Chapter 23 23.or not to be
Haiyuan Hotel is an old restaurant in Pingnan. Pingnan people try to hold banquets here. Other restaurants are either not up to standard or lack the charm.
This was Zhuang Yongyuan's first time to eat here. When Zhuang Fu heard that he came to Haiyuan to attend a classmate's birthday party, he was amazed and drunkenly advised him to build good relationships with promising classmates.
Zhuang Yongyuan stopped at the hotel entrance, looked up at the golden revolving restaurant on the top floor in the cold wind, and was hesitating whether to go in when the doorman came over and politely asked him to move aside, as cars passed by frequently and it was not safe to stand there.
Zhuang Yongyuan straightened his clothes and stepped into the revolving door carefully. There were poster stands in every corner of the reception hall on the first floor, all of which were bright red. There were people coming and going for weddings, housewarmings, and eightieth birthdays.
Zhuang Yongyuan found Xie Kang. The poster next to Xie Kang was a studio photo of him wearing a suit, with his chin slightly raised and a haughty look in his eyes. The poster also had the words "Seventeenth Birthday Party of the Young Master of the Xie Family" printed on it.
He didn't go directly over, but instead observed Xie Kang from a distance for a moment. Xie Kang was an eye-catching figure, at ease among the stream of guests, yet he felt distant and unapproachable. Watching him this way, Zhuang Yongyuan found it hard to imagine that this man was now his friend.
Xie Kang finally saw Zhuang Yongyuan and waved to him. Zhuang Yongyuan walked over, handed him the paper bag, and said, "Happy birthday."
Xie Kang said "thank you" and placed the paper bag among the gifts on the table. Zhuang Yongyuan took a quick look and saw quite a few brand-name sneakers, pens, headphones, and other electronic products. Some of the items were packaged entirely in English, so Zhuang Yongyuan couldn't tell what they were.
Xie Kang's mother spoke up: "Xie Kang, is this your classmate? I've never seen him before."
"This is Zhuang Yongyuan, a good friend I just met during the summer vacation."
Zhuang Yongyuan then remembered to greet his elders. He raised his head and said nervously, "Hello, uncle and aunt."
"Hello." Xie Kang's mother said to him in a stern tone, "Really? How come we've known each other for so long and you haven't invited your friends over? Where does Xiaozhuang live? If it's nearby, come over often."
"My home is on Kaiping Street."
"Kaiping Street..." She frowned in thought, and Xie Kang reminded her, "It's on Ping'an Avenue, turn in opposite the Xiyang Bakery."
"Oh, Ping'an Avenue." Xie Kang's parents glanced at each other quickly. Xie Tao glanced at Zhuang Yongyuan out of the corner of his eye, and immediately went to shake hands with the new guest.
Xie Kang's mother then asked Zhuang Yongyuan, "Did you and Xie Kang meet through a competition?"
Zhuang Yongyuan shook his head: "No, we are from the same school."
"Is that so?" Xie Kang's mother smiled at him warmly again and said to Xie Kang, "Xie Kang, look, others don't have as good conditions as you, but they were able to get into No. 1 Middle School on their own. What about you? You've been a worry-free person since you were a child."
Zhuang Yongyuan subconsciously stared at the pile of gifts. Xie Kang seemed to notice his nervousness and said to his parents, "I'll take Zhuang Yongyuan upstairs first."
"Hurry up and come back soon. Uncle Wang and his family are about to arrive. I won't see what you want to ask about later."
Xie Kang agreed and led Zhuang Yongyuan to the elevator. He was wearing a suit and leather shoes today, and there was a faint fragrance about him, which was very different from usual, even like an adult.
Although Zhuang Yongyuan still attended Xie Kang's birthday party, the atmosphere between them had become quite awkward since their last encounter at Donghui. Xie Kang would still greet them warmly when they met at school, but Zhuang Yongyuan could sense a subtle difference.
As they walked from the lobby to the elevator, Xie Kang adjusted his tie and spoke first: "How did you get here? This place is quite far from your home."
"I came here on foot."
"Then I'll get you a taxi back later."
"No thanks." Zhuang Yongyuan quickly refused.
The elevator arrived with a ding. Zhuang Yongyuan asked him, "Which floor is it on? I can go up by myself."
"I'll take you upstairs." Xie Kang's tone was firm, and Zhuang Yongyuan no longer refused.
They entered the elevator one after the other. When Xie Kang pressed the floor button, Zhuang Yongyuan asked him again, "Will there be many people?"
Xie Kang smiled and said, "There's nothing I can do. I have too many relatives and friends."
"Has Li Xiuyu arrived?"
When Li Xiuyu was mentioned, Xie Kang's expression became strange. When the elevator door opened, he said, "He will be arriving later."
"Oh, if I had known, I would have come later too."
"It's okay. There are a lot of people from our school at your table. We'll get to know each other after a few conversations."
"Are they all your classmates?"
"Some of them are from junior high school. By the way, where did you go to junior high school?"
When mentioning junior high school, Zhuang Yongyuan's face changed, but Xie Kang was walking a little ahead of him and didn't see it.
"I went to No. 2 Middle School for junior high." He whispered.
Xie Kang asked curiously, "You went to No. 2 Middle School for junior high, so why did you come to No. 1 Middle School for high school?"
Pingnan No. 1 Middle School is of similar level to Pingnan No. 2 Middle School. The two schools are competitors and have a bad relationship. Few people would go to other schools to study.
"No. 1 Middle School is closer to my home." Zhuang Yongyuan explained reluctantly.
Xie Kang was even more puzzled and said, "No? I think No. 2 Middle School is closer."
Fortunately, after Xie Kang finished speaking, they walked into the banquet hall. Two-thirds of the seats were occupied, and there was a lot of noise, so they didn't continue chatting.
Xie Kang took Zhuang Yongyuan to the table with his peers and introduced him to the others: "Zhuang Yongyuan."
Zhuang Yongyuan looked around and saw a few familiar faces at the table whose names he couldn't remember. They should be alumni of No. 1 Middle School. Apart from them, all others were strangers.
Xie Kang had to go downstairs to welcome the guests, so he couldn't introduce everyone to Zhuang Yongyuan. He apologized to Zhuang Yongyuan and left in a hurry.
To Zhuang Yongyuan's left was a girl who nodded at him as a greeting and poured him a glass of coconut water. The seat to his right was empty, presumably reserved for Li Xiuyu.
Everyone at the table knew each other and they were chatting animatedly before Zhuang Yongyuan came. After Zhuang Yongyuan sat down, there was a moment of silence at the table, and then it became lively again after a while.
Zhuang Yongyuan had no part in the excitement; he had no idea who they were talking about or what they were talking about. He felt increasingly regretful, nervously pulling the napkin from the goblet and rubbing it in his hands.
The first time he saw Xie Kang, he felt that they were from different worlds. He had forgotten this a while ago, but now Xie Kang's friends and family have reminded him of it. Everyone here is respectful and polite, and no one would even give a second glance to an alley like Kaiping Street.
After a while, someone else came over to the table and sat down across from Zhuang Yongyuan. Zhuang Yongyuan looked up boredly, and a familiar feeling of nausea immediately came over him.
It was Yan Xu. Yan Xu also saw him and turned to say a few words to the people around him. They all seemed to be looking at Zhuang Yongyuan. Zhuang Yongyuan was sweating all over, felt like vomiting, and his head was buzzing. The people at the table and in the hall were all laughing, their laughter was sharp.
An inexplicable light flashed before his eyes. He thought for a moment and realized it came from Xie Kang's leather shoes, his mother's gold necklace and jade bracelet, and his father's watch and belt buckle. He looked down and saw a pair of Nike sneakers next to his new fifty-yuan rubber sneakers.
Yan Xu was still looking at him, and he vaguely heard some words: homosexual, pervert, and effeminate.
Xie Kang hadn't known when he'd stepped onto the stage. On the screen were photos of him growing up, showing his extensive travels. In each photo, Xie Kang's parents always stood smiling behind him, forming a perfect family portrait.
Xie Kang was holding the microphone and speaking. Zhuang Yongyuan heard him talking too, telling everyone in the banquet hall, "I want to thank my parents. Thank you for giving me life... Gratitude... Return... Homosexuality, perversion..."
He said: "Zhuang Yongyuan is not gay."
Zhuang Yongyuan struggled to breathe. The clanging of cutlery in the hall pierced his eardrums. Before him sat a plate of steamed tiger grouper, its stench overwhelming. He watched helplessly as pairs of chopsticks reached for the fish, devouring half the fish, leaving the bones clinging to the white scraps of meat. It was winter, yet the heat was stifling.
Xie Kang was holding a wine glass and toasting with someone, looking like a complete stranger.
He couldn't wait for Li Xiuyu to come over, so he got up and ran to the corridor outside, squatted on the ground and gasped for breath. It took him a long time to recover.
A shadow covered him, and Zhuang Yongyuan looked up and saw that it was Yan Xu.
Li Xiuyu had taught him many times that if he saw Yan Xu again, he could scold him or beat him up. Compared to what he had done to him, nothing he could do would be excessive. Zhuang Yongyuan had also imagined how he would scold Yan Xu.
But when Yan Xu really appeared in front of him, he couldn't move at all, his mind was blank, and he felt really useless.
Yan Xu spoke up: "Zhuang Yongyuan, are you avoiding me?"
Zhuang Yongyuan lowered his head and said nothing.
Yan Xu said impatiently, "Can you please stand up first? It's like I'm bullying you."
Zhuang Yongyuan leaned his back against the wall and slowly stood up, still staring at the tip of his shoes without saying a word.
"You made a mistake back then and confessed to me. I never said I was gay."
Zhuang Yongyuan forced himself to question Yan Xu: "This is a matter between the two of us, why did you tell others that I am..."
Zhuang Yongyuan couldn't continue with the rest of the sentence. His face was flushed and he was back in the third year of junior high school. When he passed through the corridor, several pairs of teasing eyes were glued to him, and there were whispers and malicious laughter.
"He's peeking at you. He likes you."
"Is his private part too small to like girls?"
In a public restroom, someone passed by him from behind, bumped into him, and said, "Did you go to the wrong restroom? Don't you pee while squatting?"
Zhuang Yongyuan missed his wardrobe so much. He wanted to go home. It didn't matter if Zhuang Fu was at home. He just wanted to lock himself in the closet. In that small world, there was no Yan Xu, no Xie Kang, and no homosexuals.
Yan Xu tutted and said, "I didn't mean to do that. I only told Ajie and the others. How could I know they would tell anyone?"
Zhuang Yongyuan's expression made Yan Xu uncomfortable, as if he had done something awful to him. But no matter what he said to Zhuang Yongyuan, he would just purse his lips, remain silent, and try not to cry.
He said irritably, "If you were a woman, none of this would happen."
"Can you say something? If you think I did something wrong, I apologize to you. I'm sorry, but don't be like this every time you see me. Damn, last time Xie Kang came to ask me if I knew you."
"I don't want anyone to know that a guy confessed his love to me. It's so disgusting."
"I was pretty nice to you before. If you weren't gay, we could still be friends."
"Let's make it clear today. Let's pretend that what happened before never happened. No one of us knows each other, okay?"
Yan Xu became so excited that he couldn't help but push Zhuang Yongyuan.
"Yan Xu? Zhuang Yongyuan? What are you doing?"
When they heard this, they turned around at the same time and saw Xie Kang standing in the corridor, frowning and looking at the two of them.
Xie Kang stepped aside to let a row of waiters carrying blanched nine-segment shrimp pass by first, and then headed towards Yan Xu and Zhuang Yongyuan.
Yan Xu took two steps back, putting some distance between himself and Zhuang Yongyuan.
Xie Kang's suspicions grew stronger and stronger. The atmosphere between the two people in front of him was obviously very strange. Previously at McDonald's, Zhuang Yongyuan also felt uncomfortable after meeting Yan Xu.
Just now, he was on the stage and saw Zhuang Yongyuan and Yan Xu go out one after another and not come back for a long time, so he came out specifically to look for Zhuang Yongyuan.
He pressed, "Do you two know each other?"
Yan Xu quickly waved his hands and said, "I don't know him. I just ran into him when I came out to the bathroom."
Xie Kang looked at Yan Xu suspiciously. Yan Xu said nothing, shrugged innocently, and said, "Then I'll go in first."
Zhuang Yongyuan, who had been silent the entire time, finally spoke. He looked Xie Kang in the eye and said, "Yan Xu and I were classmates in junior high school."
He took a deep breath and continued, "I liked him and couldn't help but confess my feelings to him. He was disgusted and told everyone about it. Didn't you ask me why I came to No. 1 Middle School from No. 2 Middle School? Because everyone at No. 2 Middle School knew I was gay and a pervert, and I couldn't stay there anymore."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Yan Xu's face darkened, and he subconsciously reached out to cover Zhuang Yongyuan's mouth. Zhuang Yongyuan shook his hand away, looked straight at Xie Kang, and said, "Yan Xu and I were very close in junior high school. He often asked me out on weekends, so I misunderstood."
Xie Kang stood there in a daze, his mind a mess, like an overloaded computer. He didn't know what to say or do. He had been at such a loss many times since he met Zhuang Yongyuan, and this was the worst.
Zhuang Yongyuan began to tremble. He asked Xie Kang, who remained motionless, "Am I disgusting to you too?"
Xie Kang couldn't hear what Zhuang Yongyuan was saying at all. His mind was no longer so confused. All he could think of was Zhuang Yongyuan playing the piano in the music store.
It was always afternoon, either the sun was shining brightly or it was raining heavily. His fingertips were hooking the guitar strings one by one, and he was singing "Too Smart" in his bright voice.
The next second, Zhuang Yongyuan disappeared at the end of the corridor, leaving Xie Kang and Yan Xu looking at each other in bewilderment.
Yan Xu sighed and said to Xie Kang, "I will pretend I don't know what happened just now. Please also pretend you don't know that Zhuang Yongyuan and I know each other."
Xie Kang's voice trembled: "What Zhuang Yongyuan said about your junior high school, is it all true?"
"Why are you asking so many questions? Fuck, stop disgusting me."
As soon as Yan Xu finished speaking, he was punched hard in the face. He covered his face, looked at Xie Kang in disbelief, and said, "What are you angry about? Are you sick?"
As he was speaking, Xie Kang punched him again. He became angry and wanted to hit Xie Kang back. As soon as he raised his hand, he was grabbed by another person behind him. He struggled for a few times but couldn't get free. He turned around and saw that it was an acquaintance, Li Xiuyu.
Li Xiuyu was half a head taller than Yan Xu and had been learning Taekwondo since elementary school. Yan Xu didn't want to provoke him and felt that he had been defeated. He glared at him, covered his face, and walked towards the bathroom angrily.
After Yan Xu left, Li Xiuyu asked Xie Kang, "Where is Zhuang Yongyuan?"
Xie Kang shook his head in a daze. After Li Xiuyu repeatedly questioned him, he finally said, "Zhuang Yongyuan went down the stairs."
Li Xiuyu said irritably: "Damn, I thought you didn't play with Yan Xu anymore. If I had known earlier, I would have..."
Xie Kang interrupted him and asked, "Have you always known about Yan Xu and Zhuang Yongyuan's affair?"
"He was acting very strange for a while in junior high school. Xu Zhen asked me to ask him, and he only told me after I asked him several times." Li Xiuyu sighed in annoyance and was about to go to the stairwell to find Zhuang Yongyuan, but was stopped by Xie Kang again.
He had never seen Xie Kang so distraught. Xie Kang asked Li Xiuyu, "So you've always known that Zhuang Yongyuan is..."
He was stuck. Li Xiuyu sneered and asked him, "Is it so hard to say the word 'homosexual'?"
Xie Kang remained silent, so Li Xiuyu asked him, "Will you come with me to find Zhuang Yongyuan?"
Xie Kang stared blankly at the direction where Zhuang Yongyuan left, shook his head slowly, took a few steps back, turned around and ran back to the banquet hall.
Through a layer of glass, Zhuang Yongyuan watched the fish swimming in the seafood tank—the intricately patterned, ugly groupers. He got so close, his face practically pressed against the glass.
A fish was pulled out, and Zhuang Yongyuan heard people behind him discussing whether to steam it or stew it in soup. Bubbles gurgled out of the oxygenator pipes, then burst immediately. The ground was slippery and filled with a salty smell.
He didn't know how he'd managed to get to the hotel's seafood pool. Boston lobsters, abalone, razor clams, crabs... all from the seas, gathered here, waiting to be cooked at high temperatures and devoured.
Zhuang Yongyuan felt like he'd never want to eat seafood again. They were so pitiful. Thinking about how they were going to be slaughtered tonight made him want to vomit.
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