Chapter 55 Doubting Yourself
Tang Lu's crying gradually subsided, turning into intermittent sobs.
She hugged her knees, curled up into a small ball, and sat on the cold floor like a sapling wilted by a storm.
Chi Li stood there, her hands, which usually held the power of life and death and commanded with great force, now felt so heavy that she didn't know where to put them.
She wanted to get closer, to lift her up, to use her own body heat to dispel the chill around her, and to tell her, "Don't cry, I'm here."
But she just admitted that she was the source of the "chill".
She watched as Tang Lu's slender shoulders trembled slightly, and the leaves curled at the ends of her hair. An unprecedented sense of helplessness gripped her.
In the end, she simply walked silently to the side, took a soft handkerchief soaked in warm spiritual spring water, and brought over a small dish of Tang Lu's favorite flower honey cake.
She knelt down and gently placed the handkerchief and honey cake on the floor next to Tang Lu.
"Wipe your face." Her voice was low and somewhat stiff. "Eat something."
Tang Lu didn't move, still burying her face in her knees, with only soft sobs proving she was awake.
Chi Li's heart sank little by little.
She never imagined that one day she would look at a small figure with its back to her with the feeling of waiting for a verdict.
Time passed slowly in silence.
After an unknown amount of time, Tang Lu seemed to have cried herself to sleep, or perhaps the aroma of the honey cake was too tempting.
She slowly raised her head, her eyes red and swollen like two peaches.
She glanced at the handkerchief and honey cake beside her, then quickly looked at Chi Li, who was still squatting to the side, silently watching her.
Instead of taking the honey cake, she reached out her little hand, picked up the warm, soft handkerchief, and wiped her face haphazardly a few times.
His actions carried a childlike sense of grievance and sullenness.
Chi Li's tense heartstrings loosened slightly because of her small gesture.
At least, she didn't completely reject it.
"Lili..." Tang Lu's voice was hoarse from crying, with a thick nasal tone, "Those 'green ones'...do they hurt?"
She looked up at Chi Li with teary eyes and asked a question that Chi Li had never thought about before.
Does it hurt?
Chi Li's mind flashed back to the moment the Annihilation Phoenix Flame descended, the frozen horror and despair on the faces of the Wood Spirit Clan, and the silent lament that spread to all who shared the same origin when the Ancient Tree of Life was completely annihilated.
For the Demon King, who is accustomed to destruction and death, the "pain" of his enemies is never worth his attention.
That's the price the losers should pay.
But at this moment, facing Tang Lu's pure, compassionate eyes, the obvious answer stuck in his throat.
She couldn't easily say "it doesn't hurt," because that would be a desecration of Tang Lu's perception.
She couldn't even utter the word "pain," as that would only create an even deeper chasm between herself and herself.
Her silence seemed to Tang Lu as a form of tacit agreement.
Tang Lu's tears welled up again, but she sniffed hard and held them back.
She lowered her head, looking at her toes, and said softly, with a sense of detachment:
"Tang Lu... Tang Lu wants to sleep by herself tonight."
Chi Li's pupils shrank slightly.
Sleeping alone?
Since taking human form, except for the first few days when she wasn't used to it, Tang Lu could only fall asleep peacefully by curling up in her arms almost every night.
She said Lili felt warm, like the sun.
Now, this "sun" seems to have burned her.
“…Okay.” That single word took almost all of Chi Li’s strength.
She stood up, her tall figure casting a long shadow under the light, which made her appear somewhat lonely.
"I have someone clean up the side hall."
She turned around and walked towards the door with seemingly steady steps, giving instructions to the female official waiting outside.
That night, Chi Li lay alone on the large, cold royal bed.
The empty space beside her served as a constant reminder of the little tree spirit's presence.
The air still seemed to retain the faint scent of sunlight and fresh grass emanating from Tang Lu, but now it felt like invisible threads, binding her and bringing waves of suffocation.
The side hall was not far from the main hall, and with her divine sense, she could easily perceive Tang Lu's aura.
The little creature seemed to be sleeping very restlessly, its breathing weak and disordered, with occasional faint, suppressed sobs.
Every sob felt like a whip lashing against a heart of pure glass.
The next morning, Chi Li woke up very early, or rather, she had hardly slept all night.
She habitually reached out to her side, only to touch the cold brocade.
She stood up, and her consciousness subconsciously swept towards the side hall.
Tang Lu had already woken up and was sitting on a cushion by the window, hugging her knees and staring blankly at the rising sun outside.
The small figure looked particularly thin and lonely in the morning light, even the usually spirited and upright hair drooped listlessly.
Chi Li waved away the maids who came to help her with her washing and grooming, and personally carried a cup of warm and nourishing Wood Spirit Dew and a few delicate and light snacks to the entrance of the side hall.
She paused for a moment before raising her hand to knock on the door.
There was a moment of silence inside, then Tang Lu's muffled, hoarse voice came through: "...Who is it?"
"It is I, the King."
It became quiet inside again.
Several breaths later, Tang Lu whispered, "...Come in."
Chi Li pushed open the door and entered.
Tang Lu remained in the position of hugging her knees and looking out the window, without turning around to look at her, only the tips of her ears twitched slightly.
Chi Li placed the tray on the small table next to her.
"Have some breakfast." She looked at Tang Lu's obviously sleep-deprived profile and her still somewhat swollen eyelids, and felt as if something was gripping her heart.
Tang Lu turned her gaze away from the window and onto the cup of dew that was filled with the pure essence of wood spirits. She then looked at the snacks that she usually liked, but instead of rushing over as usual, she simply said softly, "...Thank you, Li Li."
Polite, yet distant.
Chi Li's heart sank again.
She sat down on a chair nearby, watching Tang Lu slowly pick up the cup of Wood Spirit Dew and sip it, her long eyelashes drooping, obscuring the emotions in her eyes.
"Would you like to go for a walk today?" Chi Li tried to break the suffocating silence and took the initiative to suggest it.
She wanted to take her out to relax, to her favorite little grove of trees, where the sunshine and flowers might dispel some of the gloom in her heart.
Tang Lu paused, her hand holding the cup, and gently shook her head. "...I don't want to go."
“Then…would you like to go to the market? They have some newly arrived spirit fruits.” Chi Li continued to try, her words filled with unprecedented patience.
Tang Lu shook her head again, her voice even lower: "...I don't want to."
The repeated rejections were like cold raindrops pounding on Chi Li's heart.
She looked at Tang Lu, who was clearly depressed and uninterested in anything, having completely lost her usual vibrant curiosity and energy.
Chi Li fell silent.
She found that her usual, forceful methods of comforting others were completely ineffective at this moment.
Commands, temptations, and even domineering care all seem so pale and powerless when faced with a wounded sapling that is closing itself off to itself.
For the first time, she realized so clearly that Tang Lu was not her possession, nor could she be easily appeased with a command or a reward.
She has her own perceptions, her own emotions, and her own...judgments.
At this moment, Tang Lu put down the half-finished Wood Spirit Dew, raised her head, and finally looked at Chi Li.
Her eyes were still a little red and swollen. She asked softly, "Lili, if... if there are still 'green' things in the future that want Tanglu to leave Lili, would Lili still... make them 'gone'?"
Chi Li's breath hitched.
This question goes straight to the heart, concerning the bottom line she upholds, and also Tang Lu's deepest fear.
Looking into Tang Lu's clear, bright eyes, she couldn't immediately give the resolute "yes".
Because she knew that saying that word might mean she was pushing things even further away.
But if she said "no," then she wouldn't be Chi Li.
Her nature and her experiences dictate that she will never tolerate any potential threat.
Her silence was once again the answer.
Tang Lu looked at her, her eyes seemed to have reddened a little more, but she blinked hard to keep the tears from falling.
She lowered her head, looking at the ginkgo seed bracelet on her wrist, and whispered:
"Tang Lu understands."
What did she find out?
Knowing that Akari won't change?
Knowing that similar "disappearances" might occur in the future?
Knowing that the "warmth" she clung to also contained a terrifying power capable of instantly annihilating other lives?
Chi Li didn't know.
She only noticed that Tang Lu's aloofness seemed to have intensified.
"Tang Lu..." she began, wanting to say something, but found that any explanation or promise seemed so empty in the face of the cruel reality that had already occurred.
Tang Lu climbed up from the cushion: "Li Li, Tang Lu wants to go to Xiaolin Garden... to stay by herself for a while."
She used "herself".
Chi Li looked at her drooping head again, and finally, she just uttered a single word dryly: "...Okay."
Tang Lu walked out silently, her small figure disappearing outside the palace gate.
Chi Li sat alone in the side hall, looking at the half-finished cup of Wood Spirit Dew and the almost untouched snacks.
She raised her hand and rubbed her stinging temples, and the old injury on her shoulder also flared up again.
So this is what it feels like to be alienated and feared by the person you care about most.
It's even more unbearable than being attacked with swords and knives.
She began to wonder if her unquestionable way of protecting others was... truly the right thing to do.
When protection itself becomes a source of harm, what should she do?
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