Chapter 66 Chapter 66 Beio/Finally, I have the trouble of love...
In the bedroom, Isabelle and Audrey had no idea what was happening outside.
"I missed you so much, sister." Audrey huddled in bed, hugging Isabel's waist and whispering, "That Duke looks really mean. Is he good to you?"
Isabel chuckled, "He's not bad."
"Really?" Audrey snorted. She was always friendly, but she was extremely critical of her sister's husband. "He doesn't look like a noble gentleman at all. Did you just see that? I just wanted to spend a few nights with you, and he treated me like that? Come on, I'm your sister. Who is he? How long has he known you?"
Audrey gushed.
Isabel couldn't help laughing. "It seems he has a hard time winning your favor."
"Yes, not at all!" Audrey said firmly, hugging Isabel like an octopus. "Don't worry, he's a duke, so what? If he treats you badly, I'll... I'll..."
She hesitated for a long time, then thought about the exchange marriage. Her sister had originally gone to the Duke's Mansion in her place, and the trouble she was facing now was all caused by her. Even if her sister suffered a loss, she couldn't think of a way to deal with him.
For a moment, Audrey's voice dropped.
Isabel patted her back gently and said after a moment of silence, "Don't worry, I'm fine."
"Look at me, dear." She pinched Audrey's chin, their two similar blue eyes meeting. "Have you forgotten what you said? You know, I can live well anywhere."
Audrey was slightly startled, and the uneasiness in her heart was soothed by the gentleness.
"What about you? What kind of person is Mr. White?" Isabel looked at her sister's rosy face and smiled. "It seems that your life in Winston Manor is better than I imagined."
When Audrey mentioned Herman, her eyes lit up. "Yes! Herman is a very good person. I live very well here."
"Mrs. Cooper is also very nice. I have met many friends here, Mrs. Jessia, Mrs. Moore, Theresa, Charles, Caroline, the fat cook, Kevin, Rose..." Audrey opened up.
Audrey was completely open with her sister, telling Isabel everything from how many cats and dogs she had and what they were named to her research on improving machines and joining the Chengzhi Society.
Isabel also listened patiently and would respond even to small matters.
Lucy had already informed Isabel about the Chengzhi Society and the improved machine. Lucy was Isabel's eyes on Audrey, responsible for eliminating any signs of danger and ensuring she was in a safe environment.
But there was no need to tell Audrey about this. She just needed to be like she was now, happily making friends and boldly trying new things.
"Apart from these? You were just talking about Hermann, why don't you continue?" Isabel chuckled. She certainly noticed her sister's awkward look.
Audrey rolled around with the pillow and mumbled, "It's fine. We're husband and wife now."
Isabel stared at her sister. "Is he good to you? I'm not talking about food, clothing, shelter, and transportation. I'm asking... does he respect you?"
Audrey hesitated for a moment, then smiled. "Well, he respects me. I already have the freedom that many wives envy."
Isabel didn't say anything. She was silent for a moment, then asked, "Do you really like him?"
Before Audrey could answer, she added, "I want the truth, dear."
Audrey paused, feeling a little shy. After thinking for a while, she bravely said, "I think I like him."
Isabel raised an eyebrow. "Why is there uncertainty in your tone?"
"Because... I can't tell what kind of love that is." Audrey raised her head hesitantly, "I'm not sure if it's good or bad."
This question has actually been buried in Audrey's heart for a long time.
She is a person who doesn't like to get entangled, and she will put aside the problems that cannot be solved.
Now seems like a good time to bring up some old questions and address them.
"I like a lot of people, like you, like mom and dad, like my aunt, and sometimes I don't mind liking Miss Lucas in a friendly state." Audrey said slowly.
"Oh, Miss Lucas must not know how much you think of her," Isabel joked.
Audrey blushed. "Anyway... I like a lot of people. I also like Pappy the puppy and Daisy the kitten. Everything beautiful deserves my love."
"Does this include Herman White?"
"Yes, including him." Audrey lowered her voice. "But this is strange, isn't it? In fact, Herman wasn't a good person from the beginning. He was very cold and difficult to approach. Although I appreciate handsome men, in this situation, I don't think I'm special enough to be treated differently by him."
The room was warm with dim candlelight. Isabel looked at her sister quietly. The little person seemed to have grown up in an instant and turned into a sad girl.
"Gradually, he changed, and I knew he shouldn't resist me anymore," Audrey recalled the touching scenes. "He kissed me in the auditorium, drew pictures for me, danced with me, and even risked his life to save me by jumping into the water. We also had arguments, and he revealed his true self, but I didn't find it difficult to accept."
Isabel: "So you judge that you like him."
Audrey didn't answer immediately, but looked at Isabel doubtfully: "Sister, before you make a judgment, I want to know what it's like to like someone."
Isabel thought for a moment: "Dear, there is no standard answer to this."
"Yes, there's no standard answer. I can only compare it with my other 'likes,'" Audrey said, holding her face. "Likes for family and friends, likes for pets—those are all very pure emotions. But when I like him, other things are mixed in."
In the dim light, those water-blue eyes were clear and moving.
She dropped her eyes. "I don't know why I'm so obsessed with him."
Isabel: "Obsessed? That doesn't sound like a word you use."
"Yes, before I met him, I always had a gentle and equal attitude towards everything. After meeting him, I gradually discovered..." Audrey paused, her eyes slightly stunned, "I discovered the dark side buried deep in my heart."
"Aside from Herman's appearance, which completely matches my aesthetic, his personality, his life experience, and his values are completely different from mine."
"In his world, everything is based on profit. I know it's not his fault, it's just that the environment he grew up in shaped him like this."
"When we first clashed, my mind told me we were two completely different people, like two tracks coincidentally running parallel to each other, but I couldn't demand they connect. But when I found that iceberg gradually melting for me, I have to be honest about the secret joy and satisfaction I felt." Audrey lowered her head. "Sister, I'm ashamed of this because I realized that I used my emotions as a weapon and smugly watched her become my captive."
Isabel looked at Audrey quietly. "People who actively give their emotions are naturally superior. It's just that people often mistakenly believe that the one who is loved is the winner."
"Yes, I took the initiative to love and became the true winner. I was happy because of my victory. At one point, I even enjoyed this game of winning people's hearts." Audrey frowned. "When I came to my senses, I was ashamed of my own meanness."
"Looks like it's time for you to put aside your moral sense." Isabel teased.
Audrey was frustrated: "Oh, please, don't tease me, dear. This love brings more than just bad things."
"Besides feeling elated, I'm also sometimes pessimistic. The moment I saw him bending over for me, I wondered if I could completely change him," Audrey said softly. "It's hard to believe, but I actually had the delusion of wanting to change someone. A little bit of sweetness isn't enough; I greedily want it all."
Isabel didn't say anything and listened quietly to her story.
"Why should I change him? Emotionally, we are independent people. In reality, our marriage started as a transaction. I am a puppet named 'Mrs. White' who relies on him for my life and depends on him for the rest of my life. How can I ask him to change?"
"I'm still not satisfied with being the emotionally superior one, because this unequal position always makes me feel insecure. I think, although he likes me now and is willing to make superficial changes for me, I can't help but worry about how long this love will last? How long can he maintain the changes he makes to please me?"
Isabel: "This liking makes you think more deeply."
"It also brings more troubles." Audrey nodded, a look different from before. "Honestly, if it were just love, then even if it eventually drifted away with the wind, we could both start a new life. But... the shackles of marriage still exist between us."
"I know very well that I have to take responsibility for my marriage. Even if our relationship breaks down and falls apart, we must maintain a marriage that looks like it exists in name only."
"If I didn't love him, I wouldn't feel sad when that day came. But if I loved him, I couldn't imagine how painful it would be for me." Audrey forced a smile.
"Operas always depict heroines willing to go through fire and water for love, but no one ever told me..." she said, "that love can also be bitter."
"When I'm possessive of a man's feelings, pessimism follows me everywhere. It makes me sensitive, greedy, worried, and anxious about gains and losses. To maintain a stable marriage and prevent it from ending in the worst possible outcome, I have to hide this side of me..." Audrey raised her head, her aquamarine eyes revealing a seriousness unlike her usual self. "How terrifying! It turns out that liking someone can transform me into someone else."
"Completely different... superficial, stupid, pessimistic..." She lowered her head and smiled sadly, "a part of myself that I kind of hate."
The nights in the north were exceptionally cold. Dim lights were on in the castle all night long, and it was so quiet inside that one could almost hear the sound of snow falling.
Isabel looked into her sister's eyes and glimpsed the truest corner of her heart - the optimistic angel also has sadness, although it is always suppressed at the bottom of the box.
She remembered that on the day Otti set off, he also kept smiling, and all the letters he sent only reported good news, not bad news.
If the person I trust the most is not by my side, I am afraid these troubles will never see the light of day until I forget them completely.
"My dear, I reserve my opinion on your self-evaluation. At the same time, I must tell you that no one can make decisions for your feelings." After a long silence, Isabel pinched Audrey's face and said, "I just hope that you are happy at all times."
Audrey lowered her head and said dejectedly, "It seems I failed to fulfill your wish."
"No, the happiness I'm talking about doesn't mean you have to force yourself to be happy all the time," Isabel said slowly. "It's about laughing when you're happy, crying when you're sad, and getting angry when you're offended. Happiness isn't your goal; it's about making the most comfortable choice at the moment, just like you've chosen to confide your so-called dark thoughts to me right now."
Isabel hugged her sister in her arms: "Now, please answer me again, are you happy at Winston Manor?"
Audrey pondered for a moment and said, "Most of the time, yes."
Isabel: "That is, sometimes I feel sad."
Audrey paused.
Her sister could always see through her disguise easily.
"Yes, sometimes, but that's my own problem. Just like the emotional confusion I felt earlier, I always create my own troubles," she said seriously. "I want to achieve something beyond my role as Mrs. White. I want to help this and that, even want to change the world, but I forget that I can't do whatever I want."
"Actually, Hermann and Mrs. Greta were both very nice to me. I just... I just..."
She paused for a long time, unable to find a suitable description. It seemed that she had been hiding her emotions for too long and even forgot their origin.
Isabel stared at her sister quietly, her ice-blue eyes seemed to see through everything.
The shield she erected as a child could resist external malice, but the harm she suffered now came from her kind nature.
Empathy is her gift, but also a double-edged sword. She would feel sad for the withering of a flower, would sympathize with the suffering of workers, and would put herself in other people's shoes. Even if this person hurt her, she would not hold a grudge.
"Honestly..." Isabel suddenly sighed, "If I had known this day would come, I might not have taught you to be such a kind person."
Audrey leaned on her sister's shoulder and smiled, "Is it too late for me to become a bad guy now?"
"I'm afraid it's too late at the age of five." Isabel raised an eyebrow. "Little Miss Norman is a sticky rice ball who would cry even if the marigolds in the yard withered."
"But..." Isabel paused, a hint of tenderness in her icy blue eyes, "I won't stop you from giving the rose in your hand to someone else, because that's your choice."
Audrey chose to be a fool who gave roses to others, and that's fine too.
——I just feel sorry for the thorns on your palm.
The road to growth is full of thorns. Isabel will not express her concern, allowing it to become a gentle trap that prevents her sister from moving towards her ideal goal.
"My dear, you just need to remember. When I ask if you're happy, I'm not referring only to Winston Manor, but to any time..." Isabel's eyes were gentle as she patted Audrey's head. "At any time, you can put aside all your hesitation and fear and make the happiest choice."
Audrey was slightly startled.
"If you want to experience the taste of love, then be brave and experience it. Don't worry about who he is, don't be afraid of a messy ending, and don't worry about bringing trouble to your family." Isabel looked at her. "You can be blinded by love, you can forget about reason and completely immerse yourself in the feelings and become a fool. You can even turn around and leave when you get tired of it. I just need you to do whatever you want."
Audrey was stunned for a long time, her voice dry: "But there was no equality between him and me from the beginning, so..."
"So I will lift your side of the scales to an equal position with him," Isabel said slowly. "From the moment I step into Winston Manor, you only need to fall in love like an ordinary girl. You can argue, be willful, feel wronged, and be proud. You don't have to force yourself to accept everything."
She reached out and touched Audrey's head, her voice clear and gentle, "Because I'll always be behind you."
"I..." Audrey was stunned. Just as she was about to force a smile, Isabel pinched her cheek.
“When you can’t laugh, don’t laugh.”
Audrey pursed her lips and took a deep breath, trying to hold back her tears. But just like when she saw her sister that day, her emotions were completely out of control.
Finally, two tears fell on the pillow, leaving wet marks.
“I…I…”
She choked and her soft sobs gradually turned into sad sobs. Her tears fell in big drops and finally she burst into tears.
——I am so sad.
Before this, she didn't even know she was so sad.
She was so scared to leave home. She met the cold-faced Hermann, the initially unfriendly Caroline, the troublesome Lisa, the indifferent servants... No one liked her, and she had to accept her new identity, suddenly becoming someone else's wife from a carefree girl.
She is afraid of many things and avoids conflict most of the time.
I hide all the grievances, sadness, and willfulness and pretend that I am a perpetual motion machine full of energy.
Realizing her values didn't align with Hermann's, she didn't dare to force her hand and could only try to influence him in her own way. She didn't dare to speak up when she encountered difficulties improving the machine, because that was already an extra request from her... There were so many things. She loved him, but sometimes she didn't want to like him too much. She was hesitant, afraid to act willfully or lose her temper. Sometimes, she still shuddered at the thought of his cold eyes.
They were obviously just trivial grievances, which only left shallow scratches in my heart at the time and did not hurt much. But they suddenly burst out in front of my sister, and I cried so hard that my whole body was shaking.
It was like being taken away from her toy by Miss Lucas when she was little. It was a minor matter for adults, but it was a devastating loss for five-year-old Otti. She cried like this back then.
The snow was still falling outside the window, as if it was also sad for the girl.
Isabel said nothing, but just hugged Audrey in silence.
Just like comforting the little girl who was bullied by Miss Lucas, she did not accuse her in a condescending manner, nor did she comfort her perfunctorily. She just listened carefully to little Otti's story of her earth-shattering troubles, even if it was just that her doll was stolen.
How can pain compare? Growing pains are just as important as the big, world-changing events.
Isabel would rather see Audrey's real tears than a forced smile. She can always be strong outside, but here she can become the fragile Odie.
Isabel was both sad and happy about this - the little girl who was so sad that she couldn't eat because a marigold withered finally had the troubles of love.
It's a good thing to fully experience the ups and downs of love. Whether Audrey chooses to keep this fruit or discard it, she is free.
No matter what decision she makes, Isabel has the ability to back her up.
As for what kind of person is the man who brought her love troubles - Herman White, Isabel will go and find out his background herself.
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The author has something to say: One third of my life has passed, and my childhood still feels like yesterday.
Some are trivial, some are big things that I thought were trivial when I was young, but now I feel devastated when I think about them. It’s hard to forget them all.
Although there was no Isabel in my life to catch my tears when I was young, I also struggled to become a determined and happy person as I grew up.
Sometimes when I encounter difficulties that I can’t overcome, I will think about what the heroines in my works would do, and then I get the answer.
I love all the heroines I write about: daughters, friends, teachers, and souls that inhabit the pages of my writing. I love them, admire them, and want to be like them.
I was inspired to write this chapter [laughing] and I feel that high sensitivity is a double-edged sword that needs a scabbard.
Do not ruminate on pain, no matter what method you use.
Everything is fine, everything will pass. Cry like Otti and let out your grievances, and tomorrow will still be sunny.
[Laughing] I wish you all a happy reading and all your wishes come true!
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