Chapter 38: A Bitter Summer – A First Love That Ended Before It Even Began
There was a time when Shen Qingli thought she would be devastated or even accusatory when she asked that question, because this promise had once been very important to her.
But now, facing the cold wind of a winter morning, she had never felt so calm and desperate.
Asking questions with the answers in mind is like a drowning person running into the water to find the answers; once the words are spoken, the feeling of suffocation rushes into her chest like seawater.
She could only console herself with the thought that the wind was to blame.
The moment she asked the question, her amber eyes were fixed on him, awaiting his final answer, but it seemed more like she was issuing a final judgment on her unfinished relationship.
After a long while, in the wind, she finally heard the person in front of her softly say "Mmm".
Whether it was a misperception or not, the moment Lin Xiaqing answered, Shen Qingli felt as if the wind around her had stopped. Something inside her was silently collapsing, but she didn't show it on her face.
No matter how turbulent her emotions were, she refused to lower her head again, stubbornly looking at him, "Was this voluntary?"
As soon as she finished speaking, Lin Xiaqing, who had refused to look at her, finally raised her head and met her light-colored eyes. The girl in front of her was so calm, so calm as if she didn't care about anything, but the trembling eyelashes on her eyes betrayed her.
He knew she was sad; she only showed this side of herself when she was in extreme distress.
They had grown up together, and he had witnessed her moments of sadness. Shen Qingli's pain was silent, and even more so, it was a testament to her strong will.
In the past, she could still get angry at me, but now, with past promises broken and everything reduced to ashes, she just stares at me coldly.
He helplessly realized that he still understood her so well, and that her every move was of utmost importance to him.
But Lin Xiaqing now wished he didn't understand so much. His originally expressionless face finally began to show a flaw, and a bitter feeling welled up in his heart. His suppressed emotions were causing trouble at this moment.
In his countless passive lives, when he was forced to be pushed by fate, there was actually a moment when his restless heart wanted to tell her all his feelings, but it only lasted for a second. He was in a daze as Xia Qing, and the next second, he became Lin Xia Qing again.
Everything has come to this point, and it's a dead end. Any struggle he makes is in vain. Whether it's Xia Qing or Lin Xia Qing, he has no say in his life. The only thing he can do is push her away. Only when she's further and further away from his pathetic self can he avoid interfering with her life and barely preserve the meager dignity he once had.
So he gritted his teeth, a metallic taste of blood rising in his throat, and said, "Yes."
Having said those few words, it seemed as if he had exhausted all his strength. But Lin Xiaqing didn't know that he wasn't the only one who had used up all his courage and strength.
After receiving his answer, Shen Qingli finally blinked bitterly. She tried to suppress the soreness in her eyes, but the sadness was like a tide, engulfing her emotions wave after wave.
She despised herself for still making excuses for Lin Xiaqing even now, and fiercely condemned herself for refusing to accept reality.
In short, she simply couldn't accept that the person in front of her had lightly dismissed a promise she considered important, and she was unwilling to accept that someone she had once trusted had broken their word.
"Aren't you going to explain anything?" She scoffed, rubbing her eyes hard with her hand. The indifference she had imagined was shattered once again. Before coming here, she had clearly told herself not to shed another tear in front of Lin Xiaqing. But now, two different voices appeared in her mind. One told her not to be so pathetic, while the other told her to keep pressing for an explanation. The person in front of her had promised her, so he should give her an explanation.
In the end, the latter prevailed over reason, and she refused to give up.
They all knew the truth, no matter what the explanation.
He didn't say anything, but closed his eyes, his lips moving but he could only utter these few words: "I'm sorry."
The words were neither too soft nor too harsh, but they were just enough to shatter Shen Qingli's fragile heart.
If Shen Qingli could be a little calmer now, she might be able to see Lin Xiaqing's pain, which she could no longer pretend to be, and that they had both lost completely in this conversation.
Unfortunately, they both thought they had no time to care about each other.
Lin Xiaqing's words made it impossible for her to continue deceiving herself. He hadn't forgotten; he remembered everything. And all her questioning had only yielded these few words in response.
Shen Qingli finally broke down completely under his words, but she still refused to lower her eyes, as if she felt that if she avoided his gaze, she would lose even more miserably, even though the person in front of her still didn't spare her a single glance.
Her tears fell straight to the ground, like the rain that fell that summer.
She felt she didn't need to ask any more questions; she had already gotten the answer she wanted.
All those things they used to talk about, the most intimate thoughts she thought they shared, were just wishful thinking on her part; they were all lies.
Everything she cherished was nothing more than a simple "I'm sorry" in the eyes of the person who made the promise.
The person making the promise didn't care, but the person who believed it took it seriously.
-
In the silence, the first rain of this winter fell like a storm.
Listening to the sound of raindrops hitting the ground and trees outside, Shen Qingli laughed again in despair. She had made the wrong bet again; it seemed that fate would never be on her side.
After thinking it over, she stood up, wiped away the cold tears on her face, and looked at Lin Xiaqing, who was still silent and showed no sign of sadness. At this moment, her emotions collapsed and became excessive. The disappointment and anger in her heart piled up and had nowhere to be vented. Her mouth began to speak uncontrollably and without thinking: "I was just delusional. I naively thought that someone like you, Young Master Lin, would be a guy who keeps his promises."
"..." Despite her obvious sarcasm, he still did not show the slightest displeasure.
At this moment, Shen Qingli would rather he be angered by her, at least it would mean that he had cared about that past. But no, she nodded to herself in despair, as if she had no way to deal with him. "Didn't you tell me not to talk to you at school? Okay, I promise you now. I'm telling you, Lin Xiaqing, from now on, whether at school, outside of school, or anywhere in Suzhou, you and I are just strangers."
She personally severed all remaining ties between them, dismissing that summer as worthless, as if they had never met. Lin Xiaqing remained silent upon hearing this, and after a long while, she finally uttered a single word, "Okay."
It was that same light, dismissive word again, but thankfully, she had long since given up hope for his reaction or reply. Even though the person in front of her had caused her so much pain in the past, only this time had her heart utterly crushed.
"Lin Xiaqing, I've never hated anyone so much before, you're the first. Goodbye."
She clenched her teeth, trying not to let the sobs escape her lips; she didn't want to make a fool of herself in front of him again.
After saying those words, Shen Qingli turned around and was about to rush into the pouring rain. She could no longer stay by this person's side. The feeling of helplessness was constantly engulfing her, making her want to run away without a care in the world.
But seeing that she was about to leave, the person who had been sitting dejectedly in his seat finally reacted. He stood up, almost subconsciously grabbed her, and handed her the umbrella, saying, "It's raining outside, take the umbrella and go."
"I don't need your hypocrisy!" But Shen Qingli felt that he was being very hypocritical. He hadn't reacted to anything she said earlier, but now he was pretending to be a good person.
Thinking of this, she shook off his hand, ignored what he said, and rushed into the heavy rain alone.
Once again, he watched the figure in front of him grow further and further away.
He almost immediately stood up, wanting to rush out and stop her. He took a step and ran into the rain. The winter rain was like ice, and it felt more piercing than anything else when it fell on him. The rain gave Lin Xiaqing a chill and also brought him to his senses.
Finally, he stopped, realizing he couldn't do that. He gripped the black umbrella tightly and watched the figure disappear from his sight.
Many years ago, he and Charlene came here for the first time. It rained heavily that day. At that time, they were penniless after paying their rent. They couldn't even buy some daily necessities. When it rains, it pours. The mother and son, who couldn't afford an umbrella, also stood in front of this small shop.
He first met her on this rainy day.
That year, they were only seven or eight years old. Xia Lin was desperate and borrowed a phone from a kind passerby to call her parents for help. Meanwhile, her mother had placed him in a corner of the roof to shelter from the rain. At that time, little Shen Qingli saw him shivering in the rain and, seeing how pitiful he was, kindly handed him her black umbrella.
She said she had been caught in the rain and became seriously ill when she got home. Considering that the other person seemed to be about the same age as her, she generously gave her umbrella to the other person and then went home with her grandmother, who had gone out with her, holding another small umbrella.
That same figure appeared in the pouring rain that day.
Shen Qingli didn't remember; their first meeting was actually much earlier than she remembered.
It all started with an umbrella, and we got closer because of that umbrella. Now, as we say goodbye, it's still raining, but no one needs that umbrella anymore.
The last words Shen Qingli had uttered were still echoing in Lin Xiaqing's ears. She had said she hated herself. Thinking of this, he stood in the heavy rain and laughed self-deprecatingly. The emotions he had suppressed for so long were finally able to show. He shrugged and laughed until his whole body trembled.
He recalled that summer three years ago when he was forced to return to that disgusting man's house for his mother's treatment and made a deal with him.
Before leaving, he returned here with reluctance and longing, sitting there for a whole day gazing in the direction of her house. Giving up freedom and dreams was never as easy as he made it sound.
Lin Xiaqing was unaware that on the day Shen Qingli left, she had also looked in the direction of his home.
In some mysterious way, they had both paused to exchange a glance as they left this place, and only that summer knew the truth.
-
Braving the torrential rain, Lin Xiaqing silently walked into the storm, but the umbrella remained unopened.
That winter, they were both drenched in the same rain, and they both suffered through a rainy night for each other, but no one knew.
-
That evening, Shen Qingli developed a high fever after returning home.
She had countless bizarre dreams in a daze. In one dream, when she was little, her mother sent her to her grandparents' house. Before leaving, she cried with snot and tears all over her face, reluctantly grabbing her mother's clothes and saying that she wanted to go home with her mother. Her mother gently promised her that she would come to pick her up with her father and sister in a few days.
She sobbed as she believed it, but day after day, she always waited for them to come back and pick her up at the door of her house, whether it was sunny or rainy. Sometimes, when she heard the sound of a car driving by in the village, she would run out with great joy.
But they didn't come back for her. After many attempts, they were always disappointed. They left her in the countryside for sixteen years without any explanation. Even though she and her sister were both their parents' daughters, they lived completely different lives.
If you can't do it, why did you agree? If you didn't want to come back for her, why did you lie to her?
Those nightmares haunted her countless times in the middle of the night. She began to hate contact with her parents and to hate false promises.
Those things from the past, things that should have been forgotten and faded away with time, Shen Qingli thought she would never dream of again after growing up. But on this rainy night, with thunder and rain raging outside, Lin Xiaqing's broken promise made her recall those not-so-pleasant memories in her dream.
The fragmented dreams crisscrossed, and the voice of her mother's promise overlapped with the promise he had made to her. Countless moments flashed back and forth in the dream, causing her to toss and turn in pain in her sleep.
The promises they made together kept recurring in her dreams, as if deliberately reminding her that everything was over.
But their promise wasn't just about going to Nanshi for the exam together; it was a series of promises buried beneath that one sentence.
There is a famous mountain near Tainan University. It is said that if you make a sincere wish on an ancient tree there and hang a prayer plaque on it, your wish will come true.
Although they didn't know if it was true or not, everything about Nanshi filled them with longing and anticipation at that time.
The two of them had promised to go to Nanshi together, to climb that famous mountain together, and to personally write down their most anticipated wishes and hang them up.
"Is there anything you really want to hang up?"
In her dream, Xia Qingwen's gentle voice came, a tone she hadn't heard in a long time. She saw herself open her mouth as if to answer something, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't seem to hear what that version of herself was saying.
...
"Ah Li? Ah Li? Why are you sweating so much?"
In reality, Shen Qingyun heard her sad murmurs outside the door, opened the door with concern, went to Shen Qingli's bedside, touched her head covered in cold sweat, and anxiously called out to her.
But trapped in her nightmare, she frowned, as if she couldn't hear any sound from the outside world.
Seeing this, Shen Qingyun rushed out anxiously and shouted, "Mom! Come quick! Qingli has a fever!"
Outside, the rain poured down, the trees swayed, and raindrops pounded heavily against the window. In her dream, she painfully shed a single tear, the icy tear sliding down her cheek and disappearing into the pillow.
Tears in winter are for a first love that ended before it even began...
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Author's Note: Winter's tears are left for summer. TT
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