Chapter 29 Between the smallest of margins, it was his hesitation…

***

Years of hidden feelings are exposed to the sunlight. They bear the marks of time, seemingly ready to crumble at the slightest touch. In fact, those years themselves have already vanished.

People can live a long life, but the feeling of youth is short-lived. That kind of wholehearted devotion, that kind of pure longing, that unwavering love for someone—there is only one heart. Once wasted, exhausted, it is hard to recover.

Eighteen years old, such a tender age. Looking back, they seem like just clueless kids. But these things, old items from that era, prove that it was their most precious time.

Li Jiacong's smile was forced. He had finally found leverage over Li Sheng's continued love for him, yet it felt like reopening old wounds. He could now force Li Sheng to admit he hadn't let go. He could shamelessly stay by his side, claiming his rejections were all insincere, but Li Sheng turned to look at him. His eyes held a resolute determination; Li Sheng simply refused to turn back. Why?

Li Jiacong grabbed Li Sheng's shoulders, pulled him towards himself, and hugged him tightly.

Li Sheng still refused, pushing him away. Li Jiacong said urgently, "Why are you refusing me? Why are these things still here?"

Li Sheng couldn't find an excuse: "I forgot to throw it away."

Do you believe what you say?

"We have no ending."

Are you trying to persuade me or yourself?

Li Sheng looked him straight in the eye: "Persuade us."

Li Jiacong said, "But I never wanted an ending."

Li Sheng said, "You said that it's wrong for us to be together."

Wrong things must be corrected.

Li Jiacong now wanted to go back and slap that bastard version of himself. He said, "There's nothing wrong with that." He fell into some kind of memory and muttered, "Why should we accept the world's judgment of us? I don't want to accept it, I don't want to."

Li Sheng looked up and smiled at him: "Because we live in this world."

"If being alive means being corrected, then I'll go to hell."

Li Sheng noticed Li Jiacong's unusual behavior: "What's wrong with you?"

Li Jiacong: "I've been corrected, Li Sheng. I've tried, spent over 100,000 yuan, but I still can't be cured. My mother only gave up when she saw that I was about to die."

Through repeated torment, I corrected his orientation and forced myself to stop thinking about Li Sheng.

—Don't think about Li Sheng anymore.

Electric shocks, surgery, needle pricks all over the body, exorcisms, and repentance before idols.

Li Jiacong said, "Do you know what? I really went to hell."

Li Jiacong unbuttoned his clothes, revealing his chest and abdomen covered in cross-shaped scars.

Li Sheng was stunned: "How did you do that?"

Li Jiacong said, "Li Sheng, those are all lies, and we can't be corrected."

Li Sheng felt breathless, his fingers trembling. He uncontrollably touched the scars, which had faded to white, some deep and some shallow.

Li Jiacong grabbed his hand: "Can we be like before?"

Li Sheng asked, "What?"

Li Jiacong suddenly kissed him, a kiss filled with deep sorrow, tears in his eyes, and said, "Can we keep this kind of relationship?"

Is it okay to maintain this kind of relationship?

Li Sheng knew the origin of those words and the invitation that had been extended to him. In order to keep Li Jiacong, he gave up asking for love from him. To suit Li Jiacong's temperament, he only asked for and gave his body, burying their relationship in a dirty place that could not be seen by others.

The taboo secrets they kept from each other made him and Li Jiacong the closest of people. Looking back now, that relationship, besides being "infatuated," should also be called "the only one," their only one, their only secret.

Now that the roles have reversed, he heard Li Jiacong solemnly say, "If we would die if we saw the light, I am willing to hide underground with you forever."

At this moment, Li Sheng finally saw Li Jiazong's heart. He took his burning heart out of his chest and placed it in Li Jiazong's hand. Li Jiazong also abandoned his pride and begged for his nod. Finally, he got Li Jiazong's heart. With a gentle squeeze, he could break Li Jiazong's heart.

But he didn't feel incredibly happy.

He didn't want to break the heart of the person in front of him. During their time apart, he even imagined what it would be like for Li Jiacong to live a perfect life. He would sincerely wish him well, after all, he truly loved him. But Li Jiacong's open heart was full of scars.

How did we end up back where we started?

Wrong, completely wrong.

As the sun shifted, the room dimmed rapidly. Li Sheng wiped away Li Jiacong's tears and gave her an extremely slow kiss.

—That's it, let's keep our relationship private.

—That's it. We outside call each other brothers, but we're shameless.

Let's just go with the flow and live our lives in error.

…

A corner of the thin curtains was lifted by a gentle breeze, and a tranquil and contented atmosphere slowly flowed into the room.

A flurry of figures, their clothes falling away.

Li Jiacong saw a significant gap between himself and Li Sheng. Physically, Li Sheng had sunburn marks on his body, distinct black and white lines on his arms, and his demanding job had resulted in less-than-attractive muscles on his shoulders and back.

Li Sheng: "Have you thought it through?"

Li Jiacong: "Hmm? Hmm!"

As soon as he finished speaking, Li Sheng tackled him to the ground, his back slamming against the hard bed. Only then did Li Jiacong understand what Li Sheng meant by "thinking it through."

As the sunset streamed into the room, Li Sheng sat up against the headboard and glanced down at Li Jiazong's sleeping profile beside him, who was surprisingly well-behaved.

Li Sheng reached out and hovered his index finger above Li Sheng's cheek, but never actually touched it.

The difference was just a hair's breadth, the distance of his hesitation.

***2002

The snow had been falling for days, turning the whole world white. Li Sheng was changing clothes in his dorm room, borrowing Liu Quan's hair mousse to style his hair. Liu Quan teased him, saying he looked like he was going on a date. Li Sheng smiled without saying a word.

"I heard you offended Brother Feng over there?" Liu Quan asked jokingly. "What happened?"

Li Sheng: "It's nothing."

After he stopped Zhao Cheng from contacting him, Zhao Cheng was in an awkward position and probably wouldn't bother him again. Li Jiacong went to school as usual these past few days, without any unusual behavior.

"Be careful. Brother Feng is notorious in this area. Many of his underlings have gone to jail for taking the blame for him. If he sets his sights on you, you're finished. Wang Dapeng hasn't been bothering you these past few days because of this. He's waiting to see what happens."

Li Sheng hummed in agreement and turned to look out the window: "The snow has melted."

“It’s melted,” Liu Quan glanced over, “Hey, did you hear what I said?”

Li Sheng smiled, slung his bag over his shoulder, and said to Liu Quan, "I'm leaving now."

He boarded the bus and arrived at the entrance of Lijia Cong School. Today was his birthday.

His birthday used to be just an ordinary day, but it was associated with some kind of taboo, and neither he nor his grandfather had ever mentioned it. No one would remember such a thing, or rather, in their rural area, apart from the elderly who would organize it, it was rare to specially celebrate someone's birthday, but Li Jiacong said he would celebrate it for him.

The school gates opened soon after, and students began to walk out one after another. Not long after, Li Sheng met Li Jiacong.

Li Jiacong laughed when he saw him: "You even dressed up, you look quite handsome."

Li Sheng was wearing a long black cotton coat, with a white scarf covering part of his chin, which made his lips look very beautiful. His hair was shiny, making him stand out in the crowd. He was strikingly handsome.

"Let's eat first," Li Jiacong suggested.

The two of them went to a small restaurant, ordered a couple of dishes, and quickly finished eating before heading to their next destination. Earlier, Li Jiacong had asked him what he wanted for his birthday, and Li Sheng hadn't asked for anything. It wasn't out of politeness; he genuinely felt he needed nothing. He simply said that being able to go out and have fun with Li Jiacong was enough. Go out and have fun. Purely for fun.

Li Jiacong's senior year of high school was very busy, and they spent all their free time each week in hotels. According to Li Jiacong's school dismissal time, there was nothing they could do to play—everything was closed.

Li Sheng followed him: "Shall we go see a movie?"

Li Jiacong shook his head: "There aren't any good movies. Let's go to the North District; there's an amusement park there."

Li Sheng: "We probably won't make it in time."

Li Jiacong raised an eyebrow and patted his chest: "I know the gatekeeper well."

The amusement park is located near the mine and is only open for a period of time each winter. The location is too remote, so most of the visitors are employees and their families; it's considered an employee benefit.

It was already dark, and the park was lit by bright red lanterns. After exchanging greetings with the gatekeeper, Li Jiacong walked in confidently, grabbed an ice ring at the entrance, and led Li Sheng into the park.

They climbed up an ice slide and slid down together on ice tubes. The night wind was biting cold, and after a few laps, Li Jiacong's hands and feet were frozen, and his eyes were watering: "Damn, the wind blew my tears out. Am I supposed to be someone who just has watery eyes in the wind?"

"You're cold." Li Sheng wiped his face with his hand, then untied his scarf and wrapped it around Li Jiacong's neck again.

Li Jiacong: "Hey, skating like this is dangerous. You could easily strangle someone if you're not careful."

“Then let’s not go ice skating,” Li Sheng said, pointing to the metal carousel not far away. “Let’s ride that instead.”

This is a rudimentary playground, with many of the facilities old and rusty, including the spinning rides. They creak and groan as they ride on the ice.

Li Jiacong rode in front, with Li Sheng holding him on the back, and the speed increased. Li Jiacong spun around even without pedaling, yelling, "Damn, this is fucking dizzying!"

As soon as he finished speaking, there was nothing behind him. When he turned around, the scarf was hanging around his neck. Li Sheng had been thrown two meters away and was lying in the snow.

"Damn! Are you alright?!" Li Jiacong slammed on the brakes.

Li Sheng sat in the field and chuckled: "If you put in a little more effort, you could swing me into the sky."

Li Jiacong got out of the car, his feet were wobbly, and he ran over to pull Li Sheng: "Your sense of balance is terrible."

“You didn’t come here in a straight line either.” Li Sheng stretched out his arm and grabbed the hand that Li Jiacong offered. He tried to get up, but instead of getting up, he pulled Li Jiacong down.

Li Jiacong suddenly plopped down on him, making Li Sheng laugh even harder. Li Jiacong cursed, "Ptooey! I fucking ate snow!"

“The snow is clean,” Li Sheng said, patting his back.

"Clean my ass, you wouldn't even know if cats or dogs have peed on you." Li Jiacong rolled off him, about to get up, but suddenly paused, then slowly lay back down.

The sky was beautiful. The night sky, tinged with purple, neither too deep nor too thick, and adorned with dazzling colors, was like an alluring entrance to a dreamlike realm. Looking down, one could see a vast, silent, and rugged mine in the distance.

“It’s too short,” Li Jiacong said.

You mean mountains?

“Hmm, I haven’t been here in a long time. It’s much shorter than I remember, and there’s a huge dent in it.” Li Jiacong held up a finger to indicate this. Suddenly, he sighed and said, “It seems this place is really doomed.”

The entire mine is decaying. Rows of gray, unnamed buildings lie scattered across the mountain, draining its resources. From bustling activity to desolate emptiness, although the mountain's rocks are not yet depleted, no one needs them anymore.

Li Jiacong: "You know the group of people who threw paint at my house, right?"

"Um."

"One group consists of people from the surrounding villages, like Zhao Cheng, and the other group consists of children of coal miners like me. The leader is called Feng Hui. His father was actually among the first batch of laid-off workers. Recently, the last batch of layoffs came out, and it's hard to say whether the coal mine can stay. The market is shrinking. Feng Hui works in debt collection. They came to target my father, thinking that would have a result. They gathered a bunch of scoundrels and used underhanded methods."

"Is everything alright in your family?"

"What could possibly be wrong?" Li Jiacong said dismissively. "By the way, I don't live in the residential area anymore; I've moved."

Li Sheng looked at him.

"Shenglong Haoting".

Li Sheng nodded. He knew about Shenglong Mansion, a well-known upscale residential area. The Li family was fully capable of getting away from those thugs and going to a place that they had no power or status to enter.

“I’ve wanted to move for a long time. If it weren’t for Feng Hui, my dad would definitely have kept putting it off,” Li Jiacong said, raising an eyebrow. “My dad even gave me some pocket money.”

Li Sheng hummed in agreement again.

Li Jiacong turned to look at him: "You even approved that I can go home a little later today."

Li Sheng was taken aback for a moment, then quickly smiled, understanding what Li Jiacong meant: "Shall we go?"

"Whatever you want." Li Jiacong sat up and handed the scarf back to Li Sheng.

"Let's go," Li Sheng said. "If we don't go, you'll be anxious to death."

Li Jiacong glared at him.

The room was prepared by Li Jiacong in advance, located near his new home. Li Jiacong had also prepared a cake, but he forgot about it. The first thing the two of them did upon entering the house was to take off their clothes. Halfway through, they realized that Li Jiacong said, "Wait a minute! There's still some important business to take care of!"

"Huh?" Li Sheng was halfway through kissing Li Jiacong when the person slipped away from his arms. He was a little confused and was standing there considering whether to put his clothes back on when Li Jiacong came out of the kitchen carrying a cake.

A candle was lit there, its glow shining on Li Jiacong's face. He said, "Come on, Li Sheng, make a wish."

Li Sheng walked over and helped him steady the handle: "What's the promise?"

"Why are you asking me what I should promise? You can promise whatever you want."

"I've never made a birthday wish."

Li Jiacong hesitated for a moment: "Then..."

Do you have a wish? Lend me one.

Li Jiacong chuckled: "You can borrow wishes?"

Li Sheng looked at him expectantly with her doe-like eyes.

Li Jiacong thought for a moment and said, "Then, may you grow taller and more handsome in the new year."

Li Sheng paused for a moment, then said with a hint of disdain, "It's not very substantial, and it sounds like you're not very cultured..."

Li Jiacong: "...Then you decide for yourself..."

Li Jiacong clasped his hands together and said, "I wish you a successful college entrance exam and a bright future in the new year."

“No, wait,” Li Jiacong paused, “It’s not for me, it’s for you…”

Before he could finish speaking, Li Sheng blew out the candles on the cake. Li Jiacong smiled helplessly, dipped his finger in the cake, and smeared it on Li Sheng's face.

Li Sheng stopped him: "Don't waste it like that..."

"Who said it would be a waste?"

A note from the author:

----------------------