Chapter 80 N - Regret
Chu Beiling had a very long dream where he returned to when he was seventeen, with familiar people and familiar scenes. For the past ten years, he had dreamed countless times of returning to his teenage years.
But no moment has been more real and clear than this, as if he had truly walked through it all again.
So much so that when he woke up and saw the room, he couldn't even tell what was inside.
What night is this?
Just as he was in a daze, he heard footsteps outside the door, then the lights inside the room came on, and then Xing Yu walked towards him.
"Awake?" Xing Yu placed the water glass on the bedside table and sat down beside him. "Are you feeling any better?"
"What happened?" Chu Beiling remembered knocking on Xing Yu's door, and then Xing Yu, who was seventeen years old, opened the door. After that... she returned to being seventeen.
So much so that he has no memory of what happened at this very moment.
Xing Yu said, "You fainted at the door." No, to be precise, as soon as he opened the door, Chu Beiling threw herself into his arms and then fainted.
He had no fever or other illnesses, but he just fainted.
Xing Yu raised his hand and grabbed his wrist, the shocking coldness spreading to him. Chu Beiling was afraid of the heat, and used to run around the basketball court outdoors whenever he had free time. His body temperature was always higher than his, and he was a fiery little sun.
His body temperature was even colder than his.
Seeing Chu Beiling swaying precariously, as if she might be blown away by the wind at any moment, Xing Yu asked the question he had wanted to ask for a long time: "Are you sick?"
Chu Beiling downplayed the issue, saying, "I didn't eat two meals before coming here, so I might have low blood sugar."
"Are you really alright?" Xing Yu narrowed his eyes. "You were unconscious for a whole day and night. Low blood sugar would cause this?!"
Chu Beiling forced a smile and said, "It's really nothing, I just didn't eat and have low blood sugar." As for anything else, Chu Beiling didn't say anything, and didn't really want to say anything for the time being.
Xing Yu raised his hand and pinched his chin: "You don't eat properly, and you still think you're right? And you're even laughing."
Chu Beiling admitted her mistake: "It won't happen again next time."
Xing Yu loosened his grip, gently scratched his chin, and sighed helplessly: "The food is ready. Should I bring it in or have you eat out?"
Chu Beiling: "Let's eat out."
Xing Yu nodded and stood up: "Pack your things and come out."
When Chu Beiling went to the master bathroom, he saw the blue toiletries set again and had an indescribable feeling—if it wasn't Xu Zeyi's, then it was for him?!
Chu Beiling wasn't quite sure.
Putting aside his wild guesses, he quickly washed up and went to the restaurant to find Xing Yu.
An open kitchen allows you to see at a glance what the people inside are doing.
Chu Beiling stared blankly at Xing Yu's busy figure in front of the kitchen counter, wondering if he hadn't gone out these past two days. He was wearing dark blue silk loungewear, the loose and casual design of which reminded Chu Beiling of the similarly oversized sky-blue uniform of Xigao High School.
Back then, their school uniforms weren't blue and white like in idol dramas, but they weren't ugly at all. On the contrary, they looked great on people. Whenever there were large events, huge crowds would surge out, forming a line with the blue sky like flowing waves.
But Chu Beiling always felt that no one dressed as well as Xing Yu, and no one was as reserved and dignified as him.
Just like now, Xing Yu's shoulders are broader than when he was a teenager, making his equally loose loungewear look more structured and tailored. Having shed his boyishness, he exudes more composure and responsibility in every gesture, becoming increasingly dignified.
In our youth, we often pretend to be mature, using clothes to demonstrate our maturity and hoping to be as cool and stylish as adults, able to solve everything perfectly.
When that day finally came, Chu Beiling realized that he was not omnipotent, nor could he achieve perfect merit and ascend to the heavens in one step. He also realized how much regret Grandma Chen had expressed about not doing it back then.
Chu Beiling didn't want to use her mature 27-year-old self to criticize and bully her 17-year-old self who was lost in the fog.
—But he was really disappointed, really disappointed.
A lump formed in her throat, and tears welled up in her eyes. Chu Beiling raised her hand to cover her face, wiping away the tears, and stared blankly at Xing Yu's swaying, busy back.
After a while, Xing Yu came over with a tray: "What are you daydreaming about? Come and sit down."
All the dishes were served. Xing Yu sat down opposite him, and Chu Beiling pulled out a chair and sat down as well.
Xing Yu's spoon hit the rim of the bowl, making a soft "clang" sound.
He asked, seemingly casually, "There are only a few days left until Lunar New Year's Eve. When are you going back to Singapore?"
Chu Beiling suddenly felt very uncomfortable: "Are you trying to get rid of me!"
Xing Yu remained silent, took a couple of sips of corn and pork rib soup, and after a while said, "Your home and your current social circle are all in Singapore. All your projects were suspended during the Chinese New Year. What's the point of staying in China?"
Chu Beiling: "I don't remember you liking Doraemon. What's the point of bringing Doraemon merchandise here?"
"Yes, I don't like it." Xing Yu lifted his eyelids: "You've always been the one who likes Doraemon, but I don't know if you still like it after ten years."
Ten years have passed, and he no longer likes Doraemon. He can no longer be like he used to be, wanting to collect anything related to Doraemon, wishing that everything in his house and everything he used was related to Doraemon.
However, whether it was a misperception or not, to Chu Beiling, Xing Yu's words sounded as if he were asking if Chu Beiling still liked him.
The misty rain of Jiangnan will never fail to live up to these words. The continuous drizzle is damp and sticky, seemingly never-ending.
A fine drizzle began to fall outside, and the moisture seeped in through every nook and cranny.
Chu Beiling looked at Xing Yu and said, "I stopped liking Doraemon a long time ago, but I still..." like you.
The rest of the conversation was interrupted by the ringing of a cell phone.
Chu Beiling clicked his tongue in annoyance and looked down at the caller ID.
It was a long-distance call from Ms. Li.
"..." He didn't want to answer and hung up, but then the phone rang again.
Chu Beiling hung up again.
The conversation was interrupted several times.
Li Shuying persisted relentlessly. Chu Beiling knew that if he didn't answer, Ms. Li wouldn't stop, but he also knew that he couldn't reason with Li Shuying.
Chu Beiling didn't intend to waste any more words and was trying to avoid being disturbed again during his conversation with Xing Yu.
Xing Yu on the other end said, "Answer the phone first, don't keep Aunt Li waiting."
Chu Beiling still didn't intend to answer the phone. He and Li Shuying had nothing to say to each other right now, so he hung up again.
The next second, Li Shuying's phone rang again.
At this moment, Xing Yu said, "Aunt Li has been calling a lot these past two days. She might be worried if you don't answer."
Chu Beiling's heart tightened: "You answered it."
Instead of answering, Xing Yu asked, "What are you worried about? What are you afraid of?"
Chu Beiling wasn't worried or afraid of anything. "I'll accept it." He didn't care.
My feelings for Xing Yu will never change. Anyway, he can't marry the Lin family's bank heiress as Li Shuying wishes. Even if he and Xing Yu are destined to be apart in this life, there's no chance for them to be together again.
And it will never be possible.
Xing Yu said, "I didn't answer."
He didn't know what exactly had happened between Li Shuying and Chu Beiling, so he didn't intend to answer the phone rashly, lest he push their relationship to a worse point.
Chu Beiling couldn't quite describe how she was feeling.
Li Shuying called again.
Chu Beiling sighed helplessly, "I'll take this call first." With that, he picked up the phone and walked to the balcony.
Li Shuying asked, "Why didn't you answer the phone?"
Chu Beiling: "I've been too busy these past two days, I haven't had a chance."
"You don't even have time to answer a phone call." Li Shuying didn't believe it.
Chu Beiling said, "No."
Li Shuying: "When are you going back to Singapore?"
Chu Beiling: "I'm busy, I don't have time to go back."
Li Shuying had a bad feeling: "Did you run into Xing Yu, so you're not planning to come back?"
"Yes." Chu Beiling didn't deny anything and directly admitted it.
After a moment of silence on the other end of the phone, Li Shuying said, "Chu Beiling, are you trying to drive me crazy?"
Chu Beiling comforted him, "I didn't mean to upset you. Please calm down." He said, "Getting angry is bad for your health. Try to stay calm."
“If you know I’ll get angry, then don’t do anything to make me angry,” Li Shuying said coldly. “I don’t agree. You must return to Singapore immediately.”
Chu Beiling wasn't quite sure of Xing Yu's attitude, so he simply said, "President Li, ten years have passed, do you think it's possible?" He paused, then smiled, "I would like to, but things can't always go as I wish."
Li Shuying: "If you know it's impossible, don't do something stupid."
Chu Beiling argued for a few minutes, but the unpleasant conversation ended with each person sticking to their own story and neither able to convince the other.
Li Shuying wouldn't give up on getting him to go back, and even tried to get him to come back by begging Xiao Qiezi, but he still refused.
Even though Xing Yu wanted him to go back, Chu Beiling had no intention of returning now.
Hastily reeling in the wires, Chu Beiling turned around and bumped into Xing Yu's line of sight. He didn't know when he had come up behind him, how long he had been listening, or what he had heard.
Backlit, Xing Yu's figure was half in darkness and half in light, making his expression appear even more profound.
Chu Beiling opened his mouth, wanting to explain, but Xing Yu spoke first, asking, "Not going back to Singapore for New Year's Eve this year?"
Chu Beiling nodded: "I'm not going back."
Xing Yu: "Why don't you go back?"
"Because of you," Chu Beiling thought to himself.
Even without Xu Zeyi, ten years later, Chu Beiling was really not sure if Xing Yu still liked him, just as he had guessed.
The blue cat, the replica of the house at Zhalongkou, and the picture book clearly pointed to something, but he still couldn't be sure, couldn't believe, and couldn't believe it.
Over the past decade, Chu Beiling has gained very little, but has lost far too much.
So after Xu Tunan told him that Xu Zeyi was just a business partner, he rushed over to confirm with Xing Yu.
Is he still waiting for him in the same place?
Everything has changed.
Chu Beiling had no idea whether Xing Yu would truly accept him now.
A moment of silence—
"Xing Yu, I have finally... become the kind of person I used to hate the most," Chu Beiling said.
Xing Yu looked directly at him: "Chu Beiling, you're still the same, both beautiful and cruel." But he was helpless and had no way to do anything about it.
Chu Beiling said, "I admit it's cruel, but as for beauty, I can't relate to it at all."
He didn't want to live like Li Shuying before, but many times, he inevitably became like her.
Self-centered, obsessive, and cruel—these are traits that others may not perceive, but Xing Yu suffers greatly from them, just as Li Shuying did to him, and he revealed them to Xing Yu completely.
Just like back then, just like now.
Li Shuying wanted a perfect son, and she couldn't tolerate any flaws. She always demanded the highest standards from him and absolutely wouldn't allow him to fail.
Chu Beiling hated this.
He is human, not a god, and can never be perfect.
Chu Beiling never thought she could be perfect.
He always thought this way and was very disgusted by Li Shuying's high demands and perfectionism.
He told himself more than once not to be like Li Shuying, and never to become like her.
The more he didn't want it to be this way, the more he became like this—becoming the very thing he hated.
Not to mention now, even when he was seventeen.
She always wanted to achieve a perfect ending, to find the best and most suitable answer, and then confess her feelings to Xing Yu.
Just as Grandma Chen said.
There is no such thing as perfect merit in this world, nor can there ever be perfect merit; there is only regret for not doing it.
When you like someone, no matter how much you try to restrain yourself, it won't diminish in the slightest.
If he had known the outcome would still be the same, he should have just let it go and ignored everything, instead of always trying to achieve perfect results—reason got caught up in blindly seeking a solution.
Anyway, we'll always miss out because of the so-called perfection, so it's better to just do what we want.
He missed out on so much because of his inner struggles and confusion back then, and for the past ten years he has regretted his choices. Chu Beiling doesn't want to miss out again.
His Adam's apple bobbed, and he asked earnestly, "Xing Yu, do you... want to get back together with me now?"
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
