Chapter 5 You're great, it's me who's not.

When Hei Xiazi crawled out of that cramped little grave and saw the light of day again, he felt as if he had just woken from a bizarre dream. But the heavy jade box in his arms, and Zhang Qiling beside him with his cold aura, who had shielded him from all the mud and branches, reminded him that this was not a dream.

On the way back, the silence was still suffocating. But this time, it was mixed with too much. Hei Xiazi no longer tried to crack jokes. He leaned back in the passenger seat, his eyes closed behind his sunglasses, but his mind was replaying everything in the tomb like a movie—Zhang Qiling's precise route selection, his seemingly precognitive defense against the corpse beetles, and the chillingly skillful way he collected the You Tan Orchid.

This is far more than simply "seeing" a glimpse of the future. It's more like... a memory of having experienced it firsthand.

An absurd yet uniquely plausible idea began to grow wildly in his mind.

The car stopped again at the entrance of that familiar alley. Zhang Qiling got out first, walked around to the other side, and opened the car door for Hei Xiazi. His movements were so natural, as if he was born to do it.

Hei Xiazi didn't move. He stared at Zhang Qiling's expressionless face through his sunglasses, then suddenly spoke, his voice hoarse as if from a hangover: "Dumb."

Zhang Qiling paused, looked at him, and said, "Hmm."

"You were in that doorway," Black Bear licked his slightly chapped lips, choosing his words carefully, "did you... see more than just something?"

Zhang Qiling's gaze met his through his dark glasses, and he didn't answer immediately. His eyes were so deep and still, as if they could draw you in.

"You are," Black Glasses leaned forward, lowering his voice, each word striking the silent air, "...having experienced everything?"

He spoke the last few words extremely slowly, with a kind of tentative disbelief that even he himself could not believe.

Zhang Qiling's body stiffened almost imperceptibly. Though extremely subtle, Hei Xiazi noticed it. His suspicions instantly deepened.

really.

Zhang Qiling shifted his gaze to the blurry darkness deep within the alley, his Adam's apple bobbing slightly. After several seconds, he replied in an almost ethereal voice, "...more or less."

almost?

Black Bear's mind was in turmoil. What did "almost" mean? Did it mean he experienced it all, or only a part of it? What exactly was this "one-time" experience he had gone through?

Countless questions were stuck in his throat, but looking at the undisguised exhaustion and deep pain on Zhang Qiling's profile, he suddenly couldn't ask anything.

Damn it. If this guy really went through everything, how would he feel looking at himself now? Looking at this... the version of himself that he might have ultimately pushed away and hurt deeply in "that experience"?

A complex and indescribable emotion welled up inside him, a bittersweet feeling mixed with a touch of heartache that even he himself was unwilling to admit. He suddenly understood where Zhang Qiling's unusual behavior these past few days, that almost obsessive protectiveness, came from.

It wasn't a spur-of-the-moment decision; it was more like a desperate attempt to salvage a situation, like a dying person grasping at a piece of driftwood.

The two walked into the courtyard one after the other, returning to the house filled with the smells of smoke, alcohol, and bygone days. The atmosphere was even more stagnant than before.

Zhang Qiling walked straight into the kitchen, started boiling water, and washed the cups. His movements remained silent, yet they carried a stubborn determination to do something. Hei Xiazi leaned against the doorframe, watching Zhang Qiling's slightly thin but upright back, his mind in turmoil.

Does he like Zhang Qiling?

nonsense.

He couldn't remember when it started. Perhaps it was the moment his heart skipped a beat when he saw the other's bloodied profile after fighting side by side; perhaps it was the habit of that person always subconsciously shielding him half a body length away whenever danger arose; perhaps it was the fleeting warmth, unnoticed even by its owner, when those indifferent eyes occasionally fell upon him.

But who was Hei Xiazi? He was a fugitive, living a life of constant uncertainty, wandering the world. He understood Zhang Qiling's subconscious, almost instinctive concern and protection for Wu Xie. It was a purer, more unquestionable connection. He felt that his own thoughts, in the face of that "special" connection, seemed somewhat ridiculous, and also somewhat...inappropriate.

So he settled down. He suppressed those inappropriate thoughts, along with some inexplicable fragments of memory (he always felt like he had forgotten many important things), and buried them deep in his heart. He put on a cynical mask, continued to joke around, and remained the reliable "buddy" he could trust.

But now, what's going on?

Zhang Qiling walked over with a steaming cup of water and handed it to him. A few goji berries floated in the water, something that even Black Bear himself had forgotten when he bought and which had been gathering dust.

"Have some water." Zhang Qiling's voice interrupted his thoughts.

Hei Xiazi looked at the glass of water but didn't take it. He raised his head, his sharp gaze behind his sunglasses fixed on Zhang Qiling: "In 'that time' you experienced, what happened to me in the end?"

He asked directly, but his heart was pounding in his throat. He was afraid to hear the answer, yet desperate to know.

Zhang Qiling's fingers tightened suddenly around the cup, his knuckles turning white. He lowered his eyelids, his thick eyelashes casting a small shadow beneath his eyes, concealing all his emotions. But Hei Xiazi could see that his jawline was taut, as if he was desperately trying to restrain something.

A long silence followed. The only sound in the room was the whirring of the kettle.

Just when Hei Xiazi thought he wouldn't answer, Zhang Qiling finally spoke, his voice low and hoarse as if it had been rubbed with sandpaper:

"...You're very good."

He paused, as if those three words carried the weight of a thousand pounds. Then, he raised his eyes, his gaze piercing through his glasses, looking directly at Black Bear, his eyes filled with unfathomable pain and regret.

"It's my fault."

"..." Hei Xiazi's heart felt as if it had been gripped tightly by an icy hand, and a dull pain spread through him.

He's doing well? In what way? Does he mean he's living well, or... well... he's forgotten him?

Zhang Qiling didn't say anything more. He shoved the water glass into Hei Xiazi's hand, turned around and went back to the kitchen. With his back to Hei Xiazi, he began mechanically wiping the already clean stove. That figure exuded an indescribable loneliness and desolation.

Hei Xiazi held the cup of lukewarm water; the warmth seeped through the cup to his palms, but it couldn't warm his cold limbs and bones.

As he watched Zhang Qiling's retreating figure, the absurd conjecture about "rebirth" in his mind grew clearer and clearer. What if... what if it wasn't a premonition, but rather a real second chance at life?

What if a lot happened between them that time, and the ending... wasn't good?

That's why this guy seems like a different person, that's why he said something like "Let me protect you," and that's why he was so indifferent to Wu Xie's side.

A massive wave, a mixture of shock, confusion, and a hint of secret joy, suddenly shattered Hei Xiazi's previously established psychological defenses. All his previous evasion and feigned ease seemed so laughable and so pale in the face of Zhang Qiling's near-breakdown pain.

He put down his water glass and walked step by step to the kitchen door.

Zhang Qiling seemed to sense his approach, paused his wiping motion, but did not turn around.

Black Bear stared at the pale nape of his neck, his Adam's apple bobbing, and finally asked the question that had been lingering in his mind for so long:

“Mute Zhang,” his voice was strained, “what you did… was it because you felt indebted, or because…”

He paused, mustered all the courage he had ever had, and then uttered the last few words:

"...What else?"

For example, like him, those thoughts that can't be seen in the light of day, yet can't be completely extinguished.

Zhang Qiling suddenly turned around!

His face remained expressionless, but his eyes seemed to have been suddenly filled with a raging storm! Something within his usually icy gaze had shattered completely.

He grabbed Black Bear's wrist with astonishing force, almost crushing his bones. He took a step closer, their noses nearly touching, their breaths audible.

"It's not about owing anything." Zhang Qiling's voice trembled violently, each word seemingly squeezed out from between his teeth, carrying a despair and madness that had been suppressed for too long and was finally uncontrollable. "It never was!"

He stared into the blind man's eyes, as if trying to see through the dark lenses into the depths of his soul.

“It’s because…” his voice trailed off, filled with a desperate, agonizing pain, “…I can’t take it anymore.”

"I can't stand looking at you anymore... Die for me once."

The last few words were so soft they were almost inaudible, yet they struck Black Bear's heart like a heavy hammer.

With a bang, his mind went completely blank.

Die for me...?

In "that time" that he experienced, I...died?

Because of this?

So that's why he did that?

Hei Xiazi stared blankly at the face so close to his, at those eyes that were no longer concealed, filled with pain, fear, and an almost destructive possessiveness. All his guesses and doubts were answered at that moment.

So that's how it is...

It's not a one-man show.

It wasn't just him... he couldn't have it.

In another time and space, or rather, in the "last time," the relationship between them was far more profound than he imagined. And... far more tragic.

Looking at his shocked expression, Zhang Qiling seemed to have finally exhausted all his strength. He loosened his grip on Zhang Qiling's wrist slightly, took a half step back, turned his head, and his shoulders slumped almost imperceptibly, revealing a deep sense of powerlessness.

“…I’m sorry.” He said those three words again, but they were heavier than ever before.

Hei Xiazi stood there, looking at him like this, and the secret joy that had welled up in his heart because his guess had been confirmed was instantly overwhelmed by a huge bitterness and heartache.

damn it.

What kind of mess is this!

He took a deep breath, suppressing the lump in his throat, and suddenly reached out, not to push Zhang Qiling away, but... to take the initiative to grab the wrist that Zhang Qiling had just let go of.

Zhang Qiling froze and turned his head sharply to look at him.

Through his sunglasses, Hei Xiazi met his shocked gaze, tried to force a smirk, but found his facial muscles were terribly stiff.

"Alright," he heard his own voice say, with a barely perceptible hoarseness, "We've already died, what's the point of being so sentimental?"

He gripped Qi Ling's wrist tightly, feeling a slight tremor beneath the other's cold skin.

“This time… guard it well,” he said, his tone both teasing and a solemn promise. “If you lose me again, I’ll haunt you even in death.”

Zhang Qiling's pupils constricted, staring at him in disbelief. Those usually calm and collected eyes now clearly reflected Hei Xiazi's figure, and a light of disbelief, as if he had been saved from a desperate situation.

He gripped Black Bear's hand even tighter and more firmly in return. The force was so great, it felt as if he were grasping the entire world.