Chapter 16
Only now do I realize how vast the world is, and how boundless knowledge is. The classics are boats, science is a boat, and art is a boat. All of us must cross the same vast ocean.
"Jiang Ci," he murmured to himself, his gaze seemingly trying to pierce through the towering buildings to see the imprisoned boy, "Wait a moment."
"Let me conquer these heavenly books first."
The wind rustled the papers spread out on the desk. The dense red crosses, blue notes, and black questions gradually blurred into a dark, mottled mass in the twilight.
But Xie Qingyan's eyes shone with an astonishing light in the dimming room.
That wasn't desperate courage, but the composure of a chess player after seeing the whole game, or the clear path planning of a mountain climber looking up at the summit.
The issues have been listed.
The journey has been planned.
All that's left to do is climb over it step by step.
He turned around and turned on the desk lamp.
The warm yellow light shone down, illuminating the eight characters he had just written on the cover of the question book:
[Knowing the difficulties yet persevering, one will surely reach their destination, no matter how far.]
The night is still long.
——
On the third day of the National Day holiday, Xie's mother, watching her son's back as he hunched over his desk for days on end, finally couldn't hold back anymore.
"Xiao Yan, stop looking, you'll ruin your eyes." Xie's mother wiped her hands as she came out of the kitchen. "The Mid-Autumn Festival is in a couple of days. Come on, come with me to the mall to buy some things for the festival, and I'll also buy you a couple of new outfits."
Xie Qingyan looked up from the sea of problems and rubbed his aching temples. He knew his mother was worried about him, and he understood the importance of balancing work and rest. Although he had thoroughly grasped most of the key points and problem-solving strategies Jiang Ci had highlighted, he still needed a break to figure out the deeper questions.
"Okay." He closed his book and stood up. Indeed, the sleeves of his school uniform jacket seemed to have shortened a little more.
The shopping mall in the city center was bustling with people, and the festive atmosphere was strong. With a clear goal in mind, Xie's mother pulled her son straight to the third floor, where there was a sale on affordable clothing.
She weaved through the aisle lined with clothes racks, holding up shirts and jackets, occasionally turning back to ask, "How about this one? The blue one suits you... Oh, these pants are made of nice material, but I don't know if the length is right..."
Xie Qingyan patiently stayed with him, but his gaze drifted absently towards the bustling crowd in the courtyard downstairs.
Just then, his gaze suddenly froze.
On the second floor, Jiang Ci stood by the glass railing of a boutique.
The young man wore a well-made hoodie and trousers, his posture still upright, but the lines of his face were extremely taut, and his lips were pressed into a pale line. Beside him was a middle-aged woman with exquisite makeup and fashionable clothes, pointing at something in the counter and talking, her expression showing obvious impatience.
The woman bore no resemblance to Jiang Ci and did not seem to be Jiang Ci's mother. Considering that Jiang Ci had never mentioned his mother, Xie Qingyan deduced that the woman must be Jiang Ci's stepmother.
Xie Qingyan's heart skipped a beat, and she almost blurted out that name. As if by telepathy, Jiang Ci downstairs also looked up at that moment, as if sensing something.
Their gazes met abruptly across the open atrium of the shopping mall, through the bustling crowd.
Jiang Ci's pupils contracted almost imperceptibly. In those eyes, which were always filled with gloom or irritability, there was now a complex mix of emotions—a fleeting surprise, an unfathomable weariness, and a trapped anxiety.
Jiang Ci made no expression, but shook his head very quickly and very slightly, almost imperceptibly.
Then, Jiang Ci was the first to look away and return to the counter her stepmother was pointing at. Her profile was cold and distant, as if the brief eye contact had never happened.
Xie Qingyan thought it was just a coincidence, but little did he know that Jiang Ci had gone to several places in the past three days in order to run into him, including the library, the central square, Lotus Mountain, and even Hongfa Temple. He never expected that the two of them would meet in the mall.
"Xiao Yan, what are you daydreaming about? Come and try this on!" Xie's mother called out to him, holding up a beige cardigan.
Xie Qingyan forced herself to look away, suppressing the surging emotions in her heart, and took the clothes: "Okay."
Outside the fitting room, Xie's mother was still discussing sizes and prices with the enthusiastic sales assistant. Xie Qingyan had just changed her clothes and was adjusting her cuffs when the clothing store's curtain moved.
Jiang Ci and her stepmother also walked into the store.
In the confined space, the air seemed to freeze instantly.
Mother Xie was taken aback at first, then a simple and warm smile bloomed on her face: "Oh, it's Xiao Ci! What a coincidence, you're here to buy clothes too?" She subconsciously wanted to step forward and pat the boy's shoulder familiarly, just like she used to do at home.
Jiang Ci's stepmother frowned her carefully drawn eyebrows, her critical gaze quickly sweeping over the bag of inexpensive clothes that Xie's mother was carrying, then over the brand-new clothes that Xie Qingyan was wearing, which clearly had just had the tags removed, and she let out a barely audible snort.
Jiang Ci reacted even faster. Before Xie's mother could get close, he had already subtly taken a half step back, avoiding any possible physical contact. He raised his eyes, his gaze falling on Xie's mother's face, then quickly sweeping over Xie Qingyan beside her. His eyes were devoid of any warmth, only an icy indifference.
"Hmm." He responded very briefly, his voice dry, without any further pleasantries, and he didn't even glance at Xie Qingyan a second time. Then, he turned to his stepmother, his tone flat and emotionless: "There's no suitable one here, go somewhere else."
After saying that, he turned around and walked straight out of the store, his back view resolute and without the slightest trace of lingering affection.
His stepmother seemed used to his attitude; she merely pursed her lips, not even glancing at Xie's mother, before following him out in her high heels. Her complaint, not too loud, drifted over: "You insisted on coming to this shabby place, and then you didn't buy anything. What a waste of time..."
Mother Xie raised her hand, her smile frozen on her face, and looked at her son helplessly: "Xiao Yan, is Jiang Ci... unhappy? Should we..."
"Mom, it's nothing." Xie Qingyan quickly interrupted his mother. He stared at Jiang Ci's retreating figure as he disappeared through the door, his heart clenching under Jiang Ci's icy gaze. His mind raced. Wait, that last look Jiang Ci gave him, though cold, seemed to... his fingertips twitched almost imperceptibly? Was it nervousness? Or a hint?
“Maybe something’s wrong at home and he’s in a bad mood,” he reassured his mother calmly. “Mom, why don’t you see if there’s anything else you want to buy? I… I’ll go look somewhere else.”
He had to do something.
Xie Qingyan strode out of the clothing store, her gaze quickly sweeping across the second floor. Jiang Ci and his stepmother were heading towards the escalator. His stepmother was still talking, and Jiang Ci listened with his head slightly turned, his profile still cold and hard.
What to do? With everyone watching and his stepmother right beside him, he couldn't get close at all.
Just then, he saw a little boy, about five or six years old, holding a balloon, skipping and hopping past Jiang Ci, with a few fruit candies clutched in his hand.
In a flash, a bold idea popped into Xie Qingyan's mind.
He quickly retreated into the shop, and under Xie's mother's questioning gaze, swiftly took a notepad and pen from the counter. Turning his back, he held the pen between his fingertips and, with minimal movement, wrote two characters on the paper, each one bold and powerful.
He then clutched the note tightly in his hand and strode to the shop entrance. Just then, the little boy ran back, and Xie Qingyan waved to him. The little boy skipped and hopped over.
"Brother, you were looking for me?"
Xie Qingyan squatted down, revealing the gentlest and most harmless smile on his face. He quickly opened his hand, which was clutching the note, revealing a piece of milk candy that his mother had insisted on giving him but which he hadn't eaten, and the note folded to the size of a fingernail.
“Little boy,” he said softly but quickly, “can you do me a favor? See that handsome older brother over there in the gray clothes?” He quietly pointed to Jiang Ci’s back as he walked down the escalator. “Run over there and give him this candy. Just say… say ‘Happy National Day.’ This is your reward.” He put another intact candy into the little boy’s hand.
The little boy's eyes lit up. He looked at the candy, then at Xie Qingyan's gentle and expectant gaze, nodded vigorously, grabbed the candy with the note wrapped in paper, and hopped after her like a little rabbit.
Xie Qingyan's heart leaped into his throat. He hid behind a pillar and watched the little boy run to Jiang Ci's side, tug at his clothes, hold up the candy, and look up at him, saying something.
Jiang Ci was clearly stunned. He looked down at the child who had suddenly appeared, then subconsciously glanced at his stepmother who was frowning beside him. After hesitating for a moment, he still took the candy.
The stepmother urged impatiently, "Hurry up and leave. I don't want to stay in this awful place for even a second longer."
Jiang Ci didn't say anything, but held the candy in her palm and seemed to gently rub the little boy's hair with her other hand. Then she turned around and followed her stepmother toward the mall exit.
Xie Qingyan watched their figures disappear through the glass door before slowly exhaling a breath she had been holding. Her palms were sweaty.
He didn't know if Jiang Ci would find out, or when he would find out. But he had to do it.
On the other side, in the back seat of a car driving away from the mall.
Jiang Ci leaned against the car window, watching the street scene rushing past outside. The cheap milk candy in his palm was digging into his hand and hurt.
His stepmother was still complaining about how crowded the mall was and how cheap the goods were, saying she would never come to a mall like that, which was only for poor people. He ignored her.
It wasn't until the car was waiting at a long red light that he used the excuse of adjusting his posture to place his hand holding the candy in the shadows beside him, his fingertips twirling the candy wrapper very lightly.
The faint sound of plastic candy wrappers was masked by the car's music.
He sensed something was off about it. It wasn't the firmness of the candy.
My heart skipped a beat without warning.
He lowered his eyelids, blocking the possible view in the rearview mirror with his body, and carefully used his fingernail to pry open a corner of the candy wrapper, taking advantage of the changing light from outside the window.
A tiny, neatly folded piece of paper peeked out from inside.
His breathing stopped.
Without making a sound, he completely unwrapped the candy, and the candy rolled into his palm. He then pinched the small piece of paper between his fingers, and with a quick movement, clenched it tightly in his hand.
Until he returned to that cold, quiet villa, to his own room, which was covered by surveillance cameras and had only a sliver of privacy in the bathroom, and locked the door.
In the bathroom, Jiang Ci spread out his sweaty palms.
On the slightly crumpled piece of paper were only two words. It was Xie Qingyan's handwriting, which he recognized. The strokes were neat, yet carried a resolute strength, as if it could pierce through the paper and burn into his heart.
Don't be afraid.
Jiang Ci stared intently at those two words for a very long time. His fingertips turned slightly white from the pressure, yet he handled them with utmost care, as if afraid of crushing the immense weight contained within that thin paper.
Then, he made a choice that surprised even himself, almost instinctively.
He slowly and meticulously refolded the paper strip along the original creases. Then, without hesitation, he picked up the ordinary, unremarkable milk candy that had rolled out of the wrapper and put it in his mouth.
The cheap, artificial sweetness melted instantly in his mouth, a little too sweet, even with a slight astringency from industrial saccharin. But Jiang Ci closed his eyes, pressed the tip of his tongue against it, and let that sweetness spread slowly, bit by bit. It was as if this wasn't a piece of candy, but a medicine, a ray of light, something he needed to absorb and remember with his whole being.
The sweetness slid down my throat, seemingly bringing a touch of illusory warmth.
He opened his eyes, and in the depths of the frozen lake beneath them, there seemed to be extremely faint ripples spreading out.
He gently smoothed out the fine wrinkles on the remaining candy wrapper. What had once held a secret was now part of that secret itself. He walked to the bookshelf, pulled out a rare, almost untouched copy of *The Myth of Sisyphus*, turned to a nearly new chapter, and carefully tucked the unremarkable candy wrapper inside.
Closing the book, the faint sweetness seemed to linger on my teeth, while the thrill brought by those two words had quietly sunk to the deepest part of my heart, carefully covered and treasured by the hard ice and the heavy book.
He slid down to the floor, leaning against the cold bookshelf, hugged his knees, and buried his face in his arms.
This time, there was no trembling.
He simply maintained that absolutely defensive posture, quietly and repeatedly savoring the fleeting, yet real, sweetness in his mouth in the darkness where no one could see him.
And, savoring those two words.
Don't be afraid.
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