Chapter 37: Swiss Knife “You are wrong to run into a scumbag like me.

After waking up, Zhui Lian didn't cry, make a fuss, laugh, or speak.

She is very quiet.

Too quiet.

The eyes were open, but they were blank, as if covered by fog.

The fog was empty, and she was empty too. She just stared at a point silently and lifelessly, staring intently.

Sometimes it was the ceiling above her head, sometimes it was the empty floor tiles, and sometimes it was just a meaningless chaos in the void... Occasionally, she would look at Pei Zhiyu, but when her pupils slowly turned, the look in her eyes was no different from when she was looking at a speck of dust, a leaf, or a roadside stone.

There was no hatred, no resentment, not even disgust, just a complete, suffocating nothingness.

Pei Zhiyu's heart was instantly penetrated by this look.

He would rather she jumped up and hit him, cursed him with the harshest words, stared at him with poisonous eyes... Any kind of intense emotion would be better than this... This complete disregard, this absolute blankness that completely excluded him from her world.

He would rather their relationship was a raging fire, fueled by pain.

Scorching, scalding, and hurtful to the touch.

Nor should it be stagnant water like it is now, where he alone drowned in the boundless silence.

"Lian Lian..."

Pei Zhiyu's voice was hoarse. He held her cold hand almost pleadingly and pressed it against his face. "You can scold me, okay? You can hit me! Slap me! Anything is fine! Please, don't do this..."

Zhui Lian slowly fluttered her eyelashes and her eyes fell on his face.

The man's skin was pale and lifeless, his black hair was messy and draped over his forehead. The torment he had endured for nearly a week had left him with dark circles under his eyes, and he looked completely drained of his energy.

But her gaze passed through that face and fell on a place farther and more empty.

As if he was just a ball of air.

Indifference, this complete indifference, made Pei Zhiyu even more frightened and painful.

He became flustered and clumsy, trying to attract her attention with all kinds of external things.

"Lianlian, look, I had someone plant a new garden of daisies. Can I take you down to see them?" He carried her to the window and pointed to the vibrant pure white below. The petals of the daisies stretched out in the sunshine, forming a quiet sea. When the breeze blew, soft ripples appeared, and the flowers bloomed innocently and fearlessly.

"You can contact whoever you want, I will never interfere..." He piled all the communication tools in front of her, including her original mobile phone, tablet, and even the spare phone Xiao Xu gave her, and looked at her with hope in his eyes.

He was offering her a treasure, just asking her to take a glance.

But Zhui Lian was still tired and had no interest in even raising her hand to pick up these communication tools. She just stared into the void.

"Or where do you want to go? What do you want to do? I'll take you there right away! Just say one word to me, okay? Just one word will do..."

A huge world map unfolded, and he pointed to various places on it: Switzerland, the Netherlands, Denmark, New Zealand, St. Petersburg... He asked her where she wanted to go, or they could travel around the world, and they would go to the place where she wanted to draw the comics.

No response.

Zhui Lian just followed him passively, letting him hold her, hug her, and lead her around, like a puppet without a spring.

She didn't care about anything anymore.

All his efforts were in vain. Pei Zhiyu had never felt so deeply like a madman.

A madman who shouts into the empty valley, endless shouts, without a trace of echo, but still continues to shout.

This feeling of powerlessness almost drove him crazy.

"Zhui Lian! Zhui Lian! Look at me! Do you hear me? Look at me!"

Even when Pei Zhiyu almost collapsed because of Zhui Lian's lack of response, and his eyes turned red as he grabbed her shoulders and growled, she still just blinked slowly.

"Say something to me... say something..."

Pei Zhiyu took a deep breath and spoke with a trembling voice, "If you say something to me, I will... I will return Qiao Xunli's pendant to you."

The three words "Qiao Xunli" are like a magic switch.

At this time, Zhui Liancai seemed to come back to his senses.

She raised her eyes and looked at him, her gaze filled with a calmness that was almost cruel.

"Where's the chain?" she suddenly asked softly, her voice unusually dry. "Where's the silver chain?"

She was talking about that day in the mirror room full of props, in the black velvet box... the silver chain in the black velvet.

Pei Zhiyu was stunned.

Zhui Lian continued calmly, as if discussing the weather: "You can lock me up with it, lock me in the bed, or anywhere else."

"This way..." She paused, as if thinking, "Will this make you feel happier?"

Pei Zhiyu was struck by lightning and his face turned pale instantly.

She even started talking to herself, her eyes wandering: "Do you want to do it?"

She raised her hand and began to slowly and mechanically unbutton the front of her nightgown, one by one, revealing the pale yet smooth skin underneath.

"If you want to do it, it doesn't have to be so troublesome. No need to look at the flowers, no need to give the phone... Come on."

When she was about to unbutton the last button of her nightgown, she tilted her head and asked again, "Will you feel at ease after this?"

when.

Bang.

Zheng.

The string that was stretched to the extreme finally broke.

Revealing the sadness beneath rationality.

"No..."

He suddenly pressed down Zhui Lian's hand that was unbuttoning her clothes and pushed her down on the bed in the bedroom to stop her from moving any further. He said in a panic, "Lian Lian, that's not what I meant..."

"Are we going to start?" Zhui Lian looked at him quietly, her long chestnut curly hair spread out beneath her. "What position?"

The air was filled with the rich fragrance of flowers. These past few days, Pei Zhiyu had been helping her wash her hair and body.

She didn't know what brand of shampoo and shower gel the other party had chosen, but the smell was very fragrant and rich, invading her scent everywhere and pervasively.

But she didn't like it.

Just like Pei Zhiyu.

Pei Zhiyu lay on top of Zhui Lian's body, a look of astonishment on his face.

A kind of bewilderment that is utterly dazed.

How could this happen... He would rather she hated him a thousand times, would rather she stabbed him a thousand times, but he couldn't bear her self-destructive numbness...

This punished him more deeply than any hatred could have.

"ah--!"

A roar of extreme pain came out of his throat. He seemed unable to bear the scene in front of him any longer and suddenly rolled off the bed.

He couldn't stand it anymore, he really couldn't stand it anymore -

Even if this scene was caused by him alone.

He looked around and began to search in the bedroom, but it was obvious that the huge bedroom did not have what he wanted. He began to walk downstairs quickly, so fast that he almost flew.

Zhui Lian followed him, slowly following behind him.

She followed him downstairs and watched him rush into the long-sealed basement. She followed him down closely.

A dim old light bulb hung in the middle, powerlessly dispelling the dim light in the basement, but it could not dispel the stale smell of dust and mildew in the air.

Dust was raised by Pei Zhiyu's violent movement of pushing the door, and it was flying wildly.

There were discarded junk piled in the corner, and the shadows were long. The whole space was so oppressive that it made people breathless, but his eyes were scanning more frantically than when he was in the bedroom.

It passed by the heavy wooden racks and abandoned boxes and cages, and finally stopped at a toolbox.

The toolbox was rusty and half open. He rushed over and rummaged around inside with trembling hands.

There was a sharp clang.

Finally, his movements stopped.

An old Swiss Army knife was pulled out.

Even though it was covered in dust, the cold light of the saber was still permeable, and there was even a dark brown mark on the handle.

——It’s this knife.

Pei Qianhuang once held it against his eyelids when he was young, and slowly asked him if he was afraid, and whether the woman would have any reaction because of it.

The bright knife light reflected into the pupil and flowed back, and all the cold memories flowed back with the knife light.

It felt like snow was falling in the blood, in all the blood in my body.

It was a very cold snow.

But at this moment, a stronger, self-destructive urge overwhelmed everything.

Pei Zhiyu tightly grasped the knife, turned around and staggered to Zhui Lian who had been standing quietly at the door of the basement.

His scarlet eyes stared at Zhui Lian, and he handed the saber that exuded an ominous aura to Zhui Lian.

"Come, stab me, just like you did back in England." He stabbed his heart frantically with his other hand, his voice hoarse, "Lianlian, kill me, kill me, then you will be free, and I will be free too!"

He tried to put the knife into Zhui Lian's cold hand eagerly, almost pleadingly.

But Zhui Lian just looked at him blankly.

Looking at the murder weapon handed to him.

Look into his eyes that are bloodshot from extreme pain.

I saw his hands shaking as he held the saber.

Her eyes were still eerily calm.

There was no fear, no anger, not even a trace of emotion. It was like watching a boring performance that had nothing to do with me.

She didn't answer, nor did she hide, she just looked at him.

Not even an eyebrow moved.

This absolute indifference made Pei Zhiyu more desperate than any rejection.

"Hold it! Hold it! Please... hold it..." His voice gradually changed from a roar to a whine, full of helplessness and collapse.

Was she unwilling to even seek revenge on him? Was she unwilling to even end her own suffering? Didn't even the thought of killing him stir the least emotion in her?

She just looked at him calmly.

She looked at him like an outsider, with nothing in her eyes, so empty that it seemed as if it could hold everything, swallow everything, but it couldn't accommodate him.

“Heh… heh…”

Pei Zhiyu suddenly laughed softly, his laughter full of mockery, "You don't want to... you don't want to... then I'll do it myself... I'll do it myself..."

Something went out very quickly, it was bright.

Something else surfaced, thick, insoluble, dark...the desire for self-destruction.

Pei Zhiyu suddenly retracted his hand, tightly gripped the Swiss Army knife, and the sharp blade instantly turned towards himself!

Without any hesitation, he slashed at his arm fiercely!

That wasn't just a playful stroke, but a powerful one filled with hatred—

Blood gushed out instantly, flowing down his pale arm and dripping onto the rough ground of the basement, forming large pools of blood.

"Lianlian, look... look..."

The blood turned into a glaring red and spread out.

He paddled furiously, looking up at Zhui Lian intently, crying and laughing like a madman, "Do you want it harder? Will that make you feel better?"

Zhui Lian didn't say anything.

She just continued to stand there, watching his almost insane performance, and then blinked slowly, slowly.

"A pendant," she said.

"What?"

The sharp sound of the knife piercing flesh drowned out Zhui Lian's soft whispers. Pei Zhiyu thought she had something to say to him, so he looked up suddenly, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "Lian Lian, what did you say?"

A voice so calm it was almost cruel rang out: "Pendant, I'm talking about pendant."

"Xunli's pendant." As if she was afraid that he didn't understand, she added, "Qiao Xunli's pendant, remember to return it to me."

The air was silent for a long, long time.

It turned out that she didn't want to talk to him... She was just still thinking about that person... Still thinking about that person... So she gave him a little bit of her remaining light, just to get back the relic that belonged to that person.

"Okay... okay..." Pei Zhiyu staggered back, but the knife in his hand never stopped for a moment.

One knife, two knives, three knives...

He seemed to feel no pain, and just continued to repeat the self-harming movements mechanically and madly.

The collapse of not getting a response, the despair of love and hate, the sadness of never being able to understand the other person's mind... He punished himself in such an extreme way, and humbly begged Zhui Lian for a little response.

The blood dyed Pei Zhiyu's arms and clothes red, and even splashed on his face, forming an extremely striking contrast with his pale skin and black hair.

"Can you..." Zhui Lian, who had been standing quietly at the door, hesitated, as if wondering whether to open the mouth.

"What can I do?"

Even though he had just suffered a heavy blow, upon hearing Zhui Lian's voice, he couldn't help but turn around and look at her hopefully, "Tell me, tell me."

"Can you... wear a mask?"

Zhui Lian's voice was soft and gentle, but it sounded cruel to Pei Zhiyu, crueler than anything he had ever heard in his life. "Don't hurt yourself with Xunli's face, okay? I think..."

Her voice became softer, but it was the final word—

“It’s a bit disgusting.”

"Haha...haha...hahahahahahahaha!" A crazy laugh suddenly burst out from Pei Zhiyu's mouth. His shoulders shook with laughter, and his whole body trembled, swaying forward and backward, as if he couldn't stop.

"Disgusting... Hahaha... Disgusting!" He raised his eyes, his scarlet eyes fixed on Zhui Lian. There was an indescribable sadness in his voice, and his voice was so soft that it seemed like it could be dissipated by the wind in the basement at any time. "Zhui Lian, why didn't you say you were disgusted during those three years when you used me as a substitute?"

"I'm sorry." Zhui Lian replied bluntly, "You can kill me."

When she said this, her eyes were still empty.

The light that lit up when Qiao Xunli was mentioned quickly disappeared like a drop of water in the ocean, returning to calm.

Pei Zhiyu stopped talking.

The only answer she got was the horrifying sound of a sharp blade cutting through flesh, and the suppressed gasps of pain from the man in front of her, whose face looked 70% similar to Qiao Xunli.

In the dark basement, under the cold white light, the wrist bones holding the knife were strong and thin, and blue blood veins were winding on the skin.

He was depressed and in a mess, but in this extreme madness and pain, he showed a weird and tragic beauty.

It could even vaguely overlap with the beautiful eyebrows he had in his youth, revealing that damp, cold, and weird temperament.

Zhui Lian just stood there quietly, calmly watching a tragedy that he had directed and acted in himself.

Silence is sometimes the cruelest weapon.

Finally, an extremely faint ripple appeared in her eyes. It was a kind of... deep compassion, as if she was looking at a hopeless stray dog.

"Pei Zhiyu, I've always wanted to ask you—"

She spoke, her voice as light as a feather, but it hit Pei Zhiyu's heart hard, "What did I do wrong?"

The movement of swinging the knife suddenly stopped.

Pei Zhiyu suddenly looked up, and through his vision blurred by blood and tears, he looked at the thin figure at the door that seemed like it would disappear at any moment.

Her eyes remained calm, but held a sense of ultimate confusion.

These words are more powerful than any accusation.

After stripping away all the twisted love and hate, the paranoid possession and crazy revenge, Zhui Lian really, really wanted to ask him, what did she do wrong?

All those years, all these years, he would never let her go.

This happened again and again, shattering her hard-earned peaceful life and stable happiness.

"Do you hate me for killing you in England?" she said, "Then stab me now, so that—"

"We can be even now, right?" She said this in a serious tone, as if she was really considering the feasibility of this matter. "Although I don't know how you survived after I stabbed you, it doesn't matter now. Just stab me."

"Anyway," her tone became increasingly cheerful, "it doesn't matter to me whether I live or die."

The person I hate didn’t die, and the person I love has no chance of dying.

Forget it, forget it all.

Let her go and accompany Qiao Xunli.

Let her go to the underworld... No... No, Xunli is such a good person, he will only go to heaven. When she is lucky enough to go to heaven, let her ask him what happened in the car accident?

Some expectations, she will realize them for him in the next life, okay?

Pei Zhiyu seemed to have lost all his strength. This time, he staggered more than ever before. Finally, he could no longer hold on and knelt dejectedly on the cold, blood-stained ground.

He closed his eyes, and with extreme self-mockery, he used all his strength to force out a smile that was uglier than crying.

"No..." The trembling voice was filled with endless fatigue and despair, "You did nothing wrong."

His bloody arms hung limply at his sides.

He took a deep breath:

"If there's anything wrong... it's my fault. It's my fault for having to run into a scumbag like me."

*

The night deepens and a new cycle passes.

Pei Zhiyu sat alone on the empty terrace on the sixth floor of the villa. The biting cold wind blew his black hair, and occasionally a few strands stuck to his pale cheeks.

The gauze wrapped around his arm was still oozing blood. He had been sitting there all night.

As dawn approached, the distant skyline began to glow slightly.

Let her go?

This thought appeared in his mind so clearly and strongly for the first time, accompanied by a heart-wrenching pain and unwillingness.

He couldn't imagine life without her. What was the difference between that and returning to darkness?

Not letting go?

But if he continued to keep her by his side, all he would get was a gradually withering body, or maybe even... a cold corpse.

He was afraid that one day he would wake up and face... face...

When Pei Zhiwei left that day, her words echoed meaningfully again: "Are you going to build a new sixth floor? Mother... is dead."

Like a curse.

He hated Pei Qianhuang the most, but he unconsciously became Pei Qianhuang.

He remembered Zhui Lian's dependence on Qiao Xunli when she was unconscious, the fear she felt when she sent him to hell in her nightmare, and even more so the lifeless look in her eyes after she woke up, and that sentence -

"Pei Zhiyu, what did I do wrong?"

To release or not to release?

It was a choice that nearly tore him apart.

On one side is the only light he holds onto in his twisted life, even if this light hates him to the core; on the other side is a future in which that light itself may be completely extinguished.

He sat there, pressing his brows, the inner struggle between his conscience and his desires almost swallowing him up.

The sky gradually brightened, illuminating Pei Zhiyu's eyebrows, eyes, and lips, as well as the bottles of absinthe piled beside him, but it could not shine into his increasingly chaotic heart.

It’s almost dawn.

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The author has something to say: I am so tired from writing! [Rainbow fart]

Zhui Lian: Have you had enough of the trouble?