Chapter 39 The Bitter Summer: She Had No Turning Back
In June 2015, summer arrived in Suzhou once again without warning.
This summer, Shen Qingli and her classmates finished the most important exam of their lives.
With both daughters having finished their college entrance exams, Shen's parents were finally able to relax. They suggested taking the two sisters on a trip to unwind, but Shen Qingli refused.
She anxiously awaited her college entrance exam scores at home. Finally, in mid-June, she logged onto the website to check her scores on her home computer. The interface froze, and the moment it crashed, she felt like she was about to stop breathing.
Her score was actually 30 points higher than the minimum admission score for Tainan University last year.
Shen Qingli stared at her total score on the computer screen, looking at it incredulously over and over again.
The cheers of Shen Qingyun had already begun, and Shen's parents were genuinely surprised when they saw the score. They hadn't expected Shen Qingli to do so well, even matching their eldest daughter's score back then.
They never paid enough attention to her, and later they were too strict with her. They even subconsciously felt that children who didn't grow up by their side wouldn't amount to anything. Their initial requirement for her was just to get into a university, but Shen Qingli delivered a very satisfactory result.
A few days ago, Shen's parents brought her grandparents from the countryside to the city to witness her college entrance examination scores. Upon learning that she had scored so high, the two elderly people were moved to tears. Only they knew the hardships she had endured.
The family was celebrating joyfully, but Shen Qingli's happiness only lasted a few days.
In the following days, when the topic of applying to schools came up, Shen's mother once again acted as if it were the most natural thing in the world, ordering her to apply to Suzhou University.
Hearing her words, Shen Qingli was no longer as obedient as before. She pursed her lips and resolutely refused, "I'm not going to Suzhou University. I told you and Dad before that I want to go to Nanjing University. And you said that as long as I can get into Nanjing University, you'll let me go."
Upon hearing this, Shen's mother was surprised that she would publicly humiliate her, and her face immediately darkened. She really hadn't expected Shen Qingli to get such a high score.
But Shen Qingli's words made Grandpa and Grandma Shen look at her as well, since she and her father had indeed promised her before.
Under the watchful eyes of the other family members, Chen's mother couldn't openly express her anger. She smiled awkwardly, but her tone was still somewhat reluctant as she said, "Why would a girl like you run so far away? Wouldn't it be better to stay in Suzhou, with your parents?"
"You promised me."
Shen Qingli remained unmoved by her words. She didn't want to argue with her mother any further, because she knew very well that nothing she said would make a difference. So she could only turn to her father and call out to him, "Right, Dad?"
"Oh, it's alright, it's alright. It's good for a girl to go out and see the world. Since you've already promised Xiaoli, you can't go back on your word, right? So listen to her and apply to Nanjing University. Nanjing University and Suzhou University are both very good." Seeing that the atmosphere was not right, Grandpa Shen quickly stepped in to smooth things over.
Noticing his daughter looking at him, Mr. Shen, not wanting to cause any unpleasantness on this auspicious day, quickly chimed in, "Yes, yes, Nanjing University it is. Although it's a bit far, it's still a good school."
Seeing that her family members all said this, Shen's mother didn't say anything more. After all, she had promised Shen Qingli first. She reluctantly tried to make amends, muttering, "Okay, okay, I was just saying it casually. Nanjing University it is. Would your father and mother lie to you? But if you go to Nanjing University, you can apply for the same major as your sister. Girls can study at a teacher's college and become teachers."
After saying that, she pointed to the computer in front of her and began making decisions for Shen Qingli as usual.
The rest of the family members were obviously used to her "giving orders," and they had no objections to the arrangement, so they naturally didn't think Shen Qingli would have any objections either.
Shen's mother continued to ramble on, making her life decision casually and naturally, never asking whether she was willing or not. Everyone around her seemed satisfied with the arrangement, but Shen Qingyun seemed to have sensed something and was looking at her with concern.
In this harmonious atmosphere, Shen Qingli could no longer contain herself and spoke up, sternly rejecting the idea again, "I don't want to study to be a teacher! I don't like this major!"
Her sudden words caused the atmosphere in the house to freeze for a moment. To Shen's mother, these words were tantamount to rebellion. She was already dissatisfied with Shen Qingli going to Suzhou University against her will, and now her face was filled with anger. She stood up and said angrily, "What do you mean by liking or disliking? Do you think taking the college entrance exam is a joke? You can study a teacher's college major, and become a teacher like your sister. You two sisters can help each other out."
Another favor! It seems her life can never be separated from Shen Qingyun, and all her decisions must be related to Shen Qingyun.
Does she have to follow the path that Shen Qingyun has taken?
Shen Qingli was fed up with this endless control. She could compromise on everything for her grandparents to maintain a semblance of peace in the family, but on this particular matter, she gritted her teeth and refused to say, "Why do I have to do everything the same as my sister? I told you a long time ago that I didn't want to be a teacher!"
As her voice grew increasingly shrill, Mr. Shen abruptly stood up from his seat. As always, he reprimanded her without any explanation, "Xiao Li! How dare you speak to your mother like that? How can you be so disrespectful! Apologize to your mother right now!"
Grandpa Shen and Grandma Shen, who were standing nearby, also rushed over to smooth things over. Grandma Shen pulled Shen Qingli, who was suppressing her anger, and told her not to do that.
But Shen's mother was clearly enraged. She flung away Shen's father's hand, strode up to her, and demanded, "So what major do you want to study? Tell me, tell me what you like!"
"..."
Looking at the angry face in front of her, Shen Qingli felt her whole body trembling. Her hands, which were on the hem of her clothes, suddenly clenched. Finally, the dream that would have been rejected if spoken aloud was forced out at this moment.
"I want to apply to the film studies program at Nanjing University; that's what I really like."
After saying that, she shouted loudly, as if she had lost all her strength.
Her words echoed in the quiet house, and Chen's mother laughed out loud as if she had heard an absurd joke, which calmed down her anger.
"What nonsense are you talking about? You've never even heard of this obscure major. What are you going to study? If you study this kind of rubbish, will you be able to find a job after graduation?"
Hearing her slander and belittle what she liked, Shen Qingli's face turned pale. She should have expected this outcome.
In this family, anything that Shen's mother disapproves of is not allowed to exist, but it is her preference and her dream, and it is not something that can be discarded or rejected at will.
She didn't want to continue arguing with Shen's mother about this pointless fight, nor did she want to hear any more hurtful words from her, but she still refused to compromise.
And so, because of the college application issue, the family was completely deadlocked, with no one willing to back down.
Shen Qingli went so far as to lock herself in her room and go on a hunger strike to show her resolve.
At first, Shen's parents didn't take it too seriously. After all, they would reject everything she had done in the past that they considered unconventional, and she was sensible enough not to express any objections.
The couple thought that she was just going through a late rebellious phase and that Shen Qingli would figure things out in a few days and listen to them. However, Shen's mother was still quite angry. She couldn't stand anything being out of her control, especially her daughter.
Shen Qingli, rather than being her child, is more like a pawn on her chessboard, whose every move is beyond her control.
But this time was different. Shen's mother waited for two or three days without receiving an apology from Shen Qingli. She then resorted to her usual tricks, complaining loudly throughout the house.
“I’m her biological mother! Would I ever harm her? She should listen to me and follow the path I’ve chosen. Isn’t it good to go to teacher’s college? She’ll have a stable job after graduation. Why is she so ungrateful!”
"Alright, alright, you should say less." These past few days, Mr. Shen had been listening to the nagging of those around him every day, and he could only helplessly continue to smooth things over and play the good guy.
"What's wrong? Did I say something wrong? Agreeing to let her go to Nanjing University is already my bottom line! How can she be so unreasonable? She's always causing so much trouble! How much have I worried about her all these years? Go tell your good daughter that if she insists on applying for that major, I won't give her a single penny. She wants to go to Nanshi, right? Then she can work to pay for her own tuition. I'll pretend I don't have this daughter anymore!"
"Can you please stop saying such hurtful things!" As her words became increasingly offensive, Mr. Shen also became angry.
The house was in complete chaos, and Grandpa Shen and Grandma Shen had to keep trying to persuade them, they were very worried.
The relationship between the mother and daughter deteriorated further this summer. In such a major matter, Shen Qingyun was unable to help at all. She could not choose her own life, so how could she help her sister's life?
In this family, all rebellion will be eliminated. Perhaps Shen Qingli knew this all along, but she just refused to give up so easily.
For the past eighteen years, she was unable to choose what she liked or wanted to do. She was forced to stay at home as a sensible granddaughter and daughter, and never had the right or qualification to have her own hobbies and interests.
Even if it's a desperate fight, she doesn't want to give in to fate like this.
-
As for Shen Qingli's parents, who were not close to her to begin with, her hunger strike posed no threat to them whatsoever. Only Shen's grandparents would feel sorry for her in this way of harming herself.
Late at night, with the day for submitting college application forms drawing ever closer, she sat in her room all day. The room was dark, with no lights on, and only a few specks of moonlight falling on the floor.
She gazed at the pale moon and the twinkling stars outside, but her heart grew increasingly desperate. She had always known that the adults in this family would never compromise for the sake of the children.
She didn't know how much longer this would last; all she knew was that she was on the verge of collapse under her mother's daily, both overt and covert, accusations.
Just then, the door was quietly opened, and Grandma's voice came from behind, "Little Pear, why didn't you turn on the light if you weren't asleep?"
Hearing the voice, she turned around and called out, "Grandma."
"Hey, are you hungry? Grandma got you something to eat."
Grandma Shen walked over to her side and looked at her granddaughter's noticeably thinner face these past few days. She felt a pang of sadness and placed the things next to Shen Qingli, then turned on the table lamp.
"Have some, Little Pear, don't starve yourself."
"My sister gave me some food."
"That won't do either. You've only eaten so little. Eat more. Grandma feels terrible seeing you get so thin..."
"..."
In the dim light, she could hear a clear sob in her grandmother's voice.
So she sighed, obediently nodded, unwrapped the sandwich beside her, and stuffed it into her mouth without thinking.
"I remember you used to love this bread the most." Seeing that she was willing to eat, Grandma Chen finally smiled a little.
In the past, she would have smiled and pointed out that it was a sandwich, not bread. But now, looking at her grandmother's gray hair and tired face sitting next to her, she mechanically ate the sandwich in her hand, unable to say a word as if it were tasteless.
After a while, when she was almost finished eating, Grandma Chen hesitated and moved her lips carefully before asking her, "Xiao Li, please don't be angry with your parents anymore, okay? You don't want to study to be a teacher, I'll have your grandfather talk to your parents, and we can still go to Nanshi if you change your major. Let your parents choose a few more majors, and then you can choose, okay?"
Upon hearing this, Shen Qingli slowly stopped chewing. She had guessed that her grandmother would come to persuade her, but if it were either her father or mother, she might have continued to resist. But they chose her grandmother to persuade her.
She remained silent. Seeing her like this, Grandma Chen seemed completely at a loss. Her wrinkled face showed distress, and she said sadly, "But that major you mentioned before, your parents said it's really not going to work. Your grandpa and grandma can't agree to it either. Xiaoli, we've worked so hard to raise you. Listening to your parents is always the right thing to do, okay? Please be good, okay?"
As she spoke, Grandma Shen sighed deeply and began to cry silently.
Hearing her grandmother's sobs, Shen Qingli lowered her head, her eyes involuntarily reddening, a wave of sorrow welling up in her nose. She was always helpless when her grandmother cried.
In the dead of night, her eyes gradually filled with tears. Shen Qingli suddenly thought of Lin Xiaqing and her own words back then. Lin Xiaqing had said that she had never had a choice, and she had never been wrong.
Her likes and dreams, once spoken out, would inevitably lead to this outcome: no matter how much her grandparents doted on her, the major she chose was not allowed at home.
She kept her head down for a long time, and the darkness in the room made it impossible to see her expression. As if unwilling to give up, Shen Qingli choked up and finally asked, "Grandma, do you think the major I want to study is a waste of time, just like them?"
"..."
Grandma Shen didn't answer; she finally let out a sneer.
That summer night, her dream was extinguished by her own tears before it could even take flight.
-
Ultimately, at Shen's mother's reluctance, they selected several popular majors in Nanshi for Shen Qingli to choose from.
"Either choose one of these majors, or you can simply study at a university in Suzhou."
The final words of her mother's forbearance and coercion echoed in her ears. Shen Qingli had no choice; none of these paths were the way she wanted to take.
But when she saw her grandparents looking at her with hopeful and pleading eyes, she felt suffocated. Being put on this high platform by everyone, she was in pain and completely helpless.
"I choose this one."
As a second choice, the journalism department in Tainan City.
She would never want to stay in Suzhou; she was going to study at university in Nanshi no matter what.
-
That same summer, she received her acceptance letter, everything was settled, and she had no way to turn back.
On August 20, 2015, she learned from Luo Yiqiu that Lin Xiaqing was boarding a plane to go abroad that day to study at a university in London.
She was working outside when she heard the news. Looking up at the glaring sun overhead, she blinked her eyes, which were a little sore from the wind.
She thought it would be a nice day.
...
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Author's note: *crying*
This is the last draft I've prepared. I'll write the next update when I get home.
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