After the rain, the sky clears up
589.
Wulin City experienced unprecedentedly high temperatures in March. I nearly suffered a heat stroke on the day of the 100-day oath-taking ceremony. Last semester, I reviewed all the knowledge for this semester ahead of time, and this semester, I've been cramming in a lot of weekly tests before the mock exams. Every year at this time, the school's back door is filled with cheerful elderly men and women, waiting to collect the completed exams and piles of review materials from the seniors.
Those papers are important only in terms of timeliness; they are related to your future, and they show how hard you work and how much talent you have. But after they are used for grading and explaining, they are of no further use.
There were mock exams in March and April, and Qiu Yang went back to school. In order to avoid running into each other, I basically stayed indoors except for going to the bathroom during class. He still managed to find a way to run into me and ask me,
"Which one did you volunteer for?"
"The provincial capital, it's convenient for returning to the island."
"Where's your partner? Is he applying to the same school as you?"
"He is a year older than us, and the provincial capital is very close to his place."
"Are you really in a relationship?"
This is what you want to ask, right?
"right."
"How long have you been talking?"
"We talked about it at the end of August last year, so it's been almost half a year."
"Go ahead and make it up." He had an expression that showed he would not be fooled.
"What good would it do me to lie to you? If you don't believe me, don't ask me again. It's annoying."
"Let's travel together after graduation?"
"I'll go with you? Is that okay?" He wanted to travel with An Jin, but he probably didn't have time.
"Who are you dating? Why do I ask so many people and they all say they don't know?"
"Why should I let everyone know about my own business? Hurry up and go to class. If you don't go back now, you will be late."
He looked at me, said nothing more, and turned away.
590.
He said it so bluntly, I thought he'd given up. It was already so late. Next month, I had to fill out my college application, and the month after that, the college entrance exam. But he didn't give up. He just asked me in a different way. He'd text me from time to time, asking me to tell him who my boyfriend was. It seemed like my silence gave him the emboldening to ask, as if I wasn't telling him, I was lying to him, that I didn't have one.
Qiu Yang: Still talking?
I am here.
Me: Don’t bother me.
Qiu Yang: If you tell me who it is, I will give up.
Me: I won’t tell you in this life.
Qiu Yang: The only thing I can do is never give up in this life.
Me: You are sick.
Qiu Yang: Who are you dating?
Qiu Yang: I heard that you were acting alone last semester.
Me: None of your business.
Qiu Yang: When did you break up?
When I liked Xu Jiaheng before, he would always ask me when I stopped loving him. Now that I'm with An Jin, he's always asking me when we're going to break up. He can't say a single nice thing.
Me: No breakup.
Me: If you really want us to break up, then we really won’t break up.
591.
On the day of our graduation photos in early June, Qiu Yang asked me to come over for a group photo. I was busy filling out the yearbook and declined. He ignored my objections and insisted on taking the photo. After the photoshoot, I barely smiled the entire day.
Graduation photos were taken, admission tickets were collected, and textbooks fell out the window or were thrown into the trash, heralding the end of high school life and the arrival of freedom, the break from constraints. But I was still immersed in the exhaustion of the year, in a daze.
I was assigned to No. 4 Middle School for the exam. On the day I visited the exam hall, I passed by the shop where Xu Jiaheng and I had once shared milk tea. I didn't think about him, only that time was so cruel. It pushes you forward, taking you to places you don't want to be, only to force you to admit you want to be there. I've heard that the adult world can be cruel, too. We confirm our choices on a form and then feel satisfied just because we were chosen. I don't have a dream college, so even if I received an acceptance letter, I wouldn't feel satisfied. When I imagine that scene, I feel helpless.
Some say university is a miniature society, others say it's an ivory tower. I would argue that not having to choose isn't freedom either. Perhaps you won't find a single adult in this world who says they've chosen adulthood by choice.
592.
Parents outside the examination room had already prepared flowers and banners. I handed in my answer sheet and stood in the unfamiliar corridor, thinking a lot.
I wondered if there was an alternative to all these events, a possibility that they could have happened in another time and space. In one time and space, I returned to my aunt's side, never missing her smile; in another time and space, my mother returned to me, hugged me, and said she was sorry for abandoning me; in another time and space, Xu Jiaheng liked me, and we were a couple, while Qiu Yang and I were friends...
I got in a taxi, and halfway through the journey, rain started to fall, soaking away all the impossibilities of this time and space. The windshield wipers clicked, and my sorrows reverberated like this. Through the window, I could see the waterfall in my heart.
593.
I have no desires, no needs, but I just survive like this. I long for something, only to have it rubbed off. It wasn't until I met An Jin that I realized I was needed. We hadn't seen each other for over four months. I knew who I was thinking about, but I didn't know if he needed me.
After getting off the bus, I walked into the small building without an elevator and climbed up step by step, turning corners on each floor. I finally reached the seventh floor, where a familiar figure appeared. He was wearing glasses and chewing bubble gum. He said he didn't know what kind of flowers I liked, but he was worried that if he gave me flowers, I would be unhappy and think he was treating me like a girl again.
He said he hadn’t seen me for a long time and missed me.
594.
I heard the sky clear up after the rain and saw the warmth of the hug.
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