Yu Jingchen understood the Empress Dowager's implied meaning and remained silent.
"However, your decision to learn martial arts when you were young wasn't solely due to me. You insisted on going, and I couldn't stop you. You said you could persevere, but you only lasted two days. You complained that your whole body ached and cried so bitterly, saying you didn't want to practice anymore, so I told you you didn't need to continue," the Empress Dowager continued.
"Our Yun'er has always been a delicate and fragile little girl, and everyone who sees her wants to protect her." The Empress Dowager pinched Nan Zhiyun's little face, making some people extremely envious and jealous.
"But it's all your father's fault, he really did train you." The Empress Dowager said, glancing at Nan Su with a hint of reproach.
Nan Su felt innocent and said with a smile, "Wasn't that just to make her realize the truth? How could she possibly persevere in the way she is?"
"Father, is it alright for you to say that?" Nan Zhiyun rarely showed this side of herself in public.
"That's right, they didn't even bother to save face for our Yun'er. Look how embarrassed she is," the Empress Dowager joked. But Nan Zhiyun became even more shy upon hearing this. Yu Jingchen watched this harmonious scene and felt a pang of sadness in his heart, though he couldn't quite put his finger on why.
He picked up a glass of wine. At this moment, he felt more like an outsider. He felt sorry for Nan Zhiyun, for the Nan family, and perhaps... for the Empress Dowager as well.
They seem so good now. Nan Zhiyun is happy, and they're all smiling so brightly. But in the end, in her previous life, Nan Zhiyun died in her own arms, covered in blood. She was afraid of pain, and it must have really hurt her then, but she never cried out. She was barely twenty when she passed away. Just as the Empress Dowager said, she was pampered and spoiled, a little girl in a honey pot who tasted all the bitterness.
Then there's Nan Zhiyun's father, Nan Su, a so-called pillar of the state, a Grand Marshal and Protector of the Nation in his previous life, wielding immense military power. A founding hero, he later fought alongside the late emperor in battles across the land, a young and valiant figure, devoted to his country. But in the end, he could only watch his only daughter sleep eternally before him. He guarded the borders for years, but never managed to say a single word to his daughter before she passed away.
He said he hoped to be surrounded by his children and grandchildren, but at the moment he relinquished his military power, he must have felt resentment. He was devoted to his country, but in this country, he lost his only flesh and blood relative.
He only refrained from rebellion out of loyalty and righteousness, for it was for the honor of the Nan family and the reputation of his mentor. A white-haired man burying a black-haired one—his daughter's appearance was frozen in time, no longer aging, but his hair had turned white. Overnight, the once majestic general became an old man. He died at his daughter's grave; was that moment a release?
As for the Empress Dowager… she treated Nan Zhiyun as her own daughter, cherishing her since childhood. But she could only watch helplessly as her little girl plummeted from her lofty pedestal, sinking deeper into the mire. She could only blame herself and him. The Empress Dowager… everyone used to say that Nan Yin, the daughter of General Nan, was a woman of great talent and valor, the most noble lady in Yuan Kingdom, so proud. But in the end, she was trapped in this deep palace, suffering greatly and enduring much hardship because she lacked strategic acumen.
She might even be unable to have children forever. They had said that because she raised him, she gave up her already slim chance of conceiving and resolutely drank the infertility-inducing medicine in front of everyone. She was very strict with herself… He had always thought that was just how she was, because in his eyes, his mother was strict with everyone and rarely smiled. It wasn't until he met Nan Zhiyun that he realized his mother could also be so gentle.
Later... someone told him that his mother didn't like him at all, and only used him as a pawn. After all, he wasn't her biological son, and besides, the Nan family was at the height of its power at that time...
But now that I think about it, if I really treated myself as a pawn, then why was I so strict with myself? Why did I personally teach myself so many things? Why did I drink that potion that would kill me? Why did I put all my hopes and efforts on myself?
He felt conflicted. His mother used to be very strict. If he did something wrong, she would beat or punish him as she should. But that was when he was a child. After he grew up, around thirteen or fourteen years old, she stopped beating or punishing him much.
But besides all that... he seemed to remember that she was there when he was sick, she was there when he was injured, she would tell him to wear more clothes when it was cold, and she would have hot water, dry clothes, and ginger soup prepared if he got caught in the rain. She knew his preferences, knew his birthday, and also knew... that he had started to dislike her, so she became indifferent and truly became the Empress Dowager, just like his title.
Yu Jingchen didn't know what he was feeling; he was just overwhelmed with mixed emotions. The wine today tasted incredibly bitter. At this lively New Year's Eve banquet, everyone was surrounded by companions, laughing and chatting, drinking and reveling. Only he sat there, high and lonely, feeling cold and isolated. He truly was an emperor, out of place in this world. The only person who had ever shown him warmth was drifting further and further away, destroyed by his own hands. Was it really too late?
After downing another glass of cold wine, Xinglai couldn't bear to watch any longer.
"Your Majesty, you've already drunk quite a bit of wine tonight. It's cold, so please take care of your health," Xinglai reminded him.
"Nothing is colder than the human heart. My heart was cold before... and it is still cold now." Before, I was cold-blooded, cold-hearted, and cold-emotional; now, I truly feel cold.
The Empress Dowager noticed the commotion on Yu Jingchen's side, but said nothing. Wasn't this the most normal thing to do? She had clearly told him that it's lonely at the top, but he not only didn't care, but also personally shielded himself from the only warmth of the sun. The wind and snow were heavy; was he really making it smoothly on his own?
The Empress Dowager withdrew her gaze, looked at Nan Zhiyun with loving eyes, and gently stroked Nan Zhiyun's head. Everything seemed to be going according to plan. It was alright, things would take their time. One day, she would ensure that her Yun'er received everything she desired, living the most peaceful, happiest, and warmest days. As for Yu Jingchen… he would also bear everything he had to bear. Some things, if taken a wrong turn, needed to be learned from.
After all, she had been his mother before, so she didn't mind teaching him one last time, as if it were the last time she would teach him about cause and effect, and about taking responsibility independently...
The Empress Dowager's gaze gradually deepened...
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