Empathize with him
Zuo Xiao looked at the man outside the door. His face was thinner than when he left, his eyes were bloodshot, and there was a light stubble around his mouth.
She frowned slightly: "Come in."
Zhuang Yu'an followed her in, took off his leather shoes, and stepped on the tiles in his black socks. The room was heated so well that even the soles of his feet felt warm.
"Sit wherever you like."
Zuo Xiao walked into the kitchen and soon returned with two glasses of water. Zhuang Yu'an sat upright at one end of the sofa, wearing a navy blue herringbone wool three-piece suit, a black coat, and a dark brown cashmere scarf draped over the armrests. He seemed to find the room too hot and had taken off his jacket.
Zuo Xiao put down the cup and sat down at the other end of the sofa.
"What do you want from me?"
Zhuang Yu'an was silent for a moment, then said, "I'm sorry, I missed the performance last night. I also missed the celebration party."
Zuo Xiao smiled perfunctorily: "No need to apologize, didn't you say hello in advance?" She paused and said, "Have a drink of water."
Zhuang Yu'an readily picked up the cup and took a big sip.
"Jinghao recorded a video and sent it to me, and I watched it," he said.
Zuo Xiao's heart instantly lifted. He picked up the cup, took a sip of water, and asked calmly, "How is it?"
"It's far below the standard of our usual rehearsals."
Zhuang Yu'an continued in her surprised gaze, "It seems you took it too seriously and were too nervous, so you didn't perform well. The others also made some mistakes to some extent."
Zuo Xiao was stunned for a moment, then laughed dryly, "You came here in the middle of the night just to say this?"
"No." Zhuang Yu'an said calmly, "Given your personality, you must be very concerned about the quality of this performance, and you might even deny yourself because of it. So -"
"You're too self-righteous." Zuo Xiao interrupted him rudely, "Do you think you know me well?"
Zhuang Yu'an met her angry gaze and said, "Yes."
Zuo Xiao was stunned, not understanding how he could so calmly walk into the muzzle of a gun. Was he deliberately trying to piss her off?
She turned away angrily, her lips tightened.
Zhuang Yu'an seemed oblivious and continued, "What I want to say is that the failure of the first performance is a good thing for you and the band."
Zuo Xiao sneered, not bothering to look at him. He bent his fingers, stared at his nails and said, "So, what do you think?"
The other party seemed unable to read the sarcasm in her tone and said calmly, "It's such a disastrous start, but it can't get any worse. From now on, every step we take will be uphill."
Zuo Xiao suspected he was joking and turned to ask, "Are you being clever?"
"No." Zhuang Yu'an's eyes were clear and calm. "For so many years, I have indeed come here with this idea in mind."
He lowered his head, staring at his clasped hands on his knees, and said, "I was born as a result of an unexpected pregnancy. My parents were completely unprepared and formed a family arranged by their families. Their marriage was unhappy and they quarreled endlessly, but they obeyed the elders' request and had a second child. Later, my mother suffered from severe depression during her pregnancy. Two days before Jinghao was born, she ran away from home with me, who was four years old. That night, she said it would be best if I died, that I should not have been born, and that her life would not have turned out like this without me... Later I found out that she had originally planned to kill me first, and then commit suicide with the other child in her belly, to put an end to it all."
As he spoke, Zuo Xiao felt the weight of the huge rock on her chest gradually getting heavier, making it difficult for her to breathe and unable to speak.
Zhuang Yu'an paused for a long time, then let out a long breath and said, "That was the worst day of my life. After that, no matter what setbacks and difficulties I encountered, I always believed that it couldn't be worse than that night. If I could survive such a terrible situation, what else can I not overcome?"
"Let's get back to the point." He turned and looked at her sincerely. "Although this analogy isn't quite right, I still want to say that the failure of your first performance might actually help you go further. With your personality and determination, after experiencing such a huge blow and self-doubt, if you're still determined to continue on the path of music, and if the band doesn't disband because of this, then it will be difficult for you to be defeated by setbacks in the future."
His subsequent words gradually faded in Zuo Xiao's ears, but the past anomalies of his that had been ignored gradually became clearer in her mind and connected into a thread.
No wonder……
No wonder he is so handsome but always silent and unassuming, like a piece of wood.
No wonder he is used to carrying and taking care of others, and is willing to do those boring and trivial things in the corner.
No wonder he is often too serious, takes jokes seriously, doesn't understand humor, and has an inappropriate dullness and clumsiness.
No wonder he always looks bitter and resentful. There are wrinkles between his eyebrows and at the corners of his mouth that don't belong to his age, and his eyes are much more mature than his actual age.
I see…I see…
Zuo Xiao felt a dull pain in her heart, as if she had been dragged to the edge of the abyss by this man. She felt sadness, self-blame, fear, and even a hint of resentment. She hated him for letting her know such a dark and heavy past, forcing her to stare into the abyss with him...
That was his abyss, she shouldn't have gotten close to it...
She covered her face helplessly, tears streaming down her face.
Suddenly, she remembered that Luffy had also confided his dark past to her. But at that time, she was an outsider, she was listening to other people's stories, comforting him and enlightening him out of sympathy.
But just now, when she stared into Zhuang Yu'an's abyss, she was completely swept away by a sea of emotions, suffering so much that she could barely breathe. She didn't want to comfort him or console him at all. She just wanted to scold him, hit him, and accuse him of causing her to collapse...
"Why do you say this..." she complained while crying, "There is no comparison at all... It's totally inappropriate for you to say this to me..." She covered her face tightly, and her shoulders trembled uncontrollably.
At this moment, Zhuang Yu'an was dumbfounded and looked at her in panic.
He expected that she would be saddened by his tragic experience, would sympathize with him, and even be aroused by her maternal instinct to protect him, thus adding some weight to this side of the scale.
Yes, he had done it on purpose. He had deliberately planned and used all means to reveal to her his deepest and darkest secret, a secret he had never shared with anyone else. After spending the entire night considering various strategies and possibilities, he had chosen the most despicable one.
He schemed against her and took advantage of her.
However, no matter how much he planned, he could not have expected that she would cry so hard because of this, and the sadness he brought her would be unbearable for her.
God, she was so pitiful, so innocent...and he was unforgivable.
"I'm sorry..." He choked and hugged her in his arms, "It's my fault, I shouldn't have said that... It's my fault..."
She let go and burst into tears, her tears soaking his shirt and seeping into his chest, staining it with sadness.
"I'm sorry..." He kept apologizing to her. His heart had broken into countless pieces, each one lamenting her innocence and accusing him of meanness and selfishness.
Gradually, Zuo Xiao became tired of crying and her tears dried up.
But she still buried her head in his chest and asked sullenly, "Does Jinghao know what you just said?"
"She doesn't know." Zhuang Yu'an said truthfully, "She only knows that our parents divorced and abandoned us."
"Well..." She sniffed, "Don't let her know."
Zhuang Yu'an felt heartbroken again and couldn't help but clasp his arms tightly, hugging the person in his arms even tighter.
However, the next second, her words made his pupils dilate.
"Why on earth did you tell me this?" There was a naive sharpness in her tone. "I think this level of privacy shouldn't be easily shared with others..."
Zhuang Yu'an was torn between his conscience and his desire to seek profit and avoid harm.
After a long time, he made the choice to be true to himself.
"I don't know..." he said, "Maybe I want you to understand me better and get closer to me instead of going to Luffy."
The person in his arms suddenly stopped breathing and was obviously stunned.
Because of his words, he and she seemed to have reached a critical crossroads. Zhuang Yu'an hesitated, but ultimately did not take another step forward. He was simply afraid that she would say something he didn't want to hear.
"You can interpret what I just said however you want." His voice was as soft as goose down. "No matter where you put me, what is our relationship, all the choices and interpretations are yours. I only ask to stay by your side and accompany you through moments like last night that may happen in the future. Apart from that, I don't ask for anything else... And if you choose to go to Luffy, I am very sure that he will not allow me to continue to exist by your side like this, nor will he allow Jinghao to exist by your side. So, I hope you will go to me, not him."
After saying this, Zhuang Yu'an felt relieved for a moment, and then the invisible big hands pressed down again - no matter how pretentious his words were, he still stood in the dock, waiting for her verdict.
After a long silence, Zuo Xiao said:
"I didn't mean to go up to him."
Zhuang Yu'an's heartstrings were shaken by this, and all kinds of feelings suddenly surged into his throat. He swallowed and said:
"That's good."
They embraced quietly. His breath gently ruffled the strands of hair on her head, while hers fell on the collar of his shirt. The morning light filtered through the window, and the long night was over.
Zuo Xiao heard a few distant barks of dogs and the hearty greeting of an old Beijinger: "Good morning!"
She suddenly felt a little confused: had she held him for too long? It was already dawn...
But his embrace was so comfortable, so warm, and exuded a reassuring atmosphere. She wanted to stay a little longer... Besides, she was really tired, so resting in his embrace wasn't too much, was it?
At this time, Zhuang Yu'an was heard saying: "Actually, I haven't finished what I just said. However, if you think I'm too long-winded, I won't say anything more."
Zuo Xiao chuckled in his arms: "Just say it. It must be very uncomfortable if you don't say what you have been holding back all night."
Zhuang Yu'an smiled and said, "No."
"Go ahead, I want to hear it."
"good."
Zhuang Yuan paused and said, "What I want to say is that when you immerse yourself in music, I can fully feel how happy you are. Your whole body feels free and relaxed... You enjoy this so much, so you've already gained something in the process of doing it. Of course, it's good to have results, but even if you don't get the desired results in the end, it doesn't seem that important. What do you think?"
Zuo Xiao chuckled again. "So you're trying to persuade me to be more relaxed and not pursue results? Tsk... As an entrepreneur about to go public, that doesn't seem very convincing."
Zhuang Yu'an also laughed: "Yes. It's strange. I can't be a Buddhist at all, but I hope you can be a little more Buddhist."
"I know you're worried I'll be devastated," Zuo Xiao said with a smile, "but I won't. I just had a brief breakdown, but I've recovered now."
Zhuang Yu'an raised his hand and rubbed the back of her head, saying sincerely, "You are really amazing."
The person in his arms stopped talking, and Zhuang Yu'an was speechless too, feeling her warmth and breath with all his heart. It wasn't until her breathing became even and deep that he realized she had fallen asleep in his arms.
My whole heart softened into a ball of mud.
He then thought, does this mean she's made a choice? Although she only said she didn't want to go to Luffy, and didn't say she wanted to go to him, she was willing to be held by him at this moment, relying on him wholeheartedly, and even sleeping soundly in his arms... Does this mean that she has made a choice with her actions?
I hope so... I hope so...
When Zuo Xiao woke up, it was already dawn.
She found herself lying on Zhuang Yu'an's chest. He was reclining on the sofa, his neck resting on a pillow, his arms around her waist, one leg resting on the floor. He was so tall that the sofa looked small, and she looked even smaller, curled up in his arms like a kitten.
Her face immediately turned red, and she carefully raised her head a little to confirm that his eyes were closed, his breathing was steady and even, and his chest was rising and falling regularly, obviously still asleep.
Thinking of him flying from south to north and waiting for her outside the house all night, she felt a warm feeling in her heart. But thinking of how he had brushed shoulders with death when he was so young, and how he was deeply hated and hated by his closest relatives, she felt heartbroken again... He was such a good person, and fate should have been kinder to him.
Although she wanted to sleep a little longer, it was obviously not a good idea to continue clinging to him. She reached out and gently grasped his wrist, trying to remove the hand from her waist without waking him up, so that she could get away without anyone noticing and pretend that this had never happened.
However, just as she took his hand away and was about to take the other one, he woke up.
"Good morning." Zhuang Yu'an said with a smile, his eyes half open.
Zuo Xiao was so frightened that he bent his body and almost bounced off him.
It was her extraordinary pride that made her stop the car in time. He was so calm and composed, if she didn't keep her composure, wouldn't she be at a disadvantage?
So she suppressed her frantic heartbeat, curled the corners of her mouth slightly, said "Good morning" lightly, and then slowly got off him.
He sat up straight, looked out the window and said, "It's so bright now."
Typical of making small talk.
"Yeah." Zuo Xiao didn't know what to say. Just as he was about to try to escape by peeing, he suddenly heard a knock on the door.
"Boom, boom... boom, boom, boom."
Both of them were stunned and looked towards the door.
After a moment, Zuo Xiao shuddered and opened his eyes wide in panic.
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