So close and so far (5)
Zhao Shihua saw a sentence online that said when a group of people laugh, everyone will look at the person they like.
But since junior high, Zhao Shihua had become much more cautious. Even in moments like these, when everyone's defenses were down, she never stared at him intently. However, when her gaze arced from one end to the other like a rainbow, it would inevitably pass by the back of his head, such as after break, when lining up in the cafeteria at noon, or when walking down the stairs after school.
Unconsciously, that figure had become so familiar, like an ancient poem he had memorized as a child, etched into his mind. Just one or two words would easily memorize the entire scene. So, no matter where he was, Zhao Shihua could instantly find him, as if he had secretly installed a tracking device on him. Ten meters away, five meters away, within three meters, within one meter—beep, beep! The alarm sounded.
Pei Nachuan came over, not looking for him, but for Shao Yifu. Zhao Shihua pretended to be calm and continued to sit at the table studying, but his ears were almost turned back and pointed like a police dog.
It was a pity that Shao Yifu's voice often drowned out Pei Nachuan's deep voice, and he somehow particularly liked Pei Nachuan's nickname, so the content of the conversation was often just the repetitive "Nana" back and forth, still presented in his mind in bold and enlarged red font.
She wasn't as shameless as Shao Yifu, and didn't even dare to call him by his name. She just called him "Squad Leader" like most people. However, every time she did that, a hint of sweetness still welled up in her heart. After all, he was standing right behind her, so close.
So when Zhu Miaoyan asked her if she liked Shao Yifu, Zhao Shihua couldn't help but be stunned. She felt that the situation was ridiculous to the point of being laughable. She almost laughed out loud. She didn't hold the three bottles of drinks firmly in her arms, and one of them fell to the ground. Zhu Miaoyan quickly helped her pick it up, a meaningful smile on her face.
"How is that possible? Hahaha!" Zhao Shihua shook her head exaggeratedly. Just as she was about to take out her campus card to pay, she remembered that all her belongings were in her schoolbag. She hesitated for a moment, but decided to run back to get her schoolbag. "Sorry, Auntie, I forgot to bring my card. I'll come back later."
"No need to be so troublesome, let me pay for you first." Zhu Miaoyan handed over her card.
"...Thank you. I'll return the money to you later."
"It's okay, I'll treat you."
Zhang He was chatting happily with a friend from another class, so they were the only two left on the way back to the playground. The surroundings suddenly became quiet, and the depressing atmosphere seemed to freeze the air. Compared with the bustling atmosphere on the sports field, it was completely two different worlds.
"Oh, no, I just think you seem to care about him a lot..." Zhu Miaoyan tried to break the silence, pretending to be relaxed. "You've asked me about him before. Oh, and last time, at the beginning of the school year, didn't you deliberately look through his information?"
It turned out Zhu Miaoyan had already noticed it, but she hadn't spoken out loud. But how could Zhao Shihua explain it? It was a long, heavy memory, a secret that should be kept secret until the last night before vacation, when the lights were out in the dormitory and everyone was about to fall asleep.
It wasn't that Zhao Shihua distrusted Zhu Miaoyan. After all, wasn't it true that only close friends would discuss such matters? While she was grateful for growing closer to Zhu Miaoyan, she also felt a subtle wall rising between them. She had originally intended to let the past rot in her heart, but now that she was being forced to explain it, she felt somewhat resistant.
"Oh, you mean that time..." Zhao Shihua hesitated. She had never been a player who could adapt to circumstances. Asking her to make up an excuse on the spur of the moment was more difficult than memorizing the periodic table from beginning to end.
The two of them fell silent again. Even the usually lively and charming Zhu Miaoyan seemed embarrassed, perhaps regretting asking that question. Suddenly remembering something, she stopped and said, "I feel a little unwell and need to go to the bathroom. You should go back quickly; the awards ceremony might be starting soon!"
“…Okay.”
In the end, Zhao Shihua didn't go to find Shao Yifu or Zhuo Siqi. Instead, she returned to the classroom auditorium alone, carrying three bottles of drinks. A few classmates came over to congratulate her, but she forced a smile and said thank you without saying anything else. Others thought she was too tired to recover, but in fact, she was just struggling with whether to give away the drinks in her hands.
Even when Pei Nachuan came forward to celebrate, Zhao Shihua was not as excited as usual. Instead, because of Zhu Miaoyan's question just now, he added a bit of worry, worried that his behavior would cause more people to misunderstand.
She sat there thinking about this for who knows how long, when she suddenly heard someone calling her: "Zhao Shihua, Shao Yifu is looking for you!"
The other person's name suddenly drilled into Zhao Shihua's ears, frightening her. She glanced around but couldn't find Shao Yifu. "Where is he?"
"under!"
Zhao Shihua walked down the steps of the stands to the guardrail and looked down to see Shao Yifu standing by the track. "Hey—what do you want from me?"
The other person looked up at the sound, squinting his eyes due to the sunlight. "Zhao Shihua? Come down quickly and receive your award."
"Okay, got it. I'll be right there. Oh, wait a minute!" Zhao Shihua was about to turn around and go downstairs when she realized she was still holding the bottle of green tea. Without thinking or considering the danger, she threw the dark green bottle down in a parabola. "Catch it! It's for you."
"What? Oh! Thank you!" The drink fell steadily into Shao Yifu's hands. He raised the bottle to show Zhao Shihua with a smug smile on his face. His brown pupils looked like transparent glass marbles under the sunlight, which made her stunned.
"Wow! Throwing the bouquet!" Zhou Xin, who was passing by, suddenly shouted.
Zhao Shihua's hand was still suspended in mid-air, too late to retract. She turned and saw Zhu Miaoyan, Zhang He, and several other girls gathered in the shadows of the stands. They were all looking at her and Shao Yifu, and couldn't help laughing at Zhou Xin's joke. Shao Yifu, half-smiling, nudged Zhou Xin with his elbow, then casually unscrewed the bottle cap and began to drink.
He could have ignored it, but Zhao Shihua couldn't do that. Her face flushed red, not because she was embarrassed by having her secrets exposed, but because a huge anger like a raging fire rushed directly from her heart to her face.
The hard and solid ground beneath his feet seemed to crack open in an instant. Zhao Shihua had no time to grab anyone or anything around him before he fell into the bottomless ice crevice. The icy water gradually blocked his hearing and closed his sight, like a devil's hand pinching him tightly until he could no longer breathe.
Nightmares like these of "drowning" seem to keep repeating themselves.
Throughout the long school years, even as early as kindergarten, every class had at least one or two rumored couples. Especially in middle school, when love blossomed, young boys and girls, like young penguins still fuzzy, huddled together at the edge of the ice, curiously gazing out at the sea, hesitant about whether to venture out into the wider world.
So there were those who were brave enough to jump into the water with a splash, or they tasted the sweetness all of a sudden, or they choked on the water and were scared to run back to the shore; there were also those who were timid but liked to watch the fun, and when the friend was not paying attention, they would push their friend into the sea with an invisible hand, and watch the other person struggling in the water and have fun with it.
Zhao Shihua had this feeling when the whole class gathered for a group photo after the school sports meet. She felt like the little penguin that accidentally slipped and fell, struggling desperately in the icy water while her friends on the shore stretched their necks to watch her laugh.
"No wonder. I was wondering why she blushed and then chased Shao Yifu away. It turns out she was shy."
"And have you noticed? Zhao Shihua is super nice to Shao Yifu. He even lent him his notebooks and took out the trash for him!"
"Yes, I always feel like she cares about him a lot. When we were running, Zhao Shihua kept staring at Shao Yifu."
…
The so-called grasping at shadows is to interpret every unintentional act as intentional, every coincidence as scheming. Every student around you becomes a spy, your every move is collected and deciphered to reveal a heartbeat story of youth and rain.
But don't stories of premature love usually only happen to handsome men and beautiful women? Fairy tales are almost always about princes and princesses; even Cinderella must at least be from a prominent family, young and beautiful. How could a girl like me, with my ordinary looks and personality, and no one to know, actually have such "good luck"?
Zhao Shihua leaned back slightly, trying to catch the slightest whisper on the wind. Because she had received a medal, she was placed in the front row for the group photo, and Shao Yifu, as the sports committee member, naturally stood in the front row as well.
There were originally several classmates who had won awards in the middle, but after Zhou Xin squeezed in, he inexplicably pushed all the people in the middle aside, saying something like "Do you have any sense?" and then deliberately pushed Shao Yifu towards Zhao Shihua. He was really trying to cover up his mistake.
Seeing this, several students in the back row started to cheer. Luckily, the homeroom teacher was standing behind the camera a few meters away, so the people around them didn't dare to act too aggressively. Otherwise, someone would have been so excited that they would have added, "Together! Together!"
Zhao Shihua once again experienced what it meant to feel like "a thorn in the back".
She instinctively wanted to turn around and refute, to shut everyone up, or even to slap them in the face, to avenge her junior high school experience. However, thinking back to junior high, her past experiences made her realize clearly that in the face of such rumors, desperate denials were also admissions, silence was also admissions, and no matter what she said or did, it was all admissions.
Zhao Shihua could only hold her ground. Patience was everything. Wasn't that just patience? She'd heard stories like sleeping on straw and tasting gall, and how impatience can ruin great plans. Zhao Shihua knew the ancient teachings by heart. She clenched her fists, took a deep breath, and exhaled.
Don't care. Don't care. Don't—
"Why are you looking so stern?" Shao Yifu suddenly asked her, "Are you still bothered by the fact that you fell down at the end?" He still thought he cared about his image.
"No," Zhao Shihua didn't want to explain any further. Everyone was staring at him, and saying one more word would only add to the weight of the scandal. "Just look at the camera!"
"Three—two—one!"
"Cheese!" Shao Yifu shouted loudly beside him.
Even when looking straight ahead, Zhao Shihua could imagine his brilliant smile, his mouth stretched out in an exaggerated grin, revealing a row of not-so-tidy white teeth, his brow furrowed in a knot from the strain. But she simply couldn't smile at all.
But the torture was far from over.
After cleaning up the messy equipment and garbage in the audience seats, most of the students in the class made an appointment to have a celebration dinner at a restaurant near the school. Zhao Shihua was of course invited.
If she hadn't just happened, she would have happily joined in. After all, the word "party" held a similar allure to her as that of a star to a planet. But now, Zhao Shihua was dawdling as she descended the steps of the stands, deliberately falling at the end of the group.
"Shihua, hurry up! We have to hurry and grab a seat!" Zhu Miaoyan urged her from the front.
"I..." She stopped dead in her tracks when someone urged her to. She felt like she was torn between her conscience and her own desires, wanting to go but not daring to, and was extremely hesitant.
"Come on!" Zhang He joked, pointing to the back of Shao Yifu who was walking in front, "Uncle Shao is here too!"
"Okay, stop teasing her." Zhu Miaoyan nudged Zhang He and said to Zhao Shihua, "Are you still going with us?"
Something seemed to be broken. The times when we once shared a table, eating together, arm in arm, chatting and talking, were now like a shattered mirror. Even if I tried to put it back together, I would only end up with blood on my hands.
Zhao Shihua could no longer maintain even a false smile. The mask that had almost merged with her true face suddenly dried and hardened like cement, finally unable to bear the weight and shattered into pieces. She desperately took a deep breath: "I might—"
"Shihua, I'm going to the cafeteria to buy some sweet soup. Do you want to come with me?" Zhuo Siqi suddenly appeared behind him. His voice was neither loud nor soft, but loud enough for the students across the street who were watching him laugh to hear.
"Okay." She nodded vigorously, and hurried to catch up with Zhuo Siqi's pace as if she had grabbed the last straw. However, the moment she closed her eyes and turned around, fragments of the past came towards her like a huge wheel, and she had no time to dodge.
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