Chapter 56 This is also my memory, but now...
The night was cool and still. She squatted down in front of the box and opened a box containing keychains.
The metal on the keychain was slightly oxidized, but the characters "灼" (zhuó) and "之" (zhī) engraved on it were still clearly visible. Seeing these two characters, a scene suddenly flashed through Shuzhi's mind: Dai and Zhuo holding the keychain, smiling and saying to her, "From now on, we're family. You wear one, and I'll wear the other." Her eyes reddened slightly, and she gently stroked the characters on the keychain, whispering, "I think... I remember this keychain was a gift from you."
Dai Yuzhuo had just finished cleaning the kitchen when he walked into the living room and saw this scene, which warmed his heart. He walked over and knelt down beside her: "Yes, it was specially ordered for our wedding anniversary the year we got married. It was engraved with our names."
Ke Shuzhi's mood quickly sombered again. She put down the keychain, her eyes filled with confusion: "But I still can't remember the process of us ordering it together. I only remember what the keychain looks like." She picked up the plum blossom hairpin, the pearls on it had lost their luster. "I also remember this hairpin. It seems like you gave it to me on my birthday, but I don't remember how I felt when I received it."
Seeing her dejected look, Dai Yuzhuo felt a pang of sadness and could only gently comfort her, "It's alright, as long as you can remember these things, you'll gradually recall them."
Shuzhi didn't speak, just kept rummaging through the things in the box. When she saw the photo album again, her eyes suddenly changed. The photos inside were both familiar and strange to her. Familiar were the people and scenes in the photos, but strange were the stories behind them. She picked up the album, slammed it shut, and said with a hint of barely perceptible irritation in her voice, "These photos, and these things, always make me feel like my mind is in turmoil, like there are many things weighing on me, but I can't remember them."
Dai Yuzhuo was stunned; he hadn't expected Shuzhi to react this way. "Shuzhi, these are all precious memories," he tried to calm her down. "Once you remember more, you won't feel so confused."
"But I don't want to think about it anymore!" Shuzhi suddenly raised her voice and threw the photo album back into the box. "What's the point of remembering? I'll forget it again in a while. This feeling is too painful!" She looked at Dai Yuzhuo, her eyes filled with pain and confusion. "Dai Yuzhuo, do you think it would be better if we just forgot about all these things? Let's get rid of these photos and these things, and pretend that we never went through those things. Let's start over, and maybe I won't be in so much pain."
Dai Yuzhuo felt as if his heart had been struck by a heavy hammer, the pain almost suffocating him. Looking into Shuzhi's earnest and pained eyes, he knew she wasn't joking, but genuinely devastated by the chaos of her memories. "Shuzhi, calm down," his voice trembled slightly, "These memories are things we experienced together, they're real. How can you just forget them, just throw them away?"
The moonlight bathed the sofa in a white glow, making the mess on the floor seem even more eerie.
"But I really can't take it anymore!" Shuzhi finally couldn't hold back her tears. "Every day I think about who I am, what our relationship is. Those blurry fragments of memory follow me like ghosts, making me unable to eat or sleep. I would rather have never had those memories than continue like this." As she spoke, she reached for the photo album in the box. "These photos are useless to keep, so I might as well burn them. That way we can all forget."
Dai Yuzhuo quickly grabbed her hand, stopping her. Looking at Shuzhi's tear-streaked face, he felt both pain and anxiety: "Shuzhi, don't be like this. These photos are very important to me, and they are very important to you. Even if you can't remember now, one day you will remember them all, and then you will be glad that these photos are still here."
Shuzhi tried to break free from his grasp, but Dai Yuzhuo held on tightly. "What good are they?" she cried. "Right now, they only cause me pain! Dai Yuzhuo, can't you just grant me this wish? Let me get rid of these chaotic memories completely, okay?"
Looking into her despairing eyes, Dai Yuzhuo felt utterly helpless. He knew Shuzhi's pain was real, but he couldn't bear to let go of those precious memories, nor could he bear to let the last remaining connection between them disappear. "Shuzhi, give me some time, and give yourself some time," he softened his tone, his voice pleading, "Don't make a decision so quickly, okay? Let's try again; maybe you'll remember more in a few days."
Shuzhi's struggles gradually subsided. Looking at the reluctance and pleading in Daiyu Zhuo's eyes, a hint of hesitation arose in her heart. She knew she was being selfish, but the pain from the memories was suffocating her. She withdrew her hand, wiped away her tears, and said in a low voice, "I understand. I won't mention burning the photos again." With that, she stood up, walked straight to the bedroom, and closed the door.
Dai Yuzhuo squatted on the spot, looking at the scattered items and the photo album in the box, his heart filled with bitterness. He didn't know how long these days would last, nor did he know if he could persuade Shuxia to stop having such thoughts again. He gently picked up the photo album, turned to the first page, and looked at the two of them smiling brightly in the photos, his eyes gradually reddening.
His concession was like a fuse, instantly igniting Shuzhi's long-suppressed emotions. She suddenly raised her head, her eyes filled with complex emotions: "Live in the present? But you remember everything. When you see me, you think of our past, our marriage, our arguments, our divorce... You remember all of these, but I can't remember anything. How can we live in the present with such an unequal relationship?"
Dai Yuzhuo was stunned; he hadn't expected Shuzhi to care about these things. "I..." He opened his mouth, wanting to say that he could pretend to forget, but the words stuck in his throat.
He couldn't do it. Those memories contained both sweetness and regret; they were all precious memories between him and Shuzhi.
“Dai and Zhuo,” Shuzhi’s voice suddenly became very low, with a hint of pleading that was barely perceptible, “Could you… try to forget as well? Forget our past, forget these photos and objects, let’s pretend we never met, and start getting to know each other again from now on, okay?”
Dai Yuzhuo's body stiffened instantly, as if he had been doused with a bucket of cold water, chilling him to the bone. Looking into Shuzhi's earnest eyes, he felt as if an invisible hand was gripping his heart, the pain almost suffocating him. "What did you say?" His voice trembled with disbelief. "You want me to forget? Forget everything we went through together?"
"Yes!" Shuzhi seemed to have made up her mind, and her voice rose a little. "Only when you forget too can we truly start over. I won't have to suffer because I can't remember the past, and you won't have to be sad because I've forgotten. Isn't that better for both of us?"
Looking into the expectation in her eyes, Dai Yuzhuo felt a pang of bitterness and despair. He recalled their wedding day, when Shuzhi smiled and said, "We'll write down every little thing, so we can reminisce together when we're old"; he remembered her birthday, clutching the plum blossom hairpin he'd given her, saying, "This is my most precious gift; I'll remember it for the rest of my life"; he remembered their divorce, when she cried, "I'll never forget you, but I don't want to think about you anymore." These images flashed through his mind, starkly contrasting with Shuzhi's plea to "make him forget."
“You’re good to me, but not to me.” Dai Yuzhuo’s voice was low and hoarse, tears welling up in his eyes. “Shuzhi, those memories are the strength that has kept me going until now. I remember you liked plum blossoms, I remember you loved to sleep in, I remember the taste of the plum blossom tea you brewed, I remember the way we took pictures together under the cherry blossom tree… These are the meaning of my life, how can you expect me to forget?”
Seeing his pained expression, Shuzhi felt bad too, but she hardened her heart and said, "But those memories will only cause us pain now! Every time you see me, you expect me to remember the past, but I can't do that. I will only disappoint you. Rather than torturing each other like this, let's let you forget too, and start over. Maybe things will turn out differently."
“Start over?” Dai Yuzhu gave a bitter laugh, gently stroking her lower abdomen. “What about this child? He is proof of our past. Even if I forget, he will remember. Shuzhi, have you ever thought that forgetting is not the solution, nor is running away?”
"I know, but I really have no other choice." Shuzhi's tears fell again, her voice trembling with sobs. "I live in chaos and pain every day, and I can't take it anymore. Dai Yuzhuo, I'm begging you, please have pity on me and try to forget, okay?"
Seeing her tear-streaked face, Dai Yuzhuo felt a pang of pain and anxiety, yet also utter helplessness. He knew that Shuzhi's pain was real, but he truly couldn't forget. Those memories had long since seeped into his very bones, becoming a part of his life.
“I can’t do it.” He shook his head, his voice firm but tinged with weariness. “Shuzhi, I can wait with you, until you remember the past, or until you accept yourself as you are now. But I cannot forget, and I will not forget.”
Hearing his reply, Shuzhi's last glimmer of hope vanished. She looked at Dai Yuzhuo, her eyes filled with disappointment and despair: "Why can't you just grant me this once? Why do you have to cling to the past?"
Dai Yuzhuo grabbed her wrist with a sharp edge, looking directly at her: "What are you doing? These are my memories."
Shuzhi didn't back down at all: "This is mine too." She added slowly, "But now, I don't want it anymore."
·
It was already midnight when Dai and Zhuo started. He didn't want to wake her, but she was awake on her own.
She didn't deprive him of his means of communication with the outside world, such as his cell phone and computer, but she also didn't help him. It was as if she was just watching a play, a play that became bland and tasteless after reaching its climax.
Dai Yuzhuo felt the pain in his abdomen growing more and more intense. He had been lying on his side, gripping the edge of the bed, struggling against the constant throbbing in his abdomen. Now, he couldn't help but twist and turn, and once again tentatively asked, "Could you please call a doctor for me?"
Shuzhi just looked at him indifferently, propping her cheek up with her hand in a lazy manner, looking docile but bored.
This is the moment she's been waiting for. Doesn't he like his ex-wife?
Then let his ex-wife come and keep him company.
Shuzhi searched through all his contacts and even read his diary. She knew it was wrong and shouldn't have been done, but how could she suppress her impulse when she saw that diary in front of her?
Afterwards, she confessed to Dai Yuzhuo. Dai Yuzhuo was indeed angry and gave her the cold shoulder for two days. However, Dai Yuzhuo felt that it was not worth her risking her life for this matter.
She doesn't like herself, and by extension, she doesn't like their child, so she won't let this child be born.
Shuzhi stood before the medicine bottle, her hands trembling slightly. The wind outside lifted a corner of the curtain, the night as dark as inky black. The child, after all, couldn't be kept, just like their relationship, slowly worn down by suspicion and silence. He knew she wouldn't forgive him, but the letter hidden deep in the drawer was filled with unspoken regret.
Seeing his pain, Shuzhi unconsciously gripped the window frame tightly with her right hand. Daiyu, in even greater agony, softly called out her name.
Shuzhi gripped the window frame even tighter with her right hand, not even noticing the barbs piercing her fingers. It was a name she had never heard before, a name that had arisen during the passionate time of their relationship.
At this moment, it only belongs to that 'ex-wife'.
The moonlight shifted silently across the corner of the table, illuminating the line on the letter: "I'd rather she hate me than see her hurt." His fingers gently traced the words, as if touching her once warm tears. The medicine bottle had long since been smashed, but the sound of his heart breaking was more piercing than glass. He knew some mistakes were irreparable, like ashes in the wind, never to be rekindled. He stared at the shards of the empty medicine bottle, as if gazing at the smiles they had once pieced together. Regret surged like a tide, but it could no longer drown out the unspoken "I'm sorry."
He tried to piece together the fragments, just as he tried to piece together their broken relationship, but each shard of glass was as sharp as a knife, cutting his fingertips and shattering his last hope.
The scent of medicine had long since dissipated into the air, leaving only a room filled with bitterness and a heart adrift in regret. The night deepened, and the wind whipped fallen leaves against the windowpanes, like someone silently accusing him. He huddled in a corner, letting the darkness engulf him, yet he couldn't swallow the "what ifs" that had risen in his chest.
Actually, he wasn't entirely without backup plans, but he was willing to endure the excruciating pain and hand over the decision-making power to her. Only if she took this step and was willing to help her at this crucial moment would she truly accept Dai Yuzhuo.
However, she just watched coldly as he struggled desperately on his own.
The more he acted this way, the more Shuzhi felt the weight of that 'ex-wife'.
It was the strength given to him by his old friend that enabled him to endure this hardship, even willing for her to see his wretched state, and he even murmured the name of his 'ex-wife,' giving himself boundless strength.
In her view, this wasn't affection at all, but rather a form of self-deprecation. Such a thing had happened, and she had calmed her down in less than five minutes. She even glanced at her watch; it hadn't even been three minutes.
"Dai Yuzhuo, don't you feel utterly disgusted? Your emotional fastidiousness, allowing such bloodlines to have even the slightest connection with you, must make you regret it immensely, right?"
"Why don't you believe that you and your 'ex-wife' are the same person? As for me, I've never had a second crush. Once that crush started, it never faded away."
Three hours later, Dai and Zhuo finally gave birth to a stillborn baby.
Shuzhi knew she had made a mistake and committed a sin, but there was no turning back.
Those past events have long since vanished.
One knows the other knows he remembers, but pretends not to. The other knows the other knows he knows, but pretends not to notice.
When a person has been indifferent and estranged for a long time, they will only focus their emotions on a past person, nothing more.
It's like an old piece of clothing; you don't treat it with the same care as you would a new piece of clothing, but instead, you wear it comfortably.
She decided to remain childless, but she didn't know if she had thought this decision through or what the future it would bring. All she knew was that to escape Dai and Zhuo, she had to make the opposite decision.
At first, that was just her idea, but over time, she started to believe it herself. The more she talked about being childless, the more she seemed to accept it.
Just like how the word "divorce" becomes less frightening after being mentioned so often.
However, Dai Yuzhuo resolutely forbade her from saying that word. Since her return, he had been almost completely obedient to her, but he couldn't even mention this matter.
They'll be locked up like this for life, neither letting the other go, neither unlocking the other's chains, without any restraint.
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