Can't come back
Old Lady Wu held onto the wall and slowly walked home.
The bluestone pavement in the alley had been broken into pieces by the horse team that had come the day before to welcome the bride, revealing the black and yellow mud underneath. Crumpled red paper scraps, soaked in dew, stuck to the cracks in the stones like spots of dried blood.
The aroma of stewed meat wafted from the next yard, and there was also the faint noise of men playing finger-guessing games, which was the lingering warmth from yesterday's feast.
She walked very slowly, and her left leg, which had been broken in a fall when she was young, felt particularly heavy today.
Pushing open the creaking wooden door of my house, I saw my daughter-in-law squatting by the well in the yard, scrubbing clothes vigorously. The foam from the soapnut water splashed on her trouser legs.
Goudan, the seven or eight-year-old grandson, rode a stick like a horse, chanting "jia jia" as he ran around the yard. Daya, the eleven-year-old granddaughter, sat on a small stool with a broken winnowing basket in front of her, head lowered, quietly picking beans.
"Mom, you're back?" The daughter-in-law raised her head, sweat on her forehead, and kept working. "Did you see Niu Zhuang? Any news from Shuanzi?"
Old Lady Wu didn't respond. She walked to the shiny little stool under the eaves with a hunched back and sat down.
The sun shone obliquely and fell on the back of her hand covered with age spots. It was warm, but she only felt a chill.
She looked at her busy daughter-in-law, her ignorant grandson, and her precocious and quiet granddaughter. Her lips moved, but she said nothing in the end.
His eyes passed over the low courtyard wall and looked towards the blue sky of Mingzhou City.
She remembered that many years ago, the sky was not like this.
At that time, the sky was dim, mixed with the color of mud soup.
The flood was like a mad beast, breaking the dike, swallowing up the crops and flooding the house. Her husband used his last bit of strength to push her ashore, but he was swept into the muddy water and never came out.
She and Shuanzi, daughter-in-law and granddaughter followed the fleeing crowd like headless flies. They didn't know how long they walked. They were so hungry that their chests were sticking to their backs, but finally they arrived in Mingzhou.
At that time, the city and its surroundings were filled with refugees like them, with pale and skinny faces, waiting anxiously for free porridge.
Later, Princess Mingzhu came.
They killed corrupt officials, opened granaries, and distributed land to refugees.
She remembered it clearly. That day, the government clerk came with a book and called her family's name, allocating them five acres of paddy field. Shuanzi was so excited that her face turned red, and her hands were shaking as she held the thin land deed.
"Mom! We have land now! We can have enough food to eat in the future!" Shuanzi grinned, and that smile was so bright that it was dazzling.
She cried at that time, but she was happy and felt that there was finally hope for the future.
Those years were peaceful.
The whole family worked from dawn to dusk to take care of the five acres of land.
The land also worked well, producing enough grain to fill the house. Finally, we no longer had to go hungry, and laughter gradually filled the house. Goudan, a fat boy, was born at that time, and his cries were particularly loud.
She thought at that time that these hard days were finally over.
But who would have thought...
The Western Qiang people, those damn people, how come the war happened to them when they were fighting so far away?
Her Royal Highness the Princess wants to recruit soldiers to fight against the Western Qiang.
Shuanzi came back from the city that day. He kept his head down, didn't say a word, and ate three big bowls of rice.
At night, he sat on the doorstep, looked up at the sky, and suddenly said, "Mom, I want to go."
She was so panicked that she even knocked over the sewing basket in her hand.
"Go? Where to go? War means death! If you leave, the old and young at home will be gone. Who will farm the land? How will we live?"
Shuanzi is a straightforward person, just like his father. Once he makes up his mind, no one can change his mind.
He said sullenly, "Her Royal Highness has been kind to us, dividing our land and allowing us to live. Now the dogs from Western Qiang are coming to take our land and kill us. They deserve to go."
"So many people are going, you are not missing!"
"If everyone thinks so, who will go?" Shuanzi raised his head, a light in his eyes that she couldn't understand. "We can't just wait for others to protect us. We should go."
She cried and scolded, but it was no use.
Shuanzi still left.
Follow the general named Wang Mengzi and Her Royal Highness the Princess and leave.
At first, it was okay.
Shuanzi would send back a letter every one or two months. The letter was not long, just saying that everything was fine and asking his family not to worry. He would also ask someone to bring back the monthly allowance he had saved, in full.
She was reluctant to spend a single cent of the money and saved it all, thinking that she would build a new house for Shuanzi when he returned.
Later, there were fewer letters.
I heard that the war was fought far away, to the south and north of the desert, and it was difficult to deliver letters. It would take half a year or a year to receive one letter. Shuanzi said in the letter that he was promoted to sergeant, and then he was promoted to something else. She didn't understand, she only knew that he was an eighth-rank official.
How high was an eighth-rank official? She didn't know. She only knew that Shuanzi was still alive, and that was enough.
She longed for it every day and thought about it every night.
She and her daughter-in-law gritted their teeth and did the work in the fields.
Goudan could run, and Daya could help with the housework. Life was hard, but I had a hope in my heart: I always felt that Shuanzi would suddenly come back one day, wearing a brand new military uniform, maybe even riding a tall horse, like... like Niu Zhuang was today.
Niu Zhuang is back.
Where is her plug?
Old Lady Wu raised her skinny hand and wiped her face.
My face is dry, without tears.
My tears had dried up during those years of fleeing and on the day I sent Shuanzi away.
She just stared blankly at the yard.
The daughter-in-law was still scrubbing the laundry. Goudan, tired from running, squatted on the ground and played in the mud. Daya's hands slowed down as she picked beans and secretly glanced up at her. There was a hint of uneasiness in those eyes that looked like Shuanzi's.
Shuanzi...can't come back.
This thought, like an ice-cold awl, pierced into the deepest part of her heart unexpectedly, turning it into a bloody mess.
She had actually guessed it a long time ago.
She knew it from the moment Niu Zhuang came back surrounded by so many people, from the moment their house set up dozens of tables for banquets and received mountains of gifts, from the moment she couldn't squeeze into the crowd and couldn't get any information.
Niu Zhuang became a general and lived in great glory.
If her Shuanzi was alive, why was there no news at all? Why didn't he come back?
Just now at the alley, Niu Zhuang's frozen expression, evasive eyes, and the vague and hesitant "Aunt Wu..." had told her everything.
She didn't need to ask anymore.
Her Shuanzi, the straightforward, stubborn and inflexible son, the son who grinned as he held the land deed in his pocket, the son who said "it's time to go", stayed in the unfamiliar land of Xinjiang.
Never coming back.
In the yard, the daughter-in-law finally stopped scrubbing, supported her knees with her hands, slowly straightened up, and looked at her with the last glimmer of hope in her eyes, and a look of resigned despair.
Old Lady Wu avoided her daughter-in-law's gaze, lowered her head, and looked at her hands that were deformed and covered with cracks and calluses due to years of hard work.
The sun was still shining warmly, the noise from next door could be heard faintly, and the children's laughter faded away.
We have to live this life.
But, it's different now.
*
Niu Zhuang stood there, watching Aunt Wu's back disappear around the corner of the alley, as if all the strength in his body had been drained.
He opened his mouth, but couldn't utter the words "Shuanzi is gone..."
Aunt Wu didn't ask any more questions, she understood.
He couldn't remember how he answered, perhaps he didn't even say a complete sentence. His mind was in a mess and he was a little at a loss.
The greetings of neighbors and the sounds of children playing seemed to be blurred as if covered by a thick layer of cotton.
His head was buzzing with Wu Shuan's dark and silent face.
Wu Shuan is a man who always rushes to the front in battle and grits his teeth and remains silent even when injured.
He is a straightforward person who doesn't know how to adapt. He is a good soldier on the battlefield, but his promotion is slow. It was not until last year that he was promoted to a higher rank due to his accumulated military merits.
Niu Zhuang still remembered the last time he saw Wu Shuan. It was after a snowstorm in Mobei. Wu Shuan, holding the newly-disbursed salary, grinned at him and said, "After the battle is over, I'll go back and buy Goudan and the others some new cloth..."
Niu Zhuang suddenly shuddered.
He seemed to be suddenly awakened, and almost subconsciously, turned around and chased in the direction where Aunt Wu disappeared. He ran very fast, and the hem of his bright clothes fluttered in the wind, attracting the attention of passers-by.
He couldn't care less, he had to explain it clearly, he had to... He didn't know what he had to do, but there was a fire in his chest that was burning him so hard that he couldn't think.
He ran all the way to the secluded alley of the Wu family and saw from afar that the somewhat shabby wooden door was closed.
He slowed down and stopped outside the door, panting.
Just as he was about to raise his hand to knock on the door, he heard faint broken sobs from inside.
It was the voice of Wu's daughter-in-law, and the almost discordant sobbing of Aunt Wu, mixed with the child's faint sobs of fear and bewilderment.
"My son... why did you... abandon us..." Aunt Wu's voice was intermittent, like tattered cotton blown away by the wind.
Niu Zhuang raised his hand, but it froze in mid-air.
The crying was not loud, but it was like countless cold needles, densely packed into his ears, piercing through the pride he had just felt at returning home in glory.
He suddenly thought of General Wang Mengzi.
Before leaving Beijing, General Wang patted him on the shoulder, his eyes filled with complex emotions, sorrow, and fear. He seemed to want to say something, but hesitated. Finally, he sighed deeply and said, "You go back. I won't go back."
He didn't understand at the time, he just thought that General Wang was too busy and it didn't matter if he didn't come back.
Now, he seemed to understand a little.
It turns out that when I come back, I will face these mothers who have lost their sons, wives who have lost their husbands, and children who have lost their fathers...
This burden is too heavy.
This weight was a thousand times heavier than the fifth-rank official uniform he was wearing, the mountains of gifts, and all the envious looks combined.
He stood outside the thin wooden door, listening to the desperate cries from inside, and for the first time he clearly realized what he had exchanged for this glorious scarlet robe.
That was not only his own blood and sweat, but also the lives of countless brothers like Wu Shuan, who would never come back.
It turned out that it was their fate.
He didn't knock on the door in the end.
He just turned around silently and left the alley step by step with heavy steps.
The crying behind him gradually faded away, leaving only the heavy echoes in his own heart, one after another, beating against the Mingzhou sky that had just cleared up.
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