Chapter 72

The next morning at half past eight.

I don’t know why the female insect stayed at home today, but maybe she had other plans. Yael didn’t care much and went into the study after breakfast.

Most of the books and materials in the study are in electronic form, which makes them easy to search and browse, but a small portion are in old paper form and neatly placed on the bookshelf.

Yael took out an ancient book from the bookshelf and sat down on the floor next to the corner of the bookshelf.

"Excuse me... do you need a cushion?"

A square hole appeared on the silver wall opposite, and a small machine with a round head and a round brain emerged. It blinked its big eyes and asked in a low voice nervously.

"No, thank you."

Yael chuckled and refused gently, and the machine went back into the wall reluctantly, and the small square door closed tightly.

It really feels like an elf in the mantel.

He sighed, opened the thick cover of the ancient book, read the preface at a glance, and with a slight movement of his fingertips, he turned the page to the first chapter of the main text.

The location here is very good. Although it is in a corner, there is a decorative stained glass window not far away, which is inexplicably different and yet fits in with this study. It is a very ancient and exquisite craftsmanship.

Every time around eight or nine o'clock, the sun would shine on it, casting a large area of ​​faint light and shadow on the open space in front of it, cutting a clear boundary between the two sides of the bookshelf.

“…”

Yael narrowed his eyes slightly, then realized that he had been staring at the first page for ten minutes and was still stuck on the first sentence.

My condition today is definitely not right, never mind... I'll just let it go for a while.

But before he could remain in a daze for long, he heard the sound of a door opening and closing gently not far away.

There was a sound of light footsteps, followed by a sharp click, and the footsteps stopped beside the desk.

Yael thought that Caesar needed the desk to process documents, but it took him a while to come to his senses. According to the distance, that was his desk, and the female insect's desk should be on the other side.

…

Time goes back ten minutes.

"Prepare the final documents as soon as possible and send them to me before noon."

After finishing the last urgent matter, Xize hesitated for a moment and finally dialed another number.

"When can you finish the thing I asked you to do last night?"

A hoarse bass voice came from the computer, sounding somewhat helpless. "I give up. Not only did you wake me up at four o'clock last night, but you also called me in the morning to urge me—"

"It's not a big deal. I'll give it to you tomorrow, okay?"

Xi Ze whispered a thank you, hung up the call, and rubbed his brow tiredly.

These trivial official duties were not so overwhelming that he could not cope with them. However, he almost did not sleep last night because he was holding the male insect in his arms. After thinking about it over and over again, he still could not be sure whether it was his hallucination.

On the other hand, he was also hesitating whether to tell the male insect about this and ask for an accurate answer... but asking directly was still a bit too embarrassing.

Not only for him, but also for Yael.

After pondering for a while and still coming to no avail, Caesar unconsciously raised his eyes and scanned the interior of the house with his sight.

——The living room and dining room were completely empty, with no sign of male insects.

A huge fear instantly gripped his heart, causing his pupils to shrink slightly. The hand holding the computer consciously exerted force and pressed a shallow pit on the smooth surface.

"...Hero Lord?"

Xize opened his mouth, his Adam's apple rolled violently for a moment, and he managed to squeeze out a hoarse low cry from his throat, "Hero!"

015, who was sweeping the floor with a loud bang, passed by and after hearing the sound, he poked his head out with some confusion.

"Are you looking for the host? I just saw him go into the study."

As if some bizarre nightmare had been pierced, Xi Ze quickly came to his senses and realized that he had overreacted. After whispering a thank you to 015, he hurried to the study.

However, when he walked quickly to the door, he suddenly stopped, took several deep breaths, adjusted his expression, and then walked in with a low voice.

The study is filled with simulated natural light, creating a comfortable little world no matter what the weather is like, but male insects still prefer to be close to real windows and sunlight.

A vague feeling came from the end of the mental tentacles, indicating that Yael was not far away from him. Xi Ze hesitated for a moment, but still walked towards that direction.

When passing by the male insect's desk, perhaps because he was too distracted, he didn't pay attention for a moment and tripped over a hard object.

With a crisp "click", a notebook fell to my feet, with the pages spread out.

What is this…?

Xize half-knelt down and tried to pick it up, but before his fingertips touched the notebook, he saw the contents clearly and froze in place for a moment.

It was the notebook of Yael's that he had come across by chance when he was in Etal.

From the moment I discovered that those characters did not belong to any race in this universe, the fuse of uneasiness had already been planted, but it had been suppressed and ignored and had never surfaced.

He once said that he didn't care where the male insects came from, nor would he ask about their shameful past.

But last night, when my arms suddenly felt empty, another deeper level of uneasiness suddenly came over me, giving rise to countless fears and unstoppable anxiety.

Yael suddenly appeared in the Zerg tribe, so will he disappear silently one day?

Only those memories and promises were left behind, leaving him in this vast universe, like evaporating water vapor, leaving no trace and impossible to find.

Or if one day, Yael needs to face the dilemma of going home or staying, will he choose to go home or stay with himself?

…These are questions that cannot be thought about in detail. Once you delve into them, you will fall into endless anxiety and suspicion, and even destroy this relationship that you have worked so hard to build.

Xize lowered his eyelashes, and his body, which had been still for a long time, suddenly moved. He picked up the notebook and put it back to its original place, then walked towards a corner not far away.

A piece of the male bug's clothes was exposed next to the bookshelf. He seemed to be sitting directly on the ground, with his hands pressed directly on the ground at his sides, and occasionally he would unconsciously spin his fingers in circles.

“…”

Yael was just daydreaming when he suddenly heard the rustling sound of clothes beside him. Then he felt the female insect sitting down on the other side of the bookshelf, just a small corner away from him.

He didn't say anything, and the female insect didn't say anything either. They just sat there quietly for a while.

"Hero Lord."

"Um?"

Yael responded subconsciously, still staring at the first line of words in a daze.

"Can you tell me what kind of world it is over there?"

The female insect didn't say it explicitly, but her implication was obvious. Yael had never expected Caesar to ask this, and he froze in place.

"ah……"

He then frowned in embarrassment, his eyes wandering blankly into the air. After a long while, he slowly said, "The world over there? Actually, there's nothing special about it."

After he was rescued, a large-scale genetic comparison was carried out. His origins were mysterious and his identity was questionable, which was actually something that many insects already knew.

But Yael kept insisting that he had lost his previous memory and knew nothing.

On the one hand, the existence of the earth is not easy to reveal, and on the other hand, the idea of ​​time travel is really unbelievable.

Even the technologically advanced Zerg have not yet discovered the secret of controlling time and space. Who knows if you tell others about it, you will be considered a hypochondriac or be arrested for research?

But...Xize is different.

If you tell other insects about it, they will think it is just fantasy, but the female insects will just believe it.

It's not because the facts themselves are convincing, but because it's him who is telling the story.

Thinking of this, Yael let out a breath and suddenly felt the urge to confide. "Since you want to listen, I'll just briefly explain it."

"In addition to the Zerg, there are various other species in this universe, but they are rarely seen. The species I was a part of before is very similar to the Zerg in appearance..."

He coughed softly. Since the Zerg could not say the word "human", and the female Zerg could not understand human language, she could only describe it to him as best as possible.

Having not mentioned that place for a long time, Yael thought the memory might have faded a little, but just like a wanderer who has not been home for several years, he can talk endlessly about the food and customs of his hometown.

He talked about everything from gender characteristics to social structure, and enumerated various customs and habits. After briefly talking about the big ones, he began to talk about the environment in which he lives, as well as some things from childhood to adulthood.

"The universities there are very different from those here. Let me tell you..."

The male insect next to me had completely forgotten about the ancient book on his knees. He fixed his eyes on one place and recalled it carefully. While he was talking, he tried to gesture with his hands. He seemed extremely focused and interested.

Even though he couldn't see his specific expression due to the angle and could only see his slightly trembling eyelashes, Xi Ze could still imagine the curve of his eyebrows and the extremely bright light in his eyes.

The distant and unfamiliar world that I had caught a quick glimpse of last night gradually became complete and vivid during the male insect's narration, filling up with concrete flesh and blood outlines.

Lively and warm.

This is the feeling that stands out when Yael tells the story.

But he knew that every world has a dark side, and every life contains various kinds of pain. There can be no perfect and lovely place.

But through the filter of memory, beautiful things become more prominent, and because of the unbearable longing, they become the unreachable white moonlight in the heart.

“…That’s great.”

Xi Ze's Adam's apple rolled for a moment, he swallowed down the sadness and responded softly.

For Yael, suddenly coming to the Zerg from there must have been a nightmare that he could not wake up from for a long time. It made him so desperate that he even wanted to commit suicide.

If given a choice, Yael would probably choose to go home without hesitation. His presence and attempts to keep him would probably only bring him trouble and more pain.

“有機會的話，我真想帶你去那邊看看，咳，你長得又高又帥，比起電視上的巨星也不逞多讓，走在街上回頭率肯定百分百！”

耶爾沒有注意到雌蟲的失落，順着往下想了一想，就覺得事情肯定很有趣，但又注意到一個關鍵問題，嘶了一聲。

“但你過去肯定是個黑戶，那樣有點難搞啊，我想想……”

“先不管這個，反正到那裏之後你可以和我一起住，弄好身份後再找一個工作，對你來說應該很簡單，然後我們就能一起上下班，平時輪流做飯，放假時去各種地方旅游……”

他帶着難言的喜悅規劃着不可能，卻如此美好而幸福的未來。

仿佛他們真的存在于另一個世界的一隅，一切戰争和麻煩都離得遠遠的，平淡、溫馨而自由地生活着，可以輕易攜手走過餘生。

難言的熱意湧上眼眶，心髒細微地悸動着，像是疼痛又像是喜悅，西澤深吸了一口氣，輕聲回應着耶爾的講述。

“是嗎？身份很難弄啊……”

“雄主是住在哪裏的？學校旁邊的房子确實不錯，上學很方便。”

“沒有戰争也沒有動蕩的黨争嗎？那邊的制度真好啊，帝國這麽多年就進化了科技，其他的如制度和社會形态等反而落後了。”

他們一句接着一句，并不着急，只是可以暢享的東西并不多，等熱烈的表象褪去，便再次沉澱為一片冷寂。

西澤猶豫了很久，還是忍不住低聲道，“雄主，如果有一天……您……”

但還沒等他磕絆地問出那個問題，耶爾就突然道，“我其實不喜歡呆在主星。”

雌蟲的聲音太小，他剛剛從興奮中回落，耳朵有些嗡嗡的，恰好沒聽清那一句試探的詢問。

“我不喜歡呆在主星。”

耶爾下意識重複了一句，而後擡起頭，看向不遠處的那扇窗，仿佛能透過那模糊的彩色琉璃，看到外面一望無際的天空。

他本來就是想一直呆在艾塔爾的，陰差陽錯才留了下來，後來一步接着一步走下來，等回過神時已經深陷泥濘，沒辦法脫身了。

餘光瞥到西澤按在地上的手緊攥成拳，手背青筋鼓起，似乎正在忍耐細微的顫抖，但雌蟲仍然沉默着，不再說一句話。

于是耶爾眼睫微顫，不再去看那窗了，視線自然而然地垂落到了懷裏的書頁上。

古籍陳舊而厚重，但因為保存得很好，仍然能清晰地看見上面的內容，和現在的文字有些不同，和那邊的文字更是相差了十萬八千裏。

他單是學習一門新的語言，就足夠困難和痛苦，一直到現在都還沒能熟練運用。

之前在艾塔爾碰面的一些蟲，都調侃說閣下說話怎麽文绉绉的，果然是從主星來的貴族呢，用的語法都很複雜。

但那只是因為他強行學會了書面語，遠比不上在這片土地上生活了幾十上百年的蟲運用得簡潔熟練。

“其實可能你也不明白吧，既然哪裏都感覺不适應，為什麽還要專門從繁華的主星跑到偏遠星球去，環境也差福利也低，根本沒這個必要。”

耶爾将屈起的膝蓋放下去，往後将腦袋輕磕在了書架上，想起當年不惜終止學業也要跑到艾塔爾的舉動，已經不太記得當時的心情。

“一方面那裏比較落後，很多東西都沒有更新換代，有些像我之前的家鄉。”

“另一方面你應該也能理解，就是主星的水太深了，太多暗潮洶湧的混亂，黨派明争暗鬥，貴族拉幫結派……直接牽扯到了我的第一次分化，後來還有無數麻煩，已經嚴重影響了正常生活。”

這次回主星一躍成為S級雄蟲，卻還能找到大塊時間躲清靜，其實已經很出乎他的意料。

想來應該是雌蟲擋在了面前，幫他處理掉了無數事情和麻煩。

但就算雌蟲拼命托舉着他，不想讓他陷入泥濘，那些冰冷的黑水也還是沒過了腰際，吞噬了半身的血肉。

所謂自由，只是更大、更奢華的黃金囚籠中的自由，但沒有白鳥不會向往無邊無際的天空，那是從靈魂中迸發的、最本真的渴望。

空氣中一時安靜，凝固到連一絲風都沒有。

……但他說這些，并不是想抱怨西澤擅自把他卷進風波裏，那本來也一點都怪不得雌蟲。

西澤已經做到了能做到的最好，給出了自己能給出的所有了。

耶爾伸出手，覆上了雌蟲緊攥的拳，将用力到發抖的手指一根根掰開，輕輕搓揉幾乎要被掐出血的手心。

“但我只是不太喜歡，并不代表我要離開。”

耶爾輕聲道，突然說起一件年代久遠，但始終記得很清楚的事。

“我很小的時候，大概是剛學走路的那段時間，即使學會了也很不願意站起來走，因為覺得腿很痛很不舒服。”

“現在想想應該是因為生了病，但媽媽也不怎麽懂，只是以為我偷懶不肯走，每次都用糖來引誘我走過去。”

“糖果很好吃，走路雖然很痛但是能忍耐，但是為了引導我多走幾步，我每次快走到的時候她都會往後退，又在我忍不下去快要哭之前，把糖塞到我嘴裏。”

後來那病好像自愈了，而他也沒有會拿着糖果，小心溫柔地引導他走幾步路的媽媽了。

他每次想起來，記得的都是那糖果的甜，那些痛苦早就模糊不清，只剩下一個大致的概念。

這世上到處都是痛苦，看不到純粹的希望和幸福。

就連陽光灑落的溫暖，和甜蜜的生活表象，都蒙着一層虛假的紗，只有痛苦如此真實，卻已經不再尖銳，仿佛變成了吞下毒藥毒發後的麻木。

他無比清醒地認識到，自己正在被異化，無可抑制地深陷泥濘，無力也無從逃脫命運的漩渦。

但對他來說，西澤就是那顆吊在前面，讓他心甘情願忍受痛苦，站起來跌跌撞撞去追逐的糖。

只要能一直含在嘴裏，就能被那甜味長久地滋養，懶得管這生活是痛苦還是無聊，是虛假還是真實了。

耶爾将那些感受仔細告訴西澤，繼而又道，“很抱歉剛才虛構了那麽多幻象，那讓你很痛苦吧，但其實只是一些白日夢罷了。”

“我不會有機會離開這裏……當然也不會擅自回到艾塔爾去。”

他輕聲道，“曾經我能抛開一切選擇逃避，現在卻有了不可割舍的牽挂，沒辦法再當縮在殼裏的蝸牛了。”

耶爾沒有動，雌蟲也沒有動，所以都看不到雙方的表情，餘光中卻能看到雌蟲擡起另一邊手捂住了眼睛，急促地深呼吸了幾下。

“你不用了解那邊的世界也沒關系，那本就和你無關，更不該從我的心結成為你的心結……太痛苦了，而且根本沒有意義。”

剛才他聽見的那一聲啪嗒，應該是自己的日記本被碰掉的聲音，雌蟲很可能已經看見了上面的內容，才會想要知道那些事。

但那些和西澤有什麽關系呢？

雌蟲每天都有繁重的工作，陷身于各種明争暗鬥中，但還是盡最大可能分出了心神在他身上，努力在各種地方照顧周到。

西澤沒有義務去分擔他的思念和痛苦，他也不想再用空虛、無聊、孤獨等等，這些生活中滋生的黑泥去過多煩擾雌蟲。

不是因為心存隔閡或不夠喜歡，只是因為心疼罷了。

“大概就是這樣啦。”

耶爾深吸了一口冰涼的空氣，并不為坦誠這些感到羞恥，或者說，有些話其實早就該說開了，其實都沒什麽的。

“有蟲告訴我，不要表現得太聽你的話，不然會被那些貴族雄蟲看不起，但是我一直覺得沒有什麽。”

他聳了聳肩，語調輕快，“但這裏既然是你的主場，便更适合當那個引導者和保護者。”

這嚴密的網牽一發而動全身，已經容不下更多的石破天驚——

“我首先做我該做的，然後再做我想做的。”

“我所求不多，只要我們能在一起，然後好好活着，就已經足夠了。”

只要平平安安就好了。

這個願望既簡單又艱難，自己和雌蟲都在為之努力，未來怎麽樣尚且不知，但其實也已經足夠了。

“有意義的……”

西澤終于放下捂着眼睛的手，清了清嗓子，聲音有些低啞地道，“那是有意義的。”

耶爾愣了一下，才回過神來雌蟲在回應那一句“根本沒有意義”的話，有些哭笑不得。

這反射弧也太長了吧。

他輕笑了一聲，卻也安靜下來等待西澤說出所謂的意義，手指下意識在雌蟲的手心裏畫圈圈，被那溫熱包裹時感到了莫名的安心。

今天沒有擁抱也沒有親吻，但好像已經不需要通過這種方式去确認對方的存在。

只是知道他坐在身邊，仍然呼吸清淺，心底就已經踏實地落下一塊。

Xi Ze tightened his palms, holding the fingers that kept scratching him, and thought of the question he hadn't asked just now. He opened his mouth, but still couldn't bear to break this warm atmosphere.

The male insect said that he would not leave again, but only under the premise that it was impossible to go back, and in the end he did not dare to ask - if he could choose, what would Yael do.

Perhaps fate is silent and has already arranged everything. All he can do is believe and wait.

Believe...the promise Yael had made came from the same love as his, waiting to be firmly chosen and favored, just as he had always done with the male insects.

Xize pulled up a bitter smile at the corner of his lips and lowered his eyes in panic, hiding the faint sadness in his eyes.

After a long silence, he suddenly whispered, "Master, can you teach me the language there?"

Yael was slightly startled.

The author has something to say:

There is a chapter next time. Um, babies can squat for a while (look left and right) (no sh) (make wheels with confidence)

Playing meme theater:

Y: Chinese is extremely difficult to learn.

X: How difficult is it? I don’t believe it.

Three days later——

Y: It’s Hello! Not Nihao!

X: It’s really hard. I believe it… (doubt about insect life.jpg)