Don't think about me when you dive
676.
I really forgot, I only remember the general outline, very vague. But I also feel that if we meet again, I can recognize it. Before we were together, he told me that neither of us was dependent on the other. After we were together, he said,
"Symbiosis is the most loyal form of tenderness." So, by symbiosis, he meant oneness. A part of me, a part of my imagination? We were inseparable. Who was I hugging when we embraced?
677.
The four walls, the barrier between normal and abnormal. Living here, I understand why Anna cried. I also understand that I am the same as her and yet different. The difference is that no one will visit me.
"Do you still want to see him?"
"No," I said.
"Who do you want to see after you get out?"
"Xu Jiaheng."
"Your friend?"
"Yes. We haven't seen each other for a long time. The last time we met was three years ago, no, four years ago."
“Why do you want to see your friends the most?”
"We've known each other for too long." During this time, I've been wondering who the most important person to me is. After much deliberation, it still comes down to Xu Jiaheng. Perhaps it's because he brings me so much more happiness than anyone else.
"Aren't you looking for that person anymore?"
"Don't look for him anymore. If he exists, there's no need to look for him." I smiled.
......
678.
"You can participate in free activities this afternoon."
“How free?”
"Someone will lead you to the third floor later, where you can draw and sing..."
“I can’t draw.”
"You're not going?"
"Go ahead, anyway."
......
"What's this?"
"Mandragora."
"Want to draw?"
"May I?"
"Sure, just color it. Draw whatever you want."
......
"I've finished it."
“Why only green?”
......
"What do you want to do after you get out?"
"Go out? After I go out, I want to write something about myself."
"Memoirs?"
"You could say that."
“Can you share the details with me?”
"Sure. Just write about everyone I knew and met from the age of 11 to 29. Write about everything I remember and everything that happened."
"What would you name it?"
"Do you still want a name? Then, Barnacle."
“Why barnacles?”
"You don't believe me even though I told you."
"You speak first."
"The person I'm looking for once told me that everyone has a dark side that they can't escape. It's like a barnacle, growing regardless of their will, and growing larger and larger."
"Are you still looking for someone who doesn't exist?"
"He existed."
"who?"
"I asked, he existed, but he wasn't An Jin."
"who is he?"
"Preface by Yang Huai." This is what it said in the newspaper.
"...it takes two years to accept reality?"
"It's not two years. The two years are the time here. You have to add the three years outside, and the five years he was with you. Can you count?"
"Which Huai Xu?"
"The locust tree in the word 槐, the preface in the preface. It really is true that I have a connection with locust trees."
"Huaixu is an elegant name for summer."
"Really? I think we learned it in freshman year, but I forgot."
......
679.
Forgetting is the prescription I prescribe for myself.
680.
"You can be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. Go pick up your personal belongings that you previously deposited with us."
"Then?"
"Then sign here and you can leave tomorrow."
"I don't want to go out."
"Why?"
“There’s no safe freedom out there.”
"You should get out now. You're healed."
......
"Live a good life and take medicine on time."
"Every day?"
"Of course it's every day. If you get treatment earlier, it won't take that long."
"Can I leave here? Now?"
"Can."
......
681.
Back in Wulin City, the ferry runs every hour, and I buy a ticket back to Lishi Island. The aquarium I wanted to visit was demolished last year. I stare blankly at the ticket stubs I've kept since high school in my drawer. I have a monthly checkup, and this month I got my medicine for next month. Next month, I'll be thirty.
When I got my phone, I saw a string of messages from Xu Jiaheng. The latest one was from last year, and it looked like an invitation. Maybe in his eyes, I was the one who disappeared. Maybe he'd looked for me, too. I couldn't explain where I'd been, where I'd been, or what I'd been doing these past few years. All I could leave him with was the impression of someone who didn't reply to messages and didn't care about their loyalty.
682.
At the end of October, I decided not to look for An Jin anymore.
I found him, so I stopped looking for him. Doesn't that sound a bit illogical? That morning, on the shore, just as the sun was about to rise, I found him. He was the same as always, not much had changed. It was too far away to make out his expression. But there was no need to see his expression, because he was standing on the surface of the sea.
With my two feet touching the sea surface, I seemed to see destiny waving at me.
683.
I went to the beach a few more times, the tides ebbed and flowed, but he didn't show up again. After giving up, life on the island was too boring, so I took the boat to the old aquarium site every day. Xu Jiaheng had been here before, as had Qiu Yang and me, and An Jin.
The only misfortune is that An Jin truly belongs to me.
The exhibition hall has been demolished, the moon gate has been demolished, and the entrance and exit have also been demolished. A small area is left nearby, and you can make an appointment to experience diving.
684.
Slowly diving into the depths, it feels like landing on an uninhabited island.
685.
"Are you still as scared as last time?"
"Um."
"Okay, you learn slowly."
.....
"Are you still scared?"
"No."
"Are you sure you don't need a coach?"
"No need, I've passed the exam."
"Remember to check your equipment."
"Yeah." No need.
......
686.
Finally one day I was no longer afraid of water.
Behind the coral reef fish, I recalled a scene from many years ago, and the sound of prayer seemed to swim past me.
687.
Xu Jiaheng, how have you been these past few years? Have you ever hated me because of my choices? Xu Jiaheng, do you still like eating bowl cakes? I heard you got married.
Xu Jiaheng, am I your friend? Did you find a better friend later?
Xu Jiaheng, are you diving now?
Xu Jiaheng, when diving.
Don't think about me.
——End of text——
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