Chapter 31 What is love? : "Let's end this relationship."
Qin Lan was completely stunned, staring blankly as she watched the woman act as if no one else was around. She stood there for a moment, as if struck by lightning, and when she finally spoke, her voice was hoarse: "What are you doing???"
Jiang Yan looked over, her alluring face a mixture of pleasure and pain. Even at this moment, she was crying, her tear tracks soaking her skin, once again violently assaulting Qin Lan's already shattered defenses: "Can't you tell?"
"I mean, why are you so beautiful and radiant here on my estate, right in front of me?"
&@＊%＃※！ ！
She insisted on not saying the last two words, but Jiang Yan's direct gaze made her feel uneasy, and she even wanted to run away.
"Teacher Qin, come here." Jiang Yan raised her chin and slightly lifted her bound hands. The thing was slowly unraveling.
Qin Lan shook her head frantically and even took a step back: "No."
"It fell out," Jiang Yan said calmly, her tear tracks clearly visible. "Aren't you going to put it back?"
Qin Lan stood rooted to the spot, as if bewitched, too afraid to move. She began to wonder if she was dreaming, or if she was possessed by some evil spirit. How could this world be so surreal?
"Whose illusion is this? Please let me out." Her lips trembled, and she was covered in cold sweat.
After all, sword cultivators are most afraid of magic cultivators' free-fighting style.
"Help me, Teacher Qin." Jiang Yan raised her hand again, indicating that she was uncomfortable: "It hurts so much."
Seeing that she remained rooted to the spot and refused to come over, Jiang Yan loosened her grip on Qin Lan's wrist a little. She raised her head, her slender neck arched back, and groaned softly, burying her face in Qin Lan's pillow in unbearable discomfort.
"What exactly do you want to do?" Qin Lan's voice broke down.
Jiang Yan lowered her head and smiled, a hint of tenderness appearing on her face: "I want you to manipulate me."
Qin Lan turned and left.
That's insane.
She felt like she was going crazy as she soaked in the cold bathtub. Why did she even have to provoke this crazy woman?
She had warmed up the entire tub of cold water. Qin Lan turned on the tap expressionlessly, filled a container, and splashed some water on her face.
The bathroom fell silent again, but the sounds from outside could still be heard.
Qin Lan turned her head away angrily, her reflection shimmering in the frosted glass. She desperately wanted to throw Jiang Yan out—this was her bedroom!!
At first, she tried to calm herself in the water, but then she actually fell asleep. When she woke up, Jiang Yan was standing beside her, holding a towel and clothes, and nudged her in a hoarse voice: "Get up, the water's cold."
Qin Lan groggily got up, then suddenly screamed and shoved her.
"Aaaaah!" she cried, covering herself in utter shame and indignation. "Get out!"
Jiang Yan didn't say a word, put down her things and left.
Qin Lan hurriedly put on her nightgown, and it took her a while to realize that Jiang Yan's expression was strange.
Qin Lan put on her clothes and walked out of the bathroom.
The room was dark, but a faint light from the bathroom shone through the frosted glass. There was a bulge on the bed, motionless.
Qin Lan's heart softened, and she went over to pull the blanket back a little: "Jiang Yan? Are you still feeling unwell?"
Jiang Yan remained silent, her eyes closed, as if she were asleep.
"How about you drink some more honey water?"
Qin Lan remembered that her voice had just become hoarse.
She helped the woman sit up against the headboard and gently coaxed her to drink some honey water. Jiang Yan's eyelashes fluttered, and she glanced at her with red eyes.
“You’re back,” she said, looking heartbroken. “You came back from drinking outside.”
Qin Lan: "...You make it sound like I've wronged you."
Jiang Yan lay back down without saying a word and pulled the blanket over her head.
Qin Lan glanced at her helplessly, turned off the bathroom light, then turned off the outside light as well, kicked off her shoes, and climbed into bed.
Jiang Yan was taking up the entire blanket by herself, so she had to lift it up a little: "You're such a tyrant, you've covered the whole blanket with it, what am I supposed to cover myself with?"
"Aren't you going to kick me out?" A muffled voice came from under the covers.
"...Are you reminding me?"
Jiang Yan fell silent again.
Qin Lan, both amused and annoyed, snatched the blanket and managed to cover herself. She tried to sleep on either side, but felt uneasy. She had a half-hearted dream, then suddenly woke up with a start, reaching out to touch the blanket beside her; it was ice-cold.
Qin Lan sat up in surprise, "Jiang Yan?"
The room was pitch black; not a single light was on.
She quickly got out of bed and rushed outside without even putting on her shoes.
There was no one in the living room.
She walked into Jiang Yan's bedroom and looked at the bed first. The quilt was still neatly spread out on the bed.
Qin Lan's heart sank. Just as she was about to turn around, she suddenly looked up as if sensing something. Jiang Yan was standing on the balcony, a slender cigarette between her fingers, silently watching her with her head tilted to the side.
"You scared me to death." Qin Lan breathed a sigh of relief, slowly walked over, and took her cigarette away: "Why did you suddenly start smoking?"
Jiang Yan remained silent for a while before saying, "I want to smoke one."
"Is it addictive?" Qin Lan took a drag and extinguished the cigarette on the railing.
No, I rarely smoke.
"Are you cold?" Qin Lan asked, trying to make conversation.
"It's not cold." Jiang Yan took out her cigarette case and lit another one.
"Didn't you say you weren't addicted?" Qin Lan was taken aback and looked at her questioningly.
"I also said I wanted to smoke one."
Jiang Yan didn't look at her, but her words stung Qin Lan. Her temper flared, and she suppressed it, saying, "What? Want to start a fight?"
Jiang Yan turned her head, the smoke dissipating into the night: "Why are you arguing in the middle of the night? Go back to sleep."
The moon emerged from the clouds, illuminating Jiang Yan's face. Even though Qin Lan had wiped her face before she went to sleep, those two tear tracks reappeared on her face.
Qin Lan realized she was crying and softened her tone: "Can't you speak properly? Why are you crying again?"
Jiang Yan didn't answer, extinguished her cigarette, turned and left. A small piece of ash fell down, and Qin Lan's expression twisted. He couldn't help but hiss.
Jiang Yan frowned and looked down: "You're not wearing shoes?"
She immediately bent down, her silent gesture revealing her heartache: "Why did you run out without shoes?"
Qin Lan looked at the whorl of her hair, initially suppressing his urge to touch it, but then suddenly realized that Jiang Yan was now his girlfriend, so he reached out and ruffled it without any qualms.
Jiang Yan froze. After two seconds, she stood up, pulled her back to the bedroom, made her sit on the bed, and filled a basin with water to wash her feet.
Qin Lan was startled and almost kicked over the basin of water: "What are you doing?"
Jiang Yan forcefully pushed her back down. Qin Lan was still feeling uncomfortable, gripping the sheets tightly: "It's just stepping on the floor, you can just wipe it off, it's the middle of the night and you're still..."
“It’s windy and dirty on the balcony,” Jiang Yan said simply, drying her feet. “Go to sleep.”
"Aren't you coming up?" Qin Lan asked, a little surprised. There was even a hint of trepidation in her voice that she herself didn't realize.
Jiang Yan was silent for a moment, then said, "Can you please stop doing this?"
Qin Lan was completely bewildered: "What?"
"You don't like me, but you're still very nice to me. You're my girlfriend, but you keep looking at other people. You're so mean to me, even though I know you're meaner to other people, but you just went off to drink with them without saying a word, leaving me alone in the hotel."
"I hate myself for my heart beating up and down because of your every move." Jiang Yan said softly, "For three years I thought I had perfected my cultivation, but I just didn't want to admit it. The moment I saw you standing in front of me, I was doomed."
Qin Lan opened her mouth, then closed it again, feeling like she understood but didn't quite.
Tears streamed down Jiang Yan's face. "You're so mean, and you're not nice to me either. You won't let me into your bed, and you won't touch me even though you see how sad I am. We're clearly in a relationship, but you make me solve everything myself. You're bad in every way, but I love everything about you."
She silently clutched her chest, her expression bitter: "I know I'm very lucky now. I never expected you would be willing to let me be your girlfriend, even if it's not official. But I just can't help wanting more. I really want to hear you speak gentle words to me with those harsh lips, just to me... to say that you like me, even if it's just a little bit."
She was overwhelmed by emotions again tonight. The grief that almost destroyed her three years ago resurfaced. When she noticed Qin Lan's gaze on Feng Manhong during the day, she was only a little annoyed. But when she waited repeatedly at the hotel and saw them doing a dare at the bar, the disappointment that had accumulated in that moment swept over her, overwhelming her completely.
Jiang Yan felt ashamed of her soft heart; even though she was drowning her sorrows in alcohol, she still wanted to drink at the bar where Qin Lan was. She knew Qin Lan was outside while she was showering; she could see him sitting on a chair, his shadow cast on the glass. Her pain and desire burned fiercely, and she couldn't resist climbing into his bed, even extending an invitation to him. Even though his expression of utter shock deeply hurt her, when she realized Jiang Yan hadn't come out of the bathroom for a long time, she dragged her weary body off the bed to call him.
Qin Lan managed to sleep for a while, but she remained awake, never receiving the groggy embrace the other person. She went outside for a smoke, but when the ash fell on Qin Lan's feet, heartache overwhelmed her exhaustion and resentment.
She said she had learned to be carefree, and seemed like a completely different person. But she knew that the helpless version of herself in front of Qin Lan still existed.
She stood there silently shedding tears, and Qin Lan felt her heart breaking just watching her. While struggling against the intense heartache, she stiffly reached out to pull Jiang Yan closer.
Jiang Yan did not resist and let her pull her into her arms. Qin Lan tried to hug her and rested her chin on her shoulder.
She hugged him for a while, then said apologetically, "I'm sorry. I didn't know... you would be so sad."
She hesitated for a moment, feeling embarrassed, but still said, "Last time you said you had figured things out and found yourself, so I thought you wouldn't be too sad."
"I don't know if what you mean by looking at others is when I looked at Feng Yinghou on set. I don't remember looking at anyone else either, you know we were just filming at the time."
“You didn’t see your own eyes,” Jiang Yan said softly.
What's wrong with my eyes??
Qin Lan racked her brains for a long time before finally saying dryly, "It's just admiration."
"But your gaze is so intense. No matter what kind of feelings it is, I can't stand the way you look at others with such intense eyes, but when you look at me, it's so bland."
"I didn't eat bland soup, did I...?" Qin Lan explained, her voice lacking confidence.
"You're very mean to me."
Qin Lan whispered, "...Is there?"
She forced herself to say, "I treat everyone else the same way."
Jiang Yan left her embrace and stood up on the ground again.
"Where are you going?" Qin Lan looked at her reluctantly; she wanted to hug her a little longer.
"Let's end this relationship," Jiang Yan said slowly, but each word was clear. She looked at Qin Lan tenderly, but the light in her eyes slowly dimmed.
"I'm tired. I can't deceive myself into maintaining a one-sided relationship with you anymore. I can't stand that you don't like me but are still nice to me. I don't want to be anxious and heartbroken every day. I don't want to maintain a relationship between two people by myself. I don't want to be abandoned by you again. I don't want to lose myself."
"What did you say?" For a moment, Qin Lan thought she had misheard. She instinctively reached out to pull her, but she broke free. "Are you serious?"
"I'm serious, I've thought it through."
Jiang Yan put her hand in her pocket, clutching the pack of cigarettes.
I like you more than ever. Take care.
Qin Lan was completely taken aback by this turn of events, her heart sinking as if she'd stepped into a hole. She blinked blankly, then explained somewhat anxiously, "I really don't like Feng Manhong, and I won't leave you alone anymore. If you have any complaints about me, just tell me, and I can try to change..."
"So, Qin Lan, do you love me?"
Qin Lan fell silent.
Silence does not necessarily represent the answer, but the answer is often hidden in silence.
After a long while, until Jiang Yan gave a self-deprecating laugh and turned to leave, Qin Lan asked, half in pain and half in confusion, "What is love?"
"Nobody taught me, I really don't know," she said, her voice sounding aggrieved to Jiang Yan.
Jiang Yan stopped. She thought that her beloved, whom she revered as a goddess, was a spoiled noblewoman in Beijing's elite circles, the pampered eldest daughter of the Qin Group, born arrogant and domineering. Of course, she didn't understand what love was or how to love.
She turned around, tears streaming down her face, and strode forward to hug Qin Lan's head and kiss her forehead.
Qin Lan felt a dull ache in her heart, as if struck by a heavy hammer, and her forehead was damp with sweat. She instinctively grabbed the other person's clothes: "Can't you stay? I don't know what love is, but you saying you have to leave makes me so sad."
"But I'm so tired, Qin Lan," Jiang Yan choked out. "I don't have the strength to teach you what love is, and then get hurt by your unconscious actions in the process. I don't think a good relationship should be like this."
"Then... what should it be like?" Qin Lan still looked blank.
Jiang Yan shook her head silently: "At least it won't make me this tired."
"I still don't understand why you left." Qin Lan said, puzzled. "I don't understand. What difference does it make whether we talk or not? You... you've kissed me and slept with me before. I just don't want you to give everything and not get a title in return."
“This is different.” Jiang Yan shook her head: “Qin Lan, this is different.”
She was silent for a while, trying to put the inexplicable sense of loss that she had been suppressing into words: "When we weren't dating, it was only natural for me to pursue you however I wanted. You had no obligation to give me anything in return. I could accept all the inequalities between us and accept my one-sided sacrifices for you without any guilt."
Qin Lan suddenly understood what Jiang Yan was about to say, but she still listened silently as Jiang Yan continued.
"But dating is different. You are my girlfriend, but you don't like me."
“You should have given me more affection, but you didn’t. I can no longer convince myself that this is normal, that we are dating, Qin Lan, even if it’s not official.” She grabbed Qin Lan’s shoulders, her expression anxious and sad: “This is my first relationship, it should be perfect and happy, but I doubt myself every day and regret the decision I made.”
"I'm sorry," Qin Lan said dryly, feeling very sad.
She roughly understood Jiang Yan's anxiety and realized that she had never actually considered things from Jiang Yan's perspective. She had only assumed it was fair to force a title upon her and even signed a contract. Now that she understood, she had no right to try to keep Jiang Yan.
She let Jiang Yan hold her shoulders, and for the first time, she felt the urge to escape.
"I hate you so much, but I also love you so much." Her tears scalded Qin Lan, making him tremble all over.
"I'm leaving."
Qin Lan looked up; the other person's face was expressionless.
Qin Lan's heart skipped a beat. She opened her mouth, unsure of what to say, "Then let's leave it at that. You... won't contact me anymore?"
Jiang Yan said slowly, "Maybe it's a temporary departure, maybe we'll never come back, but we can't continue this unhealthy relationship now. I need to leave you and find myself again, and you also need to leave me and think about whether you don't dislike having someone with you, or whether you need me."
Qin Lan fell silent. Amidst the slow, dull pain, she actually found Jiang Yan captivating. She began to glow, sparkling brightly in Qin Lan's eyes, who had grown accustomed to rare jewels, radiating a powerful light even in the darkness. At this moment, Qin Lan felt somewhat inferior to her; the more she understood the extent of Jiang Yan's suffering, the more she admired the other's courage to leave.
Perhaps she'll be better off without me. Qin Lan thought silently, then let go of her hand, trying to ignore the pain in her heart, and looked at Jiang Yan with a hint of appreciation: "Alright, I wish you a bright future."
"You too." Jiang Yan's voice was muffled in the darkness. "May your future be bright."
"I love you." She gave Qin Lan a final, lingering kiss on the eyes before turning away reluctantly.
The door closed gently.
Qin Lan really wanted to chase after them.
Then she didn't know what to do next.
I've already tried to persuade them to stay, and I've given them my parting wishes. What else can I do? Should I just cling on shamelessly?
I, Qin Lan, would rather die than do that. She slammed back onto the bed and buried herself in the covers, just like Jiang Yan did.
What exactly is love?
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