Chapter 30: The Gift of Apology
Yanru was molested by Xue Jia. In a rage, she slapped him across the face and turned away. From Ji Mingxiu to Liu Xiang, every one of them treated her with courtesy and gentleness. Only this pig-like Xue Jia, taking advantage of his ambiguous words to cross the line with her. Everything around her had become disgusting because of Xue Jia, and she just wanted to escape as quickly as possible, to a place without the disgusting stench of sweat and bad breath.
Yanru, enraged, strode forward several feet. Suddenly, her leg, unsteady, stopped mid-air. She remembered something crucial: the polo field was far from the city center. It was her first time there, and she had no way of finding a way back to the academy, let alone a carriage capable of pulling her. This was a private field, deserted. The only person she could turn to was Xue Jia, no one else. If that wretched pighead got angry and rushed over to take her by force, she would be in dire straits.
Her breathing stagnated, and Yanru realized in despair that she had put herself in a very dangerous situation. She cautiously tested the situation, slightly tilting her head to peek at Xue Jia's expression.
Xue Jia had been pampered and nursed by his parents since childhood, never having endured a woman's attack on his face. He glared at Yanru fiercely, a thousand ways to tear her apart racing through his mind. He quickly realized that this was his territory. Yanru was to him like a tiny butterfly caught in a spiderweb; her safe escape depended on the mood of him, the master spider. Those crudely crafted eyes of Nuwa, half burning with rage and half tempered with malice, carried the power that men often hold over women, scowling at Yanru's frail figure. Yanru shuddered. For the sake of safety, she had no choice but to use her coquettish and flattering skills to subdue Xue Jia: "What did Master Xue mean just now? I am the daughter of an honest family, and you actually use me as a prostitute for fun? Master Ji and Bu Yibo are so high and mighty that they dare not treat me like this. They always treat me with courtesy when they go out." She made up a half-true and half-false pretext based on the facts, deliberately emphasizing the names of Ji Mingxiu and Bu Yibo to declare her status.
It really worked, and Xue Jia was intimidated. He wasn't afraid of what kind of trouble a little girl like Yanru could stir up, but he hadn't figured out her suitable relationship with the great painter and the earl. If she went to complain to those two afterwards and used her power to trip him up, it would be a small matter; but if she went to her adoptive father and made him angry at him and the Xue family, it would be a big deal. What if her adoptive father planned a big thing in the future and his family couldn't even have a cup of soup, wouldn't that be the end of it? ? What's more, his mother earnestly hoped that he could hook up with her, and she repeatedly warned him before he went out today, telling him not to cause another incident with the Yi family, and that he must take the Xue family's business to a higher level. For the sake of the Xue family and his adoptive father, he softened his attitude, took the initiative to walk towards Yanru, and bowed to her: "I'm sorry, young lady. I was being friendly with you, just joking to make things better for us, but I didn't expect to offend you. I apologize to you, really, please don't hurt our relationship, okay?"
The other party had taken the initiative to offer her a big advantage, and no matter how angry she was, she had no choice but to take advantage of it. "Hey, Master Xue is a kind person, he was just joking with me, it's okay. In that case, it's getting late, Master Xue, can you take me home first?"
The handsome man's perfectly balanced attentiveness was enticing, while the ugly man's intimate contact was only nauseating. As soon as Yanru crossed the threshold of the academy, she immediately ordered the maid in the bedroom to prepare her bathing supplies. She immersed herself in the wooden tub, her inch-long nails scraping against her waist, rubbing and reddening her skin. Only then did Yanru barely feel the nauseating touch loosen her waist, and her stomach eased somewhat. Yanru extended her dislike for Xue Jia to the dresses she was wearing today. However, these were her most expensive and finest pieces, and she couldn't bear to throw them away, so she let them lie on the floor for now. She wiped the water off her clothes, not bothering to tidy up her messy dressing table. She held the jar of flower wine, treasured for a long time, that Liu Xiang had bought her to warm her in the winter, and buried herself in the thick, soft quilt, breathing in the scent of cosmetics that had seeped into the bed. She sipped the wine, preparing to wail, letting her grievances vanish through her snot and tears.
Strangely enough, it didn't work. Her anger receded like a tide, and she became even calmer. The sadness of being molested couldn't bring her extreme grief. She tossed and turned, gulping down seven or eight mouthfuls of wine, but only a few tears came out. Before she could wipe them with a handkerchief, the tears dried on their own. Coincidentally, a knock on the door interrupted her nonexistent sobbing. The maid from the dormitory answered, entering with a package. "Miss You, this is something the doorman handed in. They said someone wants to apologize to you."
Yanru, feeling more excited, stopped forcing herself to cry. Holding the wine flask, she leaped from the bed and dove for the pile of gifts. She opened the package and found a note signed "Xue." A few words of apology were scribbled in the blanks. The writing was sincere and heartfelt, but the horizontal, vertical, and hook strokes of the handwriting were fierce, as if warning her: "I've already given you face. If we want to continue our relationship, take it easy and don't be so pretentious." Ignoring the apology note, whose calligraphy was almost as ugly as the writer's, Yanru flipped through the pages. Inside, neatly arranged were four sachets, two fans with two pendants, two pieces of satin, and a tailored jacket—a jacket similar to the one she wore today, but made of much finer material and embroidery, with gold and silver thread incorporated into the collar.
The gloom vanished, and she brightened. She pulled out her jacket, flung it around her, and draped it over her body with a pleasing air. Standing before the mirror, which hadn't been tidied that morning, she danced in what she considered an elegant and beautiful pose: two steps forward, three steps back, a wave of the hand, a turn, and a sudden appearance. Instantly, Yanru saw herself in the mirror, beaming with joy, so beaming. Just a stick of incense had made her stomach churn because of this man, but now, accepting this apology, even she couldn't find the slightest trace of the ordinary girl's grief after being harassed.
The smile gradually faded. Yanru, hugging her jacket, slowly crouched down. Her eyes level with the mirror on the table, reflecting on her own feelings for a long time, then sadly traced back to the reason she couldn't cry: her time as Ji Mingxiu's lover had subconsciously proven to herself that if she wanted to win over men, gain wealth and status, she must accept their physical touch and playfulness. Her body had accepted the cruel truth long before her. The moment she had abandoned Liu Xiang and seduced Xue Jia to become a noblewoman in the capital, receiving the tickets to enter the wealthy, it had already prepared itself for being insulted, manipulated, and treated as a plaything. Her anger and disgust towards Xue Jia stemmed from his failure to pay her the "reward" she deserved. Now that he had presented her with a so-called "apologetic gift," her body accepted the "reward" as its own, naturally overjoyed, unaware of the sadness and resentment that followed such abuse.
"Ah——" Bitterness surged from her heart to the tip of her nose, and spread along her meridians to her whole body. As she screamed, the tears that she had been holding back for half a day suddenly poured down like heavy rain. She was not in pain because of being molested, but she was in pain because she could not feel pain after being molested.
"What's the difference between you and the Yun'er, Feng'er, Yue'er, and Yang'er in Jinling Jinmengfang?" Yanru wailed, cursing herself in the bronze mirror. "They accompany men, and you accompany men too; they sell their bodies, and you sell your body too; they make money, and you earn the fate of becoming a wealthy lady. They are forced by the madam, and you, on the other hand, are rushing to do it yourself! Go ahead! Before, it was Ji Mingxiu, and now it's Xue Jia, so you'll just sell yourself to them!"
Her throat was slightly sore from shouting so hard, and the wine she had just brewed was taking effect. Yanru threw away the jacket in her arms, picked up the bronze mirror, and spoke sadly and drunkenly, her words incoherently: "But you are not wrong, are you? In this world, which woman doesn't want to marry well, live a better life, have servants to serve her, and a husband to pay her? You are not wrong! It is Liu Lang who has wronged you. He wants to marry you, but he is reluctant to fight for fame and honor for you. In this case, you can only sell your body again? Otherwise, do you still want to take the exam like Zheng Sirui did?
That won't do. It's too tiring. Those books are so thick, so tall, so heavy. The words are in a row, dark and overwhelming. Who can memorize them? What's the point of calculating those math problems, which require calculating the distance and the taxes? Even if you calculate them, you will be just like Zheng Sirui, crazy. Don't go to school, okay? Studying is too difficult and too tiring. Let's not suffer this kind of hardship. It's useless. After that, we still have to get married. You Yanru, you are very beautiful. Beautiful women don't need to struggle. Zheng Sirui is cheap! Don't think I don't know. Wen Yue told me how many men want to marry her. Several of her classmates' brothers, uncles and uncles in the academy all want to take her home! It's her own fate that is cheap. She doesn't want to take a good path, but has to squeeze her way through the single-plank bridge of the imperial examination. She is as stupid as a pig, as stupid as a pig!
You're not wrong! Why are you trying so hard to take the imperial examination? You're just a little greedy, oh, and a little vain. You want the best man, all the friendship, and all the money. What's that? Isn't that human nature? Why can't God give you perfection? It's not that you don't deserve it. You're so beautiful. Liu Lang and Xiu Lang both say that you're a beauty, a pretty woman, a wonderful person. Even Bu Yi Bo wanted to meet you after seeing your paintings. The world is divided into all kinds of people. Master Lu said in the first class that you are a goddess of painting and a descendant of a member of the Privy Council. So you have been noble since you were born. You want to be a lady, isn't that a legitimate thing? You deserve it, and I deserve it too, right? Why does God have to force you to sell yourself?
No, heaven isn't forcing you. Liu Lang is still good to you, and he's still by your side! Let's not get involved in the muddy waters of the rich and powerful, okay? Let's just spend our lives with Liu Lang. Liu Lang, he is, he's a modest young man. He's so good to you, he even bought you fox furs, played the pipa for you, and brought you mulberries. Your mother wasn't so kind to you, she didn't even save mulberries for you. Every delicious thing at home, your mother saved for You Yanbao—that little bastard You Yanbao! He always tricked me into eating spoiled candied haws! He even stole my pearl hairpin. Don't think I don't know! Woohoo, You Yanru, aren't you doing well? You've always listened to your mother. You went to dance lessons when she told you to, you went to Qiu Shui when she told you to, you went when she told you to fish for a rich husband, you fished for him, and you watched out for Zheng Sirui and didn't get too close to her, and you did it. Why? Why doesn't your mother love you more, but only favors that little bitch You Yanbao? Your mother said that a man with money and power is a good man. Alas, but Liu Lang is very good? He is not that rich, and his father, a county magistrate, is not that powerful, but Liu Lang is really a good man!
Forget it, You Yanru, just live a good life with Liu Lang. What’s the big deal about being poor? Zheng Sirui wasn’t afraid of being poor, so why should you be afraid of being poor? If you can’t beat her, ask Zheng Sirui to give you money. She was sick and dying, and you saved her. Let her support you. She’s going to be an official anyway. She’ll be a fifth-rank official in the future—Ruirui, woo woo woo, you passed the exam, an official position in the capital, you passed it, you’re a fifth-rank female official, the court will give you a salary, give you clothes, and give you a big house. Ruirui, Ruirui, Zheng Sirui, ah Zheng Sirui, you’re so lucky. How did you pass the imperial examination, which was so difficult? Your life is too good. Why don’t I have such a good fate?
Liu Lang, I don't want to listen to my mother anymore. I'm a musician, and I don't have that many servants. It doesn't matter if it's a little bit hard, it's better than selling my body to those rich men and serving them. Let's live a good life..."
Yanru held the wine in her mouth, and also muttered Liu Xiang's name, her voice becoming weaker and weaker. Through the hazy intoxication, You Yanru in the mirror also stared into her eyes. She was hysterical, like a mad woman, but the person in the mirror was neatly dressed, looking at her with a smile, no longer moved by her pain. The wind blew open the window covered with thin rice paper and barged into her room with a dignified manner. Whoosh—whoosh—, the gauze curtains in the room fluttered, and gray, light shadows fell on her face, body, and the mirror, swaying back and forth. Now, staring at the mirror for too long, she suddenly felt seasick. The alcohol was too strong, and Yanru felt a little dizzy. She closed her eyes and fell into a deep sleep. When she opened her eyes again, the bronze mirror was no longer held in her arms, but hung on a hanging position, clacking against the wooden pillar as it swayed outside.
"Yue—" Yanru pulled back the curtains and hung over the windowsill, retching—this time she was truly seasick. She'd taken leave and boarded the court-appointed ship back to Jinling for Zheng Sirui's return home. After waking from a drunken night, Yanru made a vague, hesitant decision: she would live a peaceful and ordinary life with Liu Xiang for the rest of her life.
Before that, she had to go back to Jinling and find a good opportunity to tell her mother Qian Peilan that she, You Yanru, had found a good home.
[Random Thoughts]: I was so moved today! A sister left a message saying she was so inspired by Zheng Sirui's story, and I was truly flattered! Seeing the paper figures I made become a source of strength for a sister is truly the greatest sense of accomplishment for a fuzzy little writer like me! I can say I've achieved the purpose of my writing—to inspire all readers, especially women, to live down-to-earth, not to fawn over men, not to be canaries, and to confront their own desires.
Thank you so much for your support! Scream!
I've been losing followers lately, and I've considered speeding up the story and getting into her marriage sooner. But last night, I realized this period was probably the most crucial turning point in Yanru's life: Yanru knew Xue Jia wasn't someone she could trust with her whole life, and she knew Liu Xiang, while somewhat self-absorbed, even selfish, when it came to the imperial examinations, was ultimately a normal person with a sensible heart. So why did Yanru continue to soberly degenerate? Was the allure of money and power really that strong? Or did something happen during this period that made a woman willingly fall? So, I'm going to delve into this story slowly, keeping up the pace, and writing more words each day so you can get a lot of content in each chapter!
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