Chapter 36
The morning exercises had just ended, and the lingering notes of the music from the loudspeaker were still echoing in the air. The crowd dispersed from the track like a receding tide, walking in twos and threes toward the teaching building.
Xie Qingyan stood in the shade of the camphor tree, head down, adjusting the cuffs of his school uniform. He had been wearing this blue and white uniform for two months, and it still felt a bit awkward—it was too loose, lacking the neatness of the traditional Chinese robes he wore in his previous life. He was thinking about the few questions he wanted to ask Jiang Ci in the afternoon physics class when a figure suddenly blocked his way.
"Xie Qingyan, classmate."
The voice was clear and pleasant. He looked up and saw a girl in a school uniform standing three steps away. She had her hair tied in a high ponytail, fair skin, and bright features—the kind of face that would catch the eye at first glance in any crowd. Several girls surrounded her, their eyes filled with encouraging and amused smiles.
Further away, some students who hadn't yet dispersed stopped and looked in this direction.
Xie Qingyan recognized her—Lin Wei, from Class 7 of the third year of high school, who was said to have been the undisputed school beauty since the first year of high school. They had never crossed paths before.
"Is there something you need?" he asked politely, but a vague sense of unease was rising in his heart.
Lin Wei took a step forward, looked at him with a graceful demeanor, and spoke clearly enough for everyone around to hear: "Xie Qingyan, I've noticed you for a while now. I think you're very special."
She paused, and then everything around her became completely quiet, with only the rustling of the wind through the leaves.
"I admire you." Lin Wei looked directly into his eyes. "Can we date?"
A suppressed gasp and whispers rose from all around. Someone pulled out their phone, only to be quickly stopped by their companion.
Xie Qingyan was stunned.
In his past life, it wasn't that women hadn't shown him affection, but it was mostly through matchmaking by elders in the family, or through glances at each other from behind a curtain at poetry gatherings. He had never experienced such a direct and public scene before. He subconsciously frowned, not out of shyness, but simply because he felt troubled—like someone suddenly interrupting his train of thought while solving a problem.
“Lin,” he began, his voice calm, “thank you for your appreciation. But now—”
He hadn't finished speaking.
A figure, exuding a menacing aura, suddenly darted between the two, blocking Xie Qingyan's path. The figure in the blue and white school uniform stood taut like a fully drawn bow.
It is Jiang Ci.
Xie Qingyan couldn't see his expression, only the taut lines of his neck and his clenched fists hanging by his sides, knuckles white.
"Stay away from him."
Jiang Ci's voice wasn't loud, but it carried a sharpness like an icy blade, each word striking the ground. He stared at Lin Wei, his eyes terrifyingly gloomy, like a beast whose territory had been invaded, ready to pounce and tear the intruder apart at any moment.
“He only wants to study.” Jiang Ci took a half step forward, and Lin Wei was intimidated by his aura and stepped back. “Your behavior will only affect his college entrance examination.”
Lin Wei's face paled slightly, but she quickly regained her composure. She glanced at Jiang Ci, then looked over his shoulder at Xie Qingyan, and suddenly smiled—a smile tinged with a hint of defiance, but more so with the competitive spirit aroused by the challenge.
“Okay,” she said, raising her chin. “Then it won’t affect him. I’ll pursue him after the college entrance exam, is that alright?”
These words were less directed at Xie Qingyan and more a declaration of war against Jiang Ci.
Jiang Ci's breathing suddenly became heavy.
Xie Qingyan saw his shoulders trembling, not out of fear, but as a sign that some emotion was about to erupt.
You won't have a chance.
Jiang Ci practically roared it out. His voice was hoarse, his eyes surging with rage, and something deeper—panic, like the panic of trying to hold onto something tightly but knowing it might slip through his fingers at any moment.
“In his heart…” Jiang Ci’s words caught in his throat. He turned around abruptly to look at Xie Qingyan, meeting her clear, astonished eyes.
In that instant, Xie Qingyan's heart pounded violently.
That turn of the head—the taut jawline, the bloodshot eyes, that look that mixed anger, despair, and a kind of pleading—was like a key suddenly inserted into a rusted lock deep in the depths of memory.
A scene flashed through my mind: a study with flickering candlelight, another solitary figure in a blue robe suddenly turning around, thunder and rain raging outside the window, and the same resolute determination and pain in that person's eyes.
"He already has someone he likes!" Jiang Ci turned back, her voice trembling with emotion, yet unusually clear, "You have absolutely no chance!"
Dead silence.
Even the wind stopped.
The entire edge of the playground seemed to have been muted. Everyone stared in disbelief at the scene—it wasn't unusual for the school beauty to be rejected after confessing her feelings, but Jiang Ci's appearance in this manner, and the words he uttered…
There's so much information!
"Jiang Ci! Xie Qingyan! Lin Wei!" A stern voice came from behind the crowd.
Mr. Mo, the homeroom teacher of Class 12 in the third year of high school, pushed through the crowd of students and walked over, his face ashen. He had clearly witnessed the latter part of the incident.
"Come to my office with me." Teacher Mo glanced around. "Everyone else, disperse! Go back to the classroom and prepare for class!"
---
The air conditioning in the office was on full blast, and the cold air was seeping into my neck.
Teacher Mo sat behind her desk, with three people standing in front of her. Lin Wei bit her lip, her eyes slightly red. Jiang Ci turned his head to look out the window, his profile hard and cold, like a statue suppressing magma. Xie Qingyan stood at the far end, his eyes lowered, seemingly calm, but his fingertips were trembling slightly—the fleeting fragments of memory from earlier were still clashing in his mind.
"There are less than seven months left until the college entrance exam," Teacher Mo tapped the table. "Do you know what that means?"
No one answered.
"This means this is the most important sprint stage of your life!" Teacher Mo raised her voice. "Lin Wei, your grades are good, you need to maintain your position in the top fifty of the grade, but is that your excuse to slack off? Confessing your feelings in public, and saying you'd wait until after the college entrance exam—are you leaving yourself a way out, or are you putting pressure on your classmates?"
Lin Wei lowered her head, her fingers twisting the hem of her clothes.
“And you, Jiang Ci.” Teacher Mo turned to him, her tone even harsher. “I know your situation is special, and the school has tried its best to be tolerant. But tolerance is not indulgence! What kind of attitude was that just now? What kind of words were those? He already has someone he likes—are you just making things worse?”
Jiang Ci's eyelashes trembled, but he kept staring out the window, his Adam's apple bobbing.
“Xie Qingyan is a promising talent,” Teacher Mo said, softening her tone but remaining serious. “He has a weak foundation, and now is the time for him to work hard to catch up. Are you all helping him or harming him by making such a fuss around him?”
"Teacher, I'm sorry," Xie Qingyan said softly. "It was my fault for handling it poorly."
"It's none of your business." Teacher Mo waved her hand and sighed. "At your age, it's understandable that you have admiration and affection. But understanding doesn't mean support. What is the college entrance examination? It's like thousands of troops crossing a single-plank bridge! Those things that seem so important to you now may not even be worth mentioning after the college entrance examination."
He then spoke earnestly for another ten minutes, covering everything from life ideals to the pressures of reality, and finally concluded: "Put matters of the heart aside for now. Once you've been admitted to university, seen a wider world, and met more people, if you still feel that the other person is the only choice, your teacher will not stop you."
“But now,” he concluded, “everything should be focused on your studies. Lin Wei, go back and write a self-criticism, and hand it in to me tomorrow. Jiang Ci, you stay behind.”
Lin Wei felt like she had been granted a pardon. She quickly bowed and walked out. As she passed Xie Qingyan, she paused and said in a voice only the two of them could hear, "I'm sorry... Also, I meant it when I said I'd wait until after the college entrance exam."
She pushed open the door and went out.
Only three people remained in the office. Teacher Mo glanced at Jiang Ci, who was still stiff, and said to Xie Qingyan, "You can go out first and wait for me outside the door."
Xie Qingyan glanced worriedly at Jiang Ci's retreating figure, replied "Yes," and turned to leave.
The door closed gently.
Teacher Mo didn't rush to speak. She picked up her teacup, took a sip, and sized up Jiang Ci. This student had transferred here two months ago, and the shocking records in his file—fighting, truancy, psychological evaluation reports—were hardly a perfect match for the genius boy before her.
“Jiang Ci,” Teacher Mo put down her cup, “there’s no one else here, tell me the truth.”
Jiang Ci finally turned around and looked at him with empty eyes.
"Do you...?" Teacher Mo carefully chose her words, "have feelings for Xie Qingyan that go beyond those of ordinary classmates?"
Jiang Ci's pupils suddenly contracted.
“You don’t need to deny it so quickly,” Teacher Mo waved his hand. “I’ve been teaching for twenty years and have seen too many students. Look at his eyes, and your reaction just now was unusual.”
Jiang Ci's lips pressed into a pale line.
“If so, the teacher won’t judge right or wrong.” Teacher Mo leaned back in her chair. “But you need to understand that this kind of relationship is a burden for both of you at this stage. You know Xie Qingyan’s family situation; he’s desperately trying to change his fate through the college entrance exam. And you? You had a bright future ahead of you, but now you’re stuck in this school…”
He paused for a moment, then softened his voice: "Your teacher is worried about you. Your current state is like a string stretched too tight, ready to snap at any moment. If you were to get involved in another relationship that is misunderstood and full of pressure, could you handle it? Could Xie Qingyan handle it?"
Jiang Ci's fingers dug deeply into his palm.
He couldn't handle it.
He knew he couldn't handle it. Just seeing Lin Wei walk towards Xie Qingyan today almost made him lose control. What if there were more people like that in the future? What if Xie Qingyan really fell for someone…?
Just imagining it made him breathless.
"Think it over carefully." Teacher Mo stood up and patted him on the shoulder. "Go back first. Remember, no matter what, protect yourself and don't hurt others."
Jiang Ci bowed mechanically, then turned and opened the door.
Outside the door, Xie Qingyan stood leaning against the wall. Seeing him come out, she immediately straightened up, her eyes filled with undisguised worry: "Jiang Ci, you..."
"It's nothing," Jiang Ci interrupted him, his voice hoarse. "Teacher Mo wants you to go in."
He walked past Xie Qingyan without stopping, heading straight for the stairwell. His back was solitary, as if he were walking alone to some dark place.
Xie Qingyan watched his retreating figure, her heart clenching as if gripped by something. She took a deep breath, pushed open the door, and returned to her office.
"Close the door," Teacher Mo said.
Xie Qingyan did as instructed, then stood in front of the desk, waiting for the teacher to speak.
Teacher Mo sized him up—this student possessed a maturity beyond his years, clear eyes, and studied with an almost desperate intensity. He genuinely wanted to help him.
"Xie Qingyan," Teacher Mo lowered her voice, "there's no one else here, tell me the truth."
Xie Qingyan's heart jumped.
"What Jiang Ci said—that you have someone you like—is that true?" Teacher Mo's gaze was sharp. "Is it someone from our school?"
The question, like a stone thrown into a deep pool, shattered Xie Qingyan's usual tranquility.
The person you like?
The phrase echoed strangely in his mind. In both his past and present lives, his thoughts had never truly lingered on the private, tender emotion of "liking." In his past life, his mind was only filled with Confucian classics and the path to fame and fortune; in this life, he thought about the college entrance exam and changing his destiny. He was grateful to Jiang Ci, dependent on Jiang Ci, and regarded him as an important person, but was this the same as liking someone?
But why, the moment the teacher asked that question—
His mind flashed uncontrollably to Jiang Ci's lowered eyelashes as he explained problems to him in the morning light, his focused profile having briefly made him lose his composure; he flashed to the silent yet steadfast support in the hospital, where he felt not only gratitude but also a sense of security that came from having Jiang Ci by his side; he flashed to the trembling back of Jiang Ci standing in front of him just now, at which moment his heart raced, and besides shock, he felt a tremor of being so fiercely protected.
And there's that blurry, past-life phantom that overlaps with Jiang Ci's.
These fragmented images and feelings were suddenly strung together by the theme of the person he liked, like scattered beads being strung together by a thread, presenting a startling and unprecedented outline to him.
He was stunned.
It wasn't because there was an answer, but because the question itself suddenly became incredibly real and imminent.
"I..." His lips moved, but the sound caught in his throat. He couldn't answer with the certainty of a physics question, saying "yes" or "no." Because even he himself didn't know. What exactly was this concern for Jiang Ci, this bond that went beyond the boundaries of ordinary classmates?
But the teacher's gaze was fixed on him, filled with scrutiny and worry. The bright red countdown numbers for the college entrance exam on the wall were glaringly obvious. The near-breakdown state Jiang Ci had been in when he left was a screaming warning in his mind.
I can't say.
It's not that he can't say "yes," but rather that things he hasn't even clarified yet, things that even he himself finds unfamiliar and confusing, absolutely cannot be defined or exposed at this moment, or in this way. That would bring endless trouble, disrupt everything, hurt Jiang Ci, and destroy the fragile yet important status quo they've been desperately trying to maintain.
Xie Qingyan's protective instincts overwhelmed all her chaotic thoughts.
He took a deep breath, forcibly suppressing the unfamiliar agitation in his heart, raised his eyes, and tried his best to restore his usual clear and calm gaze, answering in the most composed and convincing tone:
"Teacher Mo, no."
He noticed that the teacher's shoulders and neck had relaxed noticeably, but somewhere deep inside him, this denial caused a slight twitch—as if his subconscious was reminding him that he might have just denied something very important that he himself did not yet understand.
“Jiang Ci just…” Xie Qingyan carefully chose her words, “just wanted to help me out of a tight spot, that was a bit too harsh. Right now, I only have my studies on my mind, I don’t like anyone.”
He spoke each word steadily and sincerely.
Only he knew that deep within his heart, a subtle, stinging pain was shooting through him because of those words.
---
In the shadows of the corner in the hallway outside the door.
Jiang Ci remained pressed against the cold, tiled wall, without leaving.
He heard the door open, heard Xie Qingyan walk in, and then—the door wasn't closed properly, leaving a thin crack.
A low voice from Teacher Mo could be faintly heard: "...Is it true? Is it from our school?"
Jiang Ci held his breath.
He didn't know why he was hiding there eavesdropping, like a thief trying to steal a sentence that might not even exist. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest, making his ribs ache.
Then, he heard Xie Qingyan's voice.
Clear, calm, and without any ripples.
"No."
"Right now, I only have studying on my mind; I don't like anyone."
Bang.
It felt like something inside my body had shattered.
Jiang Ci closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against the cold wall.
My first reaction was relief—thankfully, it wasn't someone else. Xie Qingyan had never liked anyone.
But then, a huge sense of loss washed over him like a tidal wave.
I see.
"Help me out of this predicament," "That was a bit too harsh"—that's how Xie Qingyan defined his out-of-control performance just now.
It turns out that those surging possessiveness that almost burst out of her chest, those moments of panic that made her tremble, those intense emotions that even she herself was afraid of, were just her deskmate's excessive enthusiasm and impulsiveness in Xie Qingyan's eyes.
Unrequited love.
This word is like a dull knife, slowly cutting open my chest. Not intense, but a lingering, persistent pain.
Jiang Ci twitched the corners of his mouth, trying to laugh, but only managed a hollow, unsatisfying curve. The last glimmer of light that had ignited in his eyes due to the outburst extinguished completely, sinking into an unfathomable abyss.
He turned around, not to return to the classroom, but to walk down the stairs, down and down, until he pushed open the heavy back door of the teaching building and stepped into the scorching midday sun.
---
When Xie Qingyan came out of the office, the corridor was already empty.
He returned to the classroom just as the bell rang for lunch break. His classmates returned one after another, and when they saw him, their eyes were filled with strange looks—the scene on the playground had clearly spread.
Xie Qingyan ignored them all and went straight to her seat.
Jiang Ci's seat was empty.
The thick original English book was still lying open on the table, the pencil case was open, and a black pen rolled to the edge of the table, almost falling off.
Xie Qingyan reached out and picked up the pen, putting it back in the pencil case. Her heart suddenly skipped a beat when her fingertips touched the cold metal clip.
He sat down and looked at the empty chair next to him.
The shadows of the camphor trees outside the window flickered on the desk, casting dappled light. Two girls in the front row were whispering to each other, glancing back at him every now and then.
Xie Qingyan picked up his physics workbook and flipped to the few typical problems Jiang Ci had highlighted for him. The solution steps were still there, and Jiang Ci's handwriting was sharp and forceful.
He looked at it for a long time, but couldn't understand a single word.
Teacher Mo's question and my own resolute "no" kept echoing in my ears.
He lied.
For the first time in my life, I lied to my teacher.
That lie is like a thorn stuck in my throat; I can't swallow it, I can't spit it out.
What unsettled him even more was Jiang Ci—where had he gone? And the way he left just now…
Xie Qingyan slammed the exercise book shut and stood up.
"Xie Qingyan?" The girl in the front row looked at him in surprise. "Class is about to start."
"I'm going to the restroom," he said in a low voice, and quickly walked out of the classroom.
The corridor was empty, with only the sounds of teachers lecturing and students studying coming from the classrooms. Xie Qingyan didn't go to the restroom, but instead searched for one floor at a time as she descended the stairs.
There is none on the first floor.
The playground was deserted except for a few physical education students training.
The library is closed for maintenance.
He walked around the teaching building and finally stopped in a quiet corner behind the laboratory building.
There is an old locust tree there, and under the tree is the edge of a cement flower bed.
Jiang Ci sat there.
He stood with his back to him, slightly hunched over, elbows resting on his knees, fingers tucked into his hair. The afternoon sun filtered through the locust tree branches, casting dappled patterns of light on him. His figure looked so small, so frail, as if it might vanish into the wind at any moment.
Xie Qingyan stopped five steps away.
He wanted to go over and say something, to explain that what he had said in the office earlier wasn't the whole truth—
But what explanation? Should I say, "I actually have someone I like, that person could be you, or it could be a phantom from my past life, but I can't tell"?
Even he himself found it absurd.
He stood there, watching the huddled figure. The wind blew, the locust tree leaves rustled, and a few early yellow leaves drifted down, landing on Jiang Ci's shoulder, but he didn't brush them away.
Time passed by, second by second.
Until the preparatory bell rang, it was time for the break between classes.
Jiang Ci finally moved. He lowered his hand, slowly straightened up, but did not turn around. He simply looked up at the leaves above his head, his neck forming a fragile arc.
Xie Qingyan saw him raise his hand and wipe his eyes forcefully.
Then Jiang Ci stood up, dusted off his pants, and turned around.
Their eyes met.
Jiang Ci's eyes were still red, but there was nothing in them—no anger, no disappointment, no intense emotions like those he had shown on the playground. Only a vast, unfathomable silence.
He glanced at Xie Qingyan with a strange look in his eyes, as if he were looking at an insignificant passerby.
Then he walked past Xie Qingyan without stopping or saying a word, heading straight for the teaching building.
Xie Qingyan stood still, the shadow of the locust tree swaying at his feet.
A strange and distinct dull pain shot through her heart, because of Jiang Ci's empty gaze, and also because of... her own resolute "no" in the office just now.
Why?
This question struck my mind so clearly for the first time.
Why did I feel a strange flutter in my heart when I saw Jiang Ci shielding Lin Wei from him and saying "He has someone in his heart"?
Why, when questioned by the teacher, did the first thought that surged in her mind not be the worry of being discovered about their puppy love, but rather the protective instinct not to involve Jiang Ci? Even in the moment of denying it, did she experience a stinging feeling akin to betrayal?
Why do I feel so empty inside as I watch his solitary figure leave, as if I've lost something more important than the college entrance exam or my grades?
These chaotic thoughts, like a sudden summer downpour, pelted down on him, catching him off guard. In his past life, he had studied diligently, his mind entirely focused on classics, history, philosophy, and the art of governing the country; in this life, having transmigrated, his only goal was to achieve a comeback in the college entrance examination. "Liking" such romantic and tangled matters was, in his life plan, as distant as a word from another world.
He had never thought in this direction. At first, he felt gratitude towards Jiang Ci, admiration for his talent, pity for his plight, and a sense of accustomedness to his company... All these emotions intertwined into a fine web, and he felt safe and warm within it, but he never thought to clarify what it all meant.
Even today.
Lin Wei's confession was like a mirror, forcing him to see the tension and possessiveness between him and Jiang Ci that far exceeded that of ordinary classmates.
Until the teacher's question was like a key, suddenly opening a door he had never realized he had.
What was behind the door? He dared not look closely, but his heart was already pounding wildly.
A gust of wind blew, and another locust leaf landed on Xie Qingyan's shoulder. Xie Qingyan raised her hand to brush it away, her fingertips feeling icy cold.
He suddenly remembered a rainy night in his past life when he was studying in his study until late at night. He opened the window and saw a wild plum tree by the backyard wall, clinging tightly to the branches in the downpour, refusing to fall.
At that time, he did not understand that stubbornness.
Now, he seems to be starting to understand.
It's not because we've already found the answer.
Rather, it was because he finally saw the problem.
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