54 Feelings
◎Our relationship has long crossed the line◎
She had just been giving advice to others, but now her own problems came up again. She really didn't want to face it, and she lay on the bed in embarrassment.
Qingyun was delivering the message on behalf of Xue Ji this time because his own master couldn't say it in person. It was the first time for the young lady to get into the sedan chair, so he didn't feel comfortable doing it. So it was his turn to be the unlucky one to go between them.
Neither of them took another step, and Qingyun was genuinely anxious. He felt uncomfortable watching them lingering and yet always hesitant. He couldn't understand why, after everything they'd done, they were so caught off guard by the mere act of affection. They clearly had feelings for each other, yet neither of them wanted to say anything.
"Sir, what are you thinking? You've given me the gift, slept with me, done everything you shouldn't have done, what else is there to be unexplained?"
Xue Ji glanced at him. If looks could kill, he would have cut him into pieces right now. He said angrily, "You know shit!"
Qingyun had been by his side since childhood and had learned to be very diplomatic, but seeing Xue Ji in such agony was the first time he had seen her. "I don't understand. You have the will and the guts to do it. You've already done it, so why are you being so innocent now when the final blow is coming?"
Xue Ji hadn't expected this seemingly polite boy to say such things, and they were actually directed at him. He had been dishonest, so it was understandable that his subordinates were bullying him. He didn't get angry, but kept repeating, "You know shit!"
Qingyun came up to him, greeted him with a smile, and asked in a servile manner, "Sir, do you know what the Empress and I said when we went to welcome the bride?"
Xue Ji found him funny. He had learned to keep secrets after all these months. "What are you talking about? I don't know what else she said to you."
"The Queen asked if the Master likes men."
I like men!
Xue Ji didn't know whether to be angry at Rong Qianyu or Qingyun. How could they even ask such a stupid question?! He was a man who had seen a lot of things, and at this moment, he couldn't help but laugh out loud.
"I like... men? I like men!?" He repeated this sentence over and over with a wry smile. "Do I look like someone with a homosexual tendency? Using white to slander green, empty flowers and illusions, what is this woman thinking all day long? I originally wanted to turn my heart to the bright moon, but the bright moon only shines on the ditch."
However, rumors had long circulated in the capital that Master Xue was still single at the age of twenty. Even if eunuchs couldn't have children, they could still find a loving companion to warm their bed. This was not to say that such a large mansion was without a caring person. Whether it was a man or a woman, it was not surprising to others. Most eunuchs were cruel and twisted by nature, and many old eunuchs would raise boys to torture them. Even women were rarely treated with compassion.
But this Master Xue, he didn't look for boys or girls, and seemed to have little interest in anything. He was handsome and usually taciturn, so people guessed he was unpopular. But Qingyun knew best that his master was extremely likable.
How could a man as cunning and particular as him be able to fall in love with someone? If he were to fall in love with someone, it would have to be a unique and wonderful person in the world. She was the future queen, and he dared to covet her. Now that he has done everything, he is too scared to take the next step.
"My lord, I think it's best to clarify some things with Her Majesty. You only want to get promoted and make money, but Her Majesty also wants to maintain her position. What's there to be said? Besides...it's already a done deal. It's just a title. Why are you still being so secretive?"
"Okay, very good," Xue Ji was so angry that he couldn't speak coherently after hearing what he said, "Then go ahead and find a reason to ask her to come. Go now."
Qingyun was shocked. "You mean, let me go and let her come here?"
"Or should I go and kidnap him?"
He was like a dumb person swallowing bitter herbs, unable to express his pain. It was his own fault for following such a master, so he could only answer yes and go to find Rong Qianyu dejectedly.
"My master said that Your Majesty, please go to the Imperial Household Department."
"when?"
He looked discouraged and said gloomily, "My Lord didn't say anything. It's fine as long as Your Majesty is free. I have delivered your message and I will take my leave now."
"Thank you very much. Pan'er will go and see him off."
Rong Pan followed him out and asked one more question, "Did Master Xue say anything?"
Only when the servants spoke did he dare to breathe heavily and complain to Rong Pan, "My lord, it's hard to speak. Sister, please judge for yourself. Their affair has made us servants worried and anxious all day long. Because of this, my lord has been chasing me and scolding me for several days. He just doesn't like me and gets angry at the slightest thing."
"Your Majesty is the same. You are so worried and can't figure it out. Actually, I don't have any objections."
Qingyun sighed, "It's the hard life of being a slave."
"Go back and don't make Master Xue angry again. Just let the queen think about it carefully in the next few days. She will go to the appointment when the time comes."
"Thank you, sister."
"Wait a minute!" Rong Pan looked down and saw that the thread on his robe had come undone. "Your robe is torn in such a big piece, and you didn't even notice it? You're a eunuch beside the Master Seal, and you're so sloppy and untidy that it's a joke to see others see you."
Following his gaze downward, Qingyun looked at the large tear on the corner of his clothes, probably from being scratched while walking too fast. "It's okay! I'll fix it when I get back."
"Come on, I'll give you a few stitches first. You've been walking all this way like this, and then you'll start to complain about Master Xue's harsh treatment of you. I can't sew well, so remember to go back and mend it properly. Be dignified and don't embarrass your master."
Rong Pan took out her needle and thread and helped him sew the robe. Her needlework wasn't as good as Rong Qianyu's, especially since she came to the Great Zhou, where she rarely worked. Qingyun had it hard too, being so nervous at such a young age. Rong Pan treated her like a younger brother, so she helped whenever she could.
Three days later, Xue Ji waited boredly for Rong Qianyu's reply, and Qingyun was also worried for three days. If she didn't come, Qingyun might not be able to see the first snow of the year.
Xue Ji took a handful of osmanthus flowers and picked them one by one. This was the first bunch he had plucked today. He did not throw away the petals he picked. Qingyun had to clean them and wash them for making osmanthus wine.
She will come today, she will come tomorrow, she won’t come...
He sat sideways in a chair, legs swinging. The ground beneath the chair was covered in a brilliant yellow. He plucked the petals one by one, until only one remained: "No." He split the petal in half again and continued to mutter, "She won't come. She will come today."
"grown ups!"
Qingyun screamed, scaring him so much that he almost fell off his chair.
"Is she here?"
"Who?" Qingyun rolled his eyes secretly. Seeing him like this, he really had nothing to say. "If he didn't come, my lord, you can go to bed. The queen will definitely not come today..."
He really didn't understand how heart-wrenching and unbearable the pain of missing someone was. How could someone who used to be so decisive end up looking so sickly?
"Qingyun!"
"Mother?" He turned around and saw Rong Qianyu so excited that he wanted to run over and kowtow to thank her. "You guys chat, I'll go out first."
"I have something to say to you!" Rong Qianyu said.
"Me too..." Xue Ji suddenly lost his confidence and mustered up the courage to say, "I'll go first!"
"Let me speak first..." She took out a purse from her sleeve and gave it to him, "This is for you. I embroidered it myself. It's a little token of my love."
The craftsmanship of this purse is much better than those in previous years. It is embroidered with orchids and bamboos. Xue Ji laughed at herself in her heart. She still thinks of herself as a gentleman.
He didn't want to collect it, nor did he want bamboo or orchids. He wanted the flowers to bloom in pairs, and for dragons and phoenixes to play. "What is your intention?"
"Thank you, it's like... thank you for your care and..." Rong Qianyu said it without much confidence. The relationship between the two had long exceeded the level of so-called gratitude and reward.
"Thank you for warming your bed?" Xue Ji asked.
"Of course not!"
"What is that?"
His expression became increasingly heavy as he silently waited for Rong Qianyu's verdict, as if his heart was being torn apart by some invisible force. His once sharp eyes became lifeless, filled with fatigue and loss.
"Yes..." She stammered, unable to speak. At this moment, she panicked again when she was about to face the battle, "Xue Ji, we..."
"What are you worried about? You have the will but not the courage to steal. You've already done it and you're here. You weren't as awkward as you are now when you were drunk. So what are you afraid of? Why are you giving me a purse? Look at what you embroidered on it. Or are you giving me this purse to get rid of me, and then we'll part ways and never need me again?"
His voice was hoarse, and Rong Qianyu could detect a faint cry in his voice, which she had never noticed before.
"No, I don't think so..."
"Then why did you come today? Why do you always suppress yourself? In fact, you don't have to come. If you don't come, I will know what you are thinking. From now on, I will never bother you again. Let's pretend that we don't know each other. I promise I can do it. I am more self-conscious than that Wen Xiaqing. But you came again and gave me such an ugly purse. What are you thinking?"
"Our current relationship... I... I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet."
"Our relationship has long crossed the line. I crossed the line, and so did you."
Xue Ji paced helplessly, his heart filled with so much he wanted to say but couldn't. This was in the Imperial Household Department, and he had to keep his voice down in case anyone could hear him. If this were in his private residence, he would have kissed her to silence her, but on second thought, he couldn't bear to do that.
"Are you uncomfortable and unhappy when we're together? And after the smallpox outbreak, you came over to kiss me. Do you dare to say that this was also part of your plan? You were drunk and still came over asking for sex. Do you remember what nonsense you said in bed that day? Do you care more about me helping Cui Rumei or about Fu Hua and Cui Rumei's rekindled love? It seems that the former is more important. You ran away early the next day, so you should have some memories. Do you remember that night when you snuggled into my arms and moaned? You bit my shoulder until it was swollen, and you insisted that I put my hand on your waist before you would stop?"
"I do care," Rong Qianyu finally admitted under coercion and inducement, "but I can't change it yet. I don't want to turn pure feelings into a power-for-sex transaction like before between you and me. It was obviously me who asked you for help in the beginning, and it was me who caused you so much trouble and troubled you for a long time. As for this relationship... I would rather be said in the future that the Queen of the Great Zhou colluded with corrupt officials than be said to have given the eunuchs her own selfish desires and disrupted the government. Do you understand?"
He couldn't bear to see her crying like this, so he stepped forward to wipe away the tears that were about to overflow. She saw care in his eyes, but they could never cross this layer of window paper.
"Qian'er, living in such a peaceful corner is a luxury for me. I cherish everything. Those people may say that I am a eunuch who has harmed the country or that I am only interested in profit. But as long as you say one word, I will not care. I have a clear conscience and I only care about your thoughts. I, Xue Jiming, have no great ambitions in this life. I am a minister, a slave, and a useless person. I know all this very well. I will never covet anything that is not mine. But I must have you. I want to protect you and make you belong to me completely and totally."
The body cannot lie. Rong Qianyu undoubtedly likes him, but there are still many things that need to be considered carefully. Before agreeing to Xue Ji, she must first convince herself.
"We've known each other for almost two years. You should know exactly who I am, and I know exactly who you are, too. What's the difference in status? Queen or eunuch? You and I are essentially the same, caged beasts. I apologize for dragging you into this mess."
"There's nothing to be sorry about. It was me who disturbed your peace and dragged you into this. I've never thought you were any different from others, and the current situation wasn't something you could have chosen. I used to like Wen Xiaqing, but you know how it ended. Now I need to convince myself, otherwise we'll never be able to talk it out. I... I still need some time."
Xue Ji knew she was in trouble, but she had to take one step forward, and then another.
"On the fifteenth day of the eighth month, I'll be waiting for you at the Qiuhan Pond outside the palace. If you don't come, I promise I'll never bother you again in this life."
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