Zhan Xinjia still remembers that she met her master on a snowy day.
I was probably only seven years old then. My family had just moved from the suburbs to the capital, and it was the dead of winter, with the end of the year approaching.
Upon closer reflection, perhaps because she had suffered a serious illness, she actually had little recollection of what happened before the age of seven, and even when she tried to recall it, it was all just a hazy fog.
However, in Zhan Xinjia's memory, her parents used to be very strange.
They always watched her from a distance with complicated eyes, but if she took the initiative to approach, they would hurriedly retreat, their faces showing the same pained expression.
Why?
Why don't you hug me?
Like a fledgling bird longing for its nest, the young girl stretched out her arms in bewilderment, her eyes yearning for two shadows that would never stop moving, longing for a warm embrace that would hold her tight without hesitation.
She was lonely for a long time.
I eat alone, I wash up alone, I sleep alone.
From the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them, I numbly repeat the same monotonous and tedious daily routine, as if I'm trapped in some kind of cycle.
Most of the time, she would just sit by the window, staring blankly at the pear tree in the yard, fantasizing about climbing up and jumping down. Although she didn't quite understand the point, she liked the feeling.
Fortunately, Zhan Xinjia felt that her mental state was unusually stable.
She had almost no needs; she was quiet and obedient.
But she was only seven years old then, and she would still tremble with fear when she woke up from those strange nightmares. Even when she tried her best to control her emotions, her teeth would still chatter and make a piercing sound.
She helplessly reached out to her parents again—
The father covered his face, his expression one of utter despair, while the mother's eyes were brimming with tears, and even though she covered her mouth, she couldn't stop gagging. It was as if they were seeing something utterly terrifying through her.
Does getting close to me make you feel uncomfortable?
But if that's the case... then why love me?
A parent's love is a basin of warm water already filled when she wakes up in the morning, meals carefully prepared according to her preferences three times a day, pastries and candies placed by her pillow when she wakes up from her afternoon nap, a beautiful new dress embroidered with rabbits, and eyes full of tender affection when gazing at her from afar.
Their love was close, yet they were far apart, leaving her alone in another world.
So, one snowy dawn, Zhan Xinjia dressed and quietly left home.
The sky was overcast and gray, as if weighed down by a thousand pounds, giving her the illusion that the sky might collapse under the weight of the snow at any moment.
The wind howled fiercely, and the world was forcibly covered by a vast expanse of white snow, its pristine whiteness concealing all filth and sin. In the boundless expanse of white, she had nowhere to go.
Nevertheless, Zhan Xinjia continued to wander aimlessly.
The snow on the ground was up to her calves, making it difficult for her to walk. She struggled to move while holding onto the wall until she was exhausted and collapsed into the snowdrift, losing all her strength.
Cold, bone-chillingly cold.
For a fleeting moment, she felt like she couldn't breathe, like she was about to die, but that suffocating feeling quickly disappeared.
Someone picked her up.
She was an older woman draped in a fox fur coat, with dark hair and red lips. Her face was thin and pale, and her eyes, which lacked brightness, were dark and grimy. She was so frail that a strong gust of wind could blow her away.
Zhan Xinjia clearly remembers that her master's expression was very strange when he saw her.
Fear? Astonishment? Distortion?
It was indescribable; she didn't even know how to summarize or describe it.
But it was only for a moment, and soon the master smiled and hugged her.
It was a warm, soft embrace, strong enough to shield her from all the onslaught of wind and snow.
Zhan Xinjia really enjoyed staying at Minister Mu's mansion. There were always smiling maids with a fragrant scent, sweet tea with milk, and all sorts of snacks and candies whose names she couldn't recall.
Most importantly, she escaped loneliness.
Snowflakes were falling heavily outside the window, while the charcoal fire inside kept the room warm and cozy. Her head rested on her master's lap, and he hummed a soft, melodious lullaby, his warm hand gently patting her and occasionally touching her hair.
Zhan Xinjia relies heavily on this feeling.
She became so dependent on him that she started to resist going home.
But when her master held her hand and smiled as he said he would take her home, Zhan Xinjia still didn't refuse, she just nodded blankly.
The snow on the road was thick, and her shoes made a soft, rustling sound as she walked. She exhaled, and the mist she exhaled turned into a wisp of white smoke, which was then pushed away by the wind.
Zhan Xinjia wished the road could be longer, much longer, but no matter how hard she tried to delay, the road eventually came to an end.
My mother cried very loudly, almost to the point of exhaustion.
The sounds of arguing kept coming from inside, but Zhan Xinjia, who was sitting outside in a daze, didn't hear everything they were talking about.
"How could I possibly bear to do that?!... But the doctor said that the closer I am to her, the greater the chance she'll remember."
"What do you want from me? I wish I had been home that day. But now there's nothing I can do. Rather than make her remember, I'd rather she just live her life indifferently."
"Please, please don't bring this up again..."
"If there's a way to make her lose her memory forever, I'd be willing to do it... no matter the cost."
...
Zhan Xinjia could not ignore his mother's piercing cries.
But just as she was about to leave the house, the people inside came out.
The master looked solemn, the father supported the mother, and the mother's eyes were red. The three of them seemed to have thought of some solution or reached some agreement, but young Zhan Xinjia had no idea.
All she knew was that from that day on, her mother stopped keeping her distance from her and, as if trying to make up for everything that had happened before, would hug her and cuddle with her all day long, unwilling to be separated for even a moment. Even when she got up at night, her mother would sneak into her room and kiss her cheek affectionately.
Her father remained taciturn, but occasionally, when she sat by the window gazing blankly at the pear tree, he would sit with her in that monotonous state.
About half a month later, the man finally mustered up the courage to speak his first words.
"Is there anything you want, Little Paper?"
Zhan Xinjia turned her head to look at him, her eyes fixed on him without hesitation.
"I want to become the best."
She began to learn martial arts, and she did indeed inherit the talent from her father—of course, she couldn't neglect her academic studies either, so the soon-to-be-married-in-the-Yan Prince's Mansion, Sister Mu, became her master.
Besides her regular lessons, her master would also tell her many bizarre and interesting stories, such as rebirth, time travel, villains, systems, missions... all sorts of random things.
Having learned many strange and wonderful things, Zhanxin Canon felt its inner world becoming increasingly fulfilling, confident, cheerful, arrogant, and willful, gradually forgetting all the unpleasant things of the past.
According to Yan Xiyue and Yan Huishi, she had simply returned to the carefree state she was in before she got sick.
After all, she had escaped loneliness and was now surrounded by everyone's love.
Zhan Xinjia had no doubt that all of this was thanks to her master.
If she hadn't met her master, how tragic her life would have been.
Whenever I think of this, I can't let go of the gratitude and dependence I feel for my master.
Then, one ordinary day when she was eight or nine years old, Zhan Xinjia, who had injured her spine in an accident while learning martial arts, was lying on the bed in a daze when her master walked in, frowned and pulled out a piece of sleeve that she had bitten in her mouth.
"How many times have I told you? It's dirty. Why do you have to bite your sleeve?"
Zhan Xinjia was taken aback for a moment, then answered instinctively without thinking.
"That way it won't make a sound."
She didn't even know who taught her this, but in short, she couldn't break the bad habit of biting something whenever she was in a bad mood.
At first, it was clothing fabric, but after her master strongly forbade it, she changed it to cogongrass, wheatgrass, reeds, or any wild grass she could pick by the roadside. She didn't care as long as it wasn't poisonous.
This allows her to calm down in a short period of time and gain a strange sense of security.
Calmer, more rational.
On that same day, after her master left the room, Zhan Xinjia, feeling drowsy, suddenly recalled the indescribable strange look in her master's eyes when they first met—
It's like looking at a dead person who shouldn't exist.
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