Chapter 14

His eyes were like a piece of melted caramel, but stickier than caramel, like layers of waves and ocean waves, fine and continuous, subtle yet sincere. You would hardly imagine that this was the look a man gave another man.

The lush vegetation provided excellent shelter. You held the umbrella in one hand, paused for a moment, and then reached out to put your arm around his shoulder.

He's hot and warm, and about your height.

You two secretly got together and secretly fell in love.

Quiet kisses and caresses in the dormitory bathroom, the repressed love is intense and restless, as muddy and obscure as desire itself, unseen by anyone, and thus grows wildly in the shadows.

From sophomore to senior year, you two were always together, claiming to be best friends, but you only told your two roommates.

He Songyou and Camel were shocked when they first found out, but later they got used to it and maintained good contact.

After you graduated, you started a business together, taking out a loan to set up an educational institution. That period was very tough because you were too young and had no connections. You had to start everything from scratch, building relationships, finding resources, bowing and scraping over every little thing, smiling and toasting, and even drinking until you ended up in the hospital was not a big deal.

Your senior is working on reports until late at night, while you're still on the phone contacting clients. The living room is filled with smoke and a strong smell of cigarettes.

The senior was so exhausted that he looked haggard because you kept talking and making him extremely irritable.

"Don't you have any other work? Could you call during the day, or from the balcony?"

You were in a bad mood because of the teacher's job change and the large number of students he took with him, but you don't like to lose your temper. After a pause, you crushed the cigarette in your hand and covered the receiver.

"Sorry, I'll go to the bedroom then."

After you finished your call, you picked up a book, turned on your reading light, and kept an eye on the living room. After a while, you came over in slippers and tug-of-war. He opened the door, wearing a suit jacket, and walked up behind you to hug you.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lost my temper."

You touch his hair, and he silently exchanges a kiss with you. The senior rests his head on your shoulder, tilts his head, and continues to look at the reports.

Before going to sleep, he hugged you and said, "Nanfei, I've realized how much I love you."

You smiled but didn't answer. He muttered to himself for a while, then immersed himself in his work again. Then, with great ambition, he told you that he must seize that resource and that no one could stop him from moving forward.

You have suffered, you have been exhausted, and you have experienced huge crises and fallen to the bottom.

But after you got back up, your business became more and more successful, branch after branch opened, you met a lot of people, and gradually you also came into contact with the so-called circle.

The environment you live in is still not open enough, especially educational institutions, which are very worried about the scandal that would occur if your homosexuality were exposed. So you and your senior have been together for eight years, but you have never made it public and have always been very careful.

You are getting busier and busier, often traveling to different places, and the time you spend apart is getting longer and longer.

When your senior calls you on video, you're either busy with work or it's very late at night, and you often fall asleep while chatting.

Compared to you, his work is mostly in the city, so he doesn't have to travel back and forth for business, which gives him a lot more free time.

He's afraid of being alone, so he makes a lot of friends and often goes out with them. He gets drunk, hides in the bathroom, and calls you, asking you to pick him up and take him home.

After finally finishing your work, you fell seriously ill. He took care of you with all his heart for more than half a year. He then ordered you to go home and rest. You finally had some free time and spent your days planting flowers and taking walks.

You're planning to clean up the attic of the villa.

This room is filled with clutter that you don't want to tidy up, but you're planning to get married abroad soon and want to clean it up temporarily.

You push open the door of the Geyu Xilou building, and a pungent smell of dust hits you. Because you haven't done this yourself for many years, you put on protective gear and start cleaning the room fully armed.

A long-lost collection of poems, a senior's basketball, lingerie gathering dust on the shelf, a broken birthday present—everything imaginable, items that occasionally disappear from this house, can seemingly be found here.

You spent a lot of effort to tidy up a corner, but it was really just moving things from left to right, which didn't make much of a difference.

You find a pair of men's underwear in an old coat belonging to a senior, but you're pretty sure it's neither his nor yours.

When you asked him at night, the senior's soup spoon clattered into the bowl: "What underwear? Did you go behind my back? Nanfei, you've gone too far."

He looked resentful and aggrieved. The man in the suit and tie resembled a large mushroom that had been wronged, muttering to himself in a gloomy mood. You didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but you didn't pay much attention to it. You just took it as an accident and casually put it out of your mind.

I vaguely remembered this incident, and when I called Qiu Li, I joked, "He might have cheated on me."

On the other end of Qiu Li's phone, the baby was crying his heart out. He was on speakerphone, frantically trying to hold the baby while his wife yelled at him about whether he even knew how to hold a child. In between all this, he still had to find time to answer your questions.

"No way, he loves you to death, how could he cheat... What, a wet wipe? Ah, you brat, don't pull it! Honey, honey, save me... Hey... Fei, are you still there? Don't overthink it... Okay, okay, I'll hang up now, I'll come see you in a few days..."

After you hung up the phone, you thought about your own circumstances and compared them with those of others who had come before. You realized it was impossible, so you completely forgot about the whole thing.

But the truth came quickly: you discovered that your senior was secretly taking a certain medicine behind your back. He wasn't a particularly meticulous person, but he was especially cautious about taking medicine.

You happen to see the medicine bottle he quickly put away, and based on a few vaguely visible words, you go online to search for it.

You sat alone in front of the computer for a long time.

When he came back, you looked up at him and asked, "Why are you taking HIV PEP medication?"

The senior student was changing into slippers in the entryway when his relaxed expression froze, and he suddenly looked up at you.

Your mind is no longer blank; after an afternoon of calm, you can say that word calmly.

The senior's expression became stiff. He seemed to be trying hard to make a suitable expression, but this matter was too unexpected, and his mind was facing such a major crisis that he simply went on strike.

He belatedly feigned surprise, then quickly realized what was happening and tried to stall for time: "What?"

You turn off the TV and put down the remote: "I understand."

The senior student stood silently in place, finally managing a smile that looked like he was about to cry: "Nanfei, I'm sorry."

...

Have you ever thought that it was because the pretense was too difficult for him that he went into those so-called circles and eventually became one of their decadent members?

Your breakup was peaceful. The senior cried and begged, but you were unmoved. He became furious and said with red eyes, "We are not the majority. We are abnormal. We cannot get married. Those worldly views cannot bind us. People like you and me are not accepted by the world."

"Nanfei, do you know how much pressure I feel when I'm with you? You're the kind of person who never makes a mistake, so you don't let anyone else make a mistake either... I've thought about it, I've struggled with it, but I can't control myself."

"Nanfei, please, don't go. I'll change, I really will."

"I love you, I really only love you, please, please don't go."

“I didn’t mean to hide it from you. I haven’t been diagnosed. I’m just very worried. I’m afraid you’ll get hurt, so I haven’t dared to go home during this time. Nanfei, I’ve only had that one time, really only once. You have to believe me.”

You stand on the balcony, lock him inside, and let him smash things and cry his heart out.

After a long while, when there was no sound from inside the house, you opened the door and said, "I'm leaving."

You didn't ask for anything, just took your phone and went out. Your senior said behind you, "Nanfei, we have eight years. Eight years is such a long time. Are you really willing to give it up? How many eight years do we have? You won't love someone so wholeheartedly again. You want a family, don't you? You're so afraid of being alone... You... Let's go abroad and get married now, and go public with everyone, okay? Please give me another chance."

"Give me a chance."

You turn around, look at him, and say softly, "So you know I love you, and you still cheated on me, didn't you?"

"Senior, tell me, what kind of logic is that?"

You handled the whole thing calmly, and perhaps you should be grateful that life's trials have allowed you to end a relationship with dignity.

On New Year's Eve, because the atmosphere of family reunion was everywhere, you couldn't sleep alone, so you went out for a walk and slowly walked with the crowd to the banks of the Egret River.

As dusk approached, ferries returned to the port one after another, their horns blaring. The neon lights on both banks gradually illuminated, reflecting a kaleidoscope of colors onto the river.

You stare blankly at the river, gazing at the lights on the opposite bank, the river breeze ruffling your hair.

"Ho—"

You suddenly let out a sob, your face a mixture of crying and laughing, and slowly squatted down.

You know, it's strange. On the riverbank where people come and go, a man in a suit and tie suddenly squats down and bursts into tears. The sound comes out of his throat, hoarse like a wild beast. The sound of his crying makes you immediately understand that this man must be unable to bear it any longer and must have something come out of his throat, otherwise he will die immediately.

Some people stopped, while others walked past with indifferent expressions.

You're hunched over, not looking at anyone, like a child who's been searching for a long time but is still adrift and can't find their way home, or like a working person who's suddenly broken down in the concrete jungle because of the pressure of life.

You couldn't bear it for even a moment longer. The bottle in your heart shattered, your head was filled with stored emotions, and you cried until tears streamed down your cheeks and gathered at your jawline. Your whole face was wet with tears, dripping down.

Someone squats down to talk to you, someone opens their bag and hands you tissues and water.

You remember saying, "Thank you."