Chapter 75
Almost the instant I made that decision, I sensed a fluctuation in mental energy.
It seems that Little Lai's danger doesn't come from others... but more from me, the transmigrator.
When I stopped harboring malice towards her, this "dying" curse vanished without a trace.
With no one left to save, there was no need to stay in this space-time any longer, and Alluka's ability to transfer to me was activated once again.
...
...
Alluka once said that he was trapped by this ability because he had developed an obsession with saving "someone". This idea of "saving" continued after the other person was saved, due to the possibility of death of the person involved, and became a vicious cycle.
Although I don't know why his power was transferred to me, I think my desire to save "myself" at this moment must be very strong, so strong that it overwhelmed Alluka's initial desire to "save" him.
The reason I say this is because after saying goodbye to "Little Laiyi," I found myself back at my next stop...
A very delicate point in time.
Not only is the timing delicate, but also...
My state of being in this space-time seems to have changed as well.
Thinking this, I looked down and silently examined my palm over and over twice, then took out my phone and checked the time displayed on it.
This action seemed to have triggered someone's already extremely sensitive and fragile nerves. I heard a familiar voice coming from the other side; my mother, clearly suppressing her anger, gritted her teeth and issued a terrifying and icy command:
“Lift your head, Ray, I’m talking to you.”
I obediently put down my phone, looked up, and looked at my mother in front of me. She was no longer young. Although her skin was in good condition and her hair was as black as silk, the vicissitudes in her eyes and brows were undeniable.
This is my mother, whom I know best.
I returned to the future.
We've returned to the very beginning, to the future before Alluka's disruption, to the future before I... held my engagement party with Illumi.
“You can’t inherit the family business,” my mother said coldly, looking me straight in the eye. “So be with Illumi. It’s better for everyone.”
The last time she spoke to me like that, what did I say in response?
I looked at my mother deeply, and remained silent.
"Why aren't you saying anything?" the mother asked. "Are you trying to protest with my silence?"
I remained silent.
My mother grew slightly annoyed, though she was displeased—she always had less patience with me than with others—but she still tried her best to maintain her elegant, in charge demeanor, speaking coldly and self-absorbedly:
"If you're thinking of resisting, I advise you to give up on that idea. No one will stand against the interests of the Adrian and Zoldyck to help you... especially that brat. Let me tell you, even if he really is your so-called 'brother,' I will not go easy on him, let alone the fact that he's just an imposter. If I find you entangled with this guy again, I will make you both regret it!"
After saying that, she suddenly stood up, seemingly wanting to leave. I finally spoke:
Does it really have to be this way?
The mother exploded like a powder keg, bursting forth: "What exactly are you unhappy with about my arrangements?"
“I don’t want to get married, especially not with Illumi.” I controlled my tone to avoid being led astray by my mother, and answered her in as calm a tone as possible, “You should know how terrible he is.”
“He will protect you.” My mother’s tone softened slightly as she awkwardly and stiffly explained to me, “He is very strong. If he is gone, his family will protect you. The Zoldycks are more indestructible than the Adrians. … It won’t end well if you pin your future on some brat on the Hunter Association’s wanted list.”
She also seemed deeply afraid of my obsession with Kuroro.
I must state this first:
"I have no more illusions about that man."
"Is that so?" My mother sneered, not believing my story. "Your behavior doesn't match that."
I patiently tried to explain my inner thoughts: "He's no good. I liked him only because I was so lonely and thought he would give me what I wanted, but now I realize that he can't give me that at all."
"...The Zoldycks can't provide that either," I added.
“These days, Mother,” before she could utter a single, harsh word, I poured out my feelings, “I’ve been thinking about something… why don’t you love me? Why does it seem like no one in this world loves me? Can’t I ever receive love?”
"Because I wanted to know the answer to this question so much, I always chased after illusions, the illusion that people might love me... But as you can expect, in the end they only love themselves. Everyone is like that. Even I, when I fall in love with someone, it's because I have the expectation that the other person will love me. I don't love the specific person, but my expectation."
My mother finally ran out of patience and impatiently interrupted me:
"What expectations? What's there to love? I don't understand any of your nonsense. What are you talking about? Can these things be used as money or as weapons? Don't give me this crap. Just stay with Illumi! You'll have plenty of food, drink, and shelter!"
"..."
As expected of a mother, she's a true pragmatist.
So for so many years, the conflict between us has been that she simply doesn't understand what I mean by "love." In her world, the best reward is to "live a life of luxury and enjoyment," and she has already given me what she considers the best.
“…Sigh.” I couldn’t help but sigh softly, knowing that to persuade my mother, I had to follow her logic. “That’s true, but why does Illumi always treat me so well, Mom…isn’t it just because you think he has this so-called ‘love’ for me? Do you think his ‘love’ is reliable?”
Upon hearing this question, the mother was speechless.
“In short,” I said, “I now fully understand that what you said is actually true. The things I’ve been pursuing before have no real effect, and even if they work temporarily, they are hard to sustain. Money, property, and power can be observed, preserved, and maintained, but love is ever-changing.”
“That’s why I want to oppose being with Illumi,” I said. “Even when I most want someone to love me, I know clearly that Illumi’s love can never protect me… He’s the kind of person who would even harm his own family.”
"Are you really going to make me get engaged to a guy like that?" I calmly posed the question to my mother.
The mother pondered for a moment.
This approach to conversation worked for her, and her impatient and resistant attitude towards communicating with me finally melted away.
She remained silent, her gaze flickering, her expression strange, clearly having long considered what, besides "love," could be a reason to restrain Illumi.
With Illumi's strength, he wouldn't take the Adrian, whom others feared, seriously, nor would he be afraid of the reprimands from his father Silva and mother Kikyo.
"...Of course I thought about that too." Then the mother said coldly, still not abandoning her judgment, "So from the beginning, my choice of him wasn't entirely based on his personal circumstances... The Zoldyck family has other children, right?"
She looked at me knowingly, her gaze sharp. I felt uncomfortable, stung by her eyes that seemed to see right through me.
"Illumi's biggest problem is that he is too controlling and possessive... There are some other factors as well. In short, if you want to join the Zoldyck family, you can only use him as an excuse first."
As she spoke, the mother seemed to recall something pleasant, and couldn't help but smile, the corners of her mouth turning up in a smile:
"By showing vulnerability at the right time and using your charm, you can use that guy as a stepping stone to get a better husband."
I was shocked.
I always thought my mother favored Illumi from beginning to end, but it turns out that in her eyes he was just a tool for platform leap.
...Also, I always thought she didn't care about me, but in reality, she seems to know much more about me than I imagined.
"This is too much..." Even though I had already glimpsed a corner of my mother's terrifying inner self, I was still terrified by the amount of information I had just received and didn't know how to evaluate it.
That's incredibly unethical.
But my mother seems to have never had any morals. She orchestrated her own marriage in the same way.
"What the heck?" Sure enough, unlike my shock, my mother was nonchalant, even quite happy to share her life lessons with me: "He has no one to blame but himself. If he were good enough, how could such a bad thing have happened?"
“You should know what I mean.” She gave me a meaningful look.
I felt my cheeks burning: "No, I'm not... interested in them either."
"Don't use vague terms like 'them' to cover it up. My ultimate target for you is only one person," the mother stated frankly. "It's true, I'm a little jealous. Kikyo has indeed met a good husband, but unfortunately, I don't click with him. However, at least one of his five children has inherited eighty percent of his good qualities... Grab that guy, Ray. Compared to Illumi's uncontrollable nature, that child is much more obedient and adorable, isn't he?"
"Or," she chuckled, her tone shifting abruptly, her eyes suddenly sharpening, "are you going to tell me some nonsense about not wanting to get married, wanting to achieve success in your career, and inheriting the family business?"
The negative impression I left on my mother over the years is hard to change.
Lady Adrian, with her masterful command, looked up at me condescendingly and scoffed:
"You simply don't have the magnanimity or the brains for that; you can't do it."
That secret, smug feeling of warmth, that her mother still cared for her, was suddenly doused with a bucket of cold water.
...Her protection of me was actually just another form of self-righteous contempt for me.
I suddenly understood why, on that night many years ago, she abandoned her parents and flew away alone, and why, for so many years afterward, I never heard her mention her hometown again.
She loves me, and she loves her father and mother, but the only person she loves most is herself.
She was always autocratic and only trusted her own judgment.
That's why I still feel pain even though she's doing it for my own good, and she'll never change that.
From the very beginning, I shouldn't have asked her for the love she couldn't give.
In this family, in the end, the only person I can rely on is myself.
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