His love
In the underground garage, Zhuang Yu'an leaned against the car door, his head down, not knowing what he was thinking about.
Zuo Xiao walked over and was pulled into his arms when they were two steps apart.
She looked up, meeting a pair of eyes filled with mixed emotions. Touched by the worry and anxiety in them, she couldn't help but raise her hand and gently touch the bruise on his cheekbone.
"Does it hurt?"
"It doesn't hurt."
Zhuang Yu'an grabbed her hand, brought it to his lips, and kissed it. He accidentally saw the red mark on her neck, and his pupils suddenly trembled.
"I think he should have given up." Zuo Xiao said proactively.
"Really?" His dark eyes lit up, and then a hint of doubt appeared in them. "How did you do that?"
Zuo Xiao was silent for a moment, then said, "I proved to him that there was no trace of him in my heart anymore. As for how I did it, you don't need to know."
She stood on tiptoe and kissed his chin: "You just need to know that at this moment my heart can no longer hold any other man except you."
As soon as she finished speaking, he pressed her tightly into his arms. Her ear was pressed against his left chest, and she could hear his fierce and firm heartbeat, which kept on telling her of his passionate love.
After a long time, he said, "Let's go home."
Zuo Xiao was silent for a moment, then said, "Starting tomorrow, I want to move back home." He added, "Back to the house I rented."
"Why?" Zhuang Yu'an let go of his hand while speaking, trying to find the hidden answer in her eyes.
Zuo Xiao lowered her head, avoiding his gaze: "I originally moved to your house to avoid Luffy, but he won't force me to do so in the future."
Zhuang Yu'an raised his hand and pushed a strand of black hair behind her ear: "This is not the main reason, right?"
Zuo Xiao felt the warmth of the fingers resting on his ear and said, "I don't want to feel like we're exchanging feelings even though we're clearly in love... Can you understand?"
"I'm not sure if I understand it well enough..." Zhuang Yu'an stroked her cheek with his thumb. "Do you think living in my house and accepting my care is a kind of exchange?"
"Yes," she confessed, describing the feelings that had troubled her for days. "I feel like I'm trading my body and emotions for a better material life and a certain privilege of being exempt from the rules of the real world."
"Some kind of privilege exempt from the rules of the real world... I don't quite understand."
Zuo Xiao listed them one by one: "I don't need to worry about survival, I don't need to spend time and energy on food, clothing, housing and transportation, I don't need to do anything I don't want to do, and I don't need to return the same level of love and emotional value from you... Why should I? The real world doesn't work that way."
"I think I understand what you mean." Zhuang Yu'an took her hand and said, "Get in the car first. We'll go home and talk slowly, okay?"
Both of them were preoccupied with their own affairs and spoke in silence along the way.
After arriving home, Zuo Xiao applied medicine to his wound. Zhuang Yu'an made two cups of mulled wine and sat on the sofa with her.
In the huge living room, only the floor lamp next to the sofa was on. The warm yellow air was filled with the sweet aroma of red wine and orange, mixed with the scent of cinnamon and other spices. Just smelling it could make one feel relaxed.
Zhuang Yu'an watched her take a sip of the hot red wine and asked softly, "Is it delicious?"
She honestly said it tasted good, so he kissed the corner of her mouth and held her in his arms.
After a while, he asked, "Do you think Jinghao and I are exchanging things?"
The unexpected question left Zuo Xiao momentarily stunned. Zhuang Yu'an continued, "Between Jinghao and me, I'm the caregiver, and from the perspective of others, I generally feel like I've given more. So, Jinghao is also giving something in exchange for my protection and care, right?"
"It's different... She's your biological sister, there's no need to calculate it so clearly..."
"Then you are my beloved. You believe that two people related by blood don't need to be so calculating, but two people in love must clearly calculate what each person has given and whether it is an equal exchange. In other words, in your view, blood ties don't require calculations of pros and cons, but love does."
Zuo Xiao felt like she'd fallen into some kind of logical trap, but she couldn't quite figure it out. Frowning, she pondered for a long time before saying, "Perhaps most of the time, we don't need to calculate so clearly, because normally, both parties' contributions are generally balanced. However, if the contributions of two people are clearly unequal, with one person giving too much while the other receives far more than they deserve, then they'll naturally wonder: Why am I entitled to this? Shouldn't I give more in exchange?"
"So, what really bothers you is not whether there is an exchange or not, but that you feel you have received too much, right?"
"……right."
"Actually, we have the same problem." Zhuang Yu'an smiled bitterly. "These days, I often feel that I have received too much, so much so that I feel anxious... Why do I deserve your favor? Is it just because I am a little more patient than other men, and I can cook and take better care of you? But a nanny can do all these things, and even better than me."
He actually thought this way? Zuo Xiao was surprised.
Zhuang Yu'an kissed her between the eyebrows and continued, "In my heart, your love is more luxurious than anything else. You don't have to do anything, just being by my side is already a great happiness for me. If we must calculate the gains and losses between us, then I think that compared to what I have gained, what I have paid is simply not worth mentioning."
"How could that be..." Zuo Xiao retorted, "You've given your love, and your love is obviously deeper and stronger than mine... Even if the two cancel each other out... I'm living in your house again, enjoying your care that always puts me first. No matter how you look at it, I'm the one taking advantage. This makes me feel very pressured, you know? It's as if... as if my body has a price tag, and I'm using it to exchange for material things and privileges that don't belong to me..."
"No, no, love is never about giving," Zhuang Yu'an said. "You can say that taking care of you and cooking three meals a day for you is giving, but my love for you itself is not giving. By loving you, I enrich my life and the meaning of my existence. The more I love you, the more nourishment I get from this relationship. How can this be considered giving?"
Unable to restrain himself, he hugged her tightly and opened his heart. "In my opinion, having someone you love deeply, someone who makes you feel the meaning of existence, is an incomparable blessing and happiness. For the first 27 years of my life, the most fortunate thing was Jinghao's appearance in my life, which made me believe that my existence was purposeful and worthwhile... Meeting you is also a great blessing. Honestly, I used to think that love was dispensable, just a form of intimacy, completely replaceable by other forms. Until you came along, I realized how ignorant I was before, like someone who has never left the desert, thinking that the world is just like this. I even feel fear - if you hadn't appeared, would I have lived this life in a muddle, until I grew old and died, unaware that there is another way to live life, so brilliant and passionate, every minute and every second filled with a full sense of happiness, and full of anticipation for every day to come..."
Listening to his confession, Zuo Xiao suddenly understood what he meant that night when he said, "I love you more than I love myself."
At the time, she simply thought the man had drunk too much and had said some inappropriate, romantic words, which moved her but also caused her pressure. Humans are inherently selfish. How many people in the world can truly love others more than themselves? Even if they could, putting another person's needs and well-being above their own, allowing their emotions to be dictated and controlled by them—isn't that insane and terrifying? Not to mention the passive and dangerous situation he put himself in, why should the person he chose be burdened with such heavy emotions and the corresponding responsibilities and obligations?
But now she understood: Perhaps he didn't love himself at all. Someone who fully loved themselves didn't need to rely on connections with others to justify their existence. But Zhuang Yu'an was different. He was declared "unworthy" by the very people who gave him life, and from childhood he was neither accepted nor needed. Therefore, he accustomed himself to feeling needed and recognized through love and devotion to specific people, building his sense of self-worth on this foundation. In a sense, he lived dependently on others.
When she thought of this, she felt distressed and frowned, "What if one day I don't love you or want you anymore?"
At that moment, she felt Zhuang Yu'an visibly stiffen. She gritted her teeth and continued to chisel deeper into the rock face. "If you feel the meaning of your existence because of a specific person, then what will you do if that person leaves you?"
Zhuang Yu'an was silent for a while, then said, "Then I can still continue to love you, loving you silently where you can't see."
Zuo Xiao's eyes widened in shock at these words. Zhuang Yu'an continued, "So you don't have to worry that my love will become a rope that binds you. I said, you can do whatever you want between us. In my heart, you are the only love of this life. I will treat you with all my heart, but I will not force you to give me anything symmetrically. If my love makes you feel troubled or painful, you can refuse to accept it, you can stay away, and you don't have to bear any moral or emotional pressure. Because my love for you is nourishing myself, not giving, there are no additional conditions, and I don't need symmetrical returns."
Zuo Xiao was stunned, her heart pounding at the impact of his unconditional love. Her throat was blocked and she couldn't speak. Zhuang Yu'an began to kiss her face intermittently: "But I still can't help asking for it from you... If some of my actions make you feel uncomfortable, you can refuse..."
"If only there were a magic trick that could let you hear my heart..." He pressed her down and gently wiped the tears from her eyes. "I can't describe how much I love you. Language is too limited. The moment I say it, it's distorted and distorted..."
He lowered his head and replaced words with increasingly intense kisses and caresses.
The wind stopped and the rain stopped. Zuo Xiao curled up in his arms until his hot chest became warm again and the long-lasting hardness became soft.
"Don't move away, okay?" Zhuang Yu'an kissed her face and said in an almost pleading tone.
Zuo Xiao shook his head. "I admit that you have your logic, and it sounds self-consistent. But it can only be used to guide you, and I have my own criteria for judgment."
Zhuang Yu'an sighed softly and said, "Actually, I think the starting point of our discussion just now was wrong. To be more precise, the moment we started measuring what we gave and what we got, we were wrong. In fact, love is never an exchange and should not be measured from a commercial perspective. Two people in love are not bartering, but planting a garden together. You have fertilizer, I have water; you know how to judge the condition of the plants, and I can remove pests. We each contribute what we have and what we are good at, and together we grow a garden full of flowers and enjoy the fragrance and beauty..."
"You don't have to say anything more." Zuo Xiao interrupted him rudely and said in an unquestionable tone, "I'm moving out tomorrow."
Zhuang Yu'an was silent for a few breaths, then said, "Then let's go tonight. I'll take you there."
The dispute was thus settled. The atmosphere between the two of them was tense. Zuo Xiao stayed in his arms silently for a while before suddenly saying:
"Are you not good at that?"
She deliberately used her words to provoke him. When her passion was at its peak, she had offered herself to him and begged him to enter, but he had clearly endured it to the point of trembling but still refused to let her, which made her feel annoyed and confused. She had not bothered to blame him then, but now it was like settling the score.
Unexpectedly, the other party was not angry at all. Instead, he chuckled with pleasure and asked, "Baby, are you not satisfied?"
Zuo Xiao slapped his wanton, wandering hand away, stood up and made a move to leave, but he pushed her back into his arms.
He held her tightly with both hands and said seriously, "I do have some... resistance to premarital sex."
"Why? Do you have any special beliefs?"
"No." Zhuang Yuan paused, "I'm afraid of an unexpected pregnancy."
Zuo Xiao suddenly understood, feeling mixed emotions. He frowned and said, "It's not like we didn't take any safety measures."
"Even with all the safety precautions, there's still a chance of an unexpected pregnancy," Zhuang Yuan said calmly. "Although the probability is small, if it happens, it can be an unbearable burden for the newborn."
Zuo Xiao wanted to refute, but the words were on the tip of his tongue and he couldn't say them. In the end, he turned it into an unwilling provocation: "What if I don't agree?"
Zhuang Yu'an was silent for a moment, then said seriously, "I will work hard to delve into my technology and use the limited tools I have to give you double the happiness."
For a moment, Zuo Xiao couldn't tell whether he was making a serious promise or joking. He gritted his teeth and said, "Okay, you have guts." But what he was thinking in his heart was: I want to see how much you can endure!
Thus began a contest.
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