Letters and Notes
More than half a month after Jiang Chen went missing, Lin Wanxing's life felt as if it were encased in a transparent glass dome, isolated from the outside world, with only her own dull heartbeat and breathing remaining. She tried to fill all her time with heavy teaching work and trivial housework, but that silent figure and the cold touch of the cemetery would always unexpectedly seize her in the quiet moments.
Late that night, she awoke once again from a chaotic dream, a dream intertwined with Jiang Chen's resolute departure and Shen Yu's gentle yet indistinct smile. Her mouth was dry, her heart pounded, and she was wide awake. She got up and went to the study to find a difficult theoretical work, hoping to use the labyrinth of words to trap her chaotic thoughts.
Only a dim reading lamp was on in the study, casting deep shadows on the mountain of books. She walked to the bookshelf against the wall, her gaze sweeping over the rows of spines, but found herself unable to focus on any of the titles. Just as she was about to give up and randomly pick a book, her fingertips brushed against a stiff kraft paper document bag, its texture completely different from the surrounding books.
The file folder was unmarked, quietly tucked between two thick volumes of "An Introduction to Philology," as if deliberately hidden. She was puzzled, not recalling leaving such a thing behind. A strange premonition made her heart skip a beat, and she carefully pulled it out.
With slightly trembling fingers, she untied the wrapped cotton thread and opened the seal.
The first thing that caught my eye was a stack of densely written letters. The upright and familiar handwriting acted like a key, instantly unlocking the floodgates of emotion—it was Jiang Chen!
She unfolded the letter almost greedily, yet with immense fear.
"Teacher Lin, Wanxing:"
The way she addressed him at the beginning instantly brought tears to her eyes.
"By the time you read this letter, I should have already left this city. Please forgive my abrupt departure; it is the least cruel way I can think of for both of us."
Just those first few words made her breath catch in her throat. He really left! In such a drastic way!
She forced herself to endure the dizziness and heartache, reading each word with bated breath. Then, the contents of the letter made her gasp for air—
"Before coming to this city, my life was a boundless wasteland, filled with failure, hopelessness, and self-loathing. I wandered from city to city, struggling to survive in the cracks of the lower class. I felt no value in my existence, like a lonely soul abandoned by the world. In the end, I chose Qi Nan Mountain... I chose to end all this meaninglessness there."
Lin Wanxing abruptly covered her mouth, tears welling up instantly. He... he had thought of taking his own life?!
"At that very moment, in that cold place where I had decided to give up, I stumbled upon this notebook in some ruins. At first, it was just an unintentional burden in my backpack, and I even considered throwing it away. But as I sat on the edge of the cliff, I inexplicably opened it. And then, I read about a love story I had never imagined, a love so sincere, so passionate, so... full of life."
"I read Shen Yu's records, buried in the ruins, of every ordinary yet shining moment we spent together. I read the love and care he showed for you that almost overflowed between the lines. I read that in his last moments, he wasn't afraid of death, but used his last strength to write down his worries for your future and his deepest blessings... He hoped you would live on, live bravely and happily."
"At that moment, I sat on the edge of the cliff, clutching this notebook, crying like a lost child. I felt ashamed of myself. A person about to lose everything still tried so hard to leave behind proof of love, desperately trying to protect the future of their beloved; and I, a person with a complete life, was about to abandon it with my own hands? Compared to his heavy life, infused with love, my despair, as light as a feather, was simply a desecration. Shen Yu, with his last love and entrustment, was like a powerful hand, not only pulling me back from the edge of the cliff of death, but also ruthlessly dragging me out of the abyss of self-destruction."
"This notebook showed me another level of love—it's not about possession, but the selfless desire for the other person to live well. It was like a raging fire, rekindling the long-cold ashes in my heart, and I decided to live. And the first thing I wanted to do after I lived was to go and see if the girl he loved most was alright, on behalf of the notebook's owner, who was also my 'savior.' I want to protect you, not in his place, but... to repay the meaning of the second life he gave me."
Upon reading this, Lin Wanxing burst into tears. The truth was far more devastating than she had imagined! Jiang Chen wasn't just at his lowest point; he had teetered on the brink of death! It was Shen Yu's notebook, it was Shen Yu's love for her that transcended life and death, that pulled Jiang Chen back from the brink of death! This was not merely a spiritual resonance and redemption, but a tangible, real-life rescue!
She continued reading, trembling. He described how he saw the job posting she had put up, and how he came up with the reason of "a thousand a month" to keep him by her side. Then, the handwriting in the letter became heavier—
"I was like a despicable thief, imitating and learning according to what was mentioned in the notes. I thought that as long as I was similar to what he described, as long as I could continue his unfinished protection, perhaps... perhaps I could get closer to you, repay this debt of redemption, and even... hope to get a little bit of my own light."
"...But, Wanxing, I failed, utterly defeated...In the daily interactions, I became hopelessly succumbed...I...fell in love with you."
The letter paper has obvious creases here, as if the writer had gripped it tightly.
"This love once made me feel incredibly despicable and painful... How could I... how could I have such a vile thought about the person I loved most in my life, who gave me salvation?... But when I mustered the courage to face my feelings for you, I was even more afraid that in your heart I would ultimately just be... a clumsy, pathetic substitute."
"Facts have proven me wrong. No matter how well I imitated him, I was never him... How could someone like me, who was once tempted by death and couldn't even see the future clearly, have the right to stand beside someone as outstanding as you? My approach was not only a desecration of him, but also a burden and the source of your pain. When I heard your words at your grave, I finally understood that I was just a pathetic shadow, a shadow that made you sink even deeper into the mire of the past."
"...Leaving is the only thing I can do for you, and it's also the last bit of dignity I can preserve for myself."
The letter ends abruptly here. There is no excessive embellishment, only a calm statement and farewell after reaching the pinnacle of despair.
The signature consisted of only one character: "辰".
Lin Wanxing slumped into her chair, the letter slipping from her trembling fingers and scattering across the table. She felt all her strength drain away, collapsing into the chair, her body ice-cold. The truth was so cruel! Jiang Chen's approach stemmed from Shen Yu's redemption; his kindness towards her was based on imitating Shen Yu; his pain and despair stemmed from the realization that after falling in love with her, he could never become the "real deal"! And she, on his path of struggling to find light and redemption, delivered the most fatal blow!
Overwhelmed by shock, heartache, and regret, she was nearly unable to breathe.
Sinking! Notebook!
She glanced sharply at the file folder, and sure enough, there lay a dark blue notebook with worn edges! It was the travel journal she thought had long since disappeared with Shen Yu under the rubble, a record of their every moment together!
A tremendous shock, like a tsunami, completely overwhelmed her. She bent down, trembling, and picked up the deep blue notebook, as if holding a priceless treasure that had been lost and found again, pressing it tightly, tightly against her tear-streaked cheeks.
The notebook's rough cover carries the coolness of time and the warmth left by Shen Yu, as well as the marks of Jiang Chen's countless caresses. On the cover, there are also cartoon images of the two of them that Shen Yu mischievously drew back then.
Tears welled up instantly, blurring her vision. She gently opened the book, and the familiar, slightly messy yet vibrant handwriting of Chen Yu leaped off the page.
It contained records of their travels, his complaints, his love, his little grumbles, and... his hopes for the future. Turning to the back, the handwriting became somewhat messy and weak; it was something he had written while trapped under the rubble—
"Evening Star, I'm sorry, I can't accompany you to see the rest of the scenery."
"Don't cry, and don't blame yourself. Every day I spent with you is the brightest star in my life. This trip is my most precious memory, please don't let it become a shackle for you."
"I'm so worried about you... You crybaby, who will wipe your tears in the future? Promise me you'll find someone more considerate than me and love you more than me, to love you properly in my place."
"If you meet someone like this, don't hesitate, it must be someone I asked to protect you for me."
Tears welled up again, dripping onto the yellowed pages and blurring the ink. Shen Yu… to the very end, all he thought of was her. He had already seen through everything; he had already foreseen her pain and offered her his most forgiving, profound love and blessings. He didn't want her to wallow in sorrow; he wanted her to be happy; he wanted someone to take his place in loving her.
Jiang Chen, by a twist of fate, became that person.
And what about her? She stubbornly stayed where she was, building a high wall with her memories, which not only trapped herself but also cruelly hurt Jiang Chen, who was unknowingly guided by Shen Yu, who also carried trauma and tried to warm each other in the darkness!
She continued turning the pages, tears dripping onto the yellowed paper. Then, her gaze froze.
On the last page of the notebook, besides her and Shen Yu's marks, a few new lines of writing appeared. It was Jiang Chen's handwriting, written with extreme force, as if etched into the page:
"I tried to become him, but I lost myself."
"I longed to protect you, but I fell in love with you."
"It's all an illusion after all; outsiders...it's time to wake up."
Forgive my weakness and incompetence, and I wish you happiness.
These few lines of text struck her like a thunderbolt, leaving her utterly terrified.
He is not a substitute! Never has he been!
He is a living, breathing person with his own soul and emotions! He came because of Shen Yu's great love, but in the process of protecting him, he gave his most sincere and painful love!
He imitated Shen Yu because he didn't know how to approach her at first, and because he wanted to complete his "mission" better! But in those little moments of daily life, behind the warmth and reassurance she felt, lay his own unique, clumsy, yet incredibly sincere feelings!
She remembered his focused profile as he fixed things, his unique insights when discussing issues, his childlike surprise when he received a gift, and his unfinished words in the car on a rainy night: "Because I've discovered that only when I'm with you can I feel myself... truly alive."
That wasn't imitation! That was Jiang Chen's most genuine feeling!
She collapsed at her desk, sobbing uncontrollably in the quiet of the night. She wept for Shen Yu's profound and selfless love, for Jiang Chen's desperate and painful struggle, and for her own belatedly realized foolishness and cruelty.
All misunderstandings were cleared up at this moment, and immense regret, heartache, and an unprecedented and crystal-clear love surged and intertwined like a raging tide, almost tearing her apart.
Just then, her gaze inadvertently swept across the corner of the desk and fell upon the new laptop she had given Jiang Chen, which he hadn't taken with him when he left. It lay there quietly, like another silent secret waiting to be discovered.
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