Chapter 31 Bitter Summer: She thought she had once liked him.
He strode over and, before Shen Qingli could see what he had lost, he hurriedly pulled her away.
Lin Xiaqing inexplicably led her to a pavilion in the community, which was about ten meters away. She blinked and looked at him, puzzled.
Both of them noticed their hands were still touching, and then, as if electrocuted, they jerked them back abruptly.
Lin Xiaqing turned his head away awkwardly, a hint of unease on his face as if he were trying to hide something. He cleared his throat before asking, "What... are you doing here?"
"I..." When he asked her that, Shen Qingli hesitated and bit her lip. She didn't know if she should tell him directly that she came to see him. She was unsure if he would misunderstand or be unhappy. So she could only stammer for a moment.
"If there's nothing else, you should go home early; it's getting late." Before she could even think of what to say, the boy standing in front of her spoke first.
Looking at the sky gradually darkening outside, it's already the end of May. The temperature at night won't be too cold, because summer will be here again soon.
Seeing that he had finished speaking and was about to leave, Shen Qingli became a little anxious and finally called out to him, "Wait. I... I have something to give you."
At this moment, she disregarded all her inner concerns, quickly walked up to him, blocked his way, hurriedly took out the bottom item from her backpack, and handed it to him in one go: "Um... thank you for what happened a few days ago. I saw that you seemed to be injured, so I bought some medicine and bandages. I thought you would need them."
As she finished speaking, her gaze involuntarily fell on the wound on the back of his right hand. The open wound looked like it hadn't been treated and appeared more serious than it had been a few days ago, showing signs of becoming infected.
Shen Qingli didn't know what he had been doing at home these past few days. She just felt a little heartbroken looking at the wound. She remembered the various first-aid kits that Xia Lin's house always kept on hand. She couldn't believe that such a large and luxurious house wouldn't have them. So she didn't understand why Lin Xiaqing hadn't treated it yet.
The person who was about to leave finally stopped in his tracks. He stared at the thing being handed to him, looking up at her with a surprised and complicated expression.
Looking at her worried yet cautious gaze, he felt a pang of pain in his heart. He wasn't sure what kind of reaction or expression he should have. He had been trying to drive her away, pushing her further away. But why didn't she dislike him? Why did she still come up to him to show concern?
His already numb heart once again revealed a feeling of helplessness, as if all his out-of-line emotions and actions over the years had been because of her.
Realizing her loss of composure, Lin Xiaqing stood frozen in place, unsure of what to do.
He could only attribute it all to his past self, because Shen Qingli treated his past self as a friend, so even though they had such an unpleasant falling out, she still cared about him.
Because he knew very well that the reason she kept coming to him had nothing to do with him now.
As for Xia Qing, he can get close to Shen Qingli, talk about his feelings and dreams with her, and make unrealistic promises about the future together.
But for Lin Xiaqing, he had lost everything he once had. He belittled and despised his current self in his heart, feeling that he was worthless and hypocritical. He was also certain that Shen Qingli would not like him now, and would never be willing to be friends with him now.
She was simply looking at the shadow of her past through her present self.
For the first time, he actually felt resentment towards his past self, because he could never, ever become the Xia Qing he once was. Even though he wanted to go back, he could only live according to the demands of his cheating father, just as he had said at school, this was the price.
And that was all he could do; this was the fate that had befallen him, and he could only accept it.
From a certain unfortunate point in his life, everything he did was beyond his control—his identity, and the people he loved.
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Thinking of this, the reluctance in his eyes was once again covered by indifference. He did not reach out to take the things, but resumed his previous indifference and said, "I don't need these. My wounds will heal themselves. You can keep the things."
He lowered his eyes, not wanting to, nor daring to, meet her gaze, as if only in this way could he pretend to be calm as he said those words: "Besides, I didn't do that thing at school because of anyone."
He had only explained it that way because he didn't want her to feel guilty, but his words clearly took on a different meaning when they reached Shen Qingli's ears. She froze on the spot after hearing his words, the plastic bag in her hand hurting her fingers, but she seemed oblivious to it.
Then, somewhat flustered, she withdrew her hand, forced a smile, and tried to make amends: "I know, you must be Luo Yiqiu, after all, you two are friends now..."
After saying that, she looked down at the thing in her hand, as if she wanted to stare a hole through the plastic bag. She felt that if she said anything more, she would only make herself seem more presumptuous. Even before she came, she had wondered if her help was partly due to her. Now that the person in front of her had said it so bluntly, she felt awkward and embarrassed.
The smile on her face grew increasingly stiff. Shen Qingli felt as if something was blocking her heart, making her feel more and more suffocated and uncomfortable.
She thought she shouldn't stay here any longer; perhaps she shouldn't have come in the first place.
After thinking it over, she hurriedly said, "Then I'll go first," and tried to escape, but she didn't notice that Lin Xiaqing's expression was not very good either.
His eyes darkened when he heard her say the word "friend".
He wanted to explain that he didn't mean it that way, but then he felt it was unnecessary. He shouldn't have bothered her life in the first place, so he shouldn't give her any impossible hope.
"If you really want to thank me, can you promise me one thing?" Staring at her departing figure, he pursed his lips, as if remembering something, and spoke again.
Upon hearing this, Shen Qingli stopped in her tracks again. She didn't turn around, but instead kept her back to him, asking in a voice devoid of emotion, "What?"
"From now on, let's pretend we don't know each other at school, okay?" As he spoke, Lin Xiaqing seemed to have exhausted all his strength. He took a deep breath before continuing, "Because I... don't want anyone to know about Xiaqing's past."
After saying that, he lowered his head almost instantly. He didn't dare to look at her, and he was also glad in his heart that she didn't turn around and look at him. Otherwise, he thought he wouldn't have had the courage to say those words to Shen Qingli's eyes.
But even if he didn't want to say it, he had to. He wanted to sever all ties with her before things got worse, even if she would hate him.
Since there would be no outcome, there should be no beginning. He didn't want to drag his decaying life into her future.
But none of the expected reactions occurred. Shen Qingli wasn't even angry like last time, nor did she cry. She simply stood quietly with her back turned.
He only seemed momentarily distracted when he mentioned the name "Xia Qing".
His words seemed to have no effect on her, but only she knew that her hand was getting more and more painful.
The atmosphere remained silent for a long time, so long that Lin Xiaqing thought she wouldn't answer him. Finally, she lowered her head, chuckled softly without any clear meaning, and then asked him, "Isn't Xiaqing's past yours too?"
These words seemed like a question, but she didn't give him a chance to answer. After saying those words, she straightened her back, lifted her foot, and left, leaving Lin Xiaqing standing there, unsure of what to do.
If she were to turn around now, she might see a Lin Xiaqing who is completely different from the one she used to see, and see the pain that overflows from his cold words.
But having heard too many hurtful words while staring into his eyes, Shen Qingli was no longer willing to turn back.
She didn't want to see those eyes, so different from before, now looking at her with a distant and indifferent gaze. She was afraid she would have a misconception, afraid she would realize that everything in the past was just her wishful thinking.
What a one and only friend, what an important person, what promises and rainy days—it was all just a pipe dream.
...
As I walked home, it was completely dark outside.
The cold white streetlights fell behind her, and thunder rumbled in the sky. Shen Qingli looked up blankly, seeing that dark clouds had obscured the moon. It was probably going to rain soon.
A gust of wind blew outside, carrying a sultry heat that made people very uncomfortable.
But she continued walking at a leisurely pace. Shen Qingli couldn't quite describe her feelings. She only felt that the contents of the plastic bag in her hand were getting heavier and heavier. The streetlights slowly lengthened her shadow. When she reached the flower bed, the plastic bag accidentally snagged on a nearby tree branch, and its contents spilled all over the ground. Several bottles of medicine rolled particularly far down the slope.
Looking at the things scattered all over the ground, her already pale face froze. She sighed helplessly and subconsciously squatted down to pick them up. But as she slowly walked down the slope, she realized that the last bottle of medicine was a glass bottle that had been broken into pieces and could not be picked up anymore.
There was no way to pick it up anymore. Looking at the mess of broken glass on the ground, I told myself that there was nothing I could do.
She stared blankly at the ground, her eyelids drooping. At this moment, the defenses in her heart finally began to crumble, and the bitterness that welled up in her heart almost swallowed her up.
She didn't know whether she should be sad or not, because she really wanted to tell Lin Xiaqing that he didn't need to ask her for this, since they had never crossed paths at school and no one would connect them, so he could rest assured.
Even though she had guessed his meaning, she still couldn't help feeling frustrated and upset. Sadness is probably about things that shouldn't be done or shouldn't be done, just like now. Her reason was telling her not to cry, but her emotions kept overcoming her rationality.
She hated Lin Xiaqing, and she hated what he said even more.
She didn't understand why he always had to distinguish himself so clearly. Xia Qing or Lin Xia Qing, wasn't he the same person?
Everything in the past was real, and it wasn't their pretense. She could feel that he was sincere, so why did everything have to turn out like this in just a few months?
Sometimes, Shen Qingli even felt that the person who was clinging to the past and refusing to let go was not herself, but Lin Xiaqing.
He kept reminding himself that everything was in the past, constantly telling himself his name, and saying those distant words, as if he wanted to remind her all the time.
She had no idea what happened during the month she didn't go back; everyone kept quiet about it, not even Charlene.
So Shen Qingli could only console herself that perhaps Lin Xiaqing simply didn't want to continue being friends with her, and that was his right, and she had no right to restrict someone who wanted to leave.
She only lost a relatively important friend. But don't people say that a person can have more than one friend in their life? She will have other friends, and new people will join her life. Losing a friend is nothing, isn't it?
But she didn't know why she was still so sad, and she couldn't even figure out if she should feel this sadness.
Seventeen-year-old Shen Qingli could neither understand nor express her inner feelings.
Later, when Shen Qingli looked back on this period of her youth, she realized that she had indeed liked Lin Xiaqing.
When he distanced himself from her and didn't want to have any contact with her, when he was hurt and she felt worried, when he held up an umbrella for her, and when he and she made a promise to go to the same university.
Her sadness and joy both stemmed from the same person.
It wasn't just because of friends, but also because he was someone she had a crush on and liked.
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The author notes: "Bitter Summer" is Shen Qingli's assessment of that story's emotions after she grew up, but it's not her current state.
In fact, besides being unable to control their own circumstances, there was another crucial time difference between them.
That's Xia Qing and Lin Xiaqing.
Lin Xiaqing is currently experiencing significant self-destructive tendencies because he feels he has become someone he no longer is. Therefore, he is certain that Shen Qingli would not like him as he is now, but he has no way to change or go back, so he can only endure it.
As for Shen Qingli, does she like Xia Qing or Lin Xiaqing? Or does she simply like him as a person?
I think this is a question for everyone to consider. I initially wrote with absolute certainty that I liked one of them, but as I wrote this, I felt a mix of emotions, perhaps things are already hard to explain TT
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