned red.

Such a strong woman also revealed her fragile side at this moment.

"Let him dream on. I'm not going anywhere. I'll spend my whole life in the Shen family. Even after a hundred years, I'll be lying in the same pit with him." The aunt rubbed her knuckles until they crackled, and said through gritted teeth, "Anything else?"

"My second uncle said that the housing prices in Anyifang are going to fall, so he asked us to sell our house."

My aunt nodded and said, "That's right. Living in such a big house like this for an orphan and a widow is too much of a concern. We'll move to a smaller one later."

Finally, my aunt and I worked together to dig out my second uncle's private money from under the dog hole, a total of two taels of gold and some loose copper coins.

My aunt stared at my second uncle's private money with a distorted expression.

I guess she was wondering whether to throw shit on her second uncle's grave.

"Aunt, the dead are the greatest." I said weakly, "Second Uncle has finally stopped and confessed. Please be magnanimous and forgive him."

The aunt let out a breath of foul air: "What else? I can't go to the underworld to settle the score with him myself."

"It's just two taels of gold, not worth much. I'll buy him a set of books to bury him with." Aunt said, "Your second uncle has never had many hobbies in his life, except for these things with calligraphy and paintings. If I had known this, I shouldn't have stopped him when he said he wanted to buy a set of natural history books last month."

I wanted to tell her that my second uncle had secretly placed an order at the bookstore, but seeing her sad expression, I didn't dare.

"Oh, right," Auntie said to me, as if she suddenly remembered something, "Meng Xu came to see you last night."

"He came to see me?" I was stunned.

Meng Xu is my childhood best friend and first love, and also my fiancé, with whom I have an engagement certificate.

One person holds several positions, which shows that he holds an extraordinary position in my heart.

My aunt nodded and said, "He looked unhappy at the time. He must have known about your situation. You should handle it yourself and don't delay him."

"Does he know that I've offended the emperor? Where is he now?" I suddenly became anxious: "Don't tell me he's going to do something stupid!"

The aunt said, "He's been locked up in the mansion. You know, the old lady in his family is a powerful figure. In these troubled times, she will definitely not allow her grandson to do anything reckless outside."

I felt a little comforted when I recalled how Old Lady Meng beat people with her cane.

"But don't be too happy too soon. I think your marriage is 99% likely to fail."

My aunt poured cold water on me: "Who in the world would wait for a girl for fifteen years?"

I said sadly, "Let it be. I'd rather Meng Xu marry another young lady than have him wait for me for so long in vain."

"You have to deal with the problems you caused yourself," said the aunt. "He left a letter for you. It's under the paperweight in your room. Read what he means first, and then make your decision."

"I understand." I felt uncomfortable and whispered, "I will go to the Meng family to cancel the engagement tomorrow."

My aunt turned her head and stared at my dim eyes for a long moment, then suddenly asked, "When you were scolding the emperor, did you ever think of him?"

I was stunned by the question.

The aunt turned her head and said indifferently, "I guess you haven't thought about it. You Shen family members are ruthless by nature. You are like this, and your second uncle is also like this. In your hearts, family members are not as important as the righteousness of the historian."

She lit the lantern in front of the door and said calmly, "Your death will preserve your reputation, and it will be clean and innocent. But the ones who worry about you are the ones who are still alive."

The white lantern spun in the night wind, making half of my aunt's face as white as moonlight.

There was a strong sense of fatigue in her voice, and when she told me, it sounded more like she was blaming my second uncle.

She blamed him for being so cruel as to abandon them, an orphan and a widow, and she also blamed him for actually trying to persuade her to remarry.

I was speechless and lowered my head silently.

Today, Xia Fugui, Mr. Guo, and my aunt criticized and educated me one after another, but I just ignored them and didn't reflect on my actions at all.

But just now, my aunt said with great disappointment that you Shen family members are born ruthless, and my heart suddenly felt like it was pricked by a needle, and it hurt secretly.

Maybe I also feel a little regretful, but I just don’t dare to admit it.

I dare not admit that my persistence is meaningless, nor do I dare to admit that I am not that strong at heart. After my courage fades, I will also be afraid.

But……

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists.

But the thing has been done, and we must bear the consequences.

Following my aunt's instructions, I found Meng Xu's letter under the paperweight.

The moment I received the letter, I had the urge to burn it directly, but in the end I sighed and started reading it.

Meng Xu, as his name suggests, is a chatterbox who loves to show off his knowledge. He wrote five pages of paper in a very eloquent manner, and the main idea can be summarized in just one sentence: the marriage alliance is preserved, and I await your return.

It made my blood boil and my head hurt.

What do you mean by "waiting for your return"? Does he know how long fifteen years is?

Brother Meng is good in every way, except that he's too stubborn. Once he's made up his mind, he won't budge. Since he said he'd wait for me, he must have already made up his mind not to marry me... But how easy is that? First, he has to get over his family, then wait for me all alone for fifteen years. What's more, what would he do if I accidentally ended up in the palace?

No, I threw the letter aside and thought according to my solar terms: I must make him give up this dangerous idea.

I don't want to ruin his smooth first half of life.

I slept hastily all night, and as soon as the rooster crowed the next day, I got out of bed, hurriedly ate a few bites of bread, and rushed to the Meng Mansion on the other side of Anyifang, and told the doorman that I was looking for Meng Xu.

The doorman who was originally familiar with me had a face that looked like a bereaved mother, and said in a gloomy tone: "Hello, Madam Shen, our old lady said that women with the surname Shen are not allowed to enter the Meng Mansion. Please go back."

Hey, this little bastard, you dare to act like a big shot in front of me.

I leaned against the door railing and said, "I'm here to cancel the engagement. If it doesn't work out, forget it."

"Mrs. Shen, please wait a moment. I will go and report to the old lady." Menzi's face brightened up and he ran away.

The speed was so fast that I even suspected that this person was secretly in love with Meng Xu.

After I explained my intention to break off the engagement, everyone in the Meng family showed me an amazing welcome, except Meng Xu himself.

——Because he is on hunger strike to fight for the right to marry freely.

Old Lady Meng had tried to force him to drink porridge for the eighteenth time today but to no avail. She was so angry that her face turned blue and she looked at me with a very unfriendly look, as if she was looking at a seductive female demon.

I can almost hear her screams of unwillingness in her heart: How could this woman, with her plain looks and bad personality, be so captivated by her outstanding grandson?

I thought coldly: Because of my damn charm.

"Since you're here, go see him," Old Lady Meng said, trying to sound kind. "This child has a stubborn temper. He must be unwilling to accept that we, his elders, have canceled the marriage for no reason. You must go and persuade him to untie the knot in his heart."

"good."

I agreed readily.

Without the need for a servant to lead the way, I went to Meng Xu's yard as I was familiar with the place. As soon as I opened the door, I saw Meng Xu sitting upright on the couch with a firm look in his eyes. He looked like a fugitive Buddha statue from Ci'en Temple.

I was so scared that I screamed.

He was a very upright man, and even his hunger strike looked respectable. His handsome face was as pale as paper. When he saw me, his eyes narrowed slightly, and then he sighed softly, "...I'm hallucinating from hunger."

Thousands of alpacas were running through my heart. Maybe this group of alpacas was too heavy, and they made my heart feel a little bit sore.

Brother Meng has always been a gentle, elegant and introverted person, but he is willing to torture himself like this for me. I just lost my loved one, and any kindness others show me will make me cherish it like a drowning man grabbing a life-saving straw.

However, I also know clearly that I am not qualified.

He deserves better life.

Without saying a word, I picked up the bowl of porridge, shoved it roughly into his hand, and ordered, "Drink it."

He shook his head: "If you don't drink, you are not Yingying."

I laughed dryly: "I'm not, are you? Get up and drink your porridge. I have something to tell you."

Try your best to look cool.

He looked at me in confusion and reached out to touch my cheek.

I dodged to the side, took out his engagement letter, and stuffed it into his hand along with the bowl of porridge.

"Brother Meng, I'm here to cancel the engagement."

"You should have heard about what happened yesterday. I offended Li Siyan. He threatened to confiscate my property and exterminate my clan, and demanded that I keep a diary for him for fifteen years. I had no choice but to not marry you. I'm sorry."

Seeing that he didn't respond, I said, "The third daughter of the Minister of Revenue's family has long admired you. Why don't you..."

He interrupted me calmly: "I will not marry anyone else."

Seeing that he was stubborn and unyielding, I became anxious and said earnestly, "Brother Meng... No, Mr. Meng, it's been fifteen years. There are so many beautiful women in Chang'an City. You don't have to focus on just me. It's not worth it."

Meng Xu still shook his head.

This man hadn't eaten or drunk anything the entire day, yet he was still so stubborn. The engagement letter I had given him was stuffed right back into my hands by him.

We are as childish as two kids shoving red envelopes.

Finally, Meng Xu put the Geng Tie aside and said, "Stop making trouble and listen to me carefully."

He fixed his eyes on me, gentle yet resolute, "Yingying, you must know that I only want to spend my life with you. When I learned what you had done yesterday, I wasn't just concerned for your safety; I was also proud of your courage. You rebuked me in court and argued your case. Even a man might not have had such courage, yet you did it without hesitation. I admire you very much."

My head was buzzing and I could hear my own heartbeat, as loud as a drum. The only thing left in my mind was that he was proud of my courage.

I spoke unconsciously: "Brave? Everyone thinks I'm stupid, Xia Fugui, Auntie, Mr. Guo... They all think that because I'm a girl, I should be submissive and keep quiet. But I don't want to be like this, Brother Meng, I don't want to be like this. My father said that historians should have a clear conscience and a clean record. I don't want to live in disgrace. Is that wrong..."

As I spoke, my tears welled up again and wet his clothes.

Meng Xu held me in his arms, gently patted my back, and said softly, "Aunt and Mr. Guo said this because they are worried about you, not necessarily because they think you are wrong. You have worked hard, have a good cry. You did nothing wrong. It was the emperor who was wrong. Killing the historian was the most despicable method an emperor could use. Our Yingying was absolutely right to scold him."

I grabbed his sleeve tightly and trembled, "Brother Meng, I'm so scared. You don't know, my father's blood splattered far away, just because he refused to listen to Li Siyan. This man is a devil, a mad dog. When I see him, I want to bite his neck off. How could I have endured it for fifteen years?"

"Don't be afraid. In a few months it will be time for Jinshi to be appointed. I will look for an opportunity to get a job that will allow me to go in and out of the palace. Maybe I will be lucky enough to accompany you for a while." Meng Xu touched my hair.

I couldn't hold it in any longer, so I fell into his dry and warm arms and burst into tears.

It was the kind of crying that was really done at the top of one's lungs. If it were during the Qin Dynasty, it could have brought down the Great Wall; if it were during the Three Kingdoms period, it could have collapsed the city gates. It was as if I wanted to vent all my grievances, fears, and confusions about the future. Meng Xu hugged me, and we were like two trees embracing each other in the wilderness, holding on to each other tightly and not wanting to let go.

Many years later, the people of the Meng family told me that they were originally quite angry with me, wondering what was wrong with this girl. She said she came to cancel the engagement, but ended up chatting with the young man at home. The old lady was furious and brought people over to throw me out, but when she heard my crying through the door, she was stunned. She had never seen anyone cry like this in her life, so sad, so heartbroken, as if she wanted to cry her heart out blood. She raised her hand several times, then put it down again, and finally just sighed, turned around and left.

After repeatedly emphasizing that I was not allowed to seek suicide again, Meng Xu drank the bowl of cold porridge and walked me out the door.

He knew I still had a lot of things to do and couldn't keep me up for too long.

Brother Meng is so nice. No matter what I do, he is always willing to stand by my side. No one in the world understands me better than him.

Someone is waiting for me outside, maybe these fifteen years won’t be so difficult.

My aunt is right, I thought to myself, dying is so easy, but mustering the courage to live is the hardest thing. But living is better than dying. Only by living can I live a peaceful life with Brother Meng, and only by living can I stay with my aunt and fulfill my filial piety, and go to the grave with her every Qingming Festival to curse my second uncle.

"It's good once you figure it out."

After returning home, my aunt listened to my future plans and gently touched my head.

While helping me prepare my personal belongings, she chattered to me about the people who died in this turmoil, some of whom committed suicide and some were killed by Li Siyan.

Finally, she mentioned it, and in the afternoon, Li Siyan opened the Censorate prison and released a group of old ministers, which was regarded by everyone as a signal that the matter was settled.

"Where is Mr. Guo?" I asked.

"He was released." She stuffed two golden beans into my small purse. "But a new emperor appoints new ministers. He can no longer be a Huangmen official. The emperor sent him to the Imperial Academy to be a teacher."

"Your Majesty?" I said indignantly, "He's not worthy of being the emperor. Mr. Guo is in such a miserable state, it's all his fault!"

My aunt said anxiously, "You stubborn boy! Now that things have come to this, why are you still so stubborn? Is the Imperial Palace a place where you can reason with others?"

She pinched my ear and lectured me, "You have such a stubborn temper! You won't last more than three songs in the palace! Be smart when you get in there, and don't let me know you're causing trouble again!"

"……oh."