Chapter 54 Love and Not Love
Lin Xili packed her luggage, which was actually not much—a suitcase and a backpack full of books, which was all she had brought from Hong Kong and was now taking back.
Today is the sixth day of the Lunar New Year. Work will officially resume on the eighth day, so I have to take the high-speed rail back to Hong Kong again starting today.
She stood by the window of her second-floor bedroom, looking at the familiar SUV parked below, and for the first time, she felt a genuine reluctance to leave this small town.
Here you'll find Grandma Huo's heartwarming, nagging care, and Huo Nanchen's silent companionship and protection.
Huo Nanchen carried her suitcase downstairs, his movements as steady as ever.
Grandma Huo held Lin Xili's hand, giving him instructions again and again.
"Remember to eat on time when you get back, and don't stay up late all the time. No matter how busy you are at work, your health is the most important thing..."
"I understand, Grandma, don't worry." Lin Xili nodded in response, her voice slightly choked.
Before the car started, Wen Qing hurriedly arrived, dragging her suitcase.
It's not convenient to get to the county's high-speed rail station from here, and she had already told Lin Xili a couple of days ago.
I happened to hitch a ride with Huo Nanchen to the Maluan County High-Speed Railway Station.
"Dr. Huo, thank you for your help!" Wen Qing greeted him with a smile after getting into the car.
Huo Nanchen nodded slightly in response.
As the car drove out of Lixiang Town, Lin Xili sat in the passenger seat, silently watching the fields and mountains rushing past the window.
Huo Nanchen focused on driving, his profile cold and stern, and he didn't say a word.
Only Wen Qing occasionally shared a few interesting anecdotes about Hong Kong, trying to liven up the atmosphere.
Upon arriving at the Maluan County high-speed railway station, the number of people increased significantly, officially kicking off the post-holiday return journey.
Huo Nanchen parked the car and helped them take their luggage from the trunk.
He handed the suitcase to Lin Xili, and then went to the back of the car to take out a blue insulated bag and handed it to her.
“The high-speed rail takes six and a half hours,” he told Lin Xili. “Take this and eat it on the high-speed rail.”
Lin Xili took the insulated bag, which was still warm to the touch.
She knew without opening it that it must contain food she liked that he had prepared in advance.
"Okay!" she whispered.
Ever since Huo Nanchen came to Hong Kong to celebrate her birthday last time and said, "We don't always need to say thank you to each other."
Lin Xili didn't thank him again, taking his kindness for granted.
"Send a message when you arrive," Huo Nanchen said, looking at her.
"Um."
Huo Nanchen watched them drag their luggage into the station entrance until their figures disappeared into the crowd before turning around, getting on the train, and heading back.
The high-speed train roared away from the platform, quickly pulling the familiar scenery into the distance.
Lin Xili and Wen Qing found their seats and sat down. They put their suitcases away. They had booked tickets together, which were for two adjacent seats.
Wen Qing breathed a sigh of relief, looked at the insulated bag beside Lin Xili, and jokingly asked, "Dr. Huo prepared this for you? How thoughtful of you."
Lin Xili nodded. "He always makes sure everything is prepared."
Wen Qing leaned closer to her and lowered her voice, saying, "To be honest, Xi Li, Dr. Huo really cares about you."
"During the Spring Festival, didn't you take the opportunity to mention to him that you should try your best to get a job at a hospital in the city? After all, living apart like this all the time isn't a long-term solution."
When asked this question, Lin Xili recalled that Huo Nanchen had answered without hesitation that night.
She paused for a few seconds before answering, "He said he doesn't want to leave that town."
Wen Qing felt a little indignant on her behalf, "He said that? Then it seems he never intended to have a future with you. He's only being nice to you now because he's fulfilling his duties as a husband."
"He doesn't love you at all. If you truly love someone, would you be willing to live apart like this?"
"Furthermore, it's hard for couples who live apart to stay together for long. Look at our town, there are quite a few couples who live apart and end up getting divorced."
"Forget about that, the most important question is what if we have children in the future? Are we going to continue living apart like this?"
"Xi Li, don't just rush headlong into it. You have to think about yourself first."
Wen Qing's words were like a mirror, reflecting once again the unease and realistic considerations that Lin Xili had deliberately ignored deep in his heart.
Has she not thought about these things? Does she not know that marriages where the couple lives apart are prone to not lasting?
She just never dared to, nor was she willing to, delve into it further.
She lowered her head, her fingers unconsciously fiddling with the handle of the insulated bag, and stubbornly replied, "I don't need his love for me."
Wen Qing stared at her in astonishment.
Lin Xili raised her head, her eyes somewhat blank as she stared at the back of the seat in front of her. "As long as he's willing to stay with me like this for the rest of his life, that's fine too."
This was the choice she made after weighing her options when Song Yuan came to the small town to force her to divorce.
Compared to the calculating family ties of the Lin family, and the easily betrayed affection of the Xu family.
The responsible, stable, and warm marital relationship that Huo Nanchen provided was already incredibly precious to her.
She dared not hope for love, something so ethereal and easily corrupted, nor did she feel it was necessary.
Looking at her nonchalant attitude, Wen Qing felt both heartache and helplessness.
She couldn't help but ask again, "Xili, what about you? Do you love him?"
Do you love me?
Lin Xili was taken aback by the question.
What does love feel like?
She recalled how her heart would race and her face would turn red when she first saw Xu Yanchi under the sycamore tree on campus.
Later, I couldn't help but try to figure out his preferences, and I would feel elated or disappointed by just a glance from him.
That was the flutter of the heart between lovers.
But what about Huo Nanchen?
She would feel warm inside because of his silent care, feel at ease because of his steadfast protection, and sleep especially soundly in his arms.
There was no fluttering panic, no agonizing longing.
She didn't seem to have that feeling of "being moved" towards him.
I guess I don't love him.
She had already given herself the answer.
But this answer did not make her feel relieved; instead, it brought her a vague sense of loss.
If you don't love him, why do you feel so reluctant to break up with him?
Why does the thought of his possible companionship in the long years to come fill me with anticipation?
Why did she subconsciously defend him when Wen Qing questioned whether he loved her at all and hadn't considered the future?
She was confused.
“I don’t know,” she finally replied.
Wen Qing sighed and didn't press the matter further.
When it comes to matters of the heart, only the person experiencing it knows whether it's hot or cold.
Lin Xili rested her head against the cold windowpane, watching the ever-changing scenery outside.
She gently placed her hand on the warm insulated bag, as if she could still feel the sunshine of Lixiang Town and the warmth of that person's palm.
Whether to love or not may not be the most important question at this moment.
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