Chapter 48

"I spent all my living expenses that semester." At the dinner table, Chen Huan told Meng Zixuan: "I bought you the tactical boots you wore when you went to the special forces selection. I never held it against you. Now that I think about it, you were a stingy husband." She thought for a moment and changed her words: "Ex-husband."

Hearing the last two words, Meng Zixuan's eyebrows twitched. He said seriously that this had nothing to do with money.

Shen Huan put down her chopsticks and crossed her legs on the chair. She looked at him and asked, "What does that have to do with anything? This should be Emma's decision. It's not your child."

The corners of his lips tightened, and after a moment of silence, he lowered his voice and spoke word by word, "I've explained it to you before, and I don't want to say it again."

Chen Huan's eyes turned red. She put her legs on the ground and said, "You don't have to explain anymore. That child is very important. Fortunately, he didn't die in the clinic, otherwise I would have to pay for his life." After she said that, she stood up, went upstairs and locked herself in the room.

She slept and woke up, woke up and slept again. Most of the day passed, and Chen Huan felt dizzy all the time. Meng Zixuan knocked on the door, but she didn't answer. Through the door, he said that he had some things to deal with in the city and would be back in the evening. Chen Huan didn't say anything.

When she opened her eyes again, it was already half dark outside, and the lights in the room were off. Meng Zixuan came to the bed, held her up, and brushed her hair away from her eyes. His shirt, with the cool scent of pine trees outside, clung to her back, feeling a little cold. She found her sense of smell had become very sensitive, and she could smell the scent of chicken soup wafting up from the kitchen.

Meng Zixuan said you haven’t eaten for a day.

Shen Huan leaned against his chest and said, "I plan to starve myself to death here and make you regret it for the rest of your life."

Meng Zixuan laughed, and the laughter came from his chest, sounding dull.

"There's no such thing as a lifetime. You're very hard-hearted," she asked sadly, "Is there a five-year life?"

He didn't answer.

She concluded: "There's always a year to regret."

The circle of skylight outside the curtains gradually dimmed. Meng Zixuan stared at the ceiling for a long time, and suddenly said, "After you moved in, I found that this bedroom is quite spacious."

Chen Huan followed his gaze and looked up at the nearly four-meter-high roof, with thick oak beams across it. She didn't understand what Meng Zixuan meant.

After a long silence, he said, "Seven years ago, when I first came to Long Island, I looked at a lot of houses and was dissatisfied with every bedroom. The real estate agent looked at me like I was crazy."

Shen Huan didn't say anything. The exposed beams were not painted, but dark brown with some cracks.

"This room has a high ceiling," Meng Zixuan said calmly, "but every night when I lie here, I feel like the roof and walls will press in and crush me to death. So when Li Ting came to find me, I decided to go to Hancheng. I really want to see you."

Shen Huan turned around and looked at him. His eyes were no longer the cold amber color in the night.

The next few days they repeated this cycle: during the day they quarreled over various things, and at night they kissed, made love, and talked in bed.

Back at Benny Fort, even when things were going well, they'd barely spoken for a few days after his deployment, spending most of their time in bed and cuddling. The long separation had made communication painful, but they'd still found physical comfort. Now, spending every day together after a long separation, they'd fallen into a similar situation, though her hormones had made it difficult for her to respond to him with the same passion in the bedroom.

Following Meng Zixian's instructions, Shen Huan planned to wire a deposit to Greenwood, her divorce lawyer. She logged into her Chase Bank account online and discovered it was completely empty. She had no idea what Li Ting was up to: one moment sending her a large sum of money, the next attempting to deprive her of her livelihood.

She only had this one account in the United States, and to use money she had to exchange it for foreign currency from a bank in Hancheng, but her quota for the year had already been used up. Without Li Ting's foreign exchange channels, she didn't know how to get the money out.

She wanted to ask Li Ting. Opening the chat box on her phone, she remembered what Meng Zixian said at the breakfast table yesterday. She said maybe I can do without your money, and Meng Zixian said, "Give it a try."

His tone was firm.

Chen Huan realized that she was no longer of any use to Li Ting, but Meng Zixian held what Li Ting wanted. Back then, Li Ting had chosen Chang Yueqing to run the company, and now he was unwaveringly converting to Meng Zixian. Li Ting was loyal only to his own interests.

Chen Huan clutched her laptop, checking her emails. Greenwood hadn't contacted her since, aside from an initial introduction email. Three days prior, the law firm's assistant had sent her a set of client login information. When Chen Huan clicked the link, her username and password repeatedly gave errors. Meng Zixian said the lawyer charged $1,800 an hour, seemingly spending none on IT.

But they didn't urge her to pay the lawyer's fees, so Shen Huan ignored it for the time being.

At six weeks, she needed a pregnancy confirmation and ultrasound. She called her gynecologist's office to schedule an appointment. The nurse at the front desk asked her if she had chosen a hospital and obstetrician for the birth, and they would send the information as soon as possible.

Shen Huan was stunned for a while and said not yet.

She didn't know where the child would be born, Hancheng or New York. She felt that this should be a decision made together with Meng Zixuan, but she didn't bring it up, and he never mentioned it either.

The nurse arranged an ultrasound for next week and told her to book a hospital for delivery as soon as possible. Shen Huan agreed.

Chen Huan didn't tell Meng Zixuan about the physical examination. She didn't know how to start. After talking about it that night at the Beverly Villa, they both seemed to be avoiding the topic of the child.

She knew her reasons, but not his.

Meng Zixuan was straightforward about the people and things he cared about. Chen Huan thought his indifference might be because he had a hundred more important things on his mind, or perhaps he thought this was something she could do well, just like how he easily handled business troubles.

Chen Huan was also afraid to face the black and white ultrasound screen with him. That was probably an unpleasant part of his memory.

Fortunately, the morning she went to the hospital, Meng Zixian happened to be on a business trip to the Special Administrative Region. Jidian had a new cooperative project, and he said he would be back on a flight that evening. Shen Huan saw him off to the door. She was wearing a nightgown that covered her ankles, her hair still messy. She had been getting up later and later these days and needed ten hours of sleep a day. Meng Zixian put his schoolbag on the ground, put his arm around her shoulders, and bent down to kiss her for a long time. He promised to come back in the evening to cook for her.

In the afternoon, Shen Huan drove to the medical examination.

This is a clinic affiliated with a public hospital, and there are a lot of people everywhere.

There were only two chairs at the entrance to the blood drawing room, occupied by a woman and the man who accompanied her. Shen Huan stood aside, waiting. This wasn't the obstetrics department, and she didn't look pregnant, so the man wouldn't think of giving her a seat.

After standing for ten minutes, Shen Huan felt a pain in his waist and decided to sit on the floor at the door for a while. At this time, the woman was called in by the nurse to have her blood drawn, so Shen Huan took her previous seat, with some warmth still on her buttocks.

Shen Huan felt a strange sense of unease. She was lost in thought for a few minutes while waiting, wondering what was bothering her.

She thought that maybe she should have taken the initiative to ask the man for a seat. He looked very friendly and might be willing to give up his seat, just like she hoped in her heart that Meng Zixuan could accompany her today. Although he was very busy, maybe if she told him clearly that this was very important to her, he would be happy to do so.

Lying on the examination bed in the ultrasound room, Chen Huan squeezed warm coupling gel onto his belly. The ultrasound technician's name was Gini. After the abdominal ultrasound, Gini said they needed a transvaginal ultrasound. Chen Huan spread his legs, resting his feet on the iron footrests, and waited for the cold probe to enter. Together, he and Gini listened to the embryo's heartbeat, which was 105 beats per minute.

Chen Huan wanted to ask Jinni why she didn't use heated coupling agent on the transvaginal ultrasound probe, but it was too late to ask now.

Jinni slid over to the examination bed in a chair, as if she was going to tell Shen Huan a big secret. She chewed gum and whispered, "This is usually not allowed, but I can send the heartbeat recording to your email."

Chen Huan looked at Jinni. Jinni's eyes were large, reflecting the light from the monitor like two witches' scrying balls. Chen Huan paused for a moment and said, "Thank you, but that's okay."

Ginny said nothing more and turned her chair back. Soon, the sound of a printer could be heard from the room. Chen Huan lowered his legs and sat up, then walked to the ultrasound room bathroom. He took off his disposable apron, wiped it clean with a paper towel, rolled it up, and threw it into the trash can, then changed back into his jeans and sweatshirt.

When Shen Huan came out of the bathroom, Jinni sat down in front of the computer. Shen Huan sat back on the bed and waited for a moment, watching Jinni spit out and swallow the gum from her mouth. Finally, Jinni tore off the tofu-sized black and white ultrasound image that the printer had spit out, turned around, and handed it to Shen Huan, saying with a smile, "Congratulations, Mom."

Shen Huan took the paper and put it in her hoodie pocket, not saying anything for a moment. She had always been a polite person, and saying thank you was a given for someone's kindness, but the complex emotions woven into her heart made her inexplicably angry.

Henry had once told her on Thanksgiving Day that after returning from overseas duty, people at airports, hotels, and train stations would see him in his gray-green uniform and bag and come up to him and say, "Thank you for your service." This made Henry want to punch them in the nose. Of course, that wouldn't work, so Henry could only stare at them until they tactfully walked away.

Shen Huan asked Meng Zixuan why you are so angry every time you come back.

Meng Zixian calmly replied that this was not anger. This was a way to resolve conflicts when words were ineffective. People in the army were used to this method.

"Are you used to violence?" Shen Huan asked.

Meng Zixuan was silent for a long time, but continued speaking.

He said that in the villages and cities of Dawash, every day and night, the calls of the mullahs could be heard from the loudspeakers of the mosques, encouraging young men to take up arms in resistance. This was jihad and an obligation.

The US military's psychological operations team persuaded Mulla to stop inciting the teenagers, who could not even hold a gun, but were driven to attack the stronghold guarded by the US elite troops.

"Most of the children died under machine guns without firing a single bullet from the old-fashioned rifles in their hands," said Meng Zixian.

Shen Huan asks how do you know.

“You can see it in the night vision goggles,” he said. “A fired gun barrel has a heat signature. The guns next to their bodies were all cold.”

Shen Huan’s throat tightened.

The psychological warfare team's spit often has no effect. Only bullets and human lives can convince them to stop stuffing explosives under the US military's Humvees.

“But those who came to thank you are not enemies, they just have good intentions,” Shen Huan said.

"This kindness is hollow." Meng Zixuan's face was emotionless. "I've pulled the trigger and smashed heads and families before. I don't need the kindness of strangers."

Chen Huan didn't know why, in this ultrasound room, Jinni's words brought back these memories. Perhaps she was beginning to understand Meng Zixian's anger. A successful kill on the battlefield didn't always bring glory, just as the birth of a new life isn't always accompanied by joy. Perhaps after a while, as everything slowly settled in, she'd be able to more calmly face the empty kindness of strangers.