Shen Suqing felt that he was beyond medical help.
On the day she left, as he went back to his room to change, he was secretly pleased that Azhi seemed to be getting more and more clingy lately, thinking that he should coax her more and spend more time with her so that she would become more dependent on him.
After changing his clothes, he smiled and pushed open the door—
The cold rain was still falling outside the window, and the empty room was filled only with the desolate autumn wind, which made the unclosed window frame rattle against the gray wall. The wind chimes on the eaves rippled with a faint, clear sound in the rain.
Shen Suqing could no longer remember what he was thinking at the time.
Perhaps that memory was too painful, and he had subconsciously deleted it, but that suffocating feeling of utter despair still lingers in his heart, making it hard for him to breathe.
At that time.
He knelt on the ground in a daze, then forced himself to stand up by holding onto the door frame, and slowly walked to the bedside.
Just now, Azhi was sitting here reaching out to him, asking for a hug.
Now, when he touched it, the warmth of the bed had dissipated.
He had a premonition and already guessed the answer, but he still held onto hope and waited inside until dawn.
More than the resentment of being deceived, more than the bitterness of being abandoned, his first reaction was self-blame. He sat there blankly, covering his head with his hands, lost in deep self-doubt.
Did I not hug her long enough and make Ah Zhi angry?
Was the food not good enough yesterday?
Have you been so busy with work lately that you've forgotten to take care of Azhi's little moods?
I reflected on myself a thousand times in my mind and also found a thousand reasons and excuses for her.
In the end, he couldn't even fool himself anymore.
Thinking of her repeated probing over the past few days, and how he was still naively planning for the future while she had already decided to leave, he let out a self-deprecating laugh, a chill running down his spine.
Actually, he had considered letting her go if she wanted to leave, and he could simply pretend that the two of them had never crossed paths and forget each other from then on.
He was haunted by nightmares countless times and woke up from his sickbed in a daze. He stared blankly at the pale moonlight outside the window, but he couldn't control his heart, which was so cheap that it never stopped beating even after being abandoned.
Did Azhi eat properly? Was the food to her liking?
The weather seems to have gotten a bit cooler lately. Azhi only took a few warm clothes with her. Will she catch a cold on the way? Who will wash her clothes after she takes them off?
Do you have enough money on you? Where will you stay tonight? Are you afraid of the dark? Will you secretly hide and cry if you feel wronged?
The injury on her leg left a chronic condition. She never mentioned it, but he always remembered it and would warm it for her on damp, rainy days.
Now that he is no longer by her side, who will take care of her?
Who will take good care of my Ah Zhi?
The hatred that should have been growing unchecked was being worn down and tormented by these thoughts. He couldn't ignore them; every time he closed his eyes, his mind was filled with these messy thoughts, and he was so concerned about them that they were driving him crazy.
No one but him could take care of her; he was so certain and confident, yet also so desperately distraught.
It's never been you who can't live without me, it's me who can't live without you!
On his journey to Canghan, which took him day and night, Shen Suqing maliciously thought of simply tricking her into locking her up and turning her into a useless good-for-nothing, so that no one would covet or lay a finger on her again.
It's okay if you hate me, as long as you don't love anyone else.
All the malice, all the darkness and prejudice, began to dissipate and collapse the moment he saw her lying dying in a pool of blood. He staggered a few steps, fell to the side, and suppressed the churning acid in his stomach, grieving as if he wanted to vomit his whole heart.
It turns out that people really do gag when they are in a certain amount of pain.
The vengeful desires and malice deep within my heart are clamoring:
See? Why don't you stay obediently by my side? You only suffer endless hardships outside.
But more than these, there is pain that exceeds the heart's capacity.
She's so delicate and afraid of pain; she always clings to him and needs ages to comfort her when she just scrapes her skin; he takes such good care of her…
But Ah Zhi, how did things turn out like this?
He knew he couldn't trust her as much as before. It was best to ignore her and let her know that he didn't need her, so she could experience the feeling of being insecure.
But now, seeing her curled up weakly in his arms, clutching his clothes, crying so hard she could barely breathe, Shen Suqing's mind went blank. He only knew that his heart ached so much it felt like it was about to break.
Thoughts are numb, consciousness is fragmented.
His habitual act of pulling her into his arms and gently coaxing her made him feel embarrassed and disgusted with himself.
I haven't forgiven you yet—
The remaining cheap self-esteem futilely contemplated this.
For a fleeting moment, he hated her so much that he wished he could die with her, so that he would never have to think about it again.
Why did you bother me? Why are you clinging to me?
Why did you have to leave me again?
His deep, hoarse voice pressed on, yearning for an answer.
"Tell me which of your statements are true and which are false, tell me everything."
"I'm not lying to you..."
Startled by the unfamiliar young Master Shen, Zhan Xinjia's eyes stung with tears as she murmured her explanation.
You can't falsely accuse me of everything.
She could still hold back her tears when he was harsh and distant towards her. She thought that she was the one who abandoned Master Shen first and left without saying goodbye, so there was nothing to be sad about.
But now, being held tightly in his familiar embrace and hearing his increasingly accusatory tone, she couldn't hold back her grievances any longer.
The warmth emanating from his body, the faint fragrance lingering from his sleeves, the hands tightly clasped around her waist—every familiar detail made her feel incredibly at ease, yet her heart ached uncontrollably.
She sobbed a few times, her whole body drenched in sweat from crying, and weakly leaned on his shoulder, sobbing bitterly.
Tears streamed down his shoulder and soaked his clothes, falling like broken beads. All the pent-up fear and anxiety he had been suppressing these past few days, along with the strength and courage he had been forcing himself to be, were released in this moment.
"I've never lied to you... Lord Shen, I miss you so much, I love you the most..."
Shen Suqing took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and said nothing more.
Warm tears kept dripping onto the back of his hand, splashing and burning his reason, boiling his heart. He was so moved by her crying that his heart trembled. It took him a long time to lift her head and straighten it.
The little girl in my arms was already crying with tears streaming down her face. Her peach blossom eyes were covered with a layer of soft, misty water, her eyes and nose were red, and her hair was wet with tears, clinging pitifully to her cheeks.
The gentle face I remember has become so thin it's almost pointy, pale as paper, making her eyes look even bigger and brimming with tears.
He used to have at least some flesh on him, but now he's so thin that he feels light and weightless when you hold him in your arms, and he even feels uncomfortable from the bones digging into him.
Did she not eat properly...?
Shen Suqing felt a dull ache in her heart. Her knuckles unconsciously brushed away the stray hairs on her cheeks that were wet with tears. Although her resentment and anger had not subsided and her face was still unpleasant, her tone had involuntarily softened.
"Don't cry."
Upon hearing these harsh words, Zhan Xinjia cried even harder.
Tears streamed down her face like they were free, her voice choked with sobs, and she cautiously whispered her questions.
"Young Master Shen, are you no longer willing to be friends with me, the best in the world?"
Her heart skipped a beat when she asked that question.
Zhan Xinjia stared blankly into his eyes, holding her breath, afraid that the answer she would receive would be the one she feared most.
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