Chapter 34

Chen Huan's shoulders remained motionless. Her breathing remained at its previous rhythm, though a little breathless. She knew what Meng Zixuan was talking about. Before he met her, he had already undergone four years of rigorous military training and had been deployed to the Middle East and West Africa. Even when he went to Oso for disaster relief when they first got married, things between them were not like that. His mood swings began after he returned from his second deployment. She had a question in her mind, but she never asked him.

"It was originally a four-month mission, but it was temporarily extended by four weeks." Meng Zixian said, "You must be angry. Later, when I called you, you either didn't answer or couldn't speak for more than two minutes. You rarely asked about what I was doing; you weren't interested. That time, we carried sixty pounds of backpacks to find the way, and it took us two and a half days. Every morning, we slept for two hours in the swamp, leaning against the backpacks."

Shen Huan asks why they have to sleep in the swamp.

"Because it's the safest place." Meng Zixian replied: "Mule doesn't go there."

Shen Huan asked what mule was, was it the donkey from the local tribe.

Meng Zixuan said he was a drug smuggler. "I'm saying this to tell you, it's not easy to call you." He continued, "I really want to hear your voice. The six-day operation was mostly silent. I've forgotten my own voice, but I've always remembered yours. I'll find a chance to call you and ask if you've had an X-ray."

Chen Huan said she remembered that she sprained her ankle while running.

"You said your right foot was injured and you couldn't drive. I asked if Connery hadn't agreed to give you a ride. You said you didn't want him to. 'He scares me,' that's exactly what you said. I asked you why, but you wouldn't say. Then the call ended. I walked in the swamp for two more days, saying 'He scares me.' Collins missed his step and fell into a pit. Schumer and I went down and grabbed his legs to pull him out, while Tedesco and Austin pulled him out.

"Collins' ankle was broken. We took turns carrying his pack. He walked back to camp with us, using his trekking poles. That walk took eight hours. I thought, why can't you be a little tougher? There are no pitfalls, no scorpions or snakes, no ulcers or parasites. You can just take a taxi to the hospital. Are you that precious?

"Before returning, we had to stay in Dawashi for three days for 'psychological adjustment.' Someone came to give us lectures, telling us not to kill or beat our wives when we returned. That's when I realized my feet were no longer soaked in muddy water. After so many days, I'd gotten used to the weight of my trouser legs. In the classroom, they were dry.

"Dry trouser legs are like a curse, repeating in my ear that Eddie Connery makes you scared. My mind is filled with thoughts of what he might have done to you. I've only seen bad images over the past few months, and my imagination has only gone in that direction.

"Before I boarded the plane in Kandahar, you finally answered my call. You said you were afraid of him because he loved to kill rabbits with his AR-15 in Schumer's backyard. Do you know how many days passed? Eight. Connery had died in my mind hundreds of times.

"But you were very happy that day. You said the family support team had just informed me that I had 48 hours to arrive. You said you were so happy, and you smiled on the phone, so I was happy too. I was happy for 48 hours.

"I remember you waiting outside that supply warehouse. We showered, shaved, and changed clothes during our layover in Frankfurt, but I didn't dare hug you. You were clean and wearing a white dress.

"On the way back, you complained that I was driving too fast. I apologized, but you wouldn't let me go. You said I was driving 80 miles per hour in the city. I admit my mistake. I'm used to checking rooftops, windows, street corners, and garbage dumps when I drive. After I got back, my brain didn't adapt so quickly; it needed a lot of information, so I drove faster unconsciously.

"The first time we made love after we got back, you weren't happy either. At first, you were on top, and you said you'd gained four pounds and asked if I thought you were heavy. For the past five months, I've only slept with my M16. You asked if I was heavy, but you're definitely heavier than a rifle and lighter than a sandbag. Honestly, I wasn't that picky at that point. I loved you dearly, and as long as you were warm and breathing, I was fine. During our layover in Europe, the people in my group went out for drinks and a striptease, and I waited on the plane with my gun. I'd been waiting for ages, and now you're asking me about the four pounds again. Saying these things would definitely piss you off, so I kept quiet. But obviously, not saying anything would also piss you off, because you got out of bed and left.

"That night, everything in the house made me feel wrong. The basement stairs had a new handrail, and you said it was Connery who did it. Aren't you afraid of him? Why did you let him come to the house? The tampons in the bathroom locker looked like they hadn't been used since I left, and they were stuffed behind your shampoo and shower gel. I took them out to sort them out, and you said you didn't need to see them because they were all expired. I asked you if you didn't use the tampons. You said of course not, you got pregnant two months ago. This joke is really hard for me to laugh at, Chen Huan. And those cigarette butts behind the cabinet, under the sink, and in the cracks of the sofa..." Meng Zixuan didn't say anything else. He smiled bitterly, his brows still furrowed.

Shen Huan sat up straight, her eyes red, but no tears fell. Her voice seemed to be blocked by something in her chest. After a while, she explained: "The cigarette butt was left by Emma."

Meng Zixian rested his elbows on the bed, his forehead resting on his palms. He asked incoherently, "What?"

"Emma is a heavy smoker and refuses to use an ashtray." Chen Huan wiped the corner of his eye with the back of his hand. "I explained to you about the tampon. I had a Mirena inserted for anemia, and my period hasn't been very frequent since. Connolly, a volunteer with the family support group, fixed the handrail in the basement. I filled out the repair request, and the group decided who to send. What should I say? He kills rabbits, so I don't want him to fix the stairs? I wasn't home the day he came. Yes, I had things to do too. I'm an undergraduate statistics student, and I have classes and projects in the computer lab with my classmates. I only skipped classes and stayed home for the month or two you were back."

Meng Zixuan's hands covered most of his face, revealing only his tense jaw. After a while, he laughed helplessly, "Emma has been smoking since then."

"You thought she was talking about Henry."

"That's what I thought at first," he said, "but she told me she was doing it to suppress morning sickness."

Chen Huan burst into laughter. Meng Zixuan asked if he wanted to eat the sandwich. Chen Huan looked down at the cold bread on his knees, which was deformed by his fingers. Chen Huan shook his head. He took it and swallowed it in two bites. Chen Huan took a tissue from the bedside to wipe his hands, folded it, and put it on his knees. She asked, "Why do you always find cigarette butts at home, but I can't see them."

Meng Zixuan frowned, picked up the tissue and wiped his mouth, "I can see the coins on the ground a block away."

Chen Huan asked if this was the orange you often talk about. Meng Zixian replied that maybe, it was much better now. Chen Huan said that I was also very cautious sometimes, and I might not be able to reach red, but I have definitely been orange. Meng Zixian smiled and said no, you are always white. She asked how you knew I was white. Meng Zixian leaned back in his chair, thought for a moment, and asked: "Just now, downstairs in the hospital, there was a black car parked on the corner. The engine was running, but there was no one in the driver's seat. Did you see it?"

Shen Huan looked at him and shook his head.

"There's a man leaning against a pillar on the right side of the entrance hall. It's not cold, but he's wearing a thick coat and has his hands in his pockets. He's not using his phone or smoking. Did you see that?"

Shen Huan licked his lips and said no.

Meng Zixuan threw the tissue into the trash can, his arms hanging outside the armrest, “So you are white.”

Chen Huan became nervous because of what he said. What should we do? What are these people going to do? Meng Zixuan said he didn't know. I am just an ordinary citizen now. It is not my turn to care. Chen Huan was stunned for a while. She said you make me feel like a fool. Meng Zixuan shook his head. It is useless to see these unless you want to be a policeman or a bodyguard. Besides, you have your own strengths. Chen Huan smiled and asked, "Are you going to say I am good at running again?"

No, he shook his head and paused for a moment. He said, "You saw our problem a long time ago, but it took me many years to figure it out. Your vigilance in relationships is innate." Chen Huan said, "But our relationship makes you suffer." Meng Zixuan said, "Yes."

Your girlfriend doesn’t make you miserable, she said. Meng Zixuan didn’t answer immediately. After a while, he said, “Sylvia is not my girlfriend, but you are right.” These words made Shen Huan feel a little uncomfortable. She didn’t speak for a long time, and there was a bitter taste in her mouth.

After leaving the hospital, Meng Zixian asked if she wanted to go to his house for dinner. Xiao Jun brought a nice piece of beef tenderloin, which he had marinated in the refrigerator overnight and put in the oven as soon as he got home. Chen Huan asked if it was in Brooklyn. Meng Zixian said it was in Jericho.

Shen Huan glanced at him. He didn't explain why he didn't live in Brooklyn anymore.