Chapter 35
I recalled what had happened to Gu Xinglian. He quickly let go of my hand, wiped away his tears, and barely managed to regain his composure. He apologized to me for losing his composure, and then, in a much quieter manner than usual, led me to other places.
He had truly and completely transformed into a melancholic man. I realized this clearly after countless eye contact. He hadn't given up, but he was helpless, tears streaming down his face, though he merely wiped them away superficially.
I was powerless to help him. I felt so sorry for him; as his friend, I cherished all his emotions. I hoped he could find happiness in life, instead of becoming like a walking corpse. Facing death calmly, without knowing what to do, and neither did I. Looking at his face, I felt a sticky feeling in my own eyes.
He said to me, "Can you listen to some of my thoughts?" Before I could even respond, he continued, "You know, I wish you could live like the happiest people in the world."
I don't know what the significance of his use of the second person is, but I can quickly figure it out: the second person can greatly evoke his emotions and make it easier for him to confide in me. In other words, he is temporarily using me as a substitute for that person to express himself.
A thought raced through my mind, and I mistook it for my tolerance and understanding. I listened intently.
He looked at me sadly: "I want you to be happy, I want you to be joyful. As long as you feel it's worthwhile, then everything is worthwhile. I don't want you to live a life that wasn't part of your initial plan, I don't want you to bear responsibilities that shouldn't be yours. When I learned the source of your thoughts, what I wanted to do most was to let them die. Whether you pity them or respect them, I simply can't control my thoughts. In fact, I still can't control them now. I wish they and everything they used to deceive you would die, whether they are human or not!" His emotions surged, and his eyes, filled with resentment, were very moving, reminding me of a stage actor, and then, in the next second, I felt a deep shame for my own shallowness.
I don't know what I'm thinking. I should respect him, but instead, I'm mocking his sincerity like everyone else with prejudice. This isn't the only thing I've done to wrong him…
I don't know what I'm thinking. I should respect him, but instead, I'm mocking his sincerity like everyone else with prejudice. Is my character starting to deteriorate? This shouldn't be happening...
I know what I was thinking, and it was a despicable thought. Fortunately, it left quickly, and I decided to treat Gu Xinglian with even greater sincerity.
He didn't notice my turmoil, his face flushed with anger: "The first time I ignored your opinion was at that moment. I wished it were dead. I didn't care about its life; in this world, I only cared about you, someone unrelated to me. Because we've known each other for so long, from beginning to end, I only wanted your life to be filled with happiness. I shouldn't have failed to stop you, shouldn't have been forced to watch you head towards an ending you shouldn't have had to bear. I've been looking for you. I want to tell you that you know nothing now. If you knew, you definitely wouldn't agree; you hate being deceived so much. I want you to go back..."
He crouched down, covered his face, and tears streamed through his fingers.
Qinghe knew what he was talking about, of course. He knew, but there was nothing he could do. Those beautiful eyes drooped with the same melancholy, long eyelashes falling on bright pupils, as if the world had crashed down on them with heavy pain. He wanted to hug Gu Xinglian, wanted to persuade this person to give up everything he had done so far, to stop wasting time on him. He had to live his own life well. He wanted Gu Xinglian to be happy as much as he wanted him to be happy; he hadn't considered what proportion of happiness he himself might occupy in it.
He knew Gu Xinglian cared about him, so he used that care to manipulate the other. He couldn't say anything else to Gu Xinglian, and in the end, he could only remain silent. Tears slowly welled up in his eyes; the tears that were always wiped away in time were now ignored. Instead, small creatures rushed to absorb them with their own bodies, but at that time, they couldn't touch Qinghe's body. His lips trembled, all the words he wanted to say were swallowed, and the words he didn't want to say were sealed inside. The two of them, one standing and one crouching, stood silently on the ground, the wind blowing their clothes and hair wildly, as if they had come alive. If Gu Xinglian were to look up and reach out now, and Qinghe were to reach out as well, it would be exactly like the painting "The Creation of Adam," because Qinghe would also be surrounded by many creatures, embracing him, occupying him, yet not being able to include him in their own domain, but belonging to him. But if that were really done, and in fact, it really was done, Qinghe's fingertips would be the ones that could never straighten out. He would try his best to grasp Gu Xinglian's taut fingertips, then pretend to accidentally brush past him.
He was involved in it back then.
He simply did what a human being should do, according to what he had learned. Here, "human" refers only to someone completely friendly to human society, without any other interpretation. He was kind, gentle, and loved the world. Therefore, even if he understood Gu Xinglian's grief, knew why Gu Xinglian was grieving, he couldn't and wouldn't change it. Because that's who he was, that's the person named Qinghe. Gu Xinglian was the only one who understood the whole thing, and the only one who absolutely had to understand it: the first gentle, happy, and loving fairy tale Qinghe read was through the young Gu Xinglian's indistinct speech.
Gu Xinglian squatted down, never to look up again. He had been gazing up at the world for so long that he had no time to notice what was happening on the ground.
I squatted down in the same position as him. I squatted with him for as long as he did, time slipping away as we were swept back and forth by the strange looks from passersby. He was wearing khaki pants today, slightly thick. Ants crawled on the ground, their color a dark brown. Small blades of grass grew in the cracks, but they were already withered and yellow. Behind him was the place where one could pray for amulets; I could see it as soon as I looked up.
That person was lured away. Gu Xinglian tried to stop him, but she could only stop him temporarily; in the end, he still left. I felt a pang of sadness and heartache, feeling that Gu Xinglian's efforts were not worthwhile.
The sun chased the drifting clouds down the mountain. My legs were numb from squatting, and he probably reached his limit too. He slowly stood up, steadied himself, and reached out his hand to me. I looked up at him and smiled, probably looking a bit silly, because I saw him freeze for a moment.
"Go get me a charm," I said. "My legs are a little numb, I can't walk over there."
He looked puzzled, but I didn't explain. I couldn't explain it either. The amulet was small and exquisite, and the inside felt just like the descriptions in travel blogs—a small piece of wood. I didn't ask him what it was for. After my legs calmed down, I went over, made a simple wish, and sealed it in the cloth bag.
One for each of us, just right. I walked in the shadows of the streetlights; the moon hadn't yet risen in the sky. Gu Xinglian said goodbye and thanked me apologetically, deeply apologizing for ending our meetings with sadness each time. His fingertips dug into my skin, leaving deep marks. He seemed oblivious to this, his eyes fixed nervously on my nose, as if he wanted to punch it out of shape. Unfortunately, I've never had plastic surgery, much less had any work done on my nose.
I have a feeling I'll only see him once more. Twice at most. He'll be gone soon, and I'll always have my own life to live. We can't stay stuck in the past. The river of life has its deep, still waters and its turbulent waves, but it's always moving forward. What stops is a pool, stagnant water, a silent swamp.
I held the amulet that Gu Xinglian gave me tightly. It quickly settled next to my pillow after I got home. When I received it, I knew it would become the guardian of my dreams.
I really don't know what wish he would make for me. And my wish is also vague. Perhaps it's like two equally bad people grinding an ice puck hard against a mirror, leaving only watermarks and debris, the cold temperature merging with the crystal.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
