Chapter 60 No Regrets, Willingly
Shen Zhiwei’s footsteps paused.
Young Master?
This name...
She slowly turned around and looked at the person sleeping on the bed. Xiao Wangqing's brows were still furrowed, his lips were pale, and his breathing was a little rapid. He uttered a few more muffled syllables, but she couldn't hear them clearly.
Young master.
This name is too old, so old that it seems like a lifetime has passed.
That was what he called her in her previous life, when she was out and about in men's clothing. Back then, he was still a down-and-out prince, and she was Xiao Lingjun's brilliant but ill-tempered companion, Shen.
Shen Zhiwei didn't move, watching Xiao Wangqing's breathing gradually steady as he seemed to sink into a deeper sleep. His sleeping profile overlapped with the image of the young prince who always followed her, his eyes stubborn, before gradually giving way to the cold and aloof king he later became.
In the end, she did nothing but walked to the table, poured a cup of warm water, wet a cotton cloth with it, and gently moistened his chapped lips.
Xiao Wangqing regained consciousness completely in the evening of the third day.
The candlelight was dim. Shen Zhiwei was sitting at a desk not far away, reading a military newspaper. He looked up when he heard rustling sounds coming from the direction of the bed.
Xiao Wangqing had already pulled himself up and sat up, leaning against the folded bedding. His face still looked grim, but his eyes were clear.
Shen Zhiwei put down the military newspaper in her hand and met his gaze without flinching or retreating. His eyes were different from usual, no longer the reserved distance or the confusion of someone just waking from a serious injury. He was unreserved, as if he wanted to see her completely, from the skin to the bones.
She did not avoid him and let him look at her, but she understood in her heart.
The vague title of "Young Master" was not her illusion.
Shen Zhiwei walked to the bedside and reached out to touch his forehead. The temperature was normal, but the skin was still a little cold.
"Awake? How do you feel?" she asked in a normal tone.
Xiao Wangqing didn't avoid her hand, letting her fingertips linger on his forehead. He looked up at her with a complicated expression. After a moment's silence, he whispered, "...It's okay. Thank you for your concern, Miss Chen."
The voice is very hoarse.
Shen Zhiwei withdrew his hand, poured him a glass of warm water and handed it to him. Xiao Wangqing took it and drank a few sips slowly.
"The military doctor said that Your Highness has lost too much blood and needs to rest for half a month." Shen Zhiwei sat down on a low stool beside him.
Xiao Wangqing nodded slightly, tightening his grip on the cup. "Chuanyunjian...was it Miss Chen who brought people to find me?"
"Well," Shen Zhiwei admitted frankly, "General Qin wanted to send a large army to search, but I felt it was inappropriate, so I led a small team of elite soldiers down the Chuanyun Gorge and luckily found it."
She said it lightly, but Xiao Wangqing knew how dangerous it was to go deep into Chuanyunjian in such a blizzard.
My heart aches a little.
"Why come here in person?" he asked. "Qin Huaiyu is capable of leading the support team. The snowfields are treacherous, and your body... has not yet fully recovered."
"Your Highness is in danger, and the entire army is worried. Since I'm here, I should do my best to help. Besides," she paused, "when it comes to understanding Your Highness's military tactics, perhaps no one in the army can match me. If I go, the chances of victory will be greater."
This reason is reasonable and impeccable.
Xiao Wangqing remained silent, the bedding beneath his hands practically deformed from his squeezing. He looked at her calm, composed face, the same indifference in her eyes as always, and the turbulent waves in his heart, which had been forcibly suppressed, began to surge again. For countless days and nights in his past life, she had also responded to his approach, his probing, and his clumsy and stubborn "kindness" with this calm, even slightly distant, attitude.
He recalled a long time ago, when he was still a down-and-out prince who was bullied by everyone. It was also a cold season like this. He was seriously injured and fell in the snow, thinking that he was going to die.
So he gave up even calling for help.
It was that man who dug him out of the snowdrift, carried him on his back, and trudged forward step by step through the knee-deep snow. Back then, that man's back wasn't very broad, and was even a little thin, but it gave him unprecedented stability.
At that time, he called him "Mr. Shen".
The seemingly aloof and distant Master Shen, but in reality, a softhearted Shen Zhiwei, who had saved him countless times from danger, but whose subsequent insistence and paranoia had trapped him in the deep palace, ultimately leading to his demise.
He lowered his eyes and stared at the swaying water in the cup: "Thank you."
"It's my job." Shen Zhiwei responded.
The tent fell silent again for a long time.
“Miss Shen.”
Shen Zhiwei raised her head and met his gaze.
Xiao Wangqing looked at her and blinked slowly. Shen Zhiwei could see that he was holding back his breathing.
"Have you ever...regretted it?"
If we are lucky enough to meet again, Your Highness might as well ask him if he has any regrets.
He asked.
Shen Zhiwei looked at him, his heart skipping a beat.
In fact, when she said this, she had not thought about how she would respond if such a day really came.
It feels like I'm digging a hole for myself.
Do you regret it?
Did she regret saving that impoverished prince from the cold palace? Did she regret repeatedly helping him in times of danger? Did she regret knowing he had ulterior motives but still allowing him to get close? Or did she regret… those final years, despite her ailing body and exhausting all her energy, trying to teach him how to be a worthy king?
It seems that there is no regret.
Every step, given the circumstances, was her own choice. Saving him was a matter of moral obligation, helping him was a matter of weighing the pros and cons, and educating him was for the stability of the nation. Even when she eventually learned he had murdered his father and brother, she felt no true resentment, only fatigue and... regret.
“Is it Mr. Shen or Shen Zhiwei that Your Highness wants to ask about?”
"Is there any difference?" he asked hoarsely.
Shen Zhi smiled and said, "Of course there is. The Master Shen in your Highness's dream was not gentle in his dealings with others, and was even a little unkind. And now Shen Zhiwei is just a woman living in the Northern Frontier military camp, relying on your Highness for survival."
"You know it's not like that," Xiao Wangqing clenched his fists. The wound on his shoulder stung with pain from the movement, but he seemed unaware of it. He just stared at Shen Zhiwei and said, "Whether it's Master Shen or Shen Zhiwei, they haven't changed in their bones. It's me... who has always misjudged people."
"Your Highness can see it clearly now."
"To trade a lifetime for clarity," Xiao Wangqing said in a bitter voice, "is too much of a price to pay."
The tent fell silent again. Shen Zhiwei slowly stood up, took out the porcelain cup that Xiao Wangqing was holding tightly, placed it on the low table at the head of the bed, and looked down at him: "Your Highness just asked if you regret it."
Xiao Wangqing raised his eyes, staring at her lips, waiting for the answer.
"If I say I regret it, Your Highness, what will you do? Will you commit suicide to apologize?"
Xiao Wangqing's lips turned a little paler, his Adam's apple rolled, but he couldn't make a sound.
Shen Zhiwei sighed softly: "If I say I have no regrets, what will Your Highness do? Will you write off all the past debts and be your commander of the Northern Frontier from now on, and only talk about the present with me?"
She didn't wait for his answer and continued.
"Your Highness, before you ask this question, have you ever thought about what kind of answer you want? Do you want peace of mind, or a reason to continue pestering me?"
Xiao Wangqing was momentarily at a loss for words. He hadn't truly thought deeply about it. The shock of regaining his memory was too great. The words he hadn't been able to ask in the Plum Garden were now blurted out in a moment of desperation. What did he want? He didn't know. Perhaps he just wanted to know the outcome, regardless of whether it was bearable or not.
"I..." He opened his mouth and finally said dejectedly, "I don't know."
Shen Zhiwei saw the rare confusion and vulnerability in his eyes, and the toughness she had forced herself to maintain suddenly faded. In the last years of her previous life, every time he looked at her, hidden beneath the imperial majesty, was this kind of helplessness and pain.
She finally sat down on the edge of the bed, closer to him.
"Your Highness, the events of the past life are like the extinguishing of a lamp, like the dispersing of smoke," she said, her voice slowing down. "Since Young Master Shen died in the snow, it has been resolved. Everything in this life is a result of a series of unforeseen circumstances, not what we wanted, nor what we can control."
"As for debts," she paused, meeting his suddenly raised gaze, and gently patted the back of his hand, "I used Your Highness, it's true. It's also true that Your Highness started the war because of me. But Your Highness protected my life, honored me, and even after my death... He treated me with kindness. It's no longer clear what was right and wrong, even a single sip or a bite."
"As for regrets..." Chen Zhi smiled and tilted his head, as if thinking seriously, "If I had to do it all over again, knowing the final outcome, I might not choose the same path. But if I were to go back to that time and place, facing the situation at that time, given my state of mind at that time, I would probably still make the same choice."
"So," she looked at him again, "you ask me if I have any regrets? I regret many things. I regret not realizing your rebellious intentions sooner, I regret not being able to protect the person I wanted to protect, I regret not being more calm during those last few years with you... But the only thing I don't regret is saving you."
"You may not be the path I originally wanted to choose, but every step I took was my own choice."
Xiao Wangqing stared at her in amazement, watching her calmly utter the words "willingly." Countless images from past and present lives surged and intertwined in his mind—their first encounter in the snow, her cold and distant eyes, her pale face in illness, her cold, lifeless corpse.
And in this life, she appeared before him again and again, sometimes calm, sometimes helpless, or with a smile on her face.
The obsession, guilt, unwillingness and deep affection of two lifetimes seemed to have finally found a place at this moment.
Xiao Wangqing lowered his eyes and his gaze fell on the place where Shen Zhiwei had just touched. There seemed to be a hint of warmth left there.
I don't regret saving him.
Willingly.
These words rolled over his heart again and again, bringing a bitter relief. In the last years of his previous life, she was bedridden, breathing weakly. He was the emperor, ruling the world, but he couldn't even let her sleep peacefully until dawn.
At that time, he often wondered if they had not met at the beginning, or if they had met but let go, would she have had a completely different, peaceful and happy life.
But she said she had no regrets.
Xiao Wangqing took a deep breath.
"I see."
Just those four words, nothing more. No further questions, no excuses, none of the emotional upheaval or remorse she had anticipated.
What did he understand?
Shen Zhiwei looked at him, momentarily unable to understand. This reaction was too calm, unlike him. Neither the paranoid and gloomy king of his previous life, nor the silent and patient commander of this life, should have reacted like this.
Xiao Wangqing, however, had already slightly closed his eyes and leaned back into the folded blankets. The injury on his shoulder blade prevented him from fully relaxing, but his back remained straight. He coughed softly a few times, and a blush immediately spread across his pale cheeks.
Shen Zhiwei subconsciously stood up and wanted to pour him some water, but he gently grasped her wrist. His fingertips were cold, but the force was very light, just a loose grip, and she could easily break free with a struggle.
"Don't go." He said with his eyes closed and his brow furrowed.
Shen Zhiwei paused, looking down at the hand on her wrist. His hand was large, his fingertips and palms covered with calluses from practicing martial arts and wielding weapons, but now it was so weak that even holding her wrist seemed a strain.
She was silent for a moment, but ultimately did not withdraw her hand. Instead, she sat down on the edge of the bed again and used her free hand to feel the temperature of his forehead. He had a low fever again.
"I'm not leaving," she said softly, "I'm just going to get you a glass of water."
Xiao Wangqing slowly opened his eyes, his dark pupils fixed on her for a long moment before he slowly released her hand. Shen Zhiwei poured warm water and held it to his lips. He leaned on her hand, sipping it in small sips, his Adam's apple rolling slowly as he drank so slowly, as if even swallowing took effort.
After drinking the water, he leaned against the pillow and panted slightly, cold sweat seeping out of his forehead again. Shen Zhiwei took a clean cloth and wiped it for him. This time, he did not avoid her, nor did he freeze like before, but just quietly let her move.
"Military report..." he suddenly spoke, his voice still hoarse, "Is there any urgent military information today?"
"Not yet," Shen Zhiwei put away the cloth, "The main force of the tribes that harassed the border has been defeated, and the remnants are scattered. General Qin has sent troops to clear them out. The most important thing right now is for you to recover from your injuries."
Xiao Wangqing hummed, shifted his gaze from her face, and looked at the ceiling of the tent, wondering what he was thinking.
"At the bottom of the Chuanyun Gorge..." After a long moment, he suddenly spoke again, his voice very soft, as if he was talking to himself, but also as if he was asking her, "When Miss Shen found me... how did you feel?"
Shen Zhiwei paused as she was tucking the corner of the quilt for him, remembering the biting cold wind at the bottom of the ravine, the pervasive smell of blood, and the momentary feeling of suffocation in her heart when she saw him sitting under the ice rock, covered in blood.
"I'm afraid," she answered truthfully, "I'm afraid I'll be too late and find a dead body."
Xiao Wangqing's eyelashes trembled slightly.
Shen Zhiwei continued, "I'm also afraid that the fifty people I brought with me would be buried in the snowy plains due to my misjudgment. I'm even more afraid that if something happens to you, the situation in the northern border will be turbulent again."
After she finished speaking, she looked up at him, only to see him looking sideways at her, his eyes churning with emotions, as if he had a thousand words to say, but in the end, they only turned into one sentence: "It's my fault that I put you in danger."
"If Your Highness truly feels you have done so, you should take better care of yourself in the future," Shen Zhi smiled. "Your life is crucial to the stability of the northern border, the lives and property of thousands of soldiers, and also..." She paused, looking away, "and An Yu's situation in the capital. How can you let it be so easily sacrificed?"
She didn't mention herself.
In her previous life, she had been like this too, always analyzing the stakes clearly and reassuring him with a calm yet brutal approach, yet always appearing when he was at his most vulnerable. She rescued him, helped him, and taught him, seemingly out of some sense of "necessity" or "profitability," never allowing him any illusions about a romantic relationship. Yet, it was precisely this indifference that, more than any gentle words, entangled him deeper in his predicament.
"Okay." He responded in a low voice, as if promising, "I will take good care of it."
Shen Zhiwei glanced at him with some surprise. It was rare to see Xiao Wangqing so obedient and submissive. She thought back to her past life. Every time she urged him to take care of himself or to tone down his edge, he would either remain silent or pretend to obey but secretly disobey. He had never responded so straightforwardly with a single word of "yes".
It seems that dying once has made him a little different after all.
"Miss Shen, in the future... do you really only want to stay in the Northern Frontier Army and be a guest staff member?"
Shen Zhiwei's thoughts were interrupted, and he subconsciously asked: "Your Highness, where else do you think I can go?"
"The world is so big, where can't we go?" Xiao Wangqing said, "The misty rain of Jiangnan, the steep mountains of Western Shu, or even the more distant Western Regions... With Miss Shen's talent, even if she hides her identity, she can still make a living. She doesn't necessarily have to be trapped in this bitter cold place."
This almost meant that she could leave and live a free life.
"Your Highness...are you chasing me away?" She raised her eyebrows and asked half-jokingly.
Xiao Wangqing said seriously, "That's not the case. Miss Shen will always have a place in the Northern Frontier Army. I just..." He chose his words carefully, "I don't want you to be bound by anything or anyone, including me."
He looked at her and said, "I have paid off the debt of my past life. In this life, I only hope that you can be free and follow your heart."
At that time, whenever the king came to her palace after court and sat in front of her sickbed, he would have the same expression, wanting to say something but stopping himself, with an indescribable melancholy and powerlessness in his eyes.
At that time, she just felt tired, unwilling to delve into it, and unable to respond.
Thinking about it now, what he wanted to ask then might not be different from what he wants to ask today.
But at that time, she could no longer give an answer, or rather, she was unwilling to give an answer that might make him more persistent.
Now, times have changed. She is dead, and he is the border commander who has been reborn.
It seems that the old accounts can really be settled by a different algorithm.
"Your Highness said that he wants me to be free and follow my heart," Shen Zhiwei said slowly, "Then Your Highness, have you ever asked yourself what you really want?"
Xiao Wangqing's eyelashes trembled slightly, and he whispered, "What I want... I couldn't ask for it in my previous life, and I dare not ask for it in this life."
"Is it because you're not asking for what you want because you're using the wrong method, or because you shouldn't ask for it in the first place?" Shen Zhiwei asked. "Is it because you don't dare to ask for it because you're afraid of repeating the same mistakes, or because you're afraid of becoming a burden to me again?"
"Everyone has it."
His answer was so frank that Shen Zhiwei was momentarily unsure how to respond. She looked at his profile, which looked particularly vulnerable due to his frailty and honesty, and the uncertainty that had arisen in her heart due to his previously overly calm reaction gradually dissipated.
He didn't let go, but instead suppressed those surging emotions even deeper, approaching in a more clumsy and cautious way.
"Your Highness," she sighed softly, "You just asked me if I regretted it, and I answered. Now, I want to ask Your Highness a question as well."
"Do you regret it, Your Highness?" Shen Zhiwei met his gaze. "Regret being rescued by me in the snow? Regret searching for me again and again? Regret...using that method in the end to keep me by your side?"
Xiao Wangqing was silent for a long time, and finally shook his head very lightly, his voice so low that it was almost inaudible. Only then did he look like a patient: "No regrets."
"I regret... my method was wrong, the timing was wrong, so many things were wrong," he said, breathing hard, each word coming out with difficulty, "but if I could do it again... if I had known earlier..." He paused, as if unable to find the right words, and finally just repeated, "I don't regret meeting you, I don't regret... having any delusions."
"It's just that if I had known that my proximity would cause you so much pain, I might... have stood further away."
Just watching her from afar and protecting her, even if they never met in this life, is better than dragging her into the quagmire of the palace and draining away her last bit of life.
Shen Zhiwei understood.
What he regretted was the process, the method, and the result, but the only thing he did not regret was the heart that was directed towards her.
They all retain a sense of reluctance to erase the past that is full of regrets and pain.
Shen Zhiwei stood up.
Xiao Wangqing's gaze followed her.
"Although the northern border is bitterly cold, the skies are high and the land is vast, and the people are simple. Staying here, being an idle guest official, occasionally reading a book and handling some unimportant paperwork, seems... not bad."
Xiao Wangqing looked up suddenly, and the water in the cup swayed, splashing a few drops onto the bedding. He looked at her, a glimmer of disbelief in his eyes, like a person in a desperate situation who suddenly saw a glimmer of hope, but was not sure.
“Miss Shen…what do you mean?”
"What I mean is," Shen Zhiwei rubbed his forehead and said calmly, "Since Your Highness wishes me to be free and follow my heart, then my current intention is to stay in the Northern Frontier for the time being. As for whether I want to visit the misty rain of Jiangnan or the steep mountains of Western Shu in the future, that is a matter for the future."
At this point, she smiled and shrugged, "At least for now, I think this place is okay. Your Highness... are you still willing to take me in?"
Xiao Wangqing's chest heaved violently, affecting the wound on his shoulder. He groaned and his face turned even paler, but his dark eyes were surprisingly bright.
"Yes," he answered almost immediately, his voice choked with eagerness. "The Northern Frontier Army... there will always be a place for Miss Shen. As long as Miss Shen is willing to stay, I hope you will... be more than happy to do so."
He said the last four words very lightly, but they carried a great weight.
Shen Zhiwei looked at his eyes which were slightly red with excitement, and the last bit of inexplicable depression in his heart gradually dissipated.
She reached out, took the shaky cup from his hand, and set it aside.
"If that's the case, then it's settled," she said, her tone more relaxed. "Your Highness, the most important thing right now is to recover from your injuries. If your injuries repeatedly delay your military duties, I won't be able to rest assured as a guest official."
Xiao Wangqing nodded heavily, like a child who had received a precious promise. Although he tried his best to restrain himself, he could not hide the joy and relief in his eyes.
"Okay, I'll get better soon."
Shen Zhiwei tucked the quilt for him and said, "Go to sleep. I'll be in the outer room. Call me if you need anything."
She turned to leave, but someone gently pulled her sleeve.
Turning around, he met Xiao Wangqing's hesitant gaze.
“Miss Shen, in my previous life…I never asked you if you were willing to teach me.”
Shen Zhiwei stopped in his tracks.
"Back then... I was so focused on imposing what I thought was best on you that I forgot to ask if you wanted it. If I could do it again... I would definitely ask you first."
Shen Zhiwei was stunned for a moment, then burst into laughter.
"Your Highness," she shook her head, "If you had really asked me this, I would have thought you were crazy, or... had other motives."
Given her previous life's mentality, she would never have believed that Xiao Wangqing would sincerely ask for her advice. If he did ask, it would only make her more wary.
Xiao Wangqing was stunned for a moment, then realized what was happening. A wry smile appeared on the corner of his lips: "...That's right."
At that time, there were too many suspicions, calculations and unspeakable positions between them.
"So, Your Highness, don't worry about it," Shen Zhiwei gently pulled back his sleeves, "There is no regret in making a move, the past life is over. This life... is very long, and we all have the opportunity to change the way we live."
After she finished speaking, she turned around and walked to the outer room without stopping, sat down behind the desk, and picked up the unfinished military newspaper again.
In the inner tent, Xiao Wangqing looked at her blurry silhouette reflected on the screen, listened to the subtle sound of her occasionally turning pages, and his mind finally relaxed.
The wound on his shoulder still hurt and his body was exhausted, but the emptiness and dull pain in his chest that had lingered for two lifetimes was quietly filled with something warm.
He slowly closed his eyes.
This time, the dream was no longer about cold snow and desperate separation.
The candlelight in the tent flickered, casting the shadows of the two people on the tent wall, quietly overlapping.
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The author has something to say: The past and the past are like clouds and smoke passing by. The present life is long and uncertain.
But at least at this moment, the wind and snow have stopped, and the stars and the moon are shining together.
This may be the best start.
-
Finished, scatter flowers [scatter flowers] It's a pity that when the previous life ended, I clearly said that I would try to be as relaxed as possible, but the final effect was still not satisfactory. I tried my best to give everyone a good ending. Thank you for the support of the bosses [red heart][red heart] See you in the sequel [kiss]
The extra chapter will be bloody and a lot easier, the chef guarantees
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