Chapter 40 Whose Youth Can Be Relived in the Bitter Summer?
A few days later, at the end of summer, Shen Qingli packed her bags and, without telling anyone in her family, boarded the high-speed train to Nanshi a day early.
Before leaving, she tidied up her room and took out something hidden in a secret cabinet. Three years ago, it contained a diary and an exercise book, and now, it still contained the same two items.
She stared at the things lying in the cabinet, her heart no longer stirred with emotion. All the tears she had shed for Lin Xiaqing had vanished on that feverish night.
The things in front of me seemed to be constantly reminding me that everything was real.
It's true that they confided in each other, it's true that they studied together, and it's true that he hated himself...
It's not easy for two people to go from confiding in each other to hating each other.
Thinking of this, Shen Qingli's eyelashes trembled. She stiffly packed the contents into the plastic bag in front of her, pulled her suitcase, and gently closed the front door of her house.
When she arrived at the trash can at the bus stop, she turned her head away, but her hand loosened, and the bag that she had been holding tightly slipped off her fingers.
With a soft "thump," she stared blankly at the surface of the trash can, then turned around, her hand resting on her clothes trembling uncontrollably.
I stepped onto the bus heading to the high-speed rail station and left Suzhou.
She kept repeating to herself, "Leave everything here," as if warning herself.
It's all in the past. Those things that shouldn't have been in the past, and those things that we don't want to be in the past, shouldn't be carried forward with her.
...
On the night Shen Qingli left Suzhou, a torrential rainstorm hit the city.
The mud and sewage soaked the diary in the trash can, the words seeping through page by page, the summer rain still relentless.
...
July 10, 2012, early summer, torrential rain.
I ran into someone I didn't like.
July 11, 2012, Wednesday, rainy day.
I hate rainy days, but people don't seem so bad anymore.
July 20, 2012, Friday, sunny.
I took extra classes with Xia Qing.
July 30, 2012, Monday, rainy day.
He made a point of knowing I liked pears, so I don't dislike Xia Qing anymore...
Because I think I've gained a very important friend.
August 3, 2012, Friday, light rain.
A secret we shared. How did summer go by so fast? I wish this summer could slow down.
August 6, 2012, Monday, sunny.
I want to go to university in Nanshi with Xia Qing.
August 30, 2012, a sweltering summer day, rainy.
sorry……
September 1, 2012, early autumn, sunny.
I ran into him again, Xia Qing? Lin Xia Qing?
...
2013/2/10, late winter, sunny day.
Happy New Year, Xia Qing.
Can we set off fireworks together one more time?
March 6, 2013, early spring, sunny.
Does his past, which he hates so much, include me?
...
2015/2/6, late winter, sunny day.
Yes, it is. It turned out to be a rainy day.
Lin Xiaqing, I hate you.
August 20, 2015, Thursday, sunny.
goodbye.
...
The lost diary, countless rainy days—she and Lin Xiaqing went through all four seasons, but only one bitter summer remained, leaving her with lingering regret.
-
As summer drew to a close, Shen Qingli left Suzhou with the money she had saved from part-time jobs. The night before deleting the Baidu Tieba app, she received a greeting from Ing, who asked if she had been accepted into the major she wanted at Nanjing University. She was powerless and saddened, unable to reply, and ultimately did not.
Before boarding the high-speed train, she deleted everything related to Suzhou No. 1 Middle School, including Lin Xiaqing and Xiaqing.
This person began to become a taboo word in her long life.
Before she could figure out her feelings for him, she chose to run away.
At that time, Shen Qingli did not realize the preciousness of this relationship. She only felt that it was a first love that ended before it even began, a sad past that had caused her pain.
Because of the pain, one wants to avoid it; because of the pain, one can only make oneself hate it.
It wasn't until later, when people around her talked about their crushes from their school days, that she belatedly realized the significance of that relationship. Such pure love might never happen again in a lifetime.
Love or hate, it can never be undone.
-
"Ding-dong."
The message on her WeChat brought her back to her senses for a moment. Before she knew it, the takeout in front of her had gone completely cold. A few flashes of lightning streaked across the night sky of Suzhou, and a heavy rain fell silently.
Rain pounded against the living room windows, and the wind howled outside.
She turned her head and looked at her face reflected in the glass, momentarily lost in thought.
Eighteen-year-old Shen Qingli left Suzhou City disheartened, going against her former dreams. As time passed, she looked at herself and wondered if she had been pulled back to the past tonight. With many worries and a long night, she felt that she had become the very thing she used to hate the most.
She was doing a job that she neither liked nor hated, and was forced to return from Nanshi to continue making a living in this city she disliked. The only stubborn thing about her was that she would rather rent a place outside than go back to that home.
Her youthful, exaggerated dreams faded before they could come true, and she finally learned to compromise over the years.
Shen Qingli lowered her head, her feelings a mix of emotions, and opened the newly received message, only to find it was from Luo Yiqiu.
Qiu: Qingli, our school is about to celebrate its 100th anniversary, and many students will be invited back to the school to participate. Are you coming? We haven't seen each other in a long time, how about we get together?
Shen Qingli was somewhat surprised to receive another message from Luo Yiqiu.
She left Su City without a word that year, so almost no one could find out where she went.
My memories of Suzhou No. 1 High School seem to be stuck in that unpleasant summer. As for Luo Yiqiu, they used to exchange greetings in the early years, but as they grew older, they lived in different cities and gradually developed their own lives, and slowly lost contact.
Shen Qingli had very few friends in high school. She always felt that her friendships were too shallow. Pain mixed with exhaustion made her not want to think about it anymore.
Perhaps the only thing that hasn't changed over the years is Luo Yiqiu. She saw that she hadn't replied, but the messages on her phone kept vibrating.
Qiu: I haven't asked you yet, are you still living in Nanshi? I always heard you say that you didn't want to come back.
Staring at the message, she paused for a moment before typing a few words in reply.
Pear: No, I'm currently working in Suzhou.
Qiu: You actually came back? I always thought you would settle down and live in Nanshi.
Pear: My grandfather is sick and needs surgery, so I came back.
She typed silently on the keyboard of her phone screen. Shen Qingli thought that if it weren't for her grandfather being hospitalized and needing someone to take care of him, she probably wouldn't have come back.
Over the years, apart from holidays like Chinese New Year, she has returned to Suzhou less and less often. In fact, there's nothing to come back to; going home just means endless arguments and conflicts. She's long been tired of everything about that home and no longer longs for it.
Qiu: What? How is your grandfather doing now?
Pear: I had surgery a few days ago and haven't been discharged yet, but I'm much better.
...
She chatted with Luo Yiqiu for a few minutes, but didn't mention anything about returning to school.
She was different from them; she didn't miss high school and never thought about going back.
-
The next day, Shen Qingli came to work as usual. Her colleague at the opposite workstation took out a few pears from her bag, washed them, and handed them to her, saying, "These are homegrown in my hometown. They're fresh and harmless. Please try them; they're especially sweet."
"Here's a green pear, I'll give you the biggest one."
Staring at the green pear with water stains in front of her, she pursed her lips and said somewhat awkwardly, "Thank you, Sister Yan, but I can't eat pears. You can have the big one yourself."
"Oh? Qingli, are you allergic to pears? I'm sorry, I didn't know. I saw that your WeChat name in the group was 'Pear,' so I thought you loved to eat pears."
Hearing Sister Yan's apologetic voice, she shook her head and explained, "I'm not allergic. I used to really like eating them. But after eating a pear that my roommate gave me in college, I threw up all night and felt terrible for a long time. I haven't liked eating them since then."
"Oh my god, did this happen all of a sudden? Have you seen a doctor?" Lu Ning asked in shock, munching on a pear.
"I looked at it, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I guess I ate something wrong. But I felt really uncomfortable that time, so I didn't dare to eat it after that, and I gradually stopped liking it."
Speaking of this, she felt the atmosphere was getting a bit too serious, so she took the initiative to joke, "It's just a pity about Sister Yan's pears, I'm not fortunate enough to enjoy them."
"Oh, it's nothing. Next time, Sister Yan will bring you something else to eat."
"Sister Yan, there's me! There's me!"
"Okay."
Lu Ning chimed in with a grin, and Yan Jie and the others were quickly distracted.
Seeing that everyone had already changed the subject and were talking about something else, Shen Qingli stared at the computer, but her thoughts drifted away.
-
When she first arrived in Nanshi, she was not in good health, whether it was due to the change in environment or something else.
In the past, when she was sick, Grandpa and Grandma Shen always loved to make her radish and pear soup. The taste was slightly sweet but not greasy. The steps were simple and it could cure coughs.
This was her first time living independently outside, and she wanted to learn how to do it properly, but she felt disgusted when she saw a pear.
That pear was neither rotten nor defective.
But whenever she sees it, she inevitably thinks about everything related to high school.
The problem is with her.
Shen Qingli also tried to overcome it, so she forced herself to swallow it, but in the end her stomach churned and she was so uncomfortable that she couldn't say a word.
She couldn't overcome herself. Just as everyone's youth seems to be able to look back, and they can look back and reminisce appropriately because there were happy memories there, only hers couldn't. She could only grit her teeth and move forward.
The unripe pear she couldn't swallow, like that person, seemed to disappear silently in her life, yet it was like a fishbone stuck in her throat.
-----------------------
Author's note: Such pure love may never happen again in a lifetime. (Modified from the internet.)
Frantically typing away at my keyboard in my hotel room in Chongqing...
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