Chapter 163 I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve it, I’m afraid
Tong Zhongyuan's heart sank for no reason. He didn't want to hear any topic that started with "actually", especially the look in her eyes when she said this.
"The joint exhibition between the Shanghai Museum and the British Museum ends in two weeks. We need someone to inspect the Shanghai Museum's artifacts. I don't have time to go, so I recommended you to Director Ming."
Tong Zhongyuan pushed his chair back and tossed the used napkin onto the table. Why? Why was she always like this? When he made up his mind to return to England, she insisted on going to Niya alone. When he was about to declare his love for her, she asked him to go to Beijing to restore Yuan blue and white porcelain. When he thought he had the right to know her whereabouts, she ran off to Tokyo without a word. And now, when they were in love, she asked him to return to England. Were they incompatible? Or was it his will that forced them to be together?
He put on his coat, picked up her bag, and pulled her out of the restaurant. The cold winter night breeze cooled the anger in his chest slightly. He didn't think he was impulsive, but in the six months he had been with Qin Tian, the phrase he reminded himself most often was not to be impulsive.
"What's your purpose in recommending me? There are so many people in your department, why me?"
"You are the person who knows these cultural relics best, and... you have been waiting in China for half a year. I think you can go home once."
"Really?" His voice was calm but sarcastic. "Then how many days do you think this would normally take?"
A gust of wind blew, and she silently tightened her collar. His shadow and hers walked alternately, one in front and one behind.
"It's up to you. If there's a lot going on there, you can stay longer."
His shadow stopped. She looked down at their shadows, her own shadow growing longer and longer, just to be able to walk side by side with his.
"Am I forcing you?" His voice came from above her head. "If I am forcing you, tell me now."
"What are you talking about?" How could it be forced? If someone between them was forcing it, it was she who was forcing him. From the beginning to the end, it was she who was forcing it.
"You know what I'm talking about." He lifted her face, which should have been a loving gesture. "You asked me to give you time to think about the future, and this is your answer. Qin Tian, I don't want to beat around the bush with you anymore. Why? Why on earth..."
He tried to swallow any words that might make him regret it, but the intense feeling of grievance was breaking through his rationality. It was too much. Time and again, when she ignored him, when she misunderstood him, he kept asking himself what he had done wrong. He really didn't know. Or maybe liking her was wrong in itself.
"You know exactly why I stayed here! You know exactly why you shouldn't bring it up even if I wanted to go back. Who am I in your heart? Every time you hit me, I desperately find excuses. You didn't reply to my message one night, and I reflected on myself. I didn't have the qualifications. I shouldn't force you. I should give you space. You slapped me because I didn't communicate with you in time. I didn't behave well before, so you couldn't trust me. What about this time? Why this time? I can't even find an excuse. All I can think of is that you never liked me, you just didn't know how to refuse. Qin Tian, you can tell me, I'm not that despicable. Now you make me feel like I'm a shameless person, and all this is forced by me."
In the silent night, she remained silent for a long time.
She had only one reason. To get him back to England, back to where he belonged. Like waking up from a dream, the gods returned to their places. A natural forgetfulness, a peaceful breakup that needed no reason, was the best ending for this relationship.
"I've thought about it."
She thought that breaking up with Tong Zhongyuan wouldn't be difficult. With his high self-esteem, she didn't even need to give him a reason. Work was too busy, she didn't want to date him anymore, their personalities weren't compatible—any excuse would do. As perceptive as he was, he'd immediately grasp the underlying meaning and walk away without looking back. But she didn't want to use any of them. Between them, the only way she wanted to end things was to be abandoned by him. She was used to being rejected anyway. She didn't want him to have any regrets in his life. No matter how weak the reason, the person who was rejected would always have regrets. She wanted his life to be complete.
But, on such a cold night, he used the most intense words, "shameless." He left her with no way to escape.
"I've considered our future. It's precisely because of this that I think you should go back now. You said you'd close the studio, and you hoped I'd go to England for two years. I believe you weren't just saying this casually; it must be something you've carefully considered. I know how much sacrifice and concession you've made for this plan, and I've never doubted your sincerity. But have you ever asked me if I'm willing to make such a sacrifice?
I don't want to. I don't want you to make sacrifices. I'm afraid of ruining your bright future. I'm afraid you'll regret your choice one day.
Over the past few months, we've argued countless times. We share vastly different values. Our paths, originating from completely different trajectories, now head towards completely different goals. You and I both understand that this point in our lives is merely a brief intersection of fate. You have your dazzling starry sky, I have my own bumpy road.
Tong Zhongyuan, I can be just a scenery on your life path, but I cannot be a stumbling block on your life path. I cannot bear such a sin.
I hope you return to England. In a place without me, in a place you are familiar with, maybe you will know what kind of future you really want. "
So familiar, yet so strange. Her face, her hair, her voice. The wind blew from nowhere, bringing him a chill he had never felt before. She said so much, and every word made him doubt himself. His ridiculous persistence, his foolish efforts, had created a scene in her mouth and an unbearable sin. What had gone wrong? Where?
Even when he returned to his rental apartment and gazed at the small window that haunted him, he still hadn't found the answer. The soft glow of the moonlight enveloped the bedroom. A figure walked through the desert, arms folded, and he followed her step by step under the starry sky. He didn't understand her heart, but he did understand himself.
Those words, those words that provoked the fight, weren't meant to be an answer; he was simply waiting for her to retort. That insincere "You never liked me, you just don't know how to say no"—he was waiting for her to flatly deny it.
Her answer was, I don’t deserve it, I’m not worthy, I’m afraid.
In the calligraphy and painting department's office, the printer made a "click" sound and spit out a document.
Tang Zhixu took it, glanced at it, sighed, and stuffed it into the shredder. Showing Wang Qiqing's personal information to that person in the Shanghai Museum was a bit too arrogant.
He pulled out the USB drive and left a message for Tong Zhongyuan: "Come and get it."
Ten minutes later, Tong Zhongyuan arrived. Unlike usual, he looked listless and haggard. He stood silently before him, picked up the USB drive, mechanically said "thank you," opened the door, and walked out. The whole process took less than a minute.
Tong Zhongyuan left the Shanghai Museum and entered a cafe, where he inserted a USB drive into his computer. The drive was haphazardly organized, with a dozen or so files in the root directory. Clearly, the file he was looking for wasn't named "Wang Qiqing," and yet, without even asking, Tang Zhixu simply came out.
He opened the documents one by one. There were four papers and several more cataloged. He glanced at the papers. The same name appeared at the end of each one: Qin Tian. He thanked her for looking up the information, for finding the breakthrough, for exploring with him, and for her trust and support.
He released the mouse, unable to tear his eyes away from the name. He wasn't special. He'd known from the beginning that she wasn't special to him. The journeys that had thrilled him, the gentle caresses that had enchanted him, weren't unique. Before he came along, she and her best friend had already traveled to the ends of the earth, enduring countless hardships and dangers.
He closed the document, holding the coffee cup. His first cup of coffee in six months wasn't the rich aroma he remembered; it tasted sour and bitter. He clicked on the last document, "In-depth Analysis of the Northern Song Dynasty Cup of Wine." Wang Qiqing's name appeared on the screen, a page of cold text describing his life's journey. He glanced at the file name again. It was a brilliant choice: a cup of wine, releasing military power.
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