Chapter 87
Hate always stems from love.
Shi Ziqian searched for Panpan all night, looking every corner of the school. Nothing, nothing at all.
As dawn broke, he went to the security room at the school gate to check the surveillance footage. Every corner of the school should be covered by surveillance cameras, but after watching all morning, he only saw Panpan running out of the apartment building in one shot.
It still had a long leash around its neck, trailing on the ground. After sniffing the lawn outside the apartment building, it quickly ran off again, disappearing from view. And then, no camera captured where it went.
Seeing his distraught appearance, the security guard on duty asked curiously, "What breed of dog did you lose?"
Shi Ziqian forced himself to stay alert and simply replied, "Chinese dog."
"Oh, a mongrel!" The security guard sighed knowingly. "That's not easy to find. Nobody would pick up a mongrel and raise it. If it ran away from the school and was found, it might be sold to a dog meat shop."
Shi Ziqian's heart sank. Panpan had been a stray dog for a long time; she was very agile and not easily caught. But today, she had run out dragging her leash, and if someone stepped on her…
Guilt, self-blame, and an unusual sense of bewilderment overwhelmed him in an instant.
A sour feeling welled up in his stomach, making him want to vomit, but unfortunately, he hadn't eaten or drunk anything for over ten hours, so he couldn't even vomit. He leaned against the wall outside the security room for a while to recover, and once he felt a little better, he walked towards the school gate.
He couldn't remember how long he had been looking for Panpan, only that he had been mechanically repeating to every passerby he encountered, "Have you seen a black dog?" and receiving a shake of the head from them again and again.
He went back to the apartment when it got dark again, hoping to see that Panpan had already gone home by herself and was waiting for him at the door.
But things didn't go as planned; the doorway was empty.
The last bit of disbelief in his heart slowly dissipated, and he finally had to admit that Panpan was really lost.
He didn't want to go inside, so he went downstairs alone and stood there in a daze at the bottom of the dormitory building. His phone vibrated, and when he picked it up, it was Shi Yuesheng calling again. Shi Ziqian hung up without hesitation.
Two minutes later, the phone vibrated briefly again; Shi Yuesheng had sent a text message.
"I heard she came back to handle the property disposal procedures, and maybe she won't come back after this. Think it over carefully, so you don't regret it later."
Shi Ziqian turned off the screen. He didn't have much of an emotional fluctuation, but he felt increasingly empty and lost, unable to find a foothold.
I hadn't slept or eaten for a day and a night, but my mind seemed even more exhausted than my body. My mind was dull and foggy; it felt like I couldn't even think anymore.
He walked alone along the road he had walked countless times before, when suddenly his hand touched something hard in his pocket. He took it out; it was his phone, which he had tossed into his pocket shortly after receiving a text message from Shi Yuesheng.
After staring at it for a while, he let out a sigh of relief and began typing:
Panpan is lost, what should I do...?
Select sender, and display the new moon.
Shi Ziqian paused for a moment with his finger on send, then suddenly put his phone away.
After selecting her name, it was as if his long-suppressed emotions had finally found an outlet, and he suddenly felt it wasn't enough. At that moment, texting wasn't enough, and neither was calling.
The moment that sudden thought arose in my mind, it became so intense that I couldn't suppress it at all.
He wanted to see her.
Right now, I don't want to wait even a second longer.
He started running as soon as he was a distance from the school gate.
Xu Shen sat at a table by the window in a restaurant, quietly gazing outside, his fingers tapping unconsciously on the table. Outside, the sky was dark, dark clouds churning, and a heavy rain was imminent.
In the afternoon, Zhan Xinyue sent him a text message with the restaurant's name and address, and he arrived on time.
A small bouquet of flowers sat on the corner of the table. Before leaving, his mother had said he should bring flowers when meeting girls. He thought about it for a long time, worried that the ambiguous connotations of flowers might be too strong and the other person wouldn't like it. In the end, he chose a few simple, delicate flowers and tied them up simply. That way, even if he didn't give them to her, they would look nice as decorations on the table.
If Zhan Xinyue notices and asks, he will say it was a gift from the restaurant.
Long after the appointed time had passed, and the waiter had refilled his tea three times, but Zhan Xinyue still hadn't appeared. Fortunately, the weather was bad today, and the restaurant wasn't very busy, so the waiter didn't bother to urge him.
He glanced at the time on his phone; it was well past the agreed-upon time. He felt a little like laughing, though he wasn't sure if he was laughing at himself or something else entirely.
When the waiter came forward one last time to refill his water, he shook his head and said, "No, thank you. I'd like to order."
He randomly pointed to a few dishes on the menu, not really having much of an appetite, but having sat there for so long, he couldn't just leave without ordering anything.
The waiter collected the menus and left. Just then, his phone rang. It was Zhan Xinyue calling, and he answered it immediately.
"Hey, Xu Shen, have you been waiting long?" Zhan Xinyue's voice was a little soft on the other end of the phone. "Sorry, I was delayed for a while."
"It's okay, I'm a little late too, I just got here a short while ago." Xu Shen sat up straighter and looked out the window. "It looks like it's going to rain. Did you bring an umbrella? Do you want me to come pick you up?"
Zhan Xinyue hesitated and said, "I'm sorry, it's getting late and it looks like it's going to rain again, so my family won't let me go out."
"Oh." Xu Shen stared at the table, his tone unchanged. "It's alright, we can talk about it another time. I'll head back now."
"Wait a minute." Zhan Xinyue called out to him, "How about this, you come find me downstairs at my house? I can sneak down for a while."
Shi Ziqian had driven Zhan Xinyue home once, but he hadn't taken her all the way to her building, so he didn't know her exact building number and could only remember the general location.
He took a taxi to the entrance of her residential complex and followed the route he had taken when he dropped her off last time. When he arrived at the place where they had parted, he walked in the direction she had left, relying on his memory, and took out his phone again, intending to call her.
Autumn nights come much earlier than summer nights, and it was already completely dark. The streetlights along the neighborhood road came on, and behind their glow, the tall apartment buildings were already filled with the sounds of cooking fires. A heavy rain was approaching, and the wind rustled the branches of the trees lining the road.
He strode forward, his hand already rapidly typing Zhan Xinyue's number. Just as he was about to press the button, he glanced up and saw Zhan Xinyue's figure below a building not far in front of him.
She was wearing a white silk coat, which made her look a little thin standing in the wind.
Before she could even relax for a moment, he saw the boy standing opposite her again.
"I'm so sorry about what happened before," Zhan Xinyue apologized to Xu Shen. "I really feel bad about it."
Xu Shen asked calmly, "Did you ask me out just to talk about this?"
"No matter what, I should apologize to you first. I know you were upset when I caused you to be criticized and punished by the teacher."
“Those are nothing,” Xu Shen said, paused for a few seconds, and then slowly continued, “but that period was indeed quite difficult.”
“During those days, I would lie in bed every day thinking about why I seemed to be unable to do anything well, and why everything I did was wrong. I kept doubting myself.”
"Are you feeling any better now?" Zhan Xinyue asked cautiously.
"To be honest?" Xu Shen chuckled self-deprecatingly, "It doesn't seem to be that good."
"I'm sorry, I really didn't expect things to turn out this way... Sometimes I wonder why I did that that day, I can't figure it out. I just know that I was surrounded and being egged on by everyone, and my mind went blank. I had no idea what to do, I just wanted to get everyone to stop as soon as possible."
When Zhan Xinyue spoke, she lowered her head deeply, and the stray hairs at her temples fell down, covering most of her eyes.
Xu Shen's fingers twitched; he really wanted to help her brush her hair up, but he held back.
"It's okay, blame me if you want. Anyway, everyone says I'm a bad person, don't you think so too?" Zhan Xinyue said in a low voice, her head down, her voice so soft it almost dissipated into the air.
After hesitating for a long time, Xu Shen shook his head slightly: "No."
"Really?"
"Um."
"Actually, I was very worried about you during the time you took a leave of absence. Everyone said you might be expelled. I... thankfully, you came back in the end." She seemed a little embarrassed as she said this, and quickly shook her head. "Never mind, let's not talk about this anymore, it's pointless."
"Actually, I just want to ask you one question." Zhan Xinyue raised her eyes, looking at him, a small glimmer of light appearing in them, "Do you... still like me?"
Xu Shen remained silent.
After a long silence, Zhan Xinyue's eyes gradually dimmed again.
“I understand,” she said softly. “Just pretend I didn’t say anything. I’m going back.”
She turned and left, her long hair tied into a ponytail that hung down to her waist, swaying gently behind her with her movements.
Xu Shen stared intently at the swaying strands of hair, and for a moment he suddenly found it hard to distinguish between memory and reality.
He first met Zhan Xinyue at Xiao Chao's place in school. Although so many people in school would bump into each other all the time, and many of them had probably seen each other before, he and Zhan Xinyue had likely seen each other many times without either of them noticing. But it was only after that meeting that she truly left an impression on him.
His meal card malfunctioned and wouldn't work, so she swiped it for him. Without giving him a chance to thank her, she waved to him dismissively and left without looking back.
It was a very ordinary encounter; the two didn't even exchange a single word, yet he remembered it for a long time.
That's how he watched her from behind back then. He caught a glimpse of her as they passed each other, and her face at that moment is no longer clear in his mind. He can only clearly remember her back. Her hair, hanging down to her waist, swayed and swayed, and it swayed into his heart.
A few days later he learned her name: Zhan Xinyue.
It's a beautiful name, just like her.
She was like a crescent moon in the sky, shining brightly, unattainable, and always hanging in his heart.
"I like it," Xu Shen said softly.
As Zhan Xinyue paused and turned to look at him, Xu Shen repeated clearly, "I like it."
I like it, I've always liked it.
He had felt down, heartbroken, and doubted himself because of her. He had also been angry and ashamed by her heartlessness. In the end, all his emotions turned into deep self-loathing for the fact that she disliked him.
But liking something is liking it, and he's willing to be a moth drawn to a flame.
He thought he would never presume to tell her he liked her again, but at this moment, he couldn't help but open his heart a crack, wanting to invite her in to take a look.
Zhan Xinyue's eyes slowly curved into a smile.
She laughed and laughed until tears almost streamed down her face.
Xu Shen grew increasingly awkward amidst her laughter, until he saw her pull out her phone, hold it up, and pause for two seconds in front of his face.
"What are you doing?" he couldn't help but ask.
“Take a picture to remember this,” Zhan Xinyue said. “You know, your serious expression just now was hilarious. I have to send it to Xie Wanzhi. Oh, right, I forgot to mention, I made a bet with Xie Wanzhi a few days ago. Guess what it was?”
A cool breeze seeped into her through the crack in her heart. Xu Shen stared at her, then slowly took a step back. "I don't want to know."
“She’s standing up for you, saying I treated you terribly.” Zhan Xinyue was still laughing. “I told her, so what? No matter what I’ve done to you, as long as I beckon you with my finger, you’ll immediately come crawling back like a dog.”
"So you called me here today just to humiliate me on purpose?" Xu Shen swayed slightly and asked in a low voice, "Is it fun to toy with other people's feelings like this?"
“That’s interesting.” Zhan Xinyue nodded. “After all, who doesn’t like playing with dogs? Besides, I didn’t say anything wrong. Even after what I did to you, you still came over. Xu Shen, you’re really shameless.”
Yes, he's really despicable. Everyone already knew that Zhan Xinyue disliked him, but he still came to the appointment with high hopes, and just now he said that ridiculous thing in front of her again.
Sure enough, he was once again stripped of everything, including his dignity. Xu Shen, you're truly despicable, and you deserve it.
Xu Shen stood there without moving for a long time before asking in a low voice, "Am I really that bad? I just like you, why are you doing this to me..."
By the end, he couldn't utter a single word; he could only slowly clutch his school uniform to his chest with one hand, his body arching like a shrimp.
"Like?" Zhan Xinyue said, "But I don't like you. I didn't like you before, I don't like you now, and I will never like you in the future. And your liking is completely worthless to me."
"You don't like me, is it because you already have someone you like?" Xu Shen asked, but his tone was flat, as if he were just stating a fact.
Zhan Xinyue coldly replied, "It doesn't seem to have anything to do with you."
Xu Shen seemed not to hear him and continued muttering, "It was Shi Ziqian, right?"
"So what if I like him or not?" Zhan Xinyue scoffed. "Xu Shen, asking such a question is incredibly presumptuous of you. This isn't something you should be concerned about at all. How can you even compare to him?"
Zhan Xinyue listed them off one by one: "Appearance? Family background? You can't even match his grades. Thinking about it this way, Xu Shen, why are you so useless? How heartless can you be to live such a high-profile and flamboyant life?"
"Xu Shen, I don't like you simply because there's absolutely nothing about you that's likable."
After uttering those final words, Zhan Xinyue turned and left in a deathly silence, disappearing into the stairwell.
Xu Shen remained silent, head bowed, laughing until tears streamed down his face. Without looking up, he turned and walked slowly out of the residential area, his head still drooping. He walked very slowly; his already thin body seemed to have shrunk even further recently, swaying precariously in his coat like a lifeless piece of wood.
As the autumn wind swept by, Zhan Xinyue, who should have gone upstairs, came out again and leaned against the entrance of the building, staring at his back.
The disdain she had shown when talking to Xu Shen earlier had faded, and now only a deep weariness remained on her face.
Zhan Xinyue thought to herself: Xu Shen, it must feel terrible to have your sincerity trampled on, but how does it compare to your past self?
But the expected sense of triumph did not materialize; instead, I felt only a sense of bewilderment and helplessness, like trying to find a lost sword by marking the boat.
She couldn't help but wonder: if parallel worlds really exist, what is Xu Shen doing in the other world where she has already left? Perhaps he has already naturally married Xie Wanzhi, and the three of them are living a happy life.
But as she went through it all again, she seemed to be convinced of only one thing: Xu Shen really liked her when he was young.
As a young man, Xu Shen's temperament was as fiery as the blazing sun, unrestrained and composed. He was always smiling before speaking, and was positive, energetic, and fearless at all times. This was also true of his feelings for her; he never hid them, never hesitated, and openly and frankly gave her his whole heart.
The silent, pained boy before her bore no resemblance whatsoever to the flamboyant Xu Shen of her memories. The Xu Shen who existed in her memory seemed to have completely vanished. It was as if she had personally killed that Xu Shen.
She harbored a deep resentment and wanted to get revenge on him, but all she did seemed to have no real meaning other than repeatedly bringing back those painful memories.
I'm so tired, so very tired.
A clap of thunder echoed across the sky, and the motion-activated lights in the stairwell immediately switched on. The orange-yellow light illuminated her face and her lifeless, tired eyes.
Shi Ziqian leaned against a tree trunk beside the green belt, quietly gazing in that direction, his hands in his pockets. He hadn't thought of cigarettes when Panpan lost them, nor when Shi Yuesheng texted him, but now he kept thinking about why he hadn't brought a pack of cigarettes with him.
He was very familiar with what Zhan Xinyue had just said. He had heard such extremely insulting language countless times when Zhu Sheng and Shi Yuesheng were arguing when he was a child.
Those fragments of memory that were so distant that they were almost imperceptible resurfaced clearly in his mind. They were the times when Zhu Sheng and Shi Yuesheng argued, using the most hurtful words to stab each other in the heart, but after the argument ended, they sat on opposite sides of the sofa, silently shedding tears.
He suddenly understood.
How could there be hatred without a cause? He clearly knew all along that Zhan Xinyue felt differently about Xu Shen, yet he still deceived himself by believing that she genuinely disliked Xu Shen because of her attitude towards him, always thinking that he still had a chance. In the long future, perhaps one day he could enter her heart. But he forgot that powerful hatred always springs from love.
Without love, there is only indifference.
He knew this all along, didn't he? In fact, the so-called opportunities and future never existed.
A few seconds later, the motion-activated light inside the apartment building door went out, and Zhan Xinyue's figure once again became indistinct in the darkness.
The faint light reflected in Shi Ziqian's eyes from the lamp went out.
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