Chapter 33
I just wanted to scare him, but I didn't expect to be outsmarted. But that's not something to be angry about. I looked at him and asked, knowing the answer already, "What are you doing here?"
He no longer felt confident. Somewhat embarrassed, he raised the hand holding the milk tea and touched his nose, vaguely brushing it off with "I was just passing by." The milk tea was dangling in front of him, and he took the opportunity to shove the unopened bottle into my hand. Water droplets slid down the damp outer packaging. I inserted the straw and asked, "What did you want to do with me?"
The awkward expression on his face disappeared, replaced by the same bright smile as before. He said, "I want to go to the shrine here. I've been there to pray before, and there's still a wishing rope I tied to the tree in the courtyard. I wrote on it that I wanted to be with the person I want to be with forever. If I could, I'd like to rewrite it."
His words carried a faint sadness, and his sighs were distant. In his constant descriptions, I was his good friend; but who was "that person"? Couldn't we have had a bridge to acquaintance because of him? He never admitted whether the other person had gone abroad, died, or severed ties with him.
He keeps bringing up "that person" in front of me, both in text messages and in real life. I find it strange. No one wants a complete stranger intruding into a relationship, right? Gu Xinglian isn't someone who doesn't know this, so what's his reason for saying it?
I'm keeping my distance from this unless it affects me. If he can't help but want to talk, I'm willing to listen. We're both adults, after all, and should be able to manage our emotions. This isn't something my feelings for him can solve; I have feelings for many other people. I bit the straw until it was bent, and without even looking, I knew it was covered in tiny dents. I looked up, wondering when Gu Xinglian would finally break his silence, and saw his gaze resting blankly on my straw, as if in reminiscence.
To avoid saying anything wrong, I didn't try to ask him questions like, "Did I used to like biting straws too?" But today, Gu Xinglian seemed determined to bring up something unpleasant: "You used to like biting straws like this too." He smiled with a hint of reminiscence and apology, "I bit them until they were unusable, and then you would snatch my unopened ones."
Out of consideration for the fact that he had waited for me for so long, I tolerated his offense.
And perhaps I really do have that impression. As he spoke, fragmented, blurry images flashed through my mind, bringing a sense of familiarity. I couldn't delve into them, because it was as if something had pried open the shell of my memory, and inside was rapidly dissipating gas, leaving me no chance to react. I stammered, "Really? It seems my bad habits won't change anytime soon."
Gu Xinglian laughed again: "I thought it was cute when you were little, and it's still the same now that you're grown up."
Children can't be compared to adults, and people from the past can't be compared to people today. I asked him, "How do we go back to the past?"
He pointed to the bicycles by the roadside: "That's my bike."
I'm not sure whether to say Gu Xinglian's spending habits have downgraded or upgraded. He doesn't seem like someone without a car, and he has definitely gone from walking to having a means of transportation. I don't really want to sit in the back seat, both because it's uncomfortable and because I feel ashamed.
Gu Xinglian was already on the bicycle, holding the handlebars, ready to go at any moment. I slowly stepped over, feeling guilty that everyone around me was looking at me strangely, as if everyone thought I was doing something crazy. Looking back at their gazes, I wondered uncertainly: Is riding on the back of a bicycle here such a scary thing?
However, they quickly withdrew their strange looks and silently accepted the sight of me sitting on the back of the bicycle. Seeing that I didn't move, Gu Xinglian turned to look at me: "Is there something on the seat? I even wiped the whole new bike clean just to see you."
I didn't explain what had just happened to him, but he looked at me and said, "Sometimes it's not intentional. Will you forgive them?"
It's as if they know everything.
Those eyes were filled with sorrow and expectation, which I couldn't understand, and I never thought I could understand.
I didn't know what he was talking about; his eager eyes followed me. Was he really referring to that scene? And what was I supposed to forgive? It was just that everyone was looking at me at the same time. If I saw an animal escape from a zoo, I would stare at it intently too. There's no question of forgiveness or not. That's how things have unfolded; people have done what they did, so let it continue.
He saw that thought in my eyes. I saw it in his eyes too. He sighed, his smile turning helpless: "Forgive me, I didn't check it properly, and now you have to clean it yourself."
"Hold on tight," he told me, and after making sure I was okay, he started pedaling and we set off. I watched his back as his white shirt billowed in the wind, thankfully the wind wasn't strong. A few ginkgo leaves drifted gently in front of me and landed in my hair. I picked one and put it in Gu Xinglian's hair.
*
When we arrived, I naturally handed the milk tea to Gu Xinglian. He took it with the same natural gesture and put it in his bag. We were both taken aback by this whole sequence of actions.
He seemed subtly agitated. I stared at him for a moment, then said, "Excuse me." I wanted to take the milk tea back, but he wouldn't allow it.
The shrine wasn't large, and there hadn't been any additions over the years. The inscription above was written by Gu Xinglian himself; he seemed to know the place inside and out. Walking through the torii gate, one could soon see shrine maidens in white robes and red hakama coming and going. I'd never been to a place like this before and didn't know any taboos, so I followed behind the familiar Gu Xinglian.
His target was clear: the tree he had told me about. The tree sat in the center, with only a rope around its waist. There were no notes on it, and upon closer inspection, I couldn't even find a single red cloth hidden among the lush foliage.
Judging from Gu Xinglian's profile, his expression was quite normal.
“This is a sacred tree,” he told me. “It looks very old, probably several hundred years old. It usually grows directly in one place, and the shrine is built around it.”
He nipped my guess that "the original tree might have been cut down" in the bud.
This time, I awkwardly touched my nose and asked him again, "So, what's your wish...?"
My condolences. That's what I was going to say.
Gu Xinglian showed no sadness. He quickly continued my sentence, "It's just in another world." His tone was firm, yet tinged with melancholy, like the wistful sense of loss after finally confirming something after a long and arduous search. I wondered if this person also knew the truth, or was he simply childlike in his belief in another world, or perhaps a theist?
He cut me off again, leaving me feeling a little frustrated. To start a new conversation, I replaced the red cloth with an amulet: "So, are you going to get an amulet or draw a fortune stick here? I've heard that praying to the deity guarding this place for good luck is very effective. Do you have any thoughts on that?"
I don't know if it was my imagination, but I thought I heard Gu Xinglian hum. But the sound disappeared quickly, and by the time I realized it was there, it had already left its master's mouth. Gu Xinglian's eyes weren't looking at the place where the wish was being made, but were fixed on the tree.
I could see the grit in his teeth. His handsome face was filled with emotions that I couldn't quite describe, emotions that could only be described as resentment and pain.
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