Chapter 62: It's hard to reverse what has been done

@Fit:

[

It's hard to describe the feeling of being led away from evil.

I have lived many times, and I have died many times.

I have traveled alone through thousands of journeys of death and life.

However, only when Milan guided me to escape from the chaos could I clearly feel that I was alive and no longer a walking corpse.

…

Am I afraid of death?

To me at first, death was not scary.

At that time, death was as important as a medal of honor.

Death in the starry sea is considered the end of life by every military insect.

What's so scary about death?

Death is but a moment, no different from losing consciousness due to anesthesia.

…

After that, after that…

…

[There is a long silence here. The interviewee fell into a pathological state, which induced ******, specifically ****** (deleted). With the help of the accompanying person, the interview situation was stabilized again.]

…

…

Excuse me.

Well, this is not something that needs to be hidden.

My mental condition was definitely not normal, worse than the most severely mentally ill female soldier you could imagine.

When I have an emotional outburst, I will fall into inevitable imagination. Maybe the terrible and uncontrollable emotional outburst is also one of the conditions for him to choose me.

Some military doctors are used to seeing death and screams of grief, and their hearts are as hard as stone. They operate the knife like an efficient medical machine.

Because this is the best way for them to protect their mental state.

However, some military doctors, like star military actresses, have a fighting talent that is no less than that of star military actresses. This talent enables them to precisely control their bodies.

They regard all emotions, good or bad, as good internal organs and dead blood vessels.

Cut off the bad ones.

The good ones stay.

This type of military doctor is actually more cruel than the first type, but before they decide to cut off the bad emotions, their sense of responsibility to save the dying and the wounded makes them like saint bugs.

Milan is like this.

I'm fine most of the time, but when I'm in a mood I'm awful.

When I have an emotional attack, I will uncontrollably think that I am a cut open heart. My stubborn vitality makes me struggle to survive. Every time I pump hard, my atrium will lose a large amount of blood. Death is only one step away.

But, I've been cut open, and I'm still breathing and beating. It's really interesting, isn't it?

Milan is a military doctor, so of course he would be curious about the wonders of violating Zerg biology, and a sense of responsibility and curiosity were the first wave of attention he paid to me.

When my mood swings are at their worst, I feel happy.

Look at me more. It's so miraculous that I'm not dead yet.

Look at me more. I'm badly injured. Come and study me.

Every time since we first met, I wanted to appear in front of Milan in my best appearance, but in the end, it was my terrible behavior that made him stop on his own initiative.

…

Selling badly?

No need.

My condition at that time could not be summed up in one word: miserable.

The correct definition should be: crazy, neurotic, ugly, and twisted.

These disgusting and morbid pathologies merged to form Joshua Warsaw. After a million times, only his skin remained shiny and bright. Milan discovered how rotten he was inside the third time he took the initiative to contact me.

…

Of course I didn't mean for him to see it!!

If I had my sanity at that time, I would rather die than let Milan see me like that! You better let go...!

…

[The interviewee lost control of his emotions and the interview was interrupted for 30 minutes.]

…

When I was found, I was in the middle of an emotional breakdown.

A very bad day

That day, Milan took the initiative to talk to me about the third alien attack that the Wasp Legion would suffer in the future.

I'm so happy.

…

Yes, that's right.

I was so happy that I lost control of my emotions.

I have experienced despair so many times that my negative emotions, if poured out, could form a monster tidal wave.

I arrived two hours early and walked around, making circles in the wet mud.

I compiled what I was going to say in my head, memorized it in order, and made up my mind not to say a word.

We are going to get better.

Milan and I can now communicate peacefully and amicably!

It was like a beautiful dream.

A breakdown suddenly struck me at this moment, haunting me like a ghost, whispering in my ear about my past failures.

I held on for a moment, but couldn't hold on any longer, so I hurriedly found an abandoned warehouse and hid inside.

The meeting place was carefully selected by Milan. It was a temporary storage point for waste building materials for the Legion's infrastructure. On weekdays, except for the weekly inventory of the warehouse management, no insects would come here at other times.

I didn't want to break the appointment, but I didn't want to be too far away either. I thought I would be able to quickly control my emotions, adjust myself, put on my brand new military uniform, and go see Milan again.

I can't change my personality.

Whenever Milan treats me a little better, I always feel that as long as I persevere a little longer, everything will turn out well.

My luckiness has caused me trouble.

I got sick in the warehouse.

I had hallucinations and auditory hallucinations. In my hallucinations, there were countless dead versions of myself, of different ages, wearing military uniforms that were either new, worn out, or burned. They looked at me with hatred and cursed: Impossible, impossible, impossible, why is it you, why is it you?

Why are you so lucky this time?

I scratched my ears, my neck was covered in blood, and I waved my hands around in a panic.

Even with my eyes closed, I could see countless "I"s, their faces distorted and illusory, surrounding me and approaching me, whispering repeatedly.

Before I dug my eyes out, I smelled a pungent gas that made me weak and my hands were attacked by severe pain.

Someone held my face and slapped me several times, then brought me back to my senses with a scolding and quick first aid.

I managed to come back to my senses.

Almost collapsed again.

Milan pinned me to the ground in a military-style grappling position.

He is lighter than me, so he has to press down on me completely to tighten and control my limbs.

Two scalpels pierced my palms and pinned them to the ground, and he was raising his hand high, ready to slap me again.

My new uniform was covered in mud and blood, and even though my tears had glued my eyelashes together, I could see that the medals of honor that I had carefully put on in front of the mirror before leaving were scattered all over the floor, with the tassels torn.

I never thought that the first time I had close contact with Milan in my life, apart from the initial dragging offense, I would be pinned to the mud by Milan and treated as a criminal.

The distorted whispers in the auditory hallucinations paused for a moment.

My eyes rolled up and I almost fainted.

Milan controlled my arse, he ordered me to hold on, ordered me to look at him.

I still had auditory hallucinations in my ears, all kinds of distorted sounds were cursing me, but Milan's voice was the clearest.

So I held on, stayed conscious, didn't pass out, and followed Milan's voice, slowly adjusting back to get out of control.

…

No male insect would like such a female insect.

I said a lot of nonsense at the time, but I don't remember it. Later I asked Milan several times, but he didn't respond to the question, so I stopped asking.

It should be very bad

I didn't mean to be exposed.

It was difficult to deceive Milan, and it was precisely because of his sharpness that I failed so many times.

I don't know why he chose me when I was in the worst mental state.

In the past, I would have tried my best to figure it out, like fighting a tough war and giving up everything to get the answer, but that's how I screwed up many times.

During my last journey in life, I was completely ill. I was made up of such disgusting pathologies that I could no longer recognize myself.

When Milan actually took the initiative to hug me and sent me love signals, I even felt that this was another illusion of imminent death.

Milan in reality is not like this, never.

I stepped back subconsciously. I didn't dare to believe it, and I was afraid to believe it.

I can no longer bear the despair.

What I despair about is not the fear of Milan, but my own despair.

Even if the trust mechanism has been completely worn out, I will still follow Milan as long as he sends me a little signal.

How can an exhausted survivor in the sea reject the flickering lighthouse on land?

…

Milan was not angry at my confusion and retreat.

He said, I'm just sick.

He happens to be a doctor.

The sick need a doctor.

Doctors attend to patients.

So, my bad mental state is not something that needs to be hidden.

I'm just sick, Milan will heal me.]

Is he showing off?

[Can we switch back to Mr. Milan's perspective? Joshua's perspective is too brief, and he completely skips how to approach and communicate! Why is it that when it comes to the critical moment, Joshua is the same as Fate Wynn? Brief, brief, all brief! I will have a brain hemorrhage if I listen to this bastard bragging in a brief way again! ]

[Why do I keep hearing noises in my ears? Oh, it turns out I am sharpening a knife.]

[Isn’t this a bad sale? Isn’t this? ? ]

[Mr. Milan used a military-style hold to suppress Joshua? ...Ah, ah.]

[Your fellow medic: Get lost.]

[The two types of military doctors described by Joshua do exist in reality. I also like dealing with the second type of military doctor. At least the second type of military doctor will ask me if I want anesthesia. The first type... haha, who knows how to endure a 4-hour scale wing removal surgery without anesthesia? It hurts so much that I lose control of my bowels and bladder on the operating table.]

[I really want to meet a military doctor like Mr. Milan. In the first chapter of the story, the camp was in such a mess, but he still dragged the anesthetized Theodore away. If it weren't for saving Theodore, Mr. Milan might not have been discovered if he hid himself.]

[There is a small detail that makes me angry. The name of the current commander of the Wasp Corps is Theodore Leon. I say, aren't you Wasp Corps too arrogant? ]

[Fuck! Everyone knows it! Fate likes to mix real-life materials! Could it be that General Theodore really had some weird story in the past? Otherwise, why would Fate accept the custom copy of the Wasp Legion? Why didn't he accept the other nine? Why did he accept the last one of the ten? ]

[Wait a minute, you guys can just make wild guesses, don't involve the military doctors of the Wasp Corps, we have gone through professional physical examinations, and we definitely took off our clothes and scanned them! ]

[It's so funny. If you emphasize it many times, it will make you look guilty. Hey, wasp, you guys don't really have anything, do you? ]

[Oh, don't you know? A Wasp Corps military doctor stationed on a medium-sized planet went out to relax in a bar on vacation. The next day, he woke up naked and was thrown into an alley. This is not an isolated case.]

[It's better to have something, so *shameful. ]

@Fite: [How to treat?

The scope is too broad. If you ask this, can I say a whole year? You want to stay here for a whole year? I don’t even think about it…!

…

Excuse me.

Let me tell you about a treatment example that still shines brightly in my memory.

The most profound and unforgettable moment was the first time I saw him, when I stepped into the black tower filled with anger.

…

…

At that time, I had not yet experienced everything that followed, and all my reactions were extremely clumsy and rude.

I came as a young man carrying death, and he, as a dead tree, gave me life in return.

Hyperventilation is not a terminal illness, but once it occurs, it can take away your life in a moment.

This was the first time I had experienced such a rich, massive, chaotic, and humiliating emotional baptism. They turned into mud and pressed my consciousness out of my body.

If we have to describe a physical objective state.

I'll give the example of 19 years old.

My third brother took me hunting and taught me how to extract the crude oil core from the skull of an alien beast.

My third brother and I crawled out of the smelly and slippery head tunnel. The stench made me vomit as I crawled. There was nothing there except suffocation and disgust.

My third brother has played many roles as an enlightener and guide in my insect life.

On the day he left, the voice of his great master briefly took its place.

I followed this calm voice back to reality, the overwhelming emotional pressure washed over me, and my consciousness crawled out of the long, dark tunnel and into the light of day again.

I took a deep breath, tears fell uncontrollably, my face flushed, and my hands tightened.

Then, I felt someone being pressed even harder in my arms.

My confused mind finally realized something.

I froze.

I pressed the male insect into my shoulder, holding his upper body tightly, and I smelled a refreshing fragrance.

My force was not strong enough, but he still couldn't breathe.

However, the male insect did not say a word. It just lay quietly against my neck, regulating its breathing with small sips.

His breathing was weak, his lips and face were trembling slightly, and his hot and moist breath blew on my neck, giving me goosebumps instantly.

I know this breathing pattern. I wrestled with insects in the army and would hold defeated generals in my arms like this. Their faces would turn red and their eyes would roll up. In just a few seconds, I could break their larynx with my bare hands.

The weakness of the Third Brother's hero was beyond my imagination.

Just a hug and he's going to die?

Suddenly, Third Brother’s words flashed back in my mind.

He said, I am still a worm, the world is either black or white, there is no room for any gray.

I always thought he was talking bullshit.

But until this moment, I suddenly realized, yes.

This ridiculous hatred was born in the gray shadow of delusion.

Now that I see the truth behind the shadow, how can I not be shocked.

This shadow has trapped a part of my heart for ten years.

When I see the truth...

…

You have included all of them now, will you delete any of them when publishing?

Just appropriate?

…

I didn't mean to threaten him. I get it. I will be more polite.

…

This false shadow has taken root in my heart for too long.

As I said, at that time, my road was smooth and I had a long way to go. There were few things that could bother me and make me remember them for a long time.

Hatred and anger collapsed, and ten years of care turned into other emotions in an instant.

At that time, I didn't understand what it was.

All I know is that this feeling makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Collapse, loss of control, curiosity and exploration.

Countless explorations hit me like a cannonball, making me dizzy and disoriented.

My feeling tells me to move, to get closer, to observe.

I loosened my grip and reached out to grab the male insect by the chin, face to face.

I strangled him for a long time, his face turned red, his body trembled due to suffocation, his lifeless black eyes were filled with tears of suffocation, and the tears slid down his abnormally pale face.

Red spreads lightly in the white, tears are like morning dew, he leans on me, and I seem to be holding a newborn rose.

All my inquiries and doubts evaporated in an instant.

He was neither angry nor afraid. He coughed twice, and his voice was so hoarse that I couldn't tell what was right and what was wrong.

He said: "I feel a little pain."

His expression was calm, but tears kept falling.

This sentence is the beginning of everything. It is both a curse and an anchor.

His dark eyes were dull and he couldn't see who I was at all.

But my heart, my emotions, and everything about me were like a pot of overturned water, all spilling out, and I couldn't control it or stop it.

…

At that time, I attributed the moments of loss of control to physical overwork. I was unable to think rationally and was not suited to handling delicate emotions. If I thought about it for one more second, my brain would explode.

But now I can honestly say that Milan left me at a loss.

I was overwhelmed with panic due to my uncontrollable emotions.

This is the first thing in my life that I cannot defeat, and I don't even have a weapon to fight back.

So, I did nothing at the time. I pushed Milan onto the bed and ran away faster than when I attacked her. I didn’t take the stairs but jumped off the tower directly.]

【？ 】

[No other comments, just talking about the facts, Joshua Warsaw, are you *impotent? ]

The author has something to say:

The phrase "spilt water cannot be undone" in this chapter is a quote from Eileen Chang's The First Incense.

I watched a documentary about mental illness to find material about Joshua's illness, and I succeeded in scaring myself to death QWQ