Chapter 36, Section 36: Ren Xiyao stares at the mirror in the rehabilitation room…
Ren Xiyao stared at the mirror in the rehabilitation room. Her right leg was fixed to a cold machine, and the physiotherapist was helping her with passive knee flexion exercises.
“Hold on for five more seconds,” the therapist’s voice was as calm as if he were discussing the weather. “Take it slow.”
My phone vibrated, and the screen lit up. Kwon Ji-yong had messaged me: "How was practice today?"
She stared at the message for a few seconds, and finally replied with only one word: "Tired." She was transferred back to Harbin for treatment the day after her injury, and it has been like that ever since. One of the few things to be happy about is that she is slowly getting better.
"Take your time, don't rush," the head coach at the winter training center shouted from the sidelines.
Just as she was about to push off the ice, her knees suddenly buckled, and she staggered, almost falling to her knees.
"Are you alright?" The assistant coach slid over to help her up. The team doctor on the sidelines was frowning.
Ren Xiyao shook her head and pushed her hand away: "Again."
The third time, she couldn't even complete the starting motion; her body froze in place as if she were frozen.
The coaches and team doctors on the sidelines frowned more and more deeply. This was not a good sign.
"That's enough for today," the team doctor said, glancing at his watch. "You're too stressed; muscle memory needs time to recover."
Ren Xiyao sat on the physiotherapy bed, letting the team doctor attach electrode pads to her legs.
“The muscle response is fine,” the team doctor frowned, staring at the waveform on the computer screen. “The strength is also sufficient. If there are problems as soon as you get on the ice, then it can only be…”
“Psychological factors.” Psychological counselor Dr. Wang pushed open the door, holding an assessment form in his hand: “Xiyao, we need to talk.” China has only begun to pay more and more attention to the psychological problems of athletes in recent years. In the past, if such problems occurred, they would mostly be attributed to training issues, and the team would choose to increase training. But now the team is paying more and more attention to the athletes’ psychology and there are special psychological state assessments.
Ren Xiyao pulled off the electrode pads and rolled down her trouser leg: "There's no need."
"Rest for two weeks," Dr. Wang said gently. "We'll do systematic desensitization training."
Ren Xiyao put the report aside: "There's no time. I don't want to miss the whole season because of this injury. It's not like it's a season-ending injury yet, is it?"
"Given your current condition, stepping onto the starting line would be like injuring yourself again."
"Then I'll get hurt." She grabbed her coat and walked out. "Anyway, I know the area well. I'm not willing to accept things like this."
"The key point isn't whether you're willing or not, but that your body no longer trusts you!"
Ren Xiyao didn't want to hear any of these voices.
Late at night, he stared at his phone screen. The message from Kwon Ji-yong, sent three hours earlier, was still lit up: "How's the rehabilitation training going?" She was alone in the winter training center dormitory now. She and Lin Shan used to be roommates, but Lin Shan should be in Dresden soon for the fifth competition. She really didn't want to miss the entire season, but she hadn't told anyone. Actually, she hadn't been sleeping well at all these days. Closing her eyes, she was plagued by recurring nightmares, from last year's fracture to this year's injuries, even dreaming about past injuries. Each time, the pain was excruciating, only subsiding upon waking.
She typed and deleted, finally replying with only one message: "Successfully."
Snow was falling outside the window; winters in Harbin always seemed so long. She remembered last year at the Seoul hospital, when Kwon Ji-yong, his eyes red, said, "Wait for me for two weeks." He did come, accompanying her through the first phase of her rehabilitation, before being urgently recalled by his company. After that, he came every two weeks, bringing various supplements supposedly good for ligaments, and even learned to give her muscle-relaxing massages. She knew that to do all this so quietly, there must have been a lot of planning behind the scenes. She also knew he was very busy and tired.
But Ren Xiyao now has to admit that she's afraid of receiving care and concern from others. Her parents visit her frequently, even suggesting she come home to take care of her. Lin Shan, Li Enjing, Rita, and everyone else care about her, their greetings never ceasing. Even the team captain has visited. The team coaches also have high expectations and show concern for her, but right now, all of this is suffocating her. She knows Dr. Wang is right. She also knows she's putting on a brave face. But she's reached a dead end.
Reason told her that taking a break from training and receiving psychological treatment was the best approach, but her emotions prevented her from accepting that she had wasted an entire season. She had finally regained her form and was back on the ice. The daily wait was agonizing. She kept telling herself to stay calm and rational, but sometimes people just can't control their emotions.
Ren Xiyao suddenly grabbed her keys and went out the door.
The old man in the security room saw her and, unsurprised, opened the side door: "Practicing again?" Ren Xiyao nodded to him and went into the ice rink.
The empty ice rink was lit only by emergency lights. Ren Xiyao didn't turn on the main lights and changed into her skates in the dark. In the dim light, the ice surface mixed with the emergency lights shone with a ghostly blackish-blue hue, like a frozen Dead Sea.
She slowly glided to the starting line.
“…Damn.” She released her strength and lay down on the ice, feeling the coolness seep into her body. She felt this way before when she wasn't skating well. She felt this way when she won championships. Lying on the ice was the closest she could be to it; she wanted the ice to hear her heartbeat, to feel her sincere passion, and to be blessed by it.
The training base was bathed in the morning light the next day. Some programs had already begun their morning training.
“I request a temporary suspension of training,” Ren Xiyao said, placing her training log on the table. “I need time to adjust my current state. While there’s still time.”
The old coach looked at her over his reading glasses: "Reason?"
"I can't get on the ice right now. And my technique and tactics are a complete mess."
"You can get it back through practice."
“It’s not a technical problem.” Ren Xiyao took a long breath and said, “It’s a problem here.” She pointed to the sun’s sac.
The office was so quiet you could hear the hum of the radiators. The old coach took off his glasses and wiped them: "Do you know how much hope the team has for you?"
“So I shouldn’t gamble.” Ren Xiyao’s voice was steady: “Forced participation would only waste a spot and could ruin my career. Besides, this season can only be considered an adjustment period after the Socheng cycle. So I still have time.”
After reviewing the document, the coach sighed deeply: "What adjustments do you plan to make?"
“I’ll take Dr. Wang’s advice. I’ll take some time to relax first.” Ren Xiyao paused, then continued, “Then I’ll resume my basic training. Let’s start over.”
The assistant coach helped her with her suitcase: "You really didn't tell anyone? Aren't you going home for the New Year?"
Ren Xiyao shook her head. She didn't want to see anyone's worried eyes, and she didn't want to hear any comforting words like "take it slow." Outsiders can never truly understand the plight of top athletes.
"Alright, take care of yourself when you get there, and keep me updated on your schedule. Going at this time of year is really..." The assistant coach seemed a little helpless. Ren Xiyao smiled slightly but didn't say anything.
“Oh, right,” the assistant coach suddenly pulled out an envelope: “Dr. Wang asked me to give this to you.”
Inside was a note with the address of a private rehabilitation center in Beijing and a sentence: "They have treated many top athletes. If you'd like to give it a try."
Ren Xiyao stuffed the note into her pocket and turned to go through security.
As the plane took off, she watched the city shrink through the window. A reflection in the distance looked like a tiny scar. Once upon a time, she naively believed that those at the top would never understand the feeling of falling. Even if she fell, reason would tell her what to do. Reason would surely govern emotion.
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