Chapter 8
When I got home, both children were sitting on the sofa in the living room waiting for me, which finally allowed my tired nerves to relax.
I put everything he said out of my mind and focused on greeting my two children who were about to hug me: "Is there a stranger knocking on the door?"
My brother obediently replied, "No, the house is very safe, you don't need to worry."
My brother was a beat behind and didn't respond to me. Instead, he wrinkled his nose and sniffed: "You have a strange smell on you... a lot of it."
I sniffed it too, but couldn't smell anything. My brother looked at me with his round eyes. He always listened to me and didn't like his younger brother, but now he said, "Next time, just hug us before you go out. We don't like this smell. You need to take a shower first! We'll make dinner."
I was quite puzzled and reached out to rub his head: "Normally, aren't you the one who notices faster than your brother? Today you actually waited for your brother to speak first."
I'm used to them saying I smell bad every time I come home. I always manage to brush it off with evasive answers; I figure it's just the kids being childish because they think I don't stay home long enough. But I also felt like I had too much to do today and wanted to relax as soon as possible, so I said, "I'm going to take a shower now. Don't bully your little brother, and he shouldn't target his older brother either. We'll come up with names after dinner, okay?"
Both pairs of eyes lit up, their cat-like pupils staring at me excitedly: "Really? Qinghe! Qinghe!"
He's adorable, but this time I didn't touch his head again; instead, I chose my younger brother. He froze slightly, then quickly nuzzled me gently and whispered, "Qinghe."
My brother is in such a good mood today. Even the gloom that used to avoid me has dissipated a bit, which makes me want to seriously examine my attitude towards him.
Standing in the shower, I lathered myself with shower gel.
I felt tired, extremely tired, and would probably be considered one of those people with low energy. I didn't intend to tell them that I was planning to name my child, but the moment I saw them when I got back, I decided to say it because I realized that even when I felt unwell, my first instinct was still to want someone by my side.
I don't know why I, who am used to suffering, would have this idea of relying on others. I also don't believe that I could develop such deep feelings for two children I don't know in just a few days.
But I was at a loss.
I want someone to listen to me.
Let's think of something else? Other names, other surnames. Do they prefer Chinese names or Japanese names? They might also prefer English names, like the senior's name, Xavier. I think my name is Japanese, but since Tachibana Miki is next in line, I'll just tentatively call it a Chinese name for now.
Actually, it's because in my memory they always spoke Chinese.
I know it's wrong to reminisce like this, it's not good to keep looking back on unhappy days, but I keep thinking about it, and I don't know why I was unhappy.
I don't know where that feeling of being blocked and uncomfortable comes from. I don't know why I live in the fog like I'm in a cocoon. I just don't want to be ignored. At this moment, I think that people who are really used to being ignored don't care about this.
I don't know what kind of person I really am. I'm separated from my past self by my hazy memories; to be precise, I'm no longer him. Everything he went through has nothing to do with me; I can't even find anything that makes me aware of his existence. My student ID was just replaced yesterday; my belongings are as tidy as if no one has ever lived here; the bed is spotless and smooth as if it's never been slept on; the refrigerator in the kitchen is stocked with fresh ingredients; and the balance on my phone is enough for me to lie down and relax for a year. If I wanted, I could even go a year without any connection to the world—except for delivery drivers.
...
It was as if they had been waiting for this moment to arrive.
A completely new world, as if waiting for me to have a story without a past.
Therefore, I want to understand my past self even more, to know whether I was weak or strong, whether I was easily bullied or brave.
That's why I took in these two children. "If it were the old me, I probably would have taken them in too," I thought, and with that in mind, the two children moved into the room next to mine.
I rinsed off the soap and resolved not to let my mind wander. I remembered that the name Thor meant the sun, which seemed fitting for the older brother; and Theo? The younger brother should also pay attention to his manners, even if he behaved well today. I believe that some non-existent god would be willing to bestow an elegant gift upon this world.
I've thought about Chinese names... Should I think about them again? If I had to think of one right now, all I could recall was the "Hundred Family Surnames." Zhao, Qian, Sun, Li, Zhou, Wu, Zheng, Wang—did they have any preferred characters?
Japanese names are something I'm completely unfamiliar with. They seem to focus on pronunciation, but I don't usually pay attention to Japanese. My English vocabulary comes from English classes, and sometimes people pass around Western fantasy novels in class.
It was brought by a girl who had all sorts of books, providing joy to everyone outside of their academic lives. At first, it circulated only among her friends, although her friends included people she didn't know well—she wasn't good at saying no. But after a teacher discovered this and tore up the books, everyone started to voluntarily pay a small fee for borrowing them, and some who weren't sure they wouldn't get caught by the teacher would generously pay the full amount upfront.
The book had been passed to me beforehand. She gave it to me personally. I wasn't used to such amusing gestures, but when I looked up and met her smiling eyes, I couldn't refuse. I remember her saying, "Qinghe is always alone, so why don't you spend some time with everyone? I think a lot of people like this book, so I brought it for you to read."
She turned and left after saying that, ignoring my unspoken protests and rejections. The beautifully written novel sat on my desk, and I felt a pang of unease. Being cared for wasn't bad; I just hadn't figured out how to explain to her that I wasn't actually withdrawn.
Still, I'm very grateful to her. I still remember her long hair, her round-framed glasses, and the smile in her eyes hidden behind the lenses. I remember she was wearing her school uniform that day, a blue and white one, and the blackboard behind her was blurring.
I paused for a moment.
Why do I remember?
That scene was like the moon's reflection in water, so fragile that it shattered at the slightest touch, leaving me unable to even grasp its afterimage. Frowning as I tried to recall it, I could only find utterly unfamiliar words, so unfamiliar that I felt I had only seen them in a book, and because I liked them, I had incorporated them into my own life.
I have no way of verifying it; the memory will never heal into the moon again.
"Dinner's ready!" my brother called from outside. "Why are you still soaking in the bath? If you don't come out soon, he'll pick out all the good food... Ouch!"
I heard him fall with a loud thud, a sound that made me grimace. What goes around comes around, I thought. After all, my brother hadn't done anything yet—the food had just been served—and it wasn't right to spread rumors about him like that.
It seems I need to think again about who I should give the name Theo to.
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