Chapter 72. [Revised] "As long as He Yan needs me,..."
Before Wen Xue could react, He Yan walked out of the room, his broad figure quickly disappearing into the corridor, and the sound of his steady footsteps on the floor fading into the distance.
She lowered her gaze, staring at the hole burned by a cigarette butt on the carpet by the door.
After a while, she was startled awake by the sound of laughter coming from another room. She hurriedly went into her room, locked the door, and absentmindedly brushed her teeth and washed her face. The water pressure in the small hotel was very low, and it was a slow, drizzling process. It took her a long time to recover from the steam, which made her cheeks flushed. After taking a hot shower, she felt much more energetic.
She was all alone in the narrow room.
She began to regret it; she should have at least listened to him and tried her luck in the city.
Thinking of this, she found her phone in her down jacket pocket, opened her chat with him, and sent a message: "How about we go to the city center?"
Although this made her seem unpredictable, she didn't want him to spend the night in her car.
He replied: "No need, the snow is likely to get heavier, and it's not safe to drive at night."
She didn't feel cold in the room; the heating was on full blast, and she wasn't cold even wearing just a thin nightgown. Upon seeing the message, she hurried to the window, pulled back the heavy curtains, and was greeted by a strong smell of dust.
Night had fallen, and she struggled to open the window a crack, the soft rustling of snowflakes drifting in.
Looking down, she could see the familiar car. He had probably moved the car to a place where he could hear her if she called out the window, just to put her mind at ease.
Wen Xue watched quietly for a while, then got dressed, grabbed her phone and the room key he had left on the table, quietly opened the door and left the room. She went downstairs to the front desk, where the owner was sitting by the fire, eating sunflower seeds and watching a drama. When he saw her coming, he pressed the pause button on the screen and asked with a smile, "Is there something you need?"
"Is anyone checking out now?" Wen Xue asked expectantly.
The boss was amused by her words, "Normally, people would check out late at night, but not today with this weather."
Wen Xue was extremely disappointed.
If her room had a twin room, she wouldn't hesitate to let He Yan sleep there.
But it just so happens to be a double room, as if fate is playing a cruel joke on us.
"Could you give me an extra blanket?" Worried that the shopkeeper would refuse, she quickly replied, "I can pay extra."
The shopkeeper waved his hand: "It's not about whether I pay more or not. I need to go see if I have any extra blankets. If I do, I'll give them to you. If not, there's nothing I can do."
"This is troublesome."
The shopkeeper took a sip of water, got up, and went elsewhere. Wen Xue patiently stood at the front desk, curiously looking around. After a few minutes, the shopkeeper came back, panting, carrying a quilt. "Here, take this to your brother quickly."
Upon hearing the words "your brother," a hint of sadness flashed in Wen Xue's eyes.
Rather than saying it's awkward, it's more accurate to say that this is a true reflection of their current relationship.
She knew very well that He Yan wasn't explaining to the boss; he was telling her that in order to maintain the existing relationship, he wouldn't take a step forward or ask for anything. All she needed to do was pretend she didn't know anything, just like she did during the National Day holiday, and simply cooperate with him.
If this were a play, they would be the actors, and they would also be the audience.
It's actually meaningless.
But that's life; people will always willingly do things that seem meaningless.
"Thank you." Wen Xue came back to her senses, hugged the quilt, and kept thanking her.
The boss chuckled: "Your brother looks to be in great shape; he'll be fine spending the night in the car."
Wen Xue smiled and nodded. Watching the snowflakes falling from the sky, she was afraid they would wet the blankets, so she simply unzipped her down jacket and tried to cover them with the blankets. She then pulled her hat up and walked out of the hotel. After walking a dozen meters, she stopped in front of the car. The snowflakes fell on her eyelashes and melted quickly.
She bent down and gazed at the people inside the car through the window, which was covered with a layer of condensation.
He Yan adjusted the seat angle, lowered the backrest, and casually lay back.
I don't know if he was asleep or resting with his eyes closed.
She traced his strong features with her eyes, her gaze softening as she gently tapped on the car window. Hearing the sound, he opened his eyes abruptly, only to meet her gaze. She gestured for him to unlock the car.
He Yan thought something had happened to her, so he immediately rolled down the car window. His cold expression melted when he saw the blanket she was holding. "The car has the heater on, I'm not cold."
She ignored him, opened the car door, and shoved the blankets into his hands.
Caught off guard, he had no choice but to take the pile and put it in the back seat.
She wanted to talk to him, to have an open conversation. After delivering the blankets, she didn't rush to leave. She sat in the passenger seat. The snowy night was empty and quiet, so quiet that it seemed like there were only the two of them in the world. She looked at him and smiled gently.
"Is it too noisy to sleep?" he asked.
She didn't know how bad the soundproofing of the small hotel was, but didn't he?
"No," she shook her head. "Actually, I haven't been sleeping well these past few days, and neither have you, right?"
He Yan paused, his smile fading as he silently gazed at her, as if suppressing some kind of emotion.
Then, he nodded calmly.
To be precise, he hadn't had a good night's sleep for many days. Even when he did fall asleep, he would always dream about his younger brother and her. Reality and illusion intertwined. The most absurd time was when he dreamed that he had become his younger brother.
He was He Heng, who fell in love not long after the start of his first year of high school.
He sat in the same classroom with her, did experiments with her, picked her up from school, and took her home after school.
He could simply grab a stick and protect her from being bullied.
He was almost lost in his dream, unwilling to wake up from the illusion, until she gently called him: "He Heng, He Heng."
He frowned and corrected her: "I am He Yan, He Yan."
She chuckled softly: "Silly boy, you are He Heng, He Heng."
In an instant, he felt as if he had fallen into an ice cave, and quickly regained his senses.
He is not He Heng, he is He Yan. Even when she first got close to him, it was because of He Heng. When she hugged and kissed him, she thought he was He Heng.
“There’s something I lied to you about, and I want to confess now.” She turned her gaze to the car window, her voice ethereal in the night. “Do you remember the watch he gave me? I told you it was broken and could never be fixed. The watch wasn’t broken; I just put it away.”
Ironically, while she kept the watch He Heng had given her, He Yan gave her another one.
It turns out that many things have clues, but she was too slow to see them back then.
He Yan suddenly looked at her, his brows furrowed. "It's not broken?"
He immediately recalled her unusual behavior that night. It turned out that she wasn't feeling unwell; she had just woken up and was overwhelmed by the memories of everything that had happened, unable to accept or bear it.
She didn't answer the question, but continued, "I don't know what you were thinking back then, and I don't really understand, but I was already prepared for you to leave me. During that time, you were hot and cold—" She paused, "I thought you were in a difficult position, that you were hesitant, so I said I didn't want to bother you anymore."
That kiss after getting drunk became a thorn in my side.
If you pull it out, it will bleed; if you leave it stuck in your flesh, it will hurt from time to time.
When she smelled the perfume on the supervisor, her mind went blank, but at the same time she felt relieved because she could finally make up her mind to accept another separation in her life.
He Yan was silent for a moment, then asked, "Do you want to hear my explanation?"
His hot-and-cold behavior, his indecisiveness, were all because of one person from beginning to end. No one else, never.
Wen Xue shook her head. "I know everything now."
Neither of them was doing well; if his suffering was conscious, hers was a state of semi-conscious suffering.
There were some things she thought she would never say in her life. Perhaps it was too quiet at the moment, but she took a deep breath and calmly revealed the deepest secret hidden in her heart: "He Yan, whether you believe it or not, for me, if I had mistaken you for someone else and completely thought you were him, I would not have remembered anything about that night."
She drank quite a bit that day and felt very dizzy, as if she were walking on clouds.
If it weren't for the slightest, even a second's, doubt in her heart, she would have believed the lies He Yan had woven for her.
He Yan's breath hitched, but his heartbeat quickened uncontrollably, vibrating like a drum in the quiet carriage.
He seemed to understand the meaning behind her words, but not quite.
Does that mean that for at least one second that night, she didn't mistake him for He Heng?
“…He Yan,” she whispered, her voice trembling slightly, “I don’t know what to do either.”
Her mind was in turmoil, and her heart was even more confused.
How could this happen? She knew that one day she would let go of He Heng, and her feelings for him would fade. Another person might appear in her life, and he would treat her very well. She would slowly fall in love with him, and they would be very happy. But she never thought that person would be his brother.
He Yan's violent heartbeat gradually calmed down after hearing those words.
He awkwardly turned to look out the car window. For a moment, he wanted to pull her into his arms without thinking, something he had wanted to do for a long time. But when he raised his hand and saw her vulnerable face, all his impulses seemed to be frozen, leaving him unable to move.
Why does he keep pressuring her?
He knew better than anyone how difficult her life was.
“Then leave it to me.” After a moment, he regained a sliver of reason. “I promise, nothing will change. It will be the same as before.”
Wen Xue was momentarily dazed.
She knew it was impossible, but she had no other choice but to believe him.
"Is it good?" he asked.
She lowered her eyelashes, nodded almost imperceptibly, and said, "Okay."
Getting the answer he wanted didn't bring He Yan the relief he had imagined. Only now did he realize that what he wanted wasn't just for her to stay by his side for the rest of her life; he wanted so much more.
But he could no longer show it.
"Stop lying to me." He suddenly blurted out these words, easing the silence in the car.
Wen Xue smiled and said, "Mm."
He Yan stared at her for a moment, unsure whether it was out of genuine insecurity or to cheer her up. He took out his phone, unlocked it, and awkwardly found the recording function before giving it to her, saying, "Record a promise for me."
Wen Xue stared at him in astonishment. The two looked at each other, and she chuckled, all the hesitation and vulnerability she had shown when revealing her true feelings disappearing.
She smiled and took the phone, pressed the record button, and after a few seconds of silence said, "We all need to be okay now, we can talk about the future later."
After finishing speaking, the recording ended.
He Yan frowned, not quite satisfied, and pressed his advantage, "No, let's try again."
Wen Xue: "..."
Her eyes were filled with a helpless smile. She had originally wanted to say that he was naive, but then she remembered that she had glanced at his ID when checking him in, and she had a more real sense that he was not yet twenty-six years old.
He might not be able to handle their relationship well, but she couldn't refuse, nor did she want to.
Press the record button again.
This time she remained silent for a long time, gripped her phone tightly, and said earnestly, "As long as He Yan needs me, I will be there."
He Yan's gaze faltered slightly as he stared intently at her in the dimly lit carriage, unaware of how focused his gaze was.
His face showed restraint.
His eyes, however, were filled with longing for her.
One sentence was enough to utterly defeat him.
She finished recording, casually locked the screen and handed it back to him, asking, "Is this okay?"
He nodded restrainedly: "Okay."
Wen Xue felt the temperature inside the car and reached out to check the air vent, partly to change the subject and partly out of concern for him, "Won't you catch a cold sleeping in the car like this?"
"It's okay, don't worry, I'm used to it." He said nonchalantly, holding his phone and rubbing it. If she weren't still in the car, he would have liked to listen to her recorded messages a few more times.
He casually said he was used to it, but she felt very uncomfortable.
Occasionally, she would glean glimpses of his past life from his words, and her heart would ache.
He has suffered too much.
"Did you stay in hotels like this when you were driving trucks? I saw several trucks parked on the side of the road."
“How could that be?” He laughed too, laughing at her for being silly. “Even the cheapest hotel room costs tens of dollars a night. Sleeping in a car doesn’t cost a penny. Who would book a room for no reason?”
The atmosphere suddenly froze.
He Yan gritted his teeth: "That's not what I meant."
“I mean,” he said, choosing his words carefully, “others stay in hotels when they have something to do, but I stay in my car when I don’t.”
Wen Xue tried her best to suppress her laughter.
She felt she was right; many of life's difficulties were nothing more than this. When he found her a few days ago, she did feel dizzy and disoriented, but that feeling was gradually fading, and it seemed that overcoming this hurdle wasn't so difficult after all.
He Yan was still racking his brains: "I usually only stay in hotels when there is extreme weather; otherwise, I just stay in my car all night..."
Wen Xue was still trying not to laugh, but she believed everything he said. He Heng had mentioned to her more than once how hard her older brother worked to make a living, and how he would try to spend every dollar as if it were ten dollars.
When she came to He Yan's side, she was also surprised by his "extravagant spending". He seemed to be different from the brother He Heng had mentioned.
Looking back now, this is the complete, real He Yan. He doesn't care much about himself, but he always gives his all to the people he loves.
She glanced at the time on the central control screen and interrupted his clumsy explanation: "It's getting late, I'm going upstairs to rest. You should be careful in the car, or else—"
Given their current fragile relationship, it's inappropriate for them to share a room, but they can take turns coming, like driving on the highway.
She slept in her room for the first half of the night and in her car for the second half.
In this way, they can all get a few hours of restful sleep.
"No." He knew her too well; he could guess what she was going to say next. Reverting to his brotherly role, he said sternly, "Stop thinking about those things. Go upstairs and get some sleep, understand?"
Before she could answer, he softened his tone and said, "Come on, I'll take you upstairs. Once you're back in your room, don't come out at night. Like I said, you don't know the area well, so if you need anything, just call out from the window."
Wen Xue looked helpless.
He transformed back into the assertive He Yan, speaking words she knew very well, yet she felt incredibly safe.
…
The two entered the hotel again. He led her to the front desk, and the leisurely owner, seeing his cold and stern demeanor, spat out the sunflower seed shells in his mouth and took the initiative to greet him: "Is there something you need, boss?"
"Get a pair of earplugs, we'll settle it together tomorrow," He Yan said.
The boss yanked open the drawer. Wen Xue looked away, but He Yan, with his height advantage, easily spotted the messy contents: deposit slips, cash, lighters, betel nuts, cigarettes, and conspicuous condoms.
He Yan looked away and subtly raised his leg, blocking her view.
I don't want her to see these things.
The shopkeeper rummaged around and found a pair of sleep earplugs. He took them and handed them to Wenxue, instructing her, "Make sure to close the doors and windows when you sleep. If anyone makes noise, wear earplugs."
Wen Xue put the earplugs in her palm and nodded with a smile.
The boss looked up and secretly observed the "brother and sister." The more she looked, the more interesting she found it. With her sharp eyes, she could tell that the brother was not a brother and the sister was not a sister. There was clearly affection in their eyes when they looked at each other, but one of them was more affectionate than the other.
After saying thank you, He Yan and Wen Xue walked side by side up the stairs to the second floor to return to their room.
The walls weren't soundproof; you could hear the noisy television from other rooms as you walked down the hallway. He stopped at the door, his tall, broad figure blocking most of the light. "Go to sleep early, I'm downstairs."
"good."
She swiped her room card and went inside, then closed the door at his signal.
He didn't notice that no light was coming through the crack in the door; she had forgotten to insert the room card into the slot, and the entire room was pitch black. She leaned wearily against the door; the words she had spoken in the car had exhausted all her strength and courage.
Exhausted, she slowly squatted down.
She doesn't know what the future holds, so she can only rely on her instincts to walk the path she's on in the present.
Whether it's right or wrong, she can no longer care.
Outside the door.
The relaxed expression on He Yan's face vanished. He leaned against the door expressionlessly, looking up at the low-wattage light bulb above him. It was hard to imagine that even in the cold winter, a small flying insect was chasing the light.
He looked away, unlocked his phone, turned the volume down to the lowest setting, and held it to his ear to listen to the recordings she had made, his eyebrows slightly raised.
That's settled then.
As long as she promises not to leave him, that's fine.
That night, Wen Xue tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep. The room was very warm, and she felt her breath was burning hot. Several times she threw off the covers, got out of bed, and went to the window to look at the jeep in the snowy night, struggling with longing.
Is he asleep?
What is he doing?
Long before she even realized it, He Yan, this person, this name, had silently occupied most of her life. To remove him would be immense pain for both of them. If only she were in pain, she could endure it.
Downstairs in the car, He Yan turned off the engine, left a crack in the window, covered himself with the blanket she had brought, and listened to the recording over and over again, his phone battery going from full to half, and then getting hot.
His phone is full of pictures of her.
The password is her birthday, the wallpaper is her photo, and it holds her whispered secrets.
"I will be there as long as He Yan needs me."
He slowly stroked her image on the screen with his thumb, thinking, "Then never leave me."
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