Chapter 55 Who am I? I've forgotten him completely.
Shuzhi pressed her fingertips against the cold door, her knuckles turning white from the pressure. She could clearly hear Dai and Zhuo's soft breathing in the living room, each breath like a heavy hammer blow to her chaotic heart. The previously ignored fragments now pieced together a complete picture. His increasingly protruding belly, his cautious demeanor, the suppressed pain in the dead of night, and the barely concealed panic in his eyes when he mentioned his "ex-wife"—it was all because of this deliberately hidden secret.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Shuzhi's voice came from under the door, trembling uncontrollably. "Did you think that even if I knew, I wouldn't be qualified to participate?"
The noise in the living room suddenly stopped. After a long while, Dai Yuzhuo slowly walked to the bedroom door. He didn't push the door open, but said softly through the door, "I didn't mean to hide it from you... After you lost your memory, you only remembered how we were together. I was afraid that if I told you the truth, you would leave again." His voice was very soft, but it carried an unspeakable grievance, "When we divorced, you said that there was nothing between us anymore, I... I didn't dare to gamble."
Shuzhi leaned against the door, tears finally streaming down her face. Vague fragments of memories flooded back: in the rain, she tearfully shoved the divorce papers into Dai Yuzhuo's hand, his eyes red-rimmed, yet he never let go of her hand; and him standing in the empty living room, clutching a celadon teapot, his lonely figure heartbreaking. Those fragments, like sharp shards, pierced her calm facade, making her realize that her memories of this relationship were perhaps far more profound than she had imagined.
"What about the pregnancy?" Shuzhi sniffed, trying to make her voice sound calm. "Are you planning to keep it from me forever? Until the baby is born?"
Dai Yuzhu remained silent for a long time before slowly speaking: "I originally wanted to wait until you were feeling better, or until you remembered more things, before telling you. I know this is absurd, and you may not be able to accept it, but I..." His voice paused, tinged with a sob, "I can't bear to part with this child, and I can't bear to part with you even more."
Shuzhi pushed open the door and looked at Dai Yuzhuo standing there. His face was still pale, his eyes filled with exhaustion and unease, and his hands were unconsciously protecting his lower abdomen, his posture both devout and vulnerable. She suddenly remembered how he had dry heaved in the bathroom last night, and how carefully he had cooked porridge this morning. The anger in her heart was gradually replaced by heartache.
“Sit down,” Shuzhi turned and walked to the sofa, picking up the yellowed photo album. “Let’s have a good talk.”
Dai Yuzhuo sat down beside her, her body slightly tense. Shuzhi flipped through the photo album, pointed to the photo of the two of them on the balcony, and asked softly, "Do you still remember this tea canister? You said back then that you wanted to move to a house with a yard and plant plum blossoms all over it."
Dai Yuzhuo's gaze fell on the photograph, a gentle smile appearing in his eyes: "I remember, you said you loved the plum blossom's proud spirit, and wanted to brew plum blossom tea in winter, watching the snow fall on the branches." He paused, his voice lowering, "Later we argued, and you smashed this teapot on the ground. The shards cut your hand, and I..."
“I remember now,” Shuzhi interrupted him, her voice trembling slightly. “That day we had a huge fight. I said I wanted a divorce, and you disagreed, so I smashed a tea canister. You squatted down to pick up the shards, cutting your fingers in the process, but you still held my hand and said you didn’t want to lose me.” She looked up into Dai Yuzhuo’s eyes. “Then why did we still get divorced?”
Dai Yuzhuo's body stiffened, her eyes dimming. Shuzhi remained silent, her fingers gently tracing the photos in the album. It turned out that the forgotten past was filled with arguments and misunderstandings, yet even so, the love in their eyes was still clearly visible. She looked at Dai Yuzhuo's lower abdomen, slowly reaching out her hand, her head throbbing again.
Shuzhi's hand stopped on Daiyu Zhuo's lower abdomen. The warm touch from her fingertips made her feel dazed for a moment, but the next second, her mind was shrouded in a thick fog, and the clear fragments from before became blurry again. She abruptly withdrew her hand, her eyes filled with confusion, as if she were looking at a complete stranger.
"Who are you?" Shuzhi's voice was tinged with confusion. She subconsciously took a step back, distancing herself from Dai and Zhuo. "Where is this? Why am I here?"
Dai Yuzhuo's smile froze instantly. His heart felt like it was being gripped tightly by an invisible hand, the pain almost suffocating him. He looked at the unfamiliarity in Shuzhi's eyes, his voice trembling with disbelief: "Shuzhi, what's wrong? I'm Dai Yuzhuo. We were just looking at the photo album, have you forgotten?"
Shuzhi frowned, trying hard to recall the name "Dai Yuzhuo," but her memory was blank, with only scattered, unrelated fragments flickering in her mind—falling cherry blossoms, warm millet porridge, and a blurry figure protecting her lower abdomen. She shook her head, her confusion deepening: "Dai Yuzhuo? I don't know you. Is this photo album yours? Who are the people in it?"
As Dai Yuzhuo watched her point to the group photos in the album, a growing sense of panic gripped him. He strode to Shuzhi's side, trying to grab her hand, but she warily pulled away. "Shuzhi, don't be afraid, I won't hurt you," Dai Yuzhuo pleaded. "We used to be very close. Think about it, you love plum blossoms, you love making plum blossom tea, have you forgotten?"
“Plum blossom? Plum blossom tea?” Shuzhi repeated the two words softly, as if something in her mind was trying to break through the fog, but just as she was about to grasp it, it was swallowed up by an even deeper fog. She held her head, a pained expression on her face: “I don’t know, I can’t remember… My head hurts so much.”
Seeing her pained expression, Dai Yuzhuo felt a pang of sympathy and anxiety, but dared not press her to recall. He could only soften his voice and say cautiously, "Okay, if you can't remember, then don't think about it. We're not in a hurry. Your head isn't feeling well; shall I help you to bed to rest?"
Shuzhi hesitated for a moment, looking at the worry in Dai Yuzhuo's eyes. Although she still felt a sense of unfamiliarity, she was no longer as wary as before. She nodded and let Dai Yuzhuo help her to the bedside to sit down.
Dai and Zhuo tucked her in, then sat on the edge of the bed, quietly watching her. Shuzhi's eyes still held a blank look; she glanced around every now and then, as if trying to familiarize herself with this unfamiliar environment. After a while, as if remembering something, she suddenly asked, "Who am I?"
Dai Yuzhuo's heart sank again. He suppressed the bitterness in his heart and whispered, "You are mine..."
Before he could speak, Shuzhi slowly shook her head, a ripple appearing in her eyes, but quickly returning to calm. She looked at Dai Yuzhuo, hesitated for a long time, and finally asked, "Why are you here?"
Dai Yuzhuo opened his mouth, wanting to say that they had once been husband and wife, wanting to say that he was pregnant with their child, but seeing the unfamiliarity in Shuzhi's eyes, he swallowed those words back. He was afraid that if he told the truth, it would make Shuzhi even more panicked, and even more afraid that she would push him away again. "We are friends," Dai Yuzhuo finally chose to keep it a secret, "You had a little accident and temporarily forgot some things, so I'm here to take care of you."
Shuzhi nodded, not pressing for further questions, but the doubt in her eyes remained undiminished. She leaned against the headboard, gazing at the sunlight streaming through the window, lost in thought. Dai Yuzhuo sat on the edge of the bed, his heart filled with helplessness and anxiety. He didn't know how much more of Shuzhi's memory she would lose, nor how long this ordeal would continue.
In the evening, Shuzhi suddenly remembered something. She pointed to the celadon tea canister in the living room, her eyes filled with excitement: "That tea canister, I think I've seen it before!" Upon hearing this, Dai Yuzhuo felt a glimmer of hope and quickly said, "Yes, you used to really like this tea canister, and you even said you wanted to use it to store plum blossom tea."
Ke Shuzhi's excitement lasted only a moment before she fell into confusion again: "Plum blossom tea? Why would I use it to hold plum blossom tea? I don't remember." Her eyes dimmed again, "I seem to remember nothing. The things I just thought of, I've already forgotten."
Dai Yuzhu walked over and gently patted her shoulder, her voice soft but tinged with weariness: "It's okay, take your time, you'll remember eventually. What would you like for dinner? I'll make it for you."
Shuzhi shook her head, having no appetite: "I'm not hungry, I want to sleep a little longer." As she spoke, she lay down and closed her eyes, but from her tense brows, it was clear that she wasn't really asleep.
Dai Yuzhuo sat in the living room, looking at the open photo album. The photos showed the two of them smiling brightly, but reality was so cruel. He gently stroked his lower abdomen, feeling the faint movement inside, his heart filled with confusion. He didn't know how to awaken Shuzhi's memory, nor did he know what would be left between them before Shuzhi completely forgot everything.
He couldn't tell for a moment whether Shuzhi was teasing him or genuinely didn't remember.
In recent days, she has remembered her other friends, but she has been forgetting him more and more. At the same time, she also doesn't remember Chi Youran, and it seems that she has forgotten not only him but also Dai Yuzhuo.
After a while, Shuzhi closed her eyes again and asked softly, "Are we really friends?" There was a hint of uncertainty in her voice, as if she doubted Dai Yuzhuo's words.
Dai Yuzhuo's heart skipped a beat. He looked into Shuzhi's eyes, unsure how to answer. If he admitted they weren't friends, he feared Shuzhi would panic even more; if he continued to hide the truth, he worried the lie would snowball and eventually engulf them completely.
“I…” Shuzhi opened her mouth, wanting to say that she seemed to remember something, but the words wouldn’t come out. Those fragments of memory were like sand in her hand; the harder she tried, the faster they slipped away. She shook her head, a pained expression on her face: “I still can’t remember, I just feel very sad.”
Dai Yuzhuo quickly released her hand, gently patted her back, and said with heartache, "Don't worry, we won't force ourselves to think about it." He looked at Shuzhi's pale face and felt helpless.
I don't know if I was saying this to her or to myself: "If you're tired, take a rest a little longer."
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