Chapter 33 I'm sick, why do I remember it so bitterly?

When Wen Feng came out of the bathroom, Yu Xue was already lying down wrapped in a blanket.

Wen Feng knew she wasn't asleep and was afraid she'd have trouble sleeping because of her worries, so he stopped by her bedside, wanting to talk to her.

But the words stuck in my throat.

He took a step and headed towards his bed.

He had just lain down when he heard Yu Xue get up. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, lying there silently.

The next moment, two arms intertwined, embracing him, and a sobbing sound rang out.

Yu Xue: "I'm sorry." She felt she had to say it, otherwise she would never be able to sleep peacefully.

Wen Feng turned around and silently wiped away her tears.

Yu Xue: "I shouldn't have said those things. I know they were hurtful and disrespectful to you at all..."

She buried her head in Wen Feng's chest, wetting his shirt, and said in a muffled voice, "I'm sorry, I know I was wrong, I... I don't know what's wrong with me, I wasn't like this before... I'm sorry. Ever since I got sick, you've been taking care of me. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't know who to talk to about all my things."

She said, "But I've hurt you time and time again, I didn't want to... I wasn't like this before... Maybe back then... I didn't know..."

Wen Feng wrapped his arm around her waist and held her tightly. "It's okay. You didn't say anything, so I didn't take it to heart. I was just worried that you'd keep thinking about it and not be able to sleep at night. Don't think about it. I'm really fine."

Yu Xue's tears flowed even more freely, and Wen Feng's attempts to comfort her had the opposite effect.

He was tongue-tied and didn't know how to comfort people, so he could only pat Yu Xue's back repeatedly in an attempt to soothe her.

He patiently repeated, over and over again, "It's okay, I'm really not angry, I'm not..."

Yu Xue tilted her head back, arched her body slightly, and pressed her cheek against his chin. "Wen Feng, I admit it, I might really be sick. I might be mentally ill, and I can't heal myself... I don't want to hurt you anymore. Let's go see a doctor. I want to get better, I want to be like before. You know, if my fans suddenly find out one day that I'm mentally ill... they'll definitely hate me for lying to them..."

Yu Xue said she was willing to see a doctor, which should have made Wen Feng happy, but his heart felt like it was being squeezed by a giant hand, and he was in excruciating pain.

He said, "Yu Xue, don't feel anything. Mental illness is just like a cold or fever. It's just an illness. Mental illness can be mild, just like a cold or fever can be severe and require isolation. It's all the same. We're just sick. Once we're cured, everything will be fine. Don't be afraid."

“I know, I know…” Yu Xue clutched Wen Feng’s clothes. “I was just wondering when my illness started… Was it in middle school? Were the things my middle school classmates said true? I really am mentally ill, and they were right to target me…”

"Nonsense." Wen Feng immediately said, "So what if you're sick? Does being sick mean you can be bullied or treated however you want? You haven't hurt anyone. Your illness is affecting yourself, not others. No one has the right to trample on your dignity or harm your body."

He realized his tone was a bit serious, so he exhaled, letting out a breath to clear away the hostility in his mouth.

He said, "Xuexue, let's calm down and focus on getting better first. If it doesn't get better in one year, then two years; if it doesn't get better in two years, then three years. I'll be with you. You're sick now, so I'm with you. If one day I get sick, you'll be with me too."

Yu Xue: "Actually, I can manage on my own. Dad is getting old and his health isn't good. You should go to work. You don't need to stay at home with me and be so decadent."

Wen Feng was silent for a moment, then sighed and said, "I'm worried. I'll go back when you're feeling better."

The crying stopped, and the room became quiet. Apart from the breathing of the person next to you, you could hear nothing else.

Wen Feng closed his eyes, preparing to sleep, when suddenly he heard a faint voice beside him, "But it's true that I said I would have a physical reaction to you."

Yu Xue stroked Wen Feng's chest. "I want to tell you that the reason I didn't confess to you is because I'm afraid that one day I'll go home. Actually, I've loved you very much for a long time. I don't know why, but the first day I came here, the first time I saw you, I felt that I should love you... Maybe it's another Yu Xue who loves you. She loves you so much, maybe she's loved you since she was a child... You meet all the criteria of her dream lover."

Yu Xue looked at his closed eyes, "To her, you must be a dream she dared not wake up from, so beautiful it was unreal..."

Wen Feng opened his eyes, met her gaze, grabbed her hand, and kneaded each of her fingers one by one. The slight pain stimulated Yu Xue, soothing her numb nerves.

Wen Feng: "Look, it's not a dream, it will hurt."

"This world is not a dream," Yu Xue murmured.

What is a dream?

What is a dream?

She had asked herself this question many times: she always felt like she was traveling between dreams, but she couldn't find a real exit or a point in reality.

At this moment, the clear touch and Wen Feng's thick chest made her feel real, and her feet were firmly planted on solid ground.

Her doubts stopped at this question; she never dared to delve deeper, never dared to think about it carefully.

Let's just stop here.

Let's stop here.

Don't shatter her beautiful dream.

She closed her eyes, leaned against Wen Feng's chest, hoping to get a good night's sleep.

But she could only struggle in a half-dream, half-awake state. In the latter half of the night, she felt the rise and fall of Wen Feng's chest, opened her eyes, and looked at the ceiling. Her mind was filled with all sorts of dreams, which made it impossible for her to fall asleep.

On the third day after returning home, with her consent, Wen Feng arranged for the doctor to visit after 2 p.m.

He had already found a doctor, but for various reasons, the two of them had not been able to meet. However, the doctor often gave Wen Feng some treatment suggestions, which Wen Feng then carried out. So, although he had never met the doctor, he already knew about his illness.

Upon their first meeting, the doctor pretended to know nothing and inquired carefully, "Mr. Wen said you feel you can't control your emotions. Can you tell me the specifics?"

“Uh…” Yu Xue didn’t know where to begin. She leaned back in her chair and wrapped the blanket tighter around herself. “I often feel down, it’s just… uh… I feel down for no reason, and then I’ll take it out on the people around me, yell and shout, and say hurtful things. But I searched online and some people say it’s just liver fire, and that taking some Chinese medicine to regulate it will help. It’s not necessarily a psychological problem. So, so… so I’m not sure either.”

The doctor listened patiently as she finished speaking and said, "I can't tell if it's a psychological problem from just a few words. Take it slow. But I suggest you don't ask online. The other person doesn't know your actual situation, and their diagnosis may not be reliable. In particular, don't take any medications recommended online. You must consult a doctor in person first."

Yu Xue nodded, "Yes, I know."

Doctor: "When was the last time you felt something was wrong with your emotions? Can you remember?"

Yu Xue pursed her lips and remained silent for a long time. The doctor was not in a hurry and waited patiently.

Finally, Yu Xue changed the subject and unexpectedly said, "Doctor, I always feel like I'm dreaming."

Doctor: "...What?"

Before meeting Yu Xue, based on Wen Feng's description, he thought Yu Xue was a severe patient who could no longer distinguish between dreams and reality. She had no idea that she was dreaming and was unwilling to admit that she was dreaming.

However, judging from Yu Xue's current situation, she seems to know that she is dreaming?

Yu Xue clenched her knuckles and said, "I always feel that my life is full of all sorts of contradictions. I know that the world I live in now may be fake, or... not belong to me. For example... for example, my boyfriend."

The doctor didn't react for a moment, "Boyfriend? You mean Mr. Wen?"

She continued to rub her fingertips, feeling the pain between them. "Yes, even though we're married, I always feel like we're not that familiar. Four years ago, one day, I woke up to find myself lying in an unfamiliar room, in an unfamiliar building—both strange and familiar, like I'd seen it in a dream, yet I hadn't. I went out of the room and saw Wen Feng at the dining table. I was startled; my hands and feet went cold. A strange man had appeared in my house."

She said, “I saw Aunt Chen serving the dishes. When she saw that I was awake, she greeted me warmly with ‘Good morning.’ I don’t know what happened, but I still sat down. Wen Feng said a few words to me. I don’t know why, even though I didn’t know him, I knew his name and that he was my husband.”

She said, “I know this is a dream. In the real world, I shouldn’t know Wen Feng. I should be living with my parents. I should be… in graduate school? Yes, that’s right. I was planning to go to graduate school. My mom and I had already discussed it. But everything suddenly disappeared, and I came here… I don’t understand. I know clearly that everything in this world is fake. Although Wen Feng talks to me every day when he comes home, buys me gifts on holidays, and answers my calls, I still feel like this is all fake.”

She said, "I don't understand. I don't know how to wake up. Every day I hear some kind of half-alive, half-dead dream figures walking around downstairs. I feel like I'm being driven crazy. My mental illness probably started from that time..."

She leaned back in her chair, took a deep breath, felt it was impolite, and immediately sat up. "Later, I tried to adjust my emotions and imagine them as normal people like myself. Over time, I felt assimilated. Sometimes, I felt like I was taking my dreams as reality."

She looked at the marks on her fingers from being pinched and said, "But recently, I suddenly feel that my life is so real, especially with Wen Feng. He's becoming more and more like someone I know, like a real, living person. I...I don't know, Doctor, can a person live in two equally real worlds?"

The air in the room seemed to freeze. After listening, the doctor remained expressionless, looking just like a robot controlling dreams.

The doctor put down his crossed legs and said, "Why don't you think that the world you used to live in was fake? After all, that world is four years old for you, while this world that you can see and hear is closer to you."

Yu Xue: "Although that world happened four years ago, I truly lived there for more than ten years. I can feel that it was real. I have many childhood memories. If it were fake, it wouldn't be so fulfilling."

She lowered her head, looking at her knees. "Whether it's real or not doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that I often have nightmares. I dream that I wake up and Wen Feng is gone, everything is gone, and I'm all alone in a small house. Now it's all just a dream. I've had this nightmare so many times, and I always feel like it really happened..."

The doctor remained silent for a long time before asking, "Were you not happy in the other world?"

Yu Xue was stunned, not quite understanding what he meant. "No, I'm very happy. I have loving parents and many friends."

Doctor: "Then why did you dream that after waking up you were in a small house? Why didn't you go back to your original home and live with your parents? If you have a lover in another world, you will reunite with your lover and live happily ever after. Why are you so afraid?"

The doctor noticed her fidgety hands and hesitated whether to continue.

The doctor laughed and said, "Let's talk about something happy. Can you tell me something from your childhood?"

"Okay." Yu Xue seemed to be in a better mood. "Let me think about it..."

She propped her head up with her hand and leaned against the armrest of the chair. "Hmm... let me tell you something that's often written in my essays. Every day before my mom takes me to school, she checks the weather forecast and tells me what clothes to wear. If it's going to rain, she'll pack an umbrella for me and put a raincoat in the outermost layer of my schoolbag because once the umbrella she packed for me was stolen."

Yu Xue laughed as she spoke, “Weather forecasts can be inaccurate sometimes. I remember one time the forecast said it would be sunny, but it suddenly started raining heavily in the afternoon. My classmates were worried about how to get home. But before get out of class was over, I saw my mother appear outside the classroom window. She had bought bread, which I had always been curious about. My mother brought it to me that afternoon.”

The doctor smiled and agreed for a couple of minutes, then asked, "What about Yu Xue in this world? Did she have a similar experience? Haha, that's a bit of a tricky question. You're from another world, so you probably don't know?"

Yu Xue was stunned, forced to pull herself out of her memories.

She said, "I do know, her memories are in my mind... I think they exist, every student should have them, right? It's raining, there's no umbrella, and parents haven't brought one, so I just run back home. That's how it was in junior high. But I saw that Yu Xue from elementary school was quite popular, and some classmates had extra raincoats in their bags, so they lent them to her."

Doctor: "Was her umbrella stolen?"

Yu Xue: "...Yes."

Doctor: "And what about that piece of bread?"

Yu Xue: "Of course I didn't get to eat it."

Doctor: "What a coincidence, Yu Xue in this world also saw the same bread?"

Yu Xue: "Yes, bread should all be about the same."

Doctor: "What does it look like?"

Yu Xue: "The chocolate bread looks like it has a lot of chopped nuts and whipped cream inside."

Doctor: "What does it taste like?"

Yu Xue turned her head, trying hard to recall, "I don't remember. I don't usually go shopping, and I haven't seen it much since I moved away from that cake shop area. I remember it was very sweet, sickeningly sweet. Isn't that what all chocolate tastes like?"

The doctor laughed and said, "I don't remember. I've eaten similar bread before, but I remember it being bitter. Maybe I'm mistaken. I'll buy some next time and bring it over so we can try it together."

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Author's Note: Congratulations Yu Xue! Facing your health condition squarely is the first step in treatment. [hugs][hugs]