Chapter 117 N-Imprint
Actually, they weren't completely unprepared; Grandma Chen is 92 years old this year.
Recently, she has been waking up less and less. When we visit her at the nursing home, she is sleeping most of the time. Occasionally, when we call her, she will respond. We have already anticipated that Grandma Chen may not be able to stay with them for much longer.
But when that day actually came, Chu Beiling still couldn't accept it easily.
During the years they lived in Zhalongkou, Grandma Chen took care of them and gave them a lot of care and love.
Even when she was sick and trapped in time, Grandma Chen's memory would be wiped clean every time they met, and she would forget many things.
She never forgot to care about him and Xing Yu, and always thought of them.
Grandma Chen, who gave him and Xing Yu platinum wedding rings and promised to attend their wedding, has passed away.
Grandma Chen never married and had no family. Chu Beiling and Xing Yu, as her family, arranged everything for her and, in accordance with her wishes, sent her to Shenyang.
It was at this moment that Chu Beiling learned Grandma Chen's name.
— Chen Wanshu, a very elegant and intellectual name.
Chu Beiling, dressed in black, stood in front of the tombstone, choking up several times as she looked at Chen Wanshu's photo from her youth.
Chen Wanshu was born on March 20, 1933, in the spring when cherry blossoms were in full bloom. She was beautiful, with gentle and tender eyes. This gentle and quiet girl from Jiangnan and her lover.
They met, got to know each other, fell in love, and then chose to part ways on the very day they were supposed to get married.
One went to the front lines to defend their country and never returned home; the other waited from a young girl until death, spending her long and hopeless life waiting for the one who would never come back.
She waited for him to come and marry her.
If the silly blockhead doesn't go home, then she'll go find him and wait for him to return from the city where he left. If she's not so lucky and the silly blockhead never comes home, then she'll get closer and closer to him.
That's what she told them.
Hopefully, in another world, the silly blockhead she spoke of has already met her and they've been reunited.
Chu Beiling and Xing Yu stayed with her in the cemetery for a long time, until the sun set and the fiery clouds turned blood red, staining the sky, beautiful and turbulent, stretching to the endless distance.
Xing Yu took Chu Beiling's hand and walked outside.
They still need to catch a flight back to Hangzhou, so they can go to the airport now.
"Xing Yu, when will that grandpa be able to go home?" Chu Beiling asked.
“Someone will find them and take them home. It may be soon or it may take a long time, but no one will forget to take them home.”
Xing Yu told Chu Beiling this, but he wasn't sure if the person Grandma Chen mentioned would come home, or when. They didn't know his name, what he looked like, or that he wasn't their descendant, so they couldn't be sure or investigate further.
Hopefully, among those returning home someday, there will be the one Grandma Chen has missed her whole life.
I got home at 11 p.m.
Having not rested for two days and one night, the two quickly washed up and climbed into bed, too exhausted to even speak. They hugged each other and soon fell asleep.
Despite being exhausted, Chu Beiling still woke up at her usual biological clock time early in the morning. She wanted to stay in bed a little longer, but when she reached out to touch Xing Yu's side, it was ice cold.
Chu Beiling suddenly opened his eyes, jumped out of bed, and went to find someone.
As dawn broke, the rising sun slowly peeked out from the city buildings, its golden rays spilling onto the tempered glass of the high-rise buildings, transforming into countless shimmering golden specks that reflected evenly.
Xing Yu stood with his back to him in front of the French windows on the balcony, a cigarette between his right fingers, the gray-blue smoke slowly drifting upwards from between his fingers.
Backlit, Chu Beiling couldn't see his expression, but she could feel the suppressed and deep sorrow emanating from him.
He walked over, hugged Xing Yu from behind, rested his chin on Xing Yu's shoulder, and kissed him: "Xing Yu."
"I'm here." Xing Yu stubbed out his cigarette and tossed it into the nearby trash can, then turned to look at him: "What do you want for breakfast?"
Chu Beiling said, "I'll do it."
Xing Yu asked, "Do you guarantee the job?"
Half a second of silence—
The two of them burst out laughing at the same time.
"Get lost." Chu Beiling patted his chest and said, "I can still steam a few buns and heat up a cup of milk using a steam oven."
That's all he knows how to make—fast food, plus scrambled eggs with tomatoes—that'll keep you from going hungry.
Xing Yu: "Okay, I'll try your cooking."
Before leaving the balcony, Chu Beiling asked, "Are you alright?"
In truth, he didn't know how to comfort Xing Yu. He couldn't even console himself, let alone Xing Yu, who had a deeper bond with Grandma Chen. This kind of pain couldn't be soothed with just a few words.
Xing Yu looked down at him with a complicated expression, and after a while replied, "It would be a lie to say that nothing's wrong, but... if we're too sad, Grandma Chen will worry."
Chu Beiling's nose stung again, and he blinked his reddened eyes.
Xing Yu urged him, "Go make breakfast."
Chu Beiling nodded and walked towards the kitchen, with Xing Yu following behind him.
Chu Beiling rummaged through the refrigerator, found eggs and milk, took the frozen sliced steamed buns out of the freezer and placed them on a steamer, then put them into the steam oven, and started heating the milk and frying the eggs.
Xing Yu: "Chu Beiling".
"Hmm." He cracked an egg into a bowl, preparing to crack a second one, when Xing Yu asked, "What medicine did you take a couple of days ago?"
"Smack—"
The egg fell from his hand and broke, the egg white and yolk scattering all over the floor and blending into the marble.
“I’ll handle it,” Xing Yu said.
Chu Beiling watched as Xing Yu went to the storage room to get a mop, cleaned the floor, and then took the mop to the balcony to wash and dry it. All his actions were presented to him like a slow-motion video with a frame dropped and becoming blurry.
The scene gradually became clear only when Xing Yu walked up to him.
He couldn't escape it after all; he would ask sooner or later, Chu Beiling knew.
only--
Chu Beiling said, "It's just ordinary medicine, nothing special."
He gripped the chopsticks tighter and tighter, and before he could break them in two, the poor, innocent chopsticks were snatched away by Xing Yu and casually placed on the kitchen counter, thus saving them in time.
Xing Yu bluntly asked, "Then why are you so nervous?"
"I'm fine, really." Chu Beiling's voice was hoarse: "I, I don't eat it often, no, it's not... Xing Yu, is it okay if you don't ask?"
As expected, he had anticipated this reaction.
Xing Yu believed that Chu Beiling would not do anything extreme, so he could let him pretend nothing was wrong in front of him, or he could not ask and let him be an ostrich, protecting his pride.
Then, we promptly pulled him out of his normal emotional state.
But these past two days, because of Grandma Chen's matter, Chu Beiling has been eating medicine like candy, and after eating it, she hides away and vomits violently due to the drug reaction.
They realized his condition was more serious than he knew.
Xing Yu could no longer turn a blind eye; he needed to know just how serious Chu Beiling's condition was, and to what extent.
"Chu Beiling, am I particularly untrustworthy or unreliable to you? In your eyes, am I really that unreliable?" Xing Yu asked.
Chu Beiling shook her head and quickly denied it, explaining, "No, that's not it."
Xing Yu: "So you think that if you have even the slightest flaw, or aren't good enough, I won't love you anymore?"
Chu Beiling was speechless and instinctively wanted to run away.
Xing Yu didn't give him a chance to continue burying his head in the sand. He pulled Chu Beiling back, picked him up, and placed him on the kitchen counter. He then supported himself on both sides of Chu Beiling's body, encircling him in his arms so that he had no chance to escape.
Their breaths mingled, so close they could see the texture of each other's skin. Chu Beiling's heart stopped; she dared not look at him and turned her face away.
Xing Yu's face darkened. He pinched Xing Yu's chin and turned his face back. "Why did you insist on driving me away back then by West Lake?"
Chu Beiling was slightly taken aback, momentarily unable to keep up with his leaping thoughts, wondering why he had suddenly brought this up.
"Why?"
Chu Beiling pursed her lips and remained silent.
"Why?"
Chu Beiling's heart skipped a beat, and she asked him, "Can I go down first?"
Xing Yu replied firmly, "No."
"Sitting on the kitchen counter is outrageous."
"This is our own home, it's okay."
"..."
Chu Beiling knew that he had made up his mind to ask the question, and he couldn't get away with not answering it.
Taking a deep breath, he confessed honestly, "I can't just stand by and watch you give up your dreams for my sake."
Chu Beiling is always like this; when it comes to his issues, he never gives an inch, and even makes most of the decisions for him without asking whether he is willing or not.
Xing Yu knew, of course, that he loved him.
It's quite frustrating. He knows this clearly, so it's unreasonable for him to resist or refuse, because apart from him and Grandma Chen, no one else will consider him or take his feelings into account.
He is not ungrateful; on the contrary, he cherishes it.
Similarly, he wanted to provide support for Chu Beiling, rather than having him eliminated without doing anything.
This feeling of being unable to do anything and feeling powerless once drove him to despair.
Xing Yu took a deep breath and told him the truth about his experience staying at the Xing family villa, without embellishing or hiding anything.
Not a single word was missed.
Chu Beiling suddenly looked up, staring at him in disbelief. Tears streamed down her face, and she covered her mouth, unable to utter a single word.
Xing Yu calmly asked, "If that's the case, do you think my future and prospects still matter?"
Chu Beiling's tears streamed down his face. He shook his head; he didn't know.
But he knew that if he could have foreseen it, if he had known what Xing Yu had gone through, he would have persisted no matter what back then.
Xing Yu cupped his cheeks in his hands and gently wiped away the tears from the corners of his eyes with his thumbs.
"Chu Beiling, look at me." He stared straight at him, not allowing him to flinch. "You think that by taking all the blame and absolving me of all responsibility, you love me, right?"
"Then tell me, if the roles were reversed today, and I was the one who was sick, hiding in a corner secretly taking medicine, vomiting until I was dizzy, but telling you 'I'm fine,' Chu Beiling, tell me, what would you think?"
Chu Beiling opened his mouth, but he couldn't answer. If that were true, he would be even crazier and more remorseful than Xing Yu.
Seeing his hesitation and sadness, Xing Yu did not let it go.
Even if it's cruel, he wants Chu Beiling to remember it, to put himself in his shoes, to feel his pain and despair, so that he can never push him away again for no reason.
Xing Yu continued with a strong retort: "Don't you feel that I'm a failure as a lover?"
"No—" Chu Beiling grabbed his collar fiercely with both hands, shaking her head desperately, trying to deny it, but found that no matter how she denied it, it was all in vain.
"No, Xing Yu, I never thought that way." His tears streamed down his face as he stammered, "It's my own problem, it's my fault... I can't, I can't be a burden to you, I just, I just..."
Xing Yu stopped him in time and told him, "I love you, every bit of you."
Chu Beiling stared at him blankly.
"So, don't be so cruel to me," Xing Yu said, rubbing his reddened eyes with his thumb, his tone pleading, "Give me the right to share your pain, okay?"
The last line of defense crumbled at this moment, and Chu Beiling was drained of all his strength.
He rested his forehead on Xing Yu's shoulder, his voice muffled by the fabric of his clothes, trembling with a broken sob: "I just can't accept it... I'm scared, Xing Yu, I'm really scared, scared that you'll think I'm a nuisance, that I'm not good enough, and that you'll leave me... I also want to love you forever and ever."
“I’m not lying, I’m really fine. I don’t take vortioxetine often, I only take some when I’m feeling particularly unwell. I’m really fine… really fine, don’t worry. I came here to love you, how could I drag you down with me…”
Suddenly, Chu Beiling was pulled tightly into a warmer, closer embrace.
He could hear Xing Yu's heavy breathing beside him: "You're wrong. You've never been a burden to me, nor have you ever been one of my burdens. All along, I've been the one who needs you more."
He turned his head and kissed Chu Beiling's neck gently: "The one who needs me has always been me. The one who needs Chu Beiling is Xing Yu."
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